Tag: self-care

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Fear Without Judgement

6-8 min read

With everything going on, I figured giving an update on my medical stuff would help me feel better and give others perspective about what’s going on in my life. This has been many months in the making and it’s been over a year since the car accident. As of this last week, I am officially scheduled to have surgery on my hip in just two short weeks. My Orthopedic Surgeon will be performing Hip Arthroscopy surgery, while also repairing my labral tear. Basically, she is reshaping the femoral head by shaving it down to remove bone that is causing an impingement, and will also be repairing the labrum, so that my joint will sit in the socket properly. Depending on how the surgery goes and what it looks like, there is a chance that they will need to perform micro-drilling as well (where they create little mini fractures to help increase blood flow to stimulate cartilage growth if needed), but I just won’t know until I come out of surgery if it was performed or not. That will depend on the condition of my joint when they get in there; as of now, I do have fluid buildup in my bone marrow, indicating my bone is not getting enough blood flow, which has caused further damage. It definitely hasn’t helped my ability to heal. My recovery is expected to look like 6-8 weeks on crutches. The micro-drilling happening or not will determine if it’ll be 2 or 8 weeks non-weightbearing. Directly after the surgery, they will perform Radiation Therapy on my hip (don’t worry, I won’t feel a thing, it’s low-risk & very effective) to help prevent excessive bone growth and over healing, then I will go home that night. By the time I get home that night, I will get on a spin cycle… twice a day for the duration of my recovery (the goal is to keep it up permanently), gradually increasing my time on the bike. I will also engage in a very strict 18-page Physical Therapy regimen over that timeframe. It’s intensive. It’ll help get me where I need to be though, to hopefully walk unassisted again. That is the hope. There is also a 50% chance that we will need to do the same thing on the other side, but we won’t know until after the full recovery time has passed for this initial surgery. I’ve also been continuously warned that there is damage to my nerves coming out of the base of my spinal cord, however I am already seeing improvement through my meditation and lifestyle changes, which is super positive. I am hopeful that will continue to improve as I grow in my practices and as I heal physically. Oh, how I look forward to doing yoga again! Every part of me needs yoga. I also plan to continue to maintain good self-care and include things like massage, acupuncture, float tanks and other practices, that require being present and mindful. This journey will be far from easy, but I am glad to share that I have been eating a healthy (and delicious) diet, specifically designed to help keep inflammation down, that should be maintainable through this process. I have support to call or video chat with. I have support that will come over. I have support that is willing to help pick up groceries, meal prep with me, pick me up and take me to go bake cookies, people to pray with, support groups I can attend virtually, support that will be there for me in many ways, so that I can be successful. I am also blessed to be able to take the time off work, so that I can focus only on my physical recovery and maintaining good mental health. Though this may be a challenging journey, the view that comes after should be pretty amazing.

There are lots of things that I plan to focus on to help create distance from all the hard work I will be putting in. Things like forgiveness, humility, grace, trust, patience, understanding, and all of those wonderful things that continue to grow in my life. I plan to embrace those things by journaling, puzzling, coloring, crocheting, reading, listening to podcasts, and truly taking care of myself. I plan to be present in my recovery and in this journey. I plan to soak up everything that it offers me, so that I can maximize my growth and healing. There is always much more that happens behind the scenes than people see. My hope is to share my recovery in some way, whether it be through writing or something else. I’m hoping I will be in a good place to share. I do also know the reality is that there will be some haaaaaard moments/days through this that I may not want to share about or be in a place to. Those moments will be best left for my support people who are prepared to lift me up with faith, hope and trust, because that is what I will need. As of now, I am as prepared as I can be. I’ve asked for help where I need it and I have safety set up with my supports. I am really looking forward to how this experience helps grow my relationships and my faith. There are some things I have fear around, however I just keep handing those things over and using my tools to get through. Fear has a funny way of getting us off course, so I just acknowledge the fear and am open with my Higher Power about how I’m feeling. That really helps. I always feel tons lighter when I am open about my fear. Even when it seems ridiculous. Part of the journey of fear is trust. That can be challenging to navigate for someone like me with trust issues. Sure makes me grateful for my program, my community and the foundation I have built. Makes growing through things much less challenging. Being able to reason things out with another person and put fear in words without judgement, shame or someone trying to fix it, makes a big difference in feeling good about being open and honest about fears, that’s for sure. I recognize not everyone is as fortunate as I am. It takes really building those relationships through boundaries, trust, understanding, patience, vulnerability and intention. If it wasn’t for having some solid relationships in my life, this surgery wouldn’t even be possible. This next step in my healing wouldn’t be possible. And I’m sure that there are many folks out there who do not get the same chance I do. I am truly blessed to have this opportunity to grow and heal, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, so I must honor this amazing gift by jumping in with both feet and no fear. And just maybe, my journey might help someone in their journey. The best has yet to come.

