The last week has been the hardest since the surgery. I was beyond irritable, snapping at everything, and the anger was just building up. I knew something wasn’t right. I made the decision to take myself off of my pain meds. It was necessary. As soon as I was able to be more clear headed, I was hit with waves of grief. I spent two days in bed, trying to feel my feelings. There were lots of tears, and honestly, I’m still working through it all. It always amazes me how grief likes to sneak up when we are at our most vulnerable. Grief is something that I have come to embrace and process in healthy ways. It looks much different now in my life than it did for all the years before my recovery. It was so uncomfortable at first, I wanted nothing to do with it. It was scary, stressful, painful, sad. All things I didn’t want to feel. Nor did I have the tools or support to grieve in any healthy way. After knowing how to shove it down for so many years, being healthy about it was not something I knew anything about. I sure came to learn though how not grieving showed up in my life… through anger, irritability, depression, fear, overthinking, obsession, poor coping. I could go on. What matters now is that I have all the tools and support to help me identify when I’m not doing well and how to move through grief in ways that don’t affect my life in negative ways any longer. Learning about the different stages of grief was a big part of the process of learning to cope in a positive manner. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. And each of those stages has unique ways of working through them. Even after all these years, I still move through the stages of grief of things I thought I’d accepted, and I have to work through the process all over again. You see, grief is overwhelming sadness and a series of goodbyes. It comes in waves. Just when you think that you moved through something, there is a chance of being re-triggered and having to start the process all over again. As long as you are aware enough to come out of denial, you will be able to move through the next stages that much easier. And it truly does get easier each time. The recent days I was feeling irritable, I knew that I was feeling something that I wasn’t processing properly. Every little thing was making me angry and sensitive. By taking myself off of my pain meds, I gave myself the headspace to truly see what was going on. Grief. Grieving something I’ve worked on grieving for many years, and somehow every time I am vulnerable, it comes up again and I’m working through it all over again. Something will pop up and it’s back to step one… back to basics. That’s okay. I sure am grateful that I have the ability to pick myself up when I am back there again, because I’ve come to learn that it’s a normal part of the process of working through our emotions in healthy ways. And you know what? It’s okay to not be okay. As long as we don’t stay there. Grief is meant to visit. It’s what helps us grow. I for one, wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for the grief that I’ve experienced. Grief is proof that love existed and the loss of whatever it is, was painful because that love was there. By denying grief and not working through it properly, we deny love. We deny honoring what the love gave us. Why would we do that? It might be uncomfortable to truly feel grief, I get it. But by denying it, we are denying our true, raw, authentic feelings. So… for the next few days, I plan to take extra care of myself and really feel my feelings. Work through the grief. And honor what it is giving to me. I know it will fade again, as it always does. I also know that the grief will be back again, as it always is. And that’s okay. Because honoring grief, and truly letting it show up in my life, is proof that love existed. That’s something I need because there are more days that I have forgotten that, than there are days I remember it. Just for today, I will go back to basics, taking things one day at a time, accepting I am powerless, and using the tools I have been so blessed to receive.
God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can. And wisdom to know the difference.
– Serenity Prayer
Though grief may not seem like it should be a part of my physical recovery, it plays a much bigger role than you’d think. For me to be intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually healthy, I have to work through it so that I can be strong enough to push through my physical healing. These are important parts of ourselves that need the most tender love and care. Otherwise, I know I risk remaining irritable, angry, and depressed, causing more harm to myself and others around me. If you are struggling with grief, reach out for help. Admit to yourself and someone else that you are struggling. We are not meant to go through grief on our own. Rely on your community, on your family and friends. Let them show up for you. And pray. The grief is worth honoring, no matter what stage or how long ago the loss happened. Grief knows no time limit. If you can practice the things I mentioned above, you will grow, heal, and find gratitude, and that’s a beautiful gift worth working toward.
Through my grief, I have found ways to express myself, self care, and to give back, to ensure I’m honoring everything I’ve received through the healing process and what I’ve learned along the way. I feel called to a higher purpose of sharing my experience, strength, and hope, to help others in their own journey of recovery. And in order for me to be successful in this, I must practice self care every day. An act many of us could do better in. To grieve and grow in healthy ways, we must learn and practice the art of self care. Because self care is the best care we can give ourselves, to help us be successful through the challenging process known as recovery.
The last week has been good. I’ve been able to find some balance in some areas of my life. My main focuses are my physical self, intellectual self, emotional self, and spiritual self. When I have each of those areas balanced, I operate at my best. Since my physical recovery is in progress, that is just something that I have to take my time on and follow all of the recommendations I’ve been given, and then I have to work extra hard in the other three parts of myself. Intellectually I have been doing really well. I’ve been reading some great books, that are challenging me in my healing, goals I have, teaching me more about things I’m passionate about, and keeping me stimulated. Reading has been a positive way for me to not go down any rabbit holes of excessive social media scrolling, overthinking, or distracting myself from reality. It’s been an overall good experience. I’ve also maintained positive interactions with people… with my supports. This keeps me growing and healthy. It also helps me find balance emotionally. Maintaining my community rather than isolating or pushing away, has allowed me to grow my relationships further and truly expose myself to others. I’ve been able to ask for help, be vulnerable, express gratitude, and really open myself up to the love everyone is offering. That has not only been overwhelming, but also so good for my growth. As for balancing my spiritual well-being, I continue to maintain my relationships with those who are on a similar journey as me in faith, I have taken time to study more faith-based teachings, I am in constant contact with my Higher Power, and I have carved out time and space to be still. Practicing these things keeps me spiritually healthy. In all of these areas, I know that there is room for improvement, so I continue to put in the work each day… with intention. Since my most challenging focus area is my physical health, I make it a point to give myself extra time in all of the other areas, so that they can carry me through as my physical health recovers.
“The process of healing does not end when the wounds are no longer visible. It ends when the wounds no longer ache.”
