Tag: trust

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Stinking Thinking

2-4 min read

It’s easy to sit down to write and come up with nothing. I have typed and deleted so many times, and yet still end up staring at a blank page. It’s at those times that I have to go back to basics and remember why I do this. This blog originally started as a way for me to share pieces of my recovery journey and talk about hard things that otherwise are difficult to share. This is also meant as a connection for others to relate to. I know there are parts of my journey that are dark and elicit heavy feelings of shame. When I speak those things out loud, that shame reduces, and the burden starts to lighten. Even more so when you’re in a safe environment to speak freely without judgment. That’s where the real power of healing comes. There are so many things that I can do for myself to aid my overall well-being. It’s my connection to others that levels me up. How do you get there though? It’s hard to connect to others, especially so when we have personal experience of being let down, getting hurt, being betrayed, and any other way that has deterred us from allowing others in. The thing is, once we are in the right environment with the right people, that changes. It takes a lot of trust and courage, in others and within ourselves. How can I even trust myself when I’ve always steered myself wrong? I no longer trust myself on my own. I trust myself with the help and guidance of those I trust who have my best interest at heart and can see things as I am, not as they perceive them. My Higher Power included. I don’t take action without using my tools and reasoning things out with another person. That helps keep me grounded and out of my stinking thinking. I have a history of anxiety, anger and fear driving my thoughts and behaviors. That’s something I have worked really hard to be aware of and change the way I react to the things in my life, my thoughts included. Of course, I still have days where I am compromised and struggle a little more with the negative thinking than I would on a normal day, but I bounce back way quicker than I did in the past. It helps to have so many people I can call to keep me healthy.

Look, I get it, it’s hard to even consider sharing openly with another person those dark thoughts that I feel ashamed of. I was lucky to find a program that specifically creates safe spaces for people to share the hard things. By sharing, I can heal. I have spoken out loud the very things I thought I would take to the grave with me, and I am a better version of myself because I have the courage to speak shameful things. Even when my voice shakes. Shame cannot survive spoken words when spoken in trust.

I imagine for many that the thought of trust makes your stomach turn or chills run up your spine. A small word, yet with big impact. Trust has been the topic this week for me. I talk about trust often, because it’s an important part of the healing process and I know how hard it is to build, especially so after trust has been broken. I hope you give yourself an opportunity to explore why the word trust shakes your core, and that you find forgiveness along the way.

Amber

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Picking up the Pieces

3-4 min read

Recently, I moved to a little place in the woods. I’m surrounded by trees and fresh air. It’s been quite a grounding experience. In the short amount of time that I’ve been here, I feel like I have more mental clarity and am finally able to stabilize in ways that I wasn’t even expecting. I lost a piece of myself after my car accident. Some days it feels like I lose a little piece of myself with every pain, with every added hardship, with every doubt. Hope can be hard to find, that was especially true at the beginning. I’ve come out of that experience with more gratitude and humility… probably trust too. On the days where hope didn’t exist, there was a darkness that felt impossible and heavy. Over the last two months, I got to walk alongside that darkness. It was hard to do but ultimately, I feel so much stronger now. I feel like I’ve been gifted this opportunity to heal and in order for me to be successful in my healing, I needed to embrace the pain. That is what strengthens my recovery… every single time. My ability to sit in the ugly, dark, painful truth and still find hope.

“The degree to which you are willing to embrace the pain of recovery,
is the degree to which you will recover.”

– Unknown

I took a leap of faith moving out into the woods, and it only took 3 short weeks to get me to this place that I feel ready. Ready for what, I don’t know. But I know that this time has been necessary to help me prepare myself for how the rest of this journey shows up. I know that the trees can take away my worries and fears. I know that the fresh mountain water can cleanse away the burdens that are not mine to carry. I know that the songs the birds are singing are sung just for me. These blessings are a gift of life and hope. When I think about where I am in this moment, I get overwhelmed with fear and excitement. The fear probably comes from a place of not feeling good enough or like I’ll fail, which I’m just going to hand right on over to my Higher Power and not let that drive my behaviors. Instead, I’ll sit in the excitement and have gratitude that I get to go on this journey. If you had ever told me that I would be right where I am, I wouldn’t have believed you. And yet here I am living it. I can’t attribute any of it to me being lucky or the stars aligning in my favor. I can attribute it to blind faith. Because when I had no other options, faith was what brought me through. It was all the years of practice that made it possible for me to even consider faith in my darkest times. Now it is a part of my testimony. I know from lived experience that you can turn around any negative, into a positive, and any darkness into light. In the past, fear is what carried me through most things… now, it’s faith. So, I will continue to show up in my faith, with both confidence and conviction.

Amber

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Practice Trust

5-7 min read

When I sit down to write, I like to be intentional about what I share out. Part of what I do is create a space to allow myself to be vulnerable. Open up about my feelings. Practice tools I’ve learned. And share my own Experience, Strength, and Hope. Often it comes with me putting words down but then realizing there is more work to be done before I can truly be intentional. It’s quite a process but it seems to work. Sometimes creating the space for me to be vulnerable means that I have to get through the mud to figure out what it is that I’m even feeling. Putting it into words isn’t an easy thing to do. It’s taken me years of practice, and I’m still a human being that gets it wrong. Recently I’ve had a lot going on which has given me lots of opportunities to feel my feelings. So much so, that it’s taking daily intentional work to overcome and teaches me something new about myself everyday. I have been experiencing three intense feelings all at once. I feel insecure. I feel abandoned. I feel unworthy. With one comes the other. Each causing the other to intensify. When I feel insecure, I find more reasons I feel abandoned or unworthy. When I feel unworthy, I start to feel more insecure and abandoned. When I feel abandoned, I feel unworthy and insecure. It’s a vicious cycle that requires a lot of work to stand up to. I’m blessed to have many tools and support that allow me to move through these feelings, rather than live in them. Currently, I’m in the midst of turning these negative feelings of insecurity, abandonment, and unworthiness, to faith, hope, and trust. To do that, I have to let go. Let go of the idea that I have any control at all. Let go of expectations I might have. Let go of any fantasies. Let go of my ego. Let go of my pride, guilt, and shame. Let go and hand it over. Whatever “it” is. But what does the act of letting go even look or feel like?