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Shammin’ & Blammin’

7-8 min read.

This last few weeks have been a little bit of a set back with my blog postings. At first I was just trying to keep my focus on the project, then last week I had to work through a complex loss that required me to take a few extra days of self-care. Now I am feeling much better and getting back into my routine, without the worry of needing to focus on extra healing. It’s hard to really know where to start to share the grief that surfaced for me because I am still working on processing it all but what I can say, is that I have a lot of gratitude for my recovery and for my support. I truly know that I am not alone. You see, I am very open about my recovery from the affects of alcoholism in my life, my childhood sexual abuse, living with chronic pain, domestic violence and trauma in the workplace. There is more, but those are the main things that have driven some of my poor coping in my past and what I’ve had to work through in order to be where I am today. Those are the traumas that had me living in fear and anxiety, dissociating from reality, being angry and irritable. I am in a much better place, as I’ve worked through these things and they no longer carry any negative weigh in my life. It’s pretty amazing what recovery can do. Of course there are still things to work through as they come up, but I show up every day to put in the work. This is a lifelong recovery after-all. And though my recovery may look different from yours, it is recovery none the less.

It’s taken years of practice of my tools (plus lots of tears & frustration), to work through the trauma that I am about to share with all of you. I want to start off by expressing how grateful I am for my family. Though we have healing to do, just as every family does, I am blessed to have my parents and my siblings. My biological mom and my dad who adopted me before birth, raised me with my 3 half siblings. We each have different family backgrounds and life experiences, but we love each other still the same and I wouldn’t change it for anything. I am blessed that my parents raised me the best they knew how and I carry only love in my heart for them. And as much as they tried to protect me from harm, there are some things out of our control. Kudos to them for doing a great job.

What came up for me after this recent complex loss, was how far I have come in my recovery from the childhood sexual abuse. You see, my biological father’s family did not play much of a role in my life, and the role they did play, was broken and messed up so it was pretty short lived. For years I was sexually abused by a biological family member. It started with grooming and ended with full on molestation and rape. By the time it came out, years of damage had already been done, and that half of my biological family was in complete denial. In time, I lost my relationship with every one of my immediate biological family members. No more family reunions or summer visits. I grieved those losses for a lot of years. Reality was, it was never going to work if everyone wanted to deny that it happened. Because the truth is, it happened and I was living the nightmare of the effects it had. Not talking about it and pretending it didn’t exist, caused me to shame and blame myself because I just didn’t understand. When I think back, I am shocked that an entire family could live that far in denial. Then again, denial is a dysfunctional attempt to pretend a painful reality doesn’t exist. Over the years, I have shamed and blamed myself so much, that I honestly lived in this negative, awful survival cloud for so long, that I had created this unpleasant reality for myself. I believed I was unlovable, unworthy and that somehow I was to blame for being exiled from that half of my family. When the reality is, no one in that family had the tools or skills to handle the conflict or address the issue, nor did they want to admit something so horrible could happen by a role model in that family. No one wanted to admit that something like that could really take place. Instead it was brushed aside as if it never happened, and I was the one who suffered.

“Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot tolerate having words wrapped around it. What it craves is secrecy, silence and judgment. If you stay quiet, you stay in a lot of self-judgment.