– Muskan Sharma
To give an update about my physical health, I’m riding my bike twice a day as I was instructed to. I’m up to six minutes each ride! I’m supposed to increase my time by one minute every other day. I started physical therapy today, and though I started with what might appear as the lowest of low exercises, they are challenging for me. Even just completing my first set this evening, I am already a little sore and I know it will take a few days of persistence and repetition, for me to do them with ease. I could focus on the fact that these are literal baby step exercises, and I “should” be able to do them, or how ridiculous it seems that they are “challenging”, or I could lie and tell myself that they will make no difference, but none of those would be conducive to my mental health or my physical recovery. Instead, I will celebrate the fact that I am motivated and putting in the work! It takes great patience, resilience and perseverance to get through a journey like this. And I am beyond hopeful that every single moment of hard work in this journey will be worth it, down to the smallest of details. My mindset is an important part of my success in this. I choose to be positive and if there is anything that starts to get too heavy or feel negative, I hand it over. I call someone and reason things out. I find ways to be still, and to work it out with my Higher Power and my community. I meditate and pray. I slow down and refocus. I’ll be honest, a few days ago when my pain levels went up, I was frustrated and angry for longer than I liked. I had to work extra hard to work through that in a healthy way, so as not to stay there. Coming out of it really didn’t take as much as I expected it to, because of how much practice I have had over the years. My fear no longer took over like it could have in the past. Instead, I was met with so much grace, understanding, patience, encouragement, love and support, that I naturally started to feel the same way. Having a supportive community such as mine can really make all the difference, especially in journeys such as these. Moving into this next phase of my recovery, I know that I will have hard days. Physical therapy is my least favorite thing… ever. To add that on top of everything else, I had to prepare myself mentally for this. And then if anything happens that increases my pain, it can really throw things off. Just this evening after riding the bike and accidentally stepping off with too much weight on my leg, my pain levels went up and I instantly was getting irritated and feeling a bit miserable. After recognizing my mood, I immediately sent a message to a friend, sharing about my pain. They didn’t try to fix it. They didn’t tell me I shouldn’t feel that way. They heard me. They supported me. Within minutes I felt better. Not because my pain went away, but because I knew I wasn’t alone. There are other moments when I ugly cry because someone supports me in ways, I didn’t even know I needed. All because I am seen, and they honor my journey for what it is. That makes all the difference for me. If you as reader take anything from this share, I hope you recognize just how powerful investing in your own healing can be for your past, present and future self. If it wasn’t for the many years of investment that I put into healing in all the areas of my life (physically, intellectually, emotionally & spiritually), this journey would look much different. So, take the leap. Put in the effort. Truly discover yourself and learn to meet your own needs. Get in touch with your Higher Power. Build your community. Find out what drives your behaviors and work on healing with intention. Discover what you like and don’t like about yourself. Learn to trust and truly love yourself. In the end, you will give yourself an amazing gift, that will keep on giving to you and everyone whose life you touch.
With everything going on, I figured giving an update on my medical stuff would help me feel better and give others perspective about what’s going on in my life. This has been many months in the making and it’s been over a year since the car accident. As of this last week, I am officially scheduled to have surgery on my hip in just two short weeks. My Orthopedic Surgeon will be performing Hip Arthroscopy surgery, while also repairing my labral tear. Basically, she is reshaping the femoral head by shaving it down to remove bone that is causing an impingement, and will also be repairing the labrum, so that my joint will sit in the socket properly. Depending on how the surgery goes and what it looks like, there is a chance that they will need to perform micro-drilling as well (where they create little mini fractures to help increase blood flow to stimulate cartilage growth if needed), but I just won’t know until I come out of surgery if it was performed or not. That will depend on the condition of my joint when they get in there; as of now, I do have fluid buildup in my bone marrow, indicating my bone is not getting enough blood flow, which has caused further damage. It definitely hasn’t helped my ability to heal. My recovery is expected to look like 6-8 weeks on crutches. The micro-drilling happening or not will determine if it’ll be 2 or 8 weeks non-weightbearing. Directly after the surgery, they will perform Radiation Therapy on my hip (don’t worry, I won’t feel a thing, it’s low-risk & very effective) to help prevent excessive bone growth and over healing, then I will go home that night. By the time I get home that night, I will get on a spin cycle… twice a day for the duration of my recovery (the goal is to keep it up permanently), gradually increasing my time on the bike. I will also engage in a very strict 18-page Physical Therapy regimen over that timeframe. It’s intensive. It’ll help get me where I need to be though, to hopefully walk unassisted again. That is the hope. There is also a 50% chance that we will need to do the same thing on the other side, but we won’t know until after the full recovery time has passed for this initial surgery. I’ve also been continuously warned that there is damage to my nerves coming out of the base of my spinal cord, however I am already seeing improvement through my meditation and lifestyle changes, which is super positive. I am hopeful that will continue to improve as I grow in my practices and as I heal physically. Oh, how I look forward to doing yoga again! Every part of me needs yoga. I also plan to continue to maintain good self-care and include things like massage, acupuncture, float tanks and other practices, that require being present and mindful. This journey will be far from easy, but I am glad to share that I have been eating a healthy (and delicious) diet, specifically designed to help keep inflammation down, that should be maintainable through this process. I have support to call or video chat with. I have support that will come over. I have support that is willing to help pick up groceries, meal prep with me, pick me up and take me to go bake cookies, people to pray with, support groups I can attend virtually, support that will be there for me in many ways, so that I can be successful. I am also blessed to be able to take the time off work, so that I can focus only on my physical recovery and maintaining good mental health. Though this may be a challenging journey, the view that comes after should be pretty amazing.