“Trust opens up new and unimagined possibilities.”

– Robert C Solomon

A friend of mine described it to me like this… “It’s like dropping a pencil. You just let the pencil go and everything is fine.”. I really appreciated her approach. We talked about what it means if that pencil represents something else such as anger, resentment, or something that’s bothering you. It was a great conversation. I always appreciate a program conversation in the wild. It inspired me to take some time to practice letting go further. Here’s what I learned. When the pencil was a pencil, it was easy to let go. My fingers would release, and the pencil would safely land. I did this over and over again, just to make sure I had the hang of it. Now, when the pencil represented sadness, I couldn’t let the pencil go. Immediately I thought to myself that means I would have to practice acceptance. When the pencil represented anger, I couldn’t let the pencil go. Immediately I thought to myself that means I would need to practice forgiveness. When the pencil represented my insecurities, I couldn’t let the pencil go. I’d need to practice trust. When the pencil represented my feelings of abandonment, I couldn’t let the pencil go. I knew I needed to practice faith. When the pencil represented unworthiness, I couldn’t let the pencil go. I knew what I needed to practice… I thought it was silly. I decided to practice anyways. Hope. I hoped that I could find a way to let go of feeling unworthy. I just sat there hoping at this pencil that I would find the will to just open my fingers and let it drop. And after repeating my hope to this pencil about five times, the pencil dropped from my fingers! It felt like a total accident. Honestly, I was blown away that the pencil dropped out of my fingers, and hope was exactly what was achieved. I became hopeful that I could let go of these feelings of sadness, anger, insecurities, abandonment, unworthiness, by practicing what I’ve learned. What a great example. The fact is it doesn’t come naturally to practice acceptance, forgiveness, trust, faith, and hope. It takes hard, intentional work. Every time I feel sadness, I have to practice acceptance. Every time I feel anger, I have to practice forgiveness. Every time I feel insecure, I have to practice trust. You get the picture. It is up to me to put in the work to come out of the negative feelings on the other side. Part of moving through the healing process is to embrace the feelings and try to understand what it is that they are telling you. Consider the feeling an opportunity to learn something new about yourself. When I picked up the pencil again, this time I chose acceptance instead of sadness, and I was able to let the pencil go. Forgiveness instead of anger, I let the pencil go. Trust instead of insecurities, I let the pencil go. And so forth. Letting go takes practice. Lots and lots of practice. Maybe next time you can’t figure out how to let something go, grab a pencil. See what it’s trying to tell you. Practice letting go of the pencil while it’s a pencil and once you’ve got the hang of it, let the pencil represent whatever “it” is that you are going through and try to learn what it’s telling you. What a fun experiment that was. Letting go keeps me healthy. I often hand things over to my Higher Power; I find that helpful. When I care about the outcome of something, the more I try to hang onto it, the more of a mess I seem to make. I’ve come to find that by letting go, I create the space for something better, beyond what I could even imagine. When I first started practicing letting go, I started with trust. Trust in myself. Trust in others. Trust in my Higher Power. Just as hard as it was to let the pencil go when it represented my insecurities, it was just as hard when the pencil represented trust. It was, however, much easier to get to the letting go part when the pencil represented trust. A lesson learned from the pencil. It takes less energy, to focus on trust. So, for now, I’m just a girl with her #2 pencil, practicing acceptance, forgiveness, faith, hope, and trust, until I come out on the other side.

