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Small Chapter

3-4 min read

Well, I am three days Post-Op and am doing surprisingly well! Honestly, I feel better than I expected. I even feel better now than I did the first six months after the accident. I am feeling pretty optimistic. I have challenges of course, I just had surgery after all. My hip and leg are sore, tender, and weak, however, the pain I had pre-surgery is almost non-existent. That is really promising! It could be the meds I’m on, or it could be that the surgery was much more successful than I anticipated.  Time will tell. I’ve been able to get on the spin bike to keep my hip moving. I’m supposed to ride it twice a day. I started at two minutes and have to increase my time by one minute every other day. It’s not easy by any means, but it’s totally doable. I’m up to three minutes. This morning was difficult, but I took the queues that my body needed rest and that’s what I did. Here in a week, I’ll start physical therapy. That I think will be the hardest part of all of this for me. It was the hardest part after the accident. I have firsthand knowledge of what it will take, and I am prepared to put in the work. My support has been amazing. My mental health is in a good place. Overall, I am doing really well. The last year has prepared me for this part of my journey. Taking things slow and steady is what is helping me operate at my best. Slow and steady was my theme for 2022, so I got a lot of practice. I must say too, that all the time I spent on crutches after the accident, really helped me prepare for this. I am able to get around pretty good and I’m fully present. I’m slow and my hip/leg doesn’t move well, but I anticipate it won’t take long to get some of my mobility back. I feel truly blessed to have my lived experience and a strong supportive community, that help me through this time in my life. When I think back to the challenges I’ve had to face over the last 14 months since the accident, this seems like a small chapter of that story.

“Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our life as it is. A moment of Radical Acceptance is a moment of genuine freedom.”

– Tara Brach, 2004

To be totally transparent, I expected this part of the journey to include way more tears and more moments of wanting to give up. I definitely wasn’t expecting to feel so good and being able to be as present as I have been. That’s not to say I won’t have my moments, but this is a great start to everything I have coming. I’m grateful to have much of my independence through this. I’ve had to set myself up with assisted devices and ask for a lot of help, so that I could maintain my independence. Especially as a single individual. Anyone going through something like this could attest to the fact that losing one’s independence is a hard part of these types of journey’s. I have so many doohickey’s at home to help me though. From a sock aid, toilet riser, body pillow, grabber, to furniture risers, leg lifter strap and shower chair. It’s the little things that make a huge difference in me being able to maintain good mental health. I think if I didn’t have that type of help, I’d be pretty upset and struggle much more. Of course, there are some things that I just have to accept are on hold and will come in time. That’s okay. I’ve been working on acceptance for some time now. It just gets easier and easier with each opportunity. I’m glad I was able to find the space to give an update. Writing is such a helpful way for me to express myself and to work through what I’m going through. Not to mention the opportunity for reflection. I’ll work to give another update within a week or so, especially to check in when the physical therapy starts. In the meantime, I will focus on my healing and my physical recovery, and in this moment, it’s nap time! Stay tuned everyone. More to come!