There are lots of things that I plan to focus on to help create distance from all the hard work I will be putting in. Things like forgiveness, humility, grace, trust, patience, understanding, and all of those wonderful things that continue to grow in my life. I plan to embrace those things by journaling, puzzling, coloring, crocheting, reading, listening to podcasts, and truly taking care of myself. I plan to be present in my recovery and in this journey. I plan to soak up everything that it offers me, so that I can maximize my growth and healing. There is always much more that happens behind the scenes than people see. My hope is to share my recovery in some way, whether it be through writing or something else. I’m hoping I will be in a good place to share. I do also know the reality is that there will be some haaaaaard moments/days through this that I may not want to share about or be in a place to. Those moments will be best left for my support people who are prepared to lift me up with faith, hope and trust, because that is what I will need. As of now, I am as prepared as I can be. I’ve asked for help where I need it and I have safety set up with my supports. I am really looking forward to how this experience helps grow my relationships and my faith. There are some things I have fear around, however I just keep handing those things over and using my tools to get through. Fear has a funny way of getting us off course, so I just acknowledge the fear and am open with my Higher Power about how I’m feeling. That really helps. I always feel tons lighter when I am open about my fear. Even when it seems ridiculous. Part of the journey of fear is trust. That can be challenging to navigate for someone like me with trust issues. Sure makes me grateful for my program, my community and the foundation I have built. Makes growing through things much less challenging. Being able to reason things out with another person and put fear in words without judgement, shame or someone trying to fix it, makes a big difference in feeling good about being open and honest about fears, that’s for sure. I recognize not everyone is as fortunate as I am. It takes really building those relationships through boundaries, trust, understanding, patience, vulnerability and intention. If it wasn’t for having some solid relationships in my life, this surgery wouldn’t even be possible. This next step in my healing wouldn’t be possible. And I’m sure that there are many folks out there who do not get the same chance I do. I am truly blessed to have this opportunity to grow and heal, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, so I must honor this amazing gift by jumping in with both feet and no fear. And just maybe, my journey might help someone in their journey. The best has yet to come.
I’ve probably started and erased this blog post more than 30 times in the last few weeks. It’s been hard finding the space to really be vulnerable and share anything of value. I’ve had to get real with myself. It hasn’t been easy. These last few weeks I continue to block myself from pushing forward in my writing because I get too overwhelmed with emotion, and I just don’t have the mental capacity to add anything to what I’m already going through. My eye is literally twitching uncontrollably because I am giving more than I have to offer as it is. My life is already at the bare, bare minimum of what I can carry right now. So, I’ve been working hard to hand things over. I’ve had lots of opportunities to practice, which I am grateful for. The thing is, it’s getting harder and harder to be honest about how I’m feeling without crying… I know it will make people even more uncomfortable than they already are around me. And I’ve been so worried about how I’m going to make other people feel, when this isn’t even about them, it’s about me. It’s about what I’m going through and using my tools to heal through things in positive ways. Writing is a tool I use to express myself. It just is requiring much self-care ahead of time, to truly find the courage to write publicly right now. I’ve been prepping for a couple days now to write this post. And I’ll tell ya, I worked hard at taking care of myself, being vulnerable with people about what I’m going through, and having lots of conversations with my Higher Power. Funny too because if I’m not specific about my needs, my Higher Power has a really great sense of humor, and he will absolutely get my attention. Which he has… often. Now here I am, because my Higher Power told me this is exactly what I should be doing in this moment to take care of myself, and it’s the thing that my heart is drawing me to. I know that has a lot to do with how much lighter I will feel when I finally let things out, and it’s an easier platform to be open about what I’m going through, without worry of shame or judgment. Now, where to begin…
Let me just start with the one thing that I am struggling with the most… my physical health. It’s a couple of things really. One, being in pain all day every day, is hard. Two, recently my doctor told me that the odds of success if they operate on my hip, is less than half. I think she was being generous with her words. She told me that she wants me to prepare for this being a permanent disability. That’s a lot to take in. For the last few months, I’ve been working hard on forgiveness towards my medical care team, and I’ve finally been heard by my primary after all this time. The quality of care that I received at my last visit, really made a difference in how I received that information. It was the first time I had seen my doctor have compassion. We are now working on trying to figure out how to find balance, without the use of narcotics. I do have a consult with an Orthopedic Surgeon on Halloween to have more scans done and go over any options I might have. The thing is, that any surgery to repair my hip won’t help a spinal cord injury, which they continue to suspect. And I do too. Hopefully I’ll have an update to share after the consult. It’s hard not to carry resentment about the fact that they likely neglected to diagnose me correctly, which caused permanent damage, making it nearly impossible for me to walk unassisted without lots of pain, if at all. I miss walking. I miss activities. I miss candle making. I miss feeling functional. I miss so many things. I know that I will get some of these things back. It will just take time and continuing to find balance. This whole process has been a grieving process. Every day, I grieve. And since I’ve learned to honor grief and truly embrace what it has to offer, I honor each opportunity. That’s how I know I will get the most out of the experience. There is an art to grieving, and it’s a journey to figure out how to navigate it. What I do know, is that gratitude is an important part of grief. There was this grief opportunity I was presented with, and I ended up with so much forgiveness and gratitude in the end, it’s hard to believe that it was even grief. Hard to believe, isn’t it? It’s totally true though. I worked on forgiveness and gratitude every single day, and that’s what I got. I needed that lesson. Since grief is a journey, it continuously comes up for me, and every time, I am filled with forgiveness and gratitude, because that is what I seek. I welcome the feelings in, embrace them, then let them leave. I don’t live in them, not anymore. I honor them and politely ask them to go. You see, grief, has a way of making itself at home in us. That’s when the most damage is done, without us even knowing it. By honoring the feelings and letting them go, we are creating a safe space to process grief and practicing tools that help us heal and grow. And the good thing is, that no one is ever in it alone. There is a world of people out there waiting to help someone in their journey… grief included. I am blessed to be surrounded by a very supportive community who uplifts me and keeps me growing in positive ways. Everyone is deserving of that.