Amber T

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Life As I Know It

6-7 min read

Over the last couple of months, I have finally had the capacity to do some reflection on everything that has occurred over the last two years. I have been taking much needed time to heal and recover Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally, and Spiritually. What a journey it’s been. It’s brought up many feelings and lots of questions. Some of the things that stand out to me are pain, sadness, grief, resilience, forgiveness, serenity, gratitude, and joy. I don’t think I’ll be able to put it into words in a way that can give it justice. What I can do, is share with you pieces of the journey that might offer some clarity. The thing that comes to mind first is to share my most recent doctor’s appointment and some of the challenges I’m still having. Before even going into the doctor’s office, I pretty much begged the doctor’s medical team to have the doctor review my medical history before meeting with me, with the emphasis that I want to rebuild trust to continue my care. My anxiety about that appointment was through the roof, but my therapist had assigned this task as homework for me to do before our next session and I knew it needed to be done. I had reservations though. I didn’t want to be treated the way I had in the past. I wanted them to take my request seriously. I just wanted an opportunity to further my healing. I didn’t want to go in there with my dukes up, but my lived experience through this accident stuff had me not trusting anyone in the primary care department. For a week leading up to the appointment, I was a mess every time it came to mind. I had to continuously use my tools, reason things out with my closest support people, and stay in contact with my Higher Power. By the time the morning came, my nerves were wrecked! I pushed through anyways and rehearsed the Serenity Prayer many times leading up to me standing in front of their building. I took a deep breath and made my way in. Somehow, I stayed fully present through the check-in process and walked step by step to the second floor. I sat there for a moment unable to read or concentrate like I was used to in the past. This time I anxiously got up and paced between entry ways not knowing which direction they would be coming out from, until I settled in a spot that gave me a full view where no one could surprise me. Repeating the Serenity Prayer some more and focusing on my breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. Doing my best to keep my heart rate down. They finally called me back to the exam room, and somehow, through this I still managed to be present with each foot forward. They got my weight and vitals, then I sat down. I remember the gal helping me from prior interactions, she always gave me the vibe that she genuinely cares about what she does so I found myself uncontrollably blurting out “I don’t want to be here”. She responded with compassion and asked me questions, so I went on to explain to her some of my experiences that led to the outburst, and she reassured me, gave me helpful advice, and offered me empathy. I appreciated her response to my reaction. She finally left and told me the doctor would be in shortly. I honestly don’t recall how long it took, but it seemed like he was there pretty quickly. I never did see his face since he had a mask on, but I know in my heart that I will always remember him as the person who saw me. And I mean really saw me. He started with an introduction and pleasantries, and quickly announced that he reviewed my chart and then asked me for a picture of what’s going on. I went on to explain to him the surgical history, the important details about the accident, and my physical symptoms (I don’t need to share more about those), that he needed to know to feel good about processing my request for pelvic floor therapy.

“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.”

– Oprah Winfrey

This doctor was great and truly handled my care with dignity and respect. He saw me as a person and honored everything I have been through since my accident. He validated my anxiety and unease about being in that clinic and told me that I have every right to feel the way I do, and that my PTSD is very real. He verbalized how proud of me he was for getting myself off all the medications and he cleared my med list without pushing more meds on me. I don’t manage my symptoms with narcotics or muscle relaxers anymore; I use a wide array of alternative methods that do not compromise my personality or ability to be present. The list of things I do to help myself to stay healthy is extensive. He asked me some questions to see how much of my daily functioning has been impacted, and he encouraged me to put full effort into the pelvic floor therapy in hopes that I will see improvements. He shared with me the type of practices that may be offered and even shared a personal story of a loved one that regained function after participating in those practices. I felt reassured and hopeful. Then we got into how much of my cognitive functioning has been affected. I shared with him that my therapist was concerned about a TBI. He asked if I hit my head, I said “no”. Then he asked me to share some of the symptoms that lead to that concern. I went on to explain to him that relationships have changed, I don’t recognize familiar people, I forget names and events, I struggle with decision-making and problem solving, words are often hard to find, difficulty expressing thoughts or understanding others, unable to process information, getting overwhelmed easily, forgetting where I am, memory loss, unable to collect thoughts when too much is happening around me, just to name a few. He let me know that the amount of nerve damage I’ve experienced has affected my cognitive functioning and that he cannot guarantee I will get it back but encouraged me to keep doing what I’m doing. I found his approach to me very kind and felt that he met me where I was at by getting on my level. He took the time to understand me instead of just pushing his own will on me or treating me as less than. I am so grateful that I walked into that clinic with courage, and that I asked for what I needed. He helped me regain some hope and trust. Both medical staff I met with gave me the tools I need to get my complex needs met; a much better interaction than I have had in the past.

My journey of recovery and rehabilitation is a work in progress. I continue to find ways to adjust and improve my overall well-being. I find joy more often, that’s good. I have my good days and bad days, and just as I’ve said before, even my bad days mean something. I am blessed that I can walk without assistance. I have a whole community of people standing with me, that I am beyond grateful for. Life as I know it will never be the same, but it is a life worth living after all.

Amber T

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Five Seconds of Courage

Five Seconds of Courage

4-5 min read

Fear and anxiety can at times be crippling. But where do we begin when fear and anxiety have hit that point? Over the years I have gained many tools and support that help me during those times. Most of the time before they become crippling, but not always. Recently I had something come up for me that was emotionally and spiritually important to me, and that fear started to take over. It was a lot of work to continuously overcome those negative thoughts and not let it drive my behaviors. Afterall, fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. Thankfully with the help of my tools and support, it never did hit me in a crippling way. I knew I would regret not listening to my heart so I put in a lot of hard work to ensure that didn’t happen. And I am beyond grateful that I put in the work to take care of myself (over days mind you) and truly prepare myself to be my strongest self before finally having just five seconds of courage to push through my fear and anxiety. Because truth be told, that’s all it takes for us to take big leaps. As many of you might know, fear and anxiety can prevent us from ever getting to the point of having those five seconds of courage. And that’s okay. It’ll be more fulfilling if you put in the work to behave in healthy ways versus reacting out of emotions. For myself, with this particular emotional and spiritual important thing to me (it was an amends to someone), it required that I took time to reflect on my emotions, reflect of my motives, reflect on whether I had any expectations, reflect on whether I am healthy enough in my recovery, reflect on the past, reflect on whether there might be harm done, you name it. There was a lot of work I put in to ensure that I was doing the right thing. During the process, there were many fearful and anxious thoughts that would try to take over. Instead of letting those thoughts live in my head, I handed them over and would say the Serenity Prayer, have a conversation with my Higher Power or a trusted friend, write it out, and truly take care of myself. I gave myself time to understand my fear. I gave myself time to understand my anxiety. And what it came down to was that it was important to me. It makes total sense that through the process I got worked up about possible outcomes. I also know from experience that I could come up with a thousand different scenarios that might happen and not one of them would be correct. The next best thing was to accept that I was powerless over how another person responds to me or how they react. The only thing I have control over are my own actions and words, and it’s important to me that I honor my authentic self. I’ve learned over the years that if I work my recovery, use my tools and support, I have a better chance of coming out stronger and healthier. And let me tell you, that’s exactly what happened. Not only was the experience positive in really big ways, but I also came to really see (and feel) how far I have come over the years. Chasing recovery has a way of really paying off in unexpected ways. Of course, the process is scary and unknown, but trust me when I say, it is totally worth it.