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Fear Without Judgement

6-8 min read

With everything going on, I figured giving an update on my medical stuff would help me feel better and give others perspective about what’s going on in my life. This has been many months in the making and it’s been over a year since the car accident. As of this last week, I am officially scheduled to have surgery on my hip in just two short weeks. My Orthopedic Surgeon will be performing Hip Arthroscopy surgery, while also repairing my labral tear. Basically, she is reshaping the femoral head by shaving it down to remove bone that is causing an impingement, and will also be repairing the labrum, so that my joint will sit in the socket properly. Depending on how the surgery goes and what it looks like, there is a chance that they will need to perform micro-drilling as well (where they create little mini fractures to help increase blood flow to stimulate cartilage growth if needed), but I just won’t know until I come out of surgery if it was performed or not. That will depend on the condition of my joint when they get in there; as of now, I do have fluid buildup in my bone marrow, indicating my bone is not getting enough blood flow, which has caused further damage. It definitely hasn’t helped my ability to heal. My recovery is expected to look like 6-8 weeks on crutches. The micro-drilling happening or not will determine if it’ll be 2 or 8 weeks non-weightbearing. Directly after the surgery, they will perform Radiation Therapy on my hip (don’t worry, I won’t feel a thing, it’s low-risk & very effective) to help prevent excessive bone growth and over healing, then I will go home that night. By the time I get home that night, I will get on a spin cycle… twice a day for the duration of my recovery (the goal is to keep it up permanently), gradually increasing my time on the bike. I will also engage in a very strict 18-page Physical Therapy regimen over that timeframe. It’s intensive. It’ll help get me where I need to be though, to hopefully walk unassisted again. That is the hope. There is also a 50% chance that we will need to do the same thing on the other side, but we won’t know until after the full recovery time has passed for this initial surgery. I’ve also been continuously warned that there is damage to my nerves coming out of the base of my spinal cord, however I am already seeing improvement through my meditation and lifestyle changes, which is super positive. I am hopeful that will continue to improve as I grow in my practices and as I heal physically. Oh, how I look forward to doing yoga again! Every part of me needs yoga. I also plan to continue to maintain good self-care and include things like massage, acupuncture, float tanks and other practices, that require being present and mindful. This journey will be far from easy, but I am glad to share that I have been eating a healthy (and delicious) diet, specifically designed to help keep inflammation down, that should be maintainable through this process. I have support to call or video chat with. I have support that will come over. I have support that is willing to help pick up groceries, meal prep with me, pick me up and take me to go bake cookies, people to pray with, support groups I can attend virtually, support that will be there for me in many ways, so that I can be successful. I am also blessed to be able to take the time off work, so that I can focus only on my physical recovery and maintaining good mental health. Though this may be a challenging journey, the view that comes after should be pretty amazing.

There are lots of things that I plan to focus on to help create distance from all the hard work I will be putting in. Things like forgiveness, humility, grace, trust, patience, understanding, and all of those wonderful things that continue to grow in my life. I plan to embrace those things by journaling, puzzling, coloring, crocheting, reading, listening to podcasts, and truly taking care of myself. I plan to be present in my recovery and in this journey. I plan to soak up everything that it offers me, so that I can maximize my growth and healing. There is always much more that happens behind the scenes than people see. My hope is to share my recovery in some way, whether it be through writing or something else. I’m hoping I will be in a good place to share. I do also know the reality is that there will be some haaaaaard moments/days through this that I may not want to share about or be in a place to. Those moments will be best left for my support people who are prepared to lift me up with faith, hope and trust, because that is what I will need. As of now, I am as prepared as I can be. I’ve asked for help where I need it and I have safety set up with my supports. I am really looking forward to how this experience helps grow my relationships and my faith. There are some things I have fear around, however I just keep handing those things over and using my tools to get through. Fear has a funny way of getting us off course, so I just acknowledge the fear and am open with my Higher Power about how I’m feeling. That really helps. I always feel tons lighter when I am open about my fear. Even when it seems ridiculous. Part of the journey of fear is trust. That can be challenging to navigate for someone like me with trust issues. Sure makes me grateful for my program, my community and the foundation I have built. Makes growing through things much less challenging. Being able to reason things out with another person and put fear in words without judgement, shame or someone trying to fix it, makes a big difference in feeling good about being open and honest about fears, that’s for sure. I recognize not everyone is as fortunate as I am. It takes really building those relationships through boundaries, trust, understanding, patience, vulnerability and intention. If it wasn’t for having some solid relationships in my life, this surgery wouldn’t even be possible. This next step in my healing wouldn’t be possible. And I’m sure that there are many folks out there who do not get the same chance I do. I am truly blessed to have this opportunity to grow and heal, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, so I must honor this amazing gift by jumping in with both feet and no fear. And just maybe, my journey might help someone in their journey. The best has yet to come.