Another thing that has been hard, is raising a teenager with mental health challenges. I feel so helpless these last few weeks… months… year really. All I can do, is to continue to show up for him. Continue to work hard at being my healthiest self, so that I can help him navigate what he is going through. I can only imagine how hard all of this has been for him. Our worlds got turned around and we have been pushed to limits, we didn’t even know we had. That kid carries way more than he should. And he isn’t willing to lighten the load knowing I am physically hurting. So, I just do anything and everything I can, to help him through this and make sure that he is doing stuff for himself, keeping himself healthy. We continue to work to find balance every day. This requires that I remain a present parent. And there are just some days, that I am barely capable of doing that… so it takes all I have, and everything else gets put on hold. Balance is a difficult thing to find in chaos. And let me tell you, the more you put on hold, the more there is to pick up when the time comes. I just have to offer myself lots of grace and trust that by taking things One Step At A Time, I’m doing the right thing for me to get through this. Sometimes that’s not an easy thing to trust… because on the outside I am holding back tears, and on the inside, I am screaming and pleading “how am I going to get through this?!”. Other times the tears come uncontrollably with no way to organize my thoughts. Then there are days like now, where I’ve had to let go of so much, my eye is literally twitching, for weeks now. No amount of self-care is helping with everything going on. I know I am on the verge of a transformation; I can feel it. There was even a dragonfly in front of me while I drove down the driveway recently. He just hovered there, and the word transformation came to mind. It would make sense. It feels like a lot of work though. I don’t know how I would be able to handle a transformation, while also balancing physical health, parenting, work, and all the things, but I guess bring it on since my Higher Power seems to believe I can handle it. That’s so much stuff, in this moment, I just don’t think I have it in me. As it is already, anything that feels like too much, just makes me sleep. I get exhausted from any amount of added stress, then I just don’t function well. I will literally just fall asleep. And truth be told, I am no longer capable of what I once was. It seems like every time I get something figured out, another thing comes. It’s been a revolving door of stuff to carry. When things get too heavy, in comes grief again. Oh, and did I mention that grief doesn’t always mean that someone died… grief can be very complex. It can be relationships, trauma, the loss of support. Grief is an overwhelming sadness and a series of goodbyes. That’s why it’s not healthy to let grief be at home with us. Being exposed to chronic grief, will affect who you are as a person, and not in a positive way. It’s so important for us to take care of ourselves, and truly understand what emotion is driving our behaviors. Welcoming grief to visit, can be a good way to get perspective… just don’t let it live there. Instead, try to practice finding gratitude in the grief when the visit is over. Gratitude really is a key. Prayer helps too.
“Gratitude is the gift of sight in the darkest times.”
– Unknown
I feel slightly better now that I’ve been able to share some. I’m a little nervous about hitting the publish button though. This is just such a small snippet of what I am going through. I feel like I haven’t even touched the surface. If I shared everything, you would wonder how it is that I have any serenity in my life. Serenity is not something that is easy to find and maintain… it’s taken years of being in active recovery, with intention, for me to have tools and support that help carry me through the hardships. And right now, these are some big hardships. Don’t mistake my hardships for misery though. The number of positive things that happen in my life is overwhelming to even put in words. Most of the time I just cry from gratitude. I have so much gratitude for everything, even in the grief, I find ways to heal through and gain tools to help me in future endeavors. The thing is, we are so often consumed by the grief we carry with us, that people are so disconnected. Connection is what we need. Connection is what helps people get better. Get uncomfortable. Be vulnerable. Build relationships. Get to know who you are at your core. Ask for help. Slow down and really take your time doing anything at all (that’s a great way to practice). Think about your choices. These are all actionable steps we can take, that will help us make connections, heal, and grow. Not overnight, so patience and grace are equally important components that have to make regular appearances into our lives. Honestly, it’s all a lot of hard work, and I’m not going to sugar coat it for you, you will want to give up often. You will fight with yourself all the time, wondering if it’s really worth the effort. And then one day, you just hit a point where you couldn’t imagine life any other way. You look around you and are surrounded by love and understanding. More of those things that we are all deserving of.
On a final note, I am happy to report that as of today secure housing has been found for my family. In just two short weeks, we will be moving into our new temporary home. A step in the right direction. We will be safe, in actual beds in bedrooms with doors. We will be able to rest and stabilize for our next part of this journey. I will be able to recover physically, no matter what that looks like. I am looking forward to sleeping in a bed and being able to walk around with my cane, rather than hanging on to everything in this trailer just to get from one end to the other. Ooh, and floor space for yoga! All of me needs yoga in my life… my physical self, my intellectual self, my emotional self, and my spiritual self. For the last year, my life has been chronically unmanageable. I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. This has been quite the journey. I can’t deny the fact that I am nervous and scared about what is going to happen, but I am also hopeful and excited. I know that no matter what happens, I will be provided for because my Higher Power and my supportive community, are always there for me. Okay one more thing, I am also happy to share that it came to me what I will be doing next with this business. Since I will not be able to make candles and do business as I had previously envisioned, I will be bringing it new life. And the funny thing is, it will be even better than I could have imagined before. It’s just going to take a while before I can get my bearings. Hopefully by this time next year, I will have a solid plan and ready to share with all of you. I think a year is plenty of time. Candle making for me is such a self-care, meditative practice at this point, and I am missing being able to get myself so easily into that type of head space. My self-care needs are not being met. It’s much more challenging these days. I have always used my candle making to express my emotions and work through my healing, by pouring my emotions into something beautiful. It even continues to help the healing process as the candle burns, it’s pretty cool. My hope is that writing can take its place for now. Just as a tool while I am healing. Once we move, it’ll be easier to find the time and space, because I’ll have access to internet again and a private space to write in. Soon I will find balance, I am sure of it. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.
It’s hard to know where to start when it’s been so long since I wrote last. I miss writing. The thing is, I’ve had to step way back and focus only on myself. It’s quite the challenge, but absolutely necessary. It’s meant that I have had to give up things I really enjoy. I’ve had to put dreams on hold. I’ve had to step away from relationships that don’t serve me. I’ve had to take a different path completely. I’ve also had to advocate for myself more than ever. I’ve had to work on forgiveness and acceptance. I’ve had to grow in ways I didn’t know I was capable of. Everything probably happened just the way it did so that I could be sitting right here and typing these exact words for you to read. It’s almost uncomfortable but then again, we grow when we are out of comfort zone.