“The best way out is always through.”

– Robert Frost

Recovery often feels like starting all over. Rediscovering who you really are, without hiding behind that one thing that has kept you from being your true, authentic self. To learn new behaviors and beliefs, while placing our problems in its true perspective, allows us an opportunity to grow and heal in really big ways. The longer I practice what I learn and reach out to my support, the more I can see the growth in my life, providing strong support in times of doubt, and bringing me great strength and courage I didn’t have before. I may have been skeptical at first, but I paid attention to what was happening around me, and in my life, bringing me perspective that helped me build trust in myself and in the process of recovery. Time somehow offers us insight and gives us an opportunity to be more informed, so if I can offer you anything, I offer you this… keep showing up to put in the work, giving yourself time to see how it shows up for you in your life. Same when it comes to using new tools… practice the tools for a short time before giving up on them for not working. Just as a new habit takes time to build, learning new behaviors and ways of coping deserves the same time to implement into your life. Give yourself lots of grace and remember that you are a beautifully pieced together masterpiece that came together through Progress, Not Perfection. For me, I look forward to seeing more about how my recovery helps me to keep taking the leap and finding that five seconds of courage it takes to change my life in unexpected (and beautiful) ways!

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Invest in Healing

6-7 min read

The last week has been good. I’ve been able to find some balance in some areas of my life. My main focuses are my physical self, intellectual self, emotional self, and spiritual self. When I have each of those areas balanced, I operate at my best. Since my physical recovery is in progress, that is just something that I have to take my time on and follow all of the recommendations I’ve been given, and then I have to work extra hard in the other three parts of myself. Intellectually I have been doing really well. I’ve been reading some great books, that are challenging me in my healing, goals I have, teaching me more about things I’m passionate about, and keeping me stimulated. Reading has been a positive way for me to not go down any rabbit holes of excessive social media scrolling, overthinking, or distracting myself from reality. It’s been an overall good experience. I’ve also maintained positive interactions with people… with my supports. This keeps me growing and healthy. It also helps me find balance emotionally. Maintaining my community rather than isolating or pushing away, has allowed me to grow my relationships further and truly expose myself to others. I’ve been able to ask for help, be vulnerable, express gratitude, and really open myself up to the love everyone is offering. That has not only been overwhelming, but also so good for my growth. As for balancing my spiritual well-being, I continue to maintain my relationships with those who are on a similar journey as me in faith, I have taken time to study more faith-based teachings, I am in constant contact with my Higher Power, and I have carved out time and space to be still. Practicing these things keeps me spiritually healthy. In all of these areas, I know that there is room for improvement, so I continue to put in the work each day… with intention. Since my most challenging focus area is my physical health, I make it a point to give myself extra time in all of the other areas, so that they can carry me through as my physical health recovers.

“The process of healing does not end when the wounds are no longer visible. It ends when the wounds no longer ache.”

– Muskan Sharma

To give an update about my physical health, I’m riding my bike twice a day as I was instructed to. I’m up to six minutes each ride! I’m supposed to increase my time by one minute every other day. I started physical therapy today, and though I started with what might appear as the lowest of low exercises, they are challenging for me. Even just completing my first set this evening, I am already a little sore and I know it will take a few days of persistence and repetition, for me to do them with ease. I could focus on the fact that these are literal baby step exercises, and I “should” be able to do them, or how ridiculous it seems that they are “challenging”, or I could lie and tell myself that they will make no difference, but none of those would be conducive to my mental health or my physical recovery. Instead, I will celebrate the fact that I am motivated and putting in the work! It takes great patience, resilience and perseverance to get through a journey like this. And I am beyond hopeful that every single moment of hard work in this journey will be worth it, down to the smallest of details. My mindset is an important part of my success in this. I choose to be positive and if there is anything that starts to get too heavy or feel negative, I hand it over. I call someone and reason things out. I find ways to be still, and to work it out with my Higher Power and my community. I meditate and pray. I slow down and refocus. I’ll be honest, a few days ago when my pain levels went up, I was frustrated and angry for longer than I liked. I had to work extra hard to work through that in a healthy way, so as not to stay there. Coming out of it really didn’t take as much as I expected it to, because of how much practice I have had over the years. My fear no longer took over like it could have in the past. Instead, I was met with so much grace, understanding, patience, encouragement, love and support, that I naturally started to feel the same way. Having a supportive community such as mine can really make all the difference, especially in journeys such as these. Moving into this next phase of my recovery, I know that I will have hard days. Physical therapy is my least favorite thing… ever. To add that on top of everything else, I had to prepare myself mentally for this. And then if anything happens that increases my pain, it can really throw things off. Just this evening after riding the bike and accidentally stepping off with too much weight on my leg, my pain levels went up and I instantly was getting irritated and feeling a bit miserable. After recognizing my mood, I immediately sent a message to a friend, sharing about my pain. They didn’t try to fix it. They didn’t tell me I shouldn’t feel that way. They heard me. They supported me. Within minutes I felt better. Not because my pain went away, but because I knew I wasn’t alone. There are other moments when I ugly cry because someone supports me in ways, I didn’t even know I needed. All because I am seen, and they honor my journey for what it is. That makes all the difference for me. If you as reader take anything from this share, I hope you recognize just how powerful investing in your own healing can be for your past, present and future self. If it wasn’t for the many years of investment that I put into healing in all the areas of my life (physically, intellectually, emotionally & spiritually), this journey would look much different. So, take the leap. Put in the effort. Truly discover yourself and learn to meet your own needs. Get in touch with your Higher Power. Build your community. Find out what drives your behaviors and work on healing with intention. Discover what you like and don’t like about yourself. Learn to trust and truly love yourself. In the end, you will give yourself an amazing gift, that will keep on giving to you and everyone whose life you touch.