– Brene Brown

For all that time I went unhealed, I lost my relationship with my Higher Power. I had just accepted things the way they were, but I was angry and confused. So I just lived in anger for many years. I had no idea that there was an opportunity for healing and growth, by finding support and new tools. Over the years I had met a few people here and there that had gone through similar, but never did anyone actually talk about it. It was one of those things of “That happened to me too.” and nothing more. I never had an example from someone who had healed through it. I had no idea that leaving those wounds untreated and un-talked about, was causing me to live with this underlying notion that I was somehow unworthy and undeserving. Instead the women I knew who had it happen to them too, were experiencing the same negative thinking so it became normal. I knew over the years that things didn’t feel right and that what had happened to me was wrong, but that didn’t change my internal dialogue. I was still hard on myself and unable to work through it. Finally one day I woke up, and I needed something different. I didn’t know how, but I woke up everyday to figure it out. I put myself through therapy, support groups, and I built a solid foundation of natural supports. I went through trainings and I researched everything I could in order to understand why I was the way I was. There were lots of stumbles along the way, but I know that my journey happened just the way it was meant to.

Though it may have taken me 24 years to recover fully (forgiveness and all), I am a much stronger person now. I now have the strength to stand up and speak my truth. I now have the strength to share my experience, strength and hope. I now have the strength to stand for change. My experience will help many people for years to come, and though the brokenness of that biological family is extreme, I am grateful that as an individual, I have healed. Now through my recovery, I get to help others in ways that I once needed.

Amber T

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Strength in Vulnerability

I wasn’t going to post quite yet but as I was sitting here, I realized that I kind of need to. I’m going through a lot right now and I always feel better when I get things off my chest. The pressure has been building up. I am doing my best to take care of myself and really using all of my tools and support. It’s just also been quite the journey. Every day I am having to spend quite a bit of time healing physically and emotionally. In getting better, there are days that are harder than others, as sometimes things get worse before they get better, but I continue to push through. Being in pain has a way of wearing on one’s mental health. Which is why I have had to self-care every day, sometimes multiple times a day. It has a way of catching up to a person after so long though. Sitting here I caught myself starting to have negative self-talk and really just started doubting myself. Doubting my abilities, my skills, my parenting, my friendships, my future… it all just came at me at once. That’s how I knew it was time to write and share. Over the years, the gap between when negative self-talk creeps in, to using my tools, has significantly improved to the tiniest little gap. It’s taken years of practice for me to get to this place that I can so easily pull a tool out of my pocket and use it to get better. Not to say that I don’t have my moments, but often that just means I need to call someone and reason things out with another person. It works so often. I have a long list of supportive individuals, who make it easier for me to stay better. When I first started my recovery, picking up the phone and saying out loud what was going on, was by far the hardest thing I think I have ever done. But once I did, and I realized I wasn’t alone in my journey, and came to learn that there were others just like me, I got better. And I kept getting better. And honestly, I have no plan of slowing down any time soon when it comes to my growth. There are so many people in my life and that I care about, that I know are struggling with where I once was, and that helps motivate me to keep doing what I’m doing with this project and with improving my tools and support, so that more support can be available to those who need it. Knowing we are not alone in something, can really help someone overcome. Shame is such a hard part of that process. With shame comes vulnerability, and that can be SO hard to overcome. Especially when there is untreated trauma, addiction, mental illness… it can honestly keep someone sick. I am so glad that I have learned to speak about even things I once thought were unspeakable. Now I have come to learn that there is no shame in our experiences. Instead, we have a chance to overcome and get better, when we reason things out with another person. We can find new ways of handling situations or conflict, new ways of being. When I look back at my life and how I got to where I am today, I don’t see shame… I see strength. I overcame my generational trauma’s and broke the cycle that I grew up in. I have overcome most of my trauma’s that I have gained over the many years. I am no longer stuck where I was; I am now growing in every direction. And where I am still struggling, I practice my tools everyday because I know that in the not so far future, I will be an even better version of myself. I am now a leader of positive change and recovery. Leading by example. Sharing my truth. Being vulnerable in everything I do. Doing something I never thought I’d be strong enough to. And even on the most challenging of days, everything is okay. I’m okay. Because between the tools, support and my Higher Power, I know that everything will work out just the way it should. In regards to how this fits into my project, it has been setback after setback, but I continue to push forward and when I get setback, I always find that it happened for a reason I couldn’t see right away, but ends up working out just as it should. I’d encourage anyone going through a hard time to hang on as tight as you can, call a friend or a lifeline, say a prayer or meditate, and give yourself time and compassion to wait out whatever it is you are going through. Because in the end, you might be surprised. In the meantime, just know that there are people out there who love and care for you, and want to see you get better. There is no shame in going through the motions of life. We are as sick as our secrets. And somewhere out there, someone else has gone through something similar whom is waiting to share their story with you, so you too can get better and realize you are not alone to carry the burden of what you have been through. Keep coming back. The best has yet to come.