For a little context, 9 months ago today, I had a car accident that turned my life upside down. It still manages to affect me today, in really big ways, but I have managed to get stronger and grow more each day. I don’t cry in pain anymore like I did… most days anyways. I’ve learned to adapt and work around the pain, so that I can continue to live my life and find any joy or serenity. Some days I don’t move and other days I move mountains. But even my days in bed mean something. Those are the days I am recouping my strength to keep on my journey. Some days I amaze myself that I have managed the way I have. I couldn’t have done it without my supportive community, that’s for sure. I am truly grateful for the support and proud of myself for how I have handled everything. Of course, I know this journey is far from over. There will be a lifetime of learning and growth. Afterall, I am an imperfect human being that has much to learn. I am filled with so much gratitude, I sometimes get overwhelmed that I don’t have enough physical energy to express it. The pain I’m in every waking moment, takes everything I have to give. It drains me often. I’ve been in survival mode now for a long time. I am tired. I’ve been tired. Truth is that my recovery saved me…. And continues to save me. If this would have happened 5-10 years ago, I probably would have ended my life. Then again… there have still been some days the thought has crossed my mind. Not as often anymore, but over the last 9 months, it still happened more times than I can count on both hands. A person in excruciating pain like this every day, can’t live a positive or healthy life without a large village of supporters. So, I’ve had to completely expose myself and allow others to pick up where I am not able. Talk about uncomfortable. I have been helped in more ways than I can express… and yet, there were literally still days it wasn’t enough. Giving things up just to have the mental capacity to survive, was all I could do. And there were days when something would take me off guard, or I wasn’t ready for, or were emotionally heavy, or even multiple things at once coming at me, and then it just made me mush. Almost as if I were incapable of functioning. I would literally beg and pray for any relief at that point. Eventually I gave up everything and said “Okay Higher Power, I’m listening…” and was led to where I am today. After that point, every step of the way I have consulted with my Higher Power. I have handed things over, kicking and screaming sometimes, and somehow everything turns out better than okay. And even though there is still quite a ways to go in my physical recovery, I know that my recovery journey is right on track.
The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.
– Confucius
There are still many opportunities for me to work through forgiveness, acceptance, understanding and much more. All I can do is take things One Step At A Time and keep working my recovery. If I go any faster, I will fall backwards. Honestly, this time down with a physical ailment, is a true blessing. I’m sure I would have been much more resistant otherwise. Amazing how things work out the way they do. Now I am mostly stable. I get through each day with my pain. Some days are hard, but I have lots of support and tools to help me through. And… the doctors finally have a plan to help! That part was hard, and likely an area I need to work on forgiveness. Being told repeatedly that the pain is in your head or that it’s only a flare-up is super frustrating. It took everything I had to advocate for myself this whole time. To finally be heard. And to be kind through the process. There is no way someone feels this much pain 24 hours a day and it’s just nothing. I’m glad I was resilient and stood my ground. I’m glad I kept refusing to take no for an answer. Now that I know what’s wrong, there is some relief. I can carve out the time I need to give my body rest. There is anxiety too. Surgery feels like a big deal. Not to mention, my life is not really set up for surgery. It’s not something I even considered really, because for so long I was told something else. But there is so much hope! Hope for recovery. Hope for pain-free days to come. Hope for putting this hardship behind me. I may have to set aside my business, school, friendships, you name it… but in the end, I will be stronger and more capable when it comes time to pick up where I left off. And maybe most wouldn’t understand what I’m going through but it’s pretty incredible that this hardship… this journey… has given me the practice and strength to be unapologetically me. That sure counts for something.
This particular title is important to me because it leads to one of the most supportive communities of recovery I ever imagined. Reaching out to other people is a hard task, but once we break our silence and really allow ourselves to be vulnerable about the things we are going through, we open ourselves up to being supported in ways that help us thrive in our journey’s. My life has been complete and utter chaos these last few months and I’ll tell ya, it hasn’t been easy to get myself out of bed everyday and push forward, but it is a whole heck of a lot easier with the supportive community that I have in my life. When I said previously that I isolate for days at a time, I didn’t mean that I isolate away from everyone. I meant that I isolate away from things and people that don’t serve me. Everyday I am in communication with my supportive community of recovery, that help uplift me by not offering advice, sharing tools and wisdom, listening to me cry through what I’m going through, and so much more. It’s important for me to make sure that during those harder moments, I am only sharing with individuals that I know are healthy and able to create a safe space for me to do so. And then days later when a loved one or friend contact me, or when I am ready to reach out, I am able to share with pure vulnerability and with healthy boundaries, what I had been going through during that time, which helps me grow my program. Being vulnerable is not something that the majority of people are comfortable with. Thankfully for myself, I have a large community of individuals who are willing to get in the mud with me, and really help me through when it is needed. By my doing so, I get to share that with others who are not quite ready for it, to show them it’s okay to open ourselves up to others and to really trust. I get to help others figure out how to navigate this uncomfortable journey of being our authentic selves and building deep connection with others… tears and all. It’s pretty incredible.
Being surrounded by people in recovery this last weekend has been quite the experience and really eye-opening to just how difficult that is for so many people. I have found that through my recovery, the more I connect with like-minded people who are also willing to get in the mud with others, I have more compassion for those who are observing from the side lines, wondering how the heck they are supposed to do that too. It’s pretty scary stuff. It’s icky and uncomfortable. But I must say, once you have even just one or two solid support people in your life who are healthy because they take care of themselves, use their tools, take their own inventory, are willing to admit their shortcomings, are emotionally mature, know they are not perfect, admit when they are wrong, really open themselves up to others, know what they do & don’t have control over, are willing to make amends, constantly working to improve their relationship with their Higher Power, and who respect you & your boundaries, you will find a whole new way of life. Sounds almost like a fairytale doesn’t it? It’s not. I have this in my own life… by the handfuls.
Being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure.