Amber T

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Fear Without Judgement

6-8 min read

With everything going on, I figured giving an update on my medical stuff would help me feel better and give others perspective about what’s going on in my life. This has been many months in the making and it’s been over a year since the car accident. As of this last week, I am officially scheduled to have surgery on my hip in just two short weeks. My Orthopedic Surgeon will be performing Hip Arthroscopy surgery, while also repairing my labral tear. Basically, she is reshaping the femoral head by shaving it down to remove bone that is causing an impingement, and will also be repairing the labrum, so that my joint will sit in the socket properly. Depending on how the surgery goes and what it looks like, there is a chance that they will need to perform micro-drilling as well (where they create little mini fractures to help increase blood flow to stimulate cartilage growth if needed), but I just won’t know until I come out of surgery if it was performed or not. That will depend on the condition of my joint when they get in there; as of now, I do have fluid buildup in my bone marrow, indicating my bone is not getting enough blood flow, which has caused further damage. It definitely hasn’t helped my ability to heal. My recovery is expected to look like 6-8 weeks on crutches. The micro-drilling happening or not will determine if it’ll be 2 or 8 weeks non-weightbearing. Directly after the surgery, they will perform Radiation Therapy on my hip (don’t worry, I won’t feel a thing, it’s low-risk & very effective) to help prevent excessive bone growth and over healing, then I will go home that night. By the time I get home that night, I will get on a spin cycle… twice a day for the duration of my recovery (the goal is to keep it up permanently), gradually increasing my time on the bike. I will also engage in a very strict 18-page Physical Therapy regimen over that timeframe. It’s intensive. It’ll help get me where I need to be though, to hopefully walk unassisted again. That is the hope. There is also a 50% chance that we will need to do the same thing on the other side, but we won’t know until after the full recovery time has passed for this initial surgery. I’ve also been continuously warned that there is damage to my nerves coming out of the base of my spinal cord, however I am already seeing improvement through my meditation and lifestyle changes, which is super positive. I am hopeful that will continue to improve as I grow in my practices and as I heal physically. Oh, how I look forward to doing yoga again! Every part of me needs yoga. I also plan to continue to maintain good self-care and include things like massage, acupuncture, float tanks and other practices, that require being present and mindful. This journey will be far from easy, but I am glad to share that I have been eating a healthy (and delicious) diet, specifically designed to help keep inflammation down, that should be maintainable through this process. I have support to call or video chat with. I have support that will come over. I have support that is willing to help pick up groceries, meal prep with me, pick me up and take me to go bake cookies, people to pray with, support groups I can attend virtually, support that will be there for me in many ways, so that I can be successful. I am also blessed to be able to take the time off work, so that I can focus only on my physical recovery and maintaining good mental health. Though this may be a challenging journey, the view that comes after should be pretty amazing.

There are lots of things that I plan to focus on to help create distance from all the hard work I will be putting in. Things like forgiveness, humility, grace, trust, patience, understanding, and all of those wonderful things that continue to grow in my life. I plan to embrace those things by journaling, puzzling, coloring, crocheting, reading, listening to podcasts, and truly taking care of myself. I plan to be present in my recovery and in this journey. I plan to soak up everything that it offers me, so that I can maximize my growth and healing. There is always much more that happens behind the scenes than people see. My hope is to share my recovery in some way, whether it be through writing or something else. I’m hoping I will be in a good place to share. I do also know the reality is that there will be some haaaaaard moments/days through this that I may not want to share about or be in a place to. Those moments will be best left for my support people who are prepared to lift me up with faith, hope and trust, because that is what I will need. As of now, I am as prepared as I can be. I’ve asked for help where I need it and I have safety set up with my supports. I am really looking forward to how this experience helps grow my relationships and my faith. There are some things I have fear around, however I just keep handing those things over and using my tools to get through. Fear has a funny way of getting us off course, so I just acknowledge the fear and am open with my Higher Power about how I’m feeling. That really helps. I always feel tons lighter when I am open about my fear. Even when it seems ridiculous. Part of the journey of fear is trust. That can be challenging to navigate for someone like me with trust issues. Sure makes me grateful for my program, my community and the foundation I have built. Makes growing through things much less challenging. Being able to reason things out with another person and put fear in words without judgement, shame or someone trying to fix it, makes a big difference in feeling good about being open and honest about fears, that’s for sure. I recognize not everyone is as fortunate as I am. It takes really building those relationships through boundaries, trust, understanding, patience, vulnerability and intention. If it wasn’t for having some solid relationships in my life, this surgery wouldn’t even be possible. This next step in my healing wouldn’t be possible. And I’m sure that there are many folks out there who do not get the same chance I do. I am truly blessed to have this opportunity to grow and heal, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, so I must honor this amazing gift by jumping in with both feet and no fear. And just maybe, my journey might help someone in their journey. The best has yet to come.