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What is recovery?

That is the question that was asked of me during my first day of training as a Recovery Coach. The answer seemed a lot easier when writing it in the workbook, at least it seemed easier up until I was asked to write my Recovery Journey anyways. I’ve had to really give it some thought so I’ve just been sitting in this hotel room trying to get lost in my thoughts by reflecting on what my Recovery Journey looks like to me. I have been on my journey now for three years. I have learned so many things and come so far, and I’ve also been writing about my journey in this blog that whole time. Though I don’t actually talk much about many of the details that get me to the new tools or healthy coping. Instead I’ve always been fearful of doing that without knowing who was reading so I’ve just left those details for my face-to-face interactions with people in my community and in my life, as a way to keep myself safe from judgment. For me I guess in order to put down on paper what my Recovery Journey is, it starts with asking myself “in what ways do I believe I am in recovery?”. I often tell people I am in recovery from my codependency and attraction to chaos. But reality is, it is so much deeper than that. Those are just symptoms. I am in recovery from the affects of growing up in an alcoholic home, being sexually abused as a child by a family member, the affects of alcoholism in my relationships and work places, as well as my past sexual assaults in my adult years, the affects of being strangled, emotionally abused, in recovery for my mental health (depression, anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD), homelessness, single-motherhood and physically for chronic pain from a prior car accident. With each of those major events were unhealthy learned behaviors that I am now working hard towards unlearning in order to be healthy. I work an active 12 step program where I am active in service, have a sponsor, and I work the Steps, Traditions & Concepts. I also have a therapist and do active talk therapy & EMDR sessions to work through some of the bigger events in my life that had the most harmful and unhealthy learned behaviors, so that I can work to reframe that trauma and come out with more awareness for change in how I cope. I recently went through a Domestic Violence Support Group for a year before I finally was able to grasp what domestic violence really is. With all of these traumas, I have taken steps towards recovery in some way, so that I can get better and be authentically me. Once I really started to address my early childhood sexual abuse, it really helped open my eyes to my past behaviors, in a way that I now have much more compassion for myself and others. Plus I just end up learning so many things about myself, that it helps me identify more goals and strengths. With all of those traumas came effects such as low self-esteem, low self-worth, low self-value, low confidence, people pleasing, submission, shame & guilt, fear, never feeling good enough, believing I could never amount to anything, believing I didn’t deserve anything good, the list goes on… awful effects that I know I am not alone in feeling. I have walked the journey with so many people who are strong and courageous enough to share their feelings of vulnerability, which has helped me grow further as a person and as a healer. I recognize that no one story is the same, just as no one recovery is the same. We are all on our own paths, in our own ways, but to be able to have someone on the journey with us… that makes all the difference in how we recover. With us… not judging, not bias, not objectifying. Just supporting our decisions to figure things out on their own. It brings a new meaning to ‘Meet them where they’re at’… it’s not about meeting them physically at their tent or on the street. It’s about meeting the person in those deep dark feelings that we have overcome already, and help them through the mud. That is part of what I am hoping to offer that is different than other organizations in my area. Though I do recognize that there are lots of helpers, lots of providers out there doing the work in their own ways, setting myself apart and truly getting in the mud with those suffering, and helping them come out stronger, that is where my passion really lies. I know that walking the journey with them is what is going to help them recover, and in-turn I will come out a better version of myself. And of course I am going to have to take extra care of myself while I do this work. That’s so important. I will have to focus even more on refilling my cup in order to be successful, but thankfully that is just another skill I get to teach other people. There are still many things in my own recovery that I am not yet ready to face, so it will also be important to set appropriate boundaries for myself and the people I serve. I’m grateful for my time working my Al-Anon program; that has helped me learn why boundaries are so necessary. So many things that have happened throughout this journey of recovery, and each one of them has happened in the time that it was needed. Recovery cannot be rushed, pushed or demanded. Recovery is by our own definition, on our own terms, in our own time. It is self-identified and self-driven. What a powerful word, recovery. I look forward to finetuning how I get to encompass being a Recovery Coach into this business and this journey. Stay tuned ya’ll.