– Bob Marley
As I started to grow through what I went through, I managed to find myself a healthy person who did all of those things, that helped me build trust and gave me the time I needed to open myself up to them, by offering me patience and understanding. As I grew, so did my own boundaries. In time, I met another healthy person, and another. Until I looked around and I was surrounded by healthy people. Even the people who weren’t quite there, were following my lead and getting healthier in their own ways. It’s been pretty incredible to be a part of. What we can do for ourselves and others by turning it over to our Higher Power and really trusting the process, is beyond what we could imagine. I know it’s not an easy thing to do. I remember all of the fights with my Higher Power and the resistance I felt in putting in trust. There were lots of tears and angry words. It really came back to knowing that I needed something different. What I was doing wasn’t working. Now I am able to pray and meditate, allowing me the space and clear mind, to make healthy decisions and to build self-awareness. I’m not saying that my way is the only way to build a supportive community, but I do have some knowledge in how to get there. What works for me, won’t necessarily work for other people. But in the end, allowing ourselves to connect with healthy people, is an extremely important part of the process. Learn to reason things out with another person. We even get to learn through the process, how to keep ourselves safe and protect us from the people in our lives that might not be right where we need them as a support person. I know for myself, I have lots of friends and family members I want to keep around but may not be the person that can help me through the heavy hardships I am going through, because they have never been there. It doesn’t mean I end those relationships. It means I learn to set boundaries for myself. And if that means I have to isolate myself away from them while I figure out how to set appropriate boundaries for me, then that’s what I have to do. I always come out of it with great amounts of gratitude when it doesn’t take long for me to figure it out, so that I can keep the people I care about active in my life. It hurts when there are folks that I am still figuring out that safety for myself with and I am not yet able to set the needed boundaries to open myself up to them. Instead I just have to continue working through it with the healthy people in my life, and hope that when the time comes, they will understand and welcome me with open arms knowing that I took the necessary time to take care of myself and create safety as I needed it. Something we are all deserving of.
Just a little tip on where to start… find someone who has qualities and characteristics that you find attractive and you catch yourself saying “I want that” or asking “how do they do it?”, then reach out by striking up a conversation. Get to know them by asking questions and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Not to say that relationship will last forever, but you might learn something that helps you start to navigate how to move forward. It’s got to start somewhere. Start within you and allow yourself to create a deep connection with others. Don’t be afraid to get hurt. Use it as an opportunity to grow and learn a lesson that you can take with you to the next part of your journey.
It’s been just over six weeks since I wrote last. I’ve found it quite challenging to sit down and let myself get vulnerable with everything I have going on. As many of my followers may know, I was in a car accident back at the end of November. The first few months were quite rough. My pain levels were at the top of the chart by the end of each day. It was physically and mentally exhausting. I had to work hard every day to take extra care of myself in order to keep any serenity in my life. After so long, I eventually hit my wall. That happened just a couple of weeks ago. By that point, I could take no more and was in need of crutches in order to maintain my life in any normal capacity. It has now been two weeks on crutches. The first week on crutches was rough, because I was overly emotional. My pain levels were finally coming down, but then everything that has happened over the last few months weighed heavy on me because I had finally been able to see things more clearly. The pain fog was lifting. I understand that I did not operate at my best for the months after the accident. How could I? I was in excruciating pain… every day. That really does something to a person. On top of that, I lost my income, my housing, my car, my independence, and people along the way. I wasn’t able to focus on anything long enough to be productive in anything, so my business and this project took a hit. My child started to feel the effects. With all of that, my mental health took a hit. I did everything I could over those few months to take really good care of myself. I had to set uncomfortable boundaries. I had to say no more often. I had to give up things I enjoy. So many things happened that were hard. And now that my pain levels are less, I have been able to process everything more and really accept things for how they are. I am starting to feel more hopeful now. Through this entire process, I am so grateful for the people who stuck by my side and helped carry me through. My amazing supportive community of recovery that I have built, really has showed up for me. I have been reminded over and over again that I am worthy, that I will overcome these challenges, and that no matter the circumstances, I have people who will love me and support me. What I am going through will help people one day. And though this has all been very difficult, I know that this chapter of my story may help save the lives of others.
“In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.”
– Albert Einstein
Over the last few weeks… months really… I have been taking the much needed time to pray and meditate for acceptance, healing, strength, awareness, and much, much more. I have allowed myself to be vulnerable with my Higher Power. To really have the much needed conversations in order for me to find the solutions I have needed through this trial. And of course, He continues to show up for me. Slowly I am starting to work things out in positive ways. Through this time, I have not faltered so much that I have given up on the mission. Instead I have had to prioritize and take small baby steps in any direction. I am still working to put things together where I can. Some exciting things are in the works. Maybe I can’t produce candles at the moment, but other things truly are coming together. And the candles will come soon. Once my housing stabilizes and I move into my new office space, I will be ready to take those next steps. I just need to clear a few things off of my plate first. I will say however, that it is pretty likely that I will be on crutches for a few more months, so it will be important for me to maintain these new healthy boundaries for myself. And I don’t really mind the crutches, since it decreases my pain levels so significantly. It’s brought my pain down from an 8-10, to a 2! That’s a pretty amazing change. Being at a 2 allows me to do my physical therapy exercises and to just really focus on things that need to get done. It was really hard to advocate for myself the first few months, especially when I was told over and over again that it was just a flare up. I’m grateful that I kept advocating though, because eventually I was heard and now I’m just a few short weeks away from seeing the specialist that is going to help me make a plan of recovery. There is hope in sight.
This has been one of the hardest times I have ever had in my life. I truly believe that everything I have been through up to now, was to prepare me for this chapter of my life. There had been days that all I could do was cry. I had felt like a failure. I had felt unworthy. I had given up hope. All with what seemed like no light at the end of the tunnel. Things got really dark. The pain was so bad, that I just wanted it to be over, and in the worst of ways. Some days I just wanted a hug so badly, but I just wasn’t capable of asking for one. I had isolated myself for days at a time, just to cry uncontrollably when my loved ones would finally call me out of concern. Being in pain and having to carry everything I was going through, became one of the hardest things I ever had to do. And with each new thing that came my direction, it all got heavier and heavier until I couldn’t carry anymore. I know that I haven’t been operating at my best these last few months. But I must say, I did a darn good job given the circumstances, all thanks to my many tools, healthy practices and the support that I have. I’m pretty proud of myself for making it as long and far as I did. Today I am grateful that people showed up to help me, knowing that was what I needed. I am grateful for the many reminders that I am not in this journey alone. None of us are in this alone. There are people out there waiting to love you. You just have to allow yourself to welcome them in. It’s hard to do, and even more so when we do not believe we are worthy of that love because of what we are going through, but you are worthy. We all are. It’s all even more difficult for those of us who are used to carrying the weight of things on our own because we have been let down so often. But that gets better too, when we are a part of the right community. This whole part of my journey, will be a great testament in my story, and will all help me in this amazing mission of change. Stay tuned followers… the best has yet to come.