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Reaching Out…

6-7 min read

This particular title is important to me because it leads to one of the most supportive communities of recovery I ever imagined. Reaching out to other people is a hard task, but once we break our silence and really allow ourselves to be vulnerable about the things we are going through, we open ourselves up to being supported in ways that help us thrive in our journey’s. My life has been complete and utter chaos these last few months and I’ll tell ya, it hasn’t been easy to get myself out of bed everyday and push forward, but it is a whole heck of a lot easier with the supportive community that I have in my life. When I said previously that I isolate for days at a time, I didn’t mean that I isolate away from everyone. I meant that I isolate away from things and people that don’t serve me. Everyday I am in communication with my supportive community of recovery, that help uplift me by not offering advice, sharing tools and wisdom, listening to me cry through what I’m going through, and so much more. It’s important for me to make sure that during those harder moments, I am only sharing with individuals that I know are healthy and able to create a safe space for me to do so. And then days later when a loved one or friend contact me, or when I am ready to reach out, I am able to share with pure vulnerability and with healthy boundaries, what I had been going through during that time, which helps me grow my program. Being vulnerable is not something that the majority of people are comfortable with. Thankfully for myself, I have a large community of individuals who are willing to get in the mud with me, and really help me through when it is needed. By my doing so, I get to share that with others who are not quite ready for it, to show them it’s okay to open ourselves up to others and to really trust. I get to help others figure out how to navigate this uncomfortable journey of being our authentic selves and building deep connection with others… tears and all. It’s pretty incredible.

Being surrounded by people in recovery this last weekend has been quite the experience and really eye-opening to just how difficult that is for so many people. I have found that through my recovery, the more I connect with like-minded people who are also willing to get in the mud with others, I have more compassion for those who are observing from the side lines, wondering how the heck they are supposed to do that too. It’s pretty scary stuff. It’s icky and uncomfortable. But I must say, once you have even just one or two solid support people in your life who are healthy because they take care of themselves, use their tools, take their own inventory, are willing to admit their shortcomings, are emotionally mature, know they are not perfect, admit when they are wrong, really open themselves up to others, know what they do & don’t have control over, are willing to make amends, constantly working to improve their relationship with their Higher Power, and who respect you & your boundaries, you will find a whole new way of life. Sounds almost like a fairytale doesn’t it? It’s not. I have this in my own life… by the handfuls.

Being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure.

– Bob Marley

As I started to grow through what I went through, I managed to find myself a healthy person who did all of those things, that helped me build trust and gave me the time I needed to open myself up to them, by offering me patience and understanding. As I grew, so did my own boundaries. In time, I met another healthy person, and another. Until I looked around and I was surrounded by healthy people. Even the people who weren’t quite there, were following my lead and getting healthier in their own ways. It’s been pretty incredible to be a part of. What we can do for ourselves and others by turning it over to our Higher Power and really trusting the process, is beyond what we could imagine. I know it’s not an easy thing to do. I remember all of the fights with my Higher Power and the resistance I felt in putting in trust. There were lots of tears and angry words. It really came back to knowing that I needed something different. What I was doing wasn’t working. Now I am able to pray and meditate, allowing me the space and clear mind, to make healthy decisions and to build self-awareness. I’m not saying that my way is the only way to build a supportive community, but I do have some knowledge in how to get there. What works for me, won’t necessarily work for other people. But in the end, allowing ourselves to connect with healthy people, is an extremely important part of the process. Learn to reason things out with another person. We even get to learn through the process, how to keep ourselves safe and protect us from the people in our lives that might not be right where we need them as a support person. I know for myself, I have lots of friends and family members I want to keep around but may not be the person that can help me through the heavy hardships I am going through, because they have never been there. It doesn’t mean I end those relationships. It means I learn to set boundaries for myself. And if that means I have to isolate myself away from them while I figure out how to set appropriate boundaries for me, then that’s what I have to do. I always come out of it with great amounts of gratitude when it doesn’t take long for me to figure it out, so that I can keep the people I care about active in my life. It hurts when there are folks that I am still figuring out that safety for myself with and I am not yet able to set the needed boundaries to open myself up to them. Instead I just have to continue working through it with the healthy people in my life, and hope that when the time comes, they will understand and welcome me with open arms knowing that I took the necessary time to take care of myself and create safety as I needed it. Something we are all deserving of.

Just a little tip on where to start… find someone who has qualities and characteristics that you find attractive and you catch yourself saying “I want that” or asking “how do they do it?”, then reach out by striking up a conversation. Get to know them by asking questions and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Not to say that relationship will last forever, but you might learn something that helps you start to navigate how to move forward. It’s got to start somewhere. Start within you and allow yourself to create a deep connection with others. Don’t be afraid to get hurt. Use it as an opportunity to grow and learn a lesson that you can take with you to the next part of your journey.

Amber T

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Stepping out…

It’s been a while since I wrote. I’ve been going through a lot. I honestly don’t even know where to begin to share really, but the reality is, I have to just start putting my fingers to the keyboard and let things flow. Part of my mission is to be vulnerable and share my journey, in hopes to help other people and to support this mission of change. By sharing my recovery story, I hope to help educate and give people understanding about how our untreated trauma can affect all areas of our lives without even realizing it’s happening. The goal is to keep up on at least one blog post a week, a few short Facebook posts, and maybe some Instagram or TikTok… I haven’t decided yet. But maybe me putting it out there will help keep me accountable, we’ll see. I’m confident that it will all come together in time.

