It’s easy to sit down to write and come up with nothing. I have typed and deleted so many times, and yet still end up staring at a blank page. It’s at those times that I have to go back to basics and remember why I do this. This blog originally started as a way for me to share pieces of my recovery journey and talk about hard things that otherwise are difficult to share. This is also meant as a connection for others to relate to. I know there are parts of my journey that are dark and elicit heavy feelings of shame. When I speak those things out loud, that shame reduces, and the burden starts to lighten. Even more so when you’re in a safe environment to speak freely without judgment. That’s where the real power of healing comes. There are so many things that I can do for myself to aid my overall well-being. It’s my connection to others that levels me up. How do you get there though? It’s hard to connect to others, especially so when we have personal experience of being let down, getting hurt, being betrayed, and any other way that has deterred us from allowing others in. The thing is, once we are in the right environment with the right people, that changes. It takes a lot of