This last few weeks have been a little bit of a set back with my blog postings. At first I was just trying to keep my focus on the project, then last week I had to work through a complex loss that required me to take a few extra days of self-care. Now I am feeling much better and getting back into my routine, without the worry of needing to focus on extra healing. It’s hard to really know where to start to share the grief that surfaced for me because I am still working on processing it all but what I can say, is that I have a lot of gratitude for my recovery and for my support. I truly know that I am not alone. You see, I am very open about my recovery from the affects of alcoholism in my life, my childhood sexual abuse, living with chronic pain, domestic violence and trauma in the workplace. There is more, but those are the main things that have driven some of my poor coping in my past and what I’ve had to work through in order to be where I am today. Those are the traumas that had me living in fear and anxiety, dissociating from reality, being angry and irritable. I am in a much better place, as I’ve worked through these things and they no longer carry any negative weigh in my life. It’s pretty amazing what recovery can do. Of course there are still things to work through as they come up, but I show up every day to put in the work. This is a lifelong recovery after-all. And though my recovery may look different from yours, it is recovery none the less.
It’s taken years of practice of my tools (plus lots of tears & frustration), to work through the trauma that I am about to share with all of you. I want to start off by expressing how grateful I am for my family. Though we have healing to do, just as every family does, I am blessed to have my parents and my siblings. My biological mom and my dad who adopted me before birth, raised me with my 3 half siblings. We each have different family backgrounds and life experiences, but we love each other still the same and I wouldn’t change it for anything. I am blessed that my parents raised me the best they knew how and I carry only love in my heart for them. And as much as they tried to protect me from harm, there are some things out of our control. Kudos to them for doing a great job.
What came up for me after this recent complex loss, was how far I have come in my recovery from the childhood sexual abuse. You see, my biological father’s family did not play much of a role in my life, and the role they did play, was broken and messed up so it was pretty short lived. For years I was sexually abused by a biological family member. It started with grooming and ended with full on molestation and rape. By the time it came out, years of damage had already been done, and that half of my biological family was in complete denial. In time, I lost my relationship with every one of my immediate biological family members. No more family reunions or summer visits. I grieved those losses for a lot of years. Reality was, it was never going to work if everyone wanted to deny that it happened. Because the truth is, it happened and I was living the nightmare of the effects it had. Not talking about it and pretending it didn’t exist, caused me to shame and blame myself because I just didn’t understand. When I think back, I am shocked that an entire family could live that far in denial. Then again, denial is a dysfunctional attempt to pretend a painful reality doesn’t exist. Over the years, I have shamed and blamed myself so much, that I honestly lived in this negative, awful survival cloud for so long, that I had created this unpleasant reality for myself. I believed I was unlovable, unworthy and that somehow I was to blame for being exiled from that half of my family. When the reality is, no one in that family had the tools or skills to handle the conflict or address the issue, nor did they want to admit something so horrible could happen by a role model in that family. No one wanted to admit that something like that could really take place. Instead it was brushed aside as if it never happened, and I was the one who suffered.
“Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot tolerate having words wrapped around it. What it craves is secrecy, silence and judgment. If you stay quiet, you stay in a lot of self-judgment.
– Brene Brown
For all that time I went unhealed, I lost my relationship with my Higher Power. I had just accepted things the way they were, but I was angry and confused. So I just lived in anger for many years. I had no idea that there was an opportunity for healing and growth, by finding support and new tools. Over the years I had met a few people here and there that had gone through similar, but never did anyone actually talk about it. It was one of those things of “That happened to me too.” and nothing more. I never had an example from someone who had healed through it. I had no idea that leaving those wounds untreated and un-talked about, was causing me to live with this underlying notion that I was somehow unworthy and undeserving. Instead the women I knew who had it happen to them too, were experiencing the same negative thinking so it became normal. I knew over the years that things didn’t feel right and that what had happened to me was wrong, but that didn’t change my internal dialogue. I was still hard on myself and unable to work through it. Finally one day I woke up, and I needed something different. I didn’t know how, but I woke up everyday to figure it out. I put myself through therapy, support groups, and I built a solid foundation of natural supports. I went through trainings and I researched everything I could in order to understand why I was the way I was. There were lots of stumbles along the way, but I know that my journey happened just the way it was meant to.
Though it may have taken me 24 years to recover fully (forgiveness and all), I am a much stronger person now. I now have the strength to stand up and speak my truth. I now have the strength to share my experience, strength and hope. I now have the strength to stand for change. My experience will help many people for years to come, and though the brokenness of that biological family is extreme, I am grateful that as an individual, I have healed. Now through my recovery, I get to help others in ways that I once needed.
Something I have been working really hard at these last few days is to unapologetically honor my feelings… even when I feel shame or like my feelings are wrong in some way. Honoring my feelings with kindness and really being present to allow myself to feel them fully, is a practice that allows me an opportunity to grow and to heal. To really turn toward them, rather than push away from them, opens things up for self-discovery. It also shows that I respect myself as an individual and that I have compassion for the fact that I am human, with human emotions. Someone asked me, ‘how do you honor your feelings?’. Well, I set aside time and create a space for myself, where I feel comfortable enough to feel my feelings and I allow myself to work through those feelings without judgment. Sadness for instance. I set myself up in a calming, judgment-free zone, with meditative music and plenty of tissues, so that I can work through why I am sad. I write it out in a journal, talk it out with a friend or my Higher Power, practice mindfulness and I let the tears flow. I honor the fact that I might be feeling guilt, abandonment, powerlessness, vulnerability, loneliness or depression. Instead of carrying all of those emotions with me or being in denial that they exist, I allow myself the time to work through them and really honor why they exist to me. This way they do not end up affecting me in negative ways. In the past, I was really good about denying my feelings access to surface. It was the example I had been given… to just push my feelings aside and move forward as if they didn’t exist. Not to mention when a person gets shut down enough, told they’re being too sensitive or even when ridiculed for feeling a particular way, it’s only natural that we shut down. I have come to learn that is not healthy for my well-being, and instead through lots of practice, I allow myself the space to process and dig deep as to why I am feeling a certain way.