Anyways, so here’s the deal, I am officially capped out. I have nothing left to give. I am making a conscious decision to Keep It Simple… for now. By focusing on me, my recovery and this project, I will heal and get better, so that I am better able to be there for others the way I am meant to be. The thing is, with all the things I am going through, and some most recent happenings, if I don’t slow down, I may relapse. I feel the urge to go back to my old coping habits of anger and destruction. No, thank you. I would much rather choose a healthier path, so instead I am focusing on Gratitude, Trust, Vulnerability and Forgiveness. Four very important virtues that I am still trying to figure out. Part of my journey is to understand and actively practice them in all aspects of my life. In doing so, I will be a healthier version of me. It makes sense though, that anger and destruction are where I want to go back to… it’s what I have known all my life. Growing up in an alcoholic home came with a lot of poor coping habits of not handling our emotions in healthy ways… and we definitely didn’t talk about our feelings. There was no positive communication or addressing conflict in healthy ways. It didn’t exist. To no fault of anyone. They are just not skills any of us ever had. It’s something now that I work hard at every day to change in positive ways. Through the work in my program, I have found new ways of expressing myself. I write a lot about that piece of my journey in my earlier posts. I would encourage all of my readers to check out my other posts over the years. It’ll give you some perspective into who I am on a deeper level and you’re likely to find some helpful tools. Perspective is where I really started to open up.

Throughout my time in recovery, I have been working extra hard to overcome (and grow) from the affects of alcoholism in the home and relationships, domestic violence, childhood sexual abuse, work traumas, mental health issues, chronic pain, single-momhood, and so much more. Those top three things are what has really driven my behaviors for so many years, causing the highest level of trauma. Now that I’m in recovery, all I have ever known has changed. It’s all new, uncomfortable and yet feels good. Proof that we do recover. Which is funny because most people hear recovery, and they think recovery from drugs and alcohol. No one ever thinks about the fact that a person has to recover from years of childhood sexual abuse by a family member and the many years of poor coping that follows. And that’s because it goes untalked about and is misunderstood. Just like alcoholism in the home… the family disease that no one ever talks about. Just like domestic violence… it goes untalked about, unreported. Imagine having multiple of these things piling up over years and years, and how damaging it can be to someone’s self-worth, never actually working through it in healthy ways. Yeah, pretty bad right? That’s where I’ve been… until the last few years anyways. Back in January things were getting pretty heavy for me… and dark. Scary dark. I started having really unpleasant, suicidal thoughts. It was a pretty scary time, and honestly sometimes still can be. It’s a work in progress. At least now I know how to pick up the phone and reach out when I start making my way down the dark rabbit hole that does me no good to visit. I used to live there. I am so grateful I made a decision to get better. It’s been quite the journey. But for the first time in all my years of living in trauma, I now no longer go straight to not feeling good enough or feeling unworthy. At least now I give myself space to use the tools I’ve learned and really heal. It’s taken a lot of practice and hard work to get to a place I am able to do that first and foremost… now it is just second nature. It was so much harder to do when I was stuck feeling like I wasn’t enough. For too long I let my self-worth be measured by others. It makes sense though given the fact that safety was taken away from me when I was just a young girl, I grew up in a home where my voice did not matter, I was constantly told that I would never amount to anything, and throughout my lifetime I have been treated/assaulted in ways that made me feel completely insignificant. And when a person is low enough, they accept unacceptable behaviors, making them feel even worse over and over again. Oh the things that will be discussed in time. For now I will focus on why I am sharing all this with you today… Moving forward, I will be sharing details about things I have worked through in my recovery, which can be quite triggering for some, and healing for others. Throughout the year I have worked hard to cope through clusters of my trauma in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing) Therapy; it’s basically a fast track, reframing the trauma and mindset, to more positive thinking/self-talk, reducing the need for many years of talk therapy. So far I have worked through my long-term childhood sexual abuse by a family member, a prior relationship with an alcoholic, and a DV event where I was strangled. Those were all pretty intense traumas that I worked hard to stuff down for a lot of years because I didn’t have the skill to work through them in healthy ways. I did the best I could. I had slowly accepted those things happened to me and that I was getting better, but through the EMDR therapy, I have come out so much stronger and with a much higher level of awareness and growth in healthy ways. It’s a blessing really. I know I am getting better because those are things I am able to talk about now. Maybe not always with ease, but I can do it without the pain they once caused me. I still have quite a bit to work through, and I’ll share along the way if I am feeling up to it. As of a few weeks ago, I switched over to regular talk therapy while I work to navigate a recent traumatic event that caused a pretty significant trigger, which as you can probably imagine, has me at a place that I have no choice but to take care of me before I have a complete breakdown. Triggers are funny like that. While I’m trying to work through feeling my feelings with the traumatic event, it’s causing me more awareness in areas I was not expecting to have to face like this from another event that surfaced and intensifies what I’m going through. And there’s no going back now. I am going to embrace this opportunity for growth, but it is really, really uncomfortable. Which means I have to take extra good care of myself, so that I don’t fall back into that negative self-talk of “I am not good enough” or “I am unworthy”… “I am unlovable”… “I am pathetic”… the list goes on and on. Being there mentally is exhausting. Battling that negative self-talk, also exhausting. It gets even worse when unhealthy, toxic people try to project their negative stuff onto you, which they do because they are uncomfortable within themselves. However, my history of being a people pleaser who likes to carry everyone’s burdens, is a recipe for disaster for those types. I always lose. I sure am glad that I know more about boundaries and detachment now. I am blessed to have my lived experience and extensive toolbox, as they help me be the person I am today.