All over the place I see people denying access to their feelings and pushing forward as if nothing is bothering them. And in doing so, outsiders can see when those same individuals become irritable and unreasonable, without even knowing it. Much like addiction, when we deny ourselves access to feeling our feelings, we cover it all up in other (unhealthy) ways… without even realizing it. And those same folks are so far deep into their denial, that there is nothing that we can do besides lead by example and practice vulnerability ourselves, to show others that it’s okay. When we create a safe space, we open up the opportunity for us to discover things about ourselves and others, that we likely wouldn’t have seen before. This is now a daily practice for me, to really check in with myself and take a moral inventory, so that I am honoring my feelings and I can work through them without denying them access to surface. This is what helps me to continue on as a healthy individual. This allows me to work through the healing process at a much more efficient pace. I also recognize that I once upon a time ago really struggled with reacting before thinking about how to respond. Letting the pressure build up to the point that all I could do was to snap, not even knowing why because I never even considered allowing myself time to work through anything I was going through. Instead I just pushed it all down deep and put one foot in front of the other in an attempt to push forward. It was an unhealthy, but very natural way of life that so many people lead. It is all around us. And reality is, the majority of people, are denying themselves access to their true feelings. That’s part of why vulnerability is so scary for most people. Being vulnerable means we open ourselves up and have to take a real hard look at ourselves. We might just discover something we have been in denial about, that we won’t like, or something we have yet to know about ourselves. We might discover that we are living a lie, or that we have been covering up true feelings because we are worried about judgment. Lately for me, it’s been guilt and selfishness. Those two negative feelings have been keeping me from really honoring or working through feelings I have… because they feel wrong. Once I realized I was not being true to myself, I took the time to identify those negative feelings and work through them… unapologetically. Reality is, it’s important for us to work through our emotions with honesty and respect, even if we don’t agree with them… our feelings are valid. Our feelings are an authentic expression of who we are on a deeper level. So allow yourself to feel the pain, discomfort and negative feelings, because we can’t have the light without the dark.
“I can transform my feelings by being present with them.”
– Gabby Bernstein
Having a daily practice of vulnerability and honoring one’s feelings, gives us the chance to grow beyond what we believe we are capable of. And to really own our feelings, gives us a possibility to improve our self-worth, self-acceptance and self-love. It’s important that we acknowledge our emotions and look deeply at who we are, so that we can be the best versions of ourselves and truly honor who we are as individuals, rather than denying access to what our deepest part of ourselves truly desires. True healing and really honoring oneself fully, comes when we give ourselves permission to feel what we are truly feeling at our core. And though this exercise takes time and lots of practice, a great place to start is to create a safe space, set aside a specific amount of time, and really give yourself that time to be vulnerable and present with yourself. Let the tears flow even. The rest will come in time. So honor yourself, and get to know your inner truth.
Just as the title reads, this is the Season of Change. At the start of every new year, many people create resolutions and are working hard to stay on track to be successful. What many might not understand, is that change takes time. Often this is why people get discouraged and go back to their old habits. We put expectations on ourselves and when we fail, we will beat ourselves up or even give up completely. The fact of the matter is, it takes us a long time to learn our behaviors. Wouldn’t you think it holds true that it would take just as long (if not longer), to overcome them? Over the years I was one of those that just often set goals and would get frustrated when I didn’t succeed right away or had setbacks. Now after lots of practice and many tools, I am able to recognize that slow and steady wins the race. I work hard every day at being patient with myself so that I don’t fall back into my old habits and that negative self-talk does not take over. It’s a journey. And honestly, it’s easy to get discouraged or drift away from our goals when all the things in life are happening. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. It’s just hard because often we don’t even realize it’s happening until we are in deep and at our breaking point.
Some may warn us but denial is so often our first instinct because then we would have to admit we are sinking. It takes making a conscious decision to take one’s own inventory on a regular basis, in order to make sure we are not creeping back to where we were. It’s hard work, but thankfully I have gained the right support and tools to help me work through it all and grow from everything I learn. There was a day that I would have just continued on in my complaining or negativity, rather than finding gratitude and forgiveness in all things. But now, I find gratitude for my experiences and forgiveness for not knowing any better.
Forgiveness has been topic of conversation the last week or so, which I am thankful for because it is always a good reminder. Growing up, forgiveness is not something that we practiced. Naturally that followed me through adulthood. It was a foreign concept to me when I started my recovery. And it took me years to unpack what forgiveness really means. There were many situations in my life that I look back on, that I realize would have been much different had I known forgiveness then. So instead I practice it now, even for myself, for not knowing any better. Plus now, when I am hurt or angry, I work hard to process my feelings, let things go and practice forgiveness everyday, for others and myself. It’s not about what someone might have done or how they hurt me. This is about freeing up the space in my mind and heart to welcome more positive things. I no longer feel the need to defend myself or try to be heard. Instead I let others make their choices, and then I just practice forgiveness and set healthy boundaries. Which is also such a great way for me to maintain relationships with people I care about. Besides, we are all only human beings, doing what we know in that moment. If we want to help them do different, we should do different. Lead by example, and practice those values in all our affairs. And you know what… no matter what happens, when I practice forgiveness, I win every time.
“Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness.”
Gerald Jampolsky
Since forgiveness has been playing such a big role in my life, I have the opportunity for all of these amazing positive things now! Even when life happens. Even when someone intentionally hurts me. Even when I have every right to be angry. And yes, even when I don’t follow through on this years resolution. Instead, I get to walk into 2022 knowing that this is the Season of Change, because whatever happens, I have all the tools and support that I need to continue my journey as a healthy individual and conquer it all with grace. Because I will show up to put in the hard work. Every. Single. Day.