Thankfully I have great support and I have spent the last couple of weeks setting myself up with the right support people for what I need right now, and I am going to face what I am going through head-on. I sure am proud of my strength. Even when I want to give up, run away, or worse crosses my mind, I put one foot in front of the other and take One Step at a Time. I continue to show up… maybe not with bells on, but I show up and give all I’ve got. We are all survivors. We all only know what we know. It’s important to always be kind to ourselves. Give yourself space to understand who you are as a person. Making a decision to do better is where our power lives. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.

Here is some helpful information about EMDR Therapy in case you are interested in how it works. https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/

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Acceptance and trust…

That’s been the theme of my life these last few weeks. It’s been really challenging but also has come with a lot of growth. I’ve had more tears than usual that’s for sure. Acceptance is a lot easier for me. It’s something that I’ve worked hard at these last few years. It was a foreign concept before then. Trust on the other hand. That is new. To trust that everything will be okay… to trust that someone is genuine… to trust that I deserve the good things that are happening in my life… to trust myself… these are all things that I fight myself on constantly. I am grateful that I have any level of awareness about trust and have improved my relationship with my Higher Power, otherwise I’m not so sure it’d be as possible as it has been. My mirror reminders are super helpful too. Not to mention the amazing support system that I have developed. You see, I spent the majority of my life surrounding myself around poor quality individuals and accepting much less than I deserved… people wanted to take advantage of me. And they did, let me tell you. So these last five or so years have been rough because I have only allowed very few people in… everyone else has had no possibility of even coming close to me letting my walls down. Now that I trust myself more and have grown as a person, that’s changing. And every time I let my wall down even just a smidge, I cry. It’s so challenging for me to allow myself to be vulnerable. I have been on my own now for so long, and I have been broken for even longer… to trust that someone is not going to take advantage of me, takes every atom in my body to hold myself together and not just run as far away as possible. Just the thought of it has me tearing up. Since trust has been the theme of my life lately, I am extremely sensitive to any situation where I have to trust and be vulnerable. So I just cry. I allow the tears. Sometimes I have to work really hard to hold them back. Not today. Today I let a few tears out here and there, and then when I got home, I bawled. For like an hour. In the moment I was having a hard time being positive. I was wanting to give up on trust. In my brain, everything would have been a lot easier if I could just sell everything I own, run away to another state and never look back. Give up on this whole endeavor. Give up on my friends. Give up on the idea of ever dating again. Give up on helping people in my community. That was a pretty crummy place to be in at that moment… so I just cried. Because the reality is, I want trust. I want what trust has to offer. But trust is not something I am used to. Trust is not easy for someone with the level of trauma that I have. Of course I’m working through it all, but it doesn’t mean I don’t fall sometimes. And I always pick myself up. You see, I work with people almost daily in helping them overcome their own traumas and not getting in their own way of living a fulfilled life. I’d be a total hypocrite if I just ran away. Instead that motivates me. It helps me push through and continue the journey of helping people… being able to help walk with someone in their journey. I teach what I learn, and I also share what I go through as a way to help other people because I can relate to these feelings of shame, guilt, fear, embarrassment, insignificance, worthlessness, abandonment, emptiness, rejection, anxiety, humiliation, anger, resentment, loneliness, the list goes on. And I always try to imagine what it is that I would want from someone that I never got in this journey, and then offer that. Sometimes it’s hard because I’m blessed with this level of awareness that I get to help bring out in other people, whom which are fighting for exactly what I am working through. So I get to be a persons rock, when I need a rock for myself. And these amazingly strong and beautiful people I support, end up holding me up without even knowing it. They push through and don’t even realize how inspiring they are for doing the very thing that is keeping them surviving. And they don’t see it because they get tore down by everyone else in their path. They get barked demands that are unreasonable and not possible for someone with lots of trauma. I’m just grateful that I have come to… I have seen what living in an alcoholic home has done to myself and my family. I have seen what being raped and molested by a family member does to our behaviors, poor coping and accepting of really crappy people and relationships in our lives. I know firsthand what abandonment, single mom-hood, domestic violence, being low-class or bullied, losing important relationships, being strangled, living with chronic pain, can do to a person. There are so many people walking around refusing to accept the fact that these terrible things have happened to them and then they are treating other people terribly. They are contributing to this awful cycle of abuse and they don’t even realize it. No level of awareness at all. And what’s crazy, is that I used to be one of those people. I used to surround myself with those people. And as soon as I got my head out of my butt, started reaching out and taking better care of myself, everything changed. Now I live this crazy, overwhelmingly fulfilling life. Literally I cry all the time just waiting for the shoe to drop. I cry because I can’t believe something positive it happening for me. I even sometimes feel like a fraud because how could anything good happen to me, when I was one of those negative, crappy people for so many years?! It has taken so much acceptance and trust, for me to push through and allow myself to welcome these new, out of my comfort zone feelings, things and people. I also never want to go back to being that empty, angry, submissive little girl, that was capable of hurting other people. Not after experiencing such amazing things. And though this endeavor that I’m on is challenging and just makes me want to scream sometimes, I will continue to push through and fight for what I know is the right thing for myself, my friends and family, and my community. Spreading hope and helping bring awareness to recovery in its many forms, is what is going to help me and anyone struggling with their own traumas or addiction. We grow when we know we are not alone. Stay tuned followers… the best really has yet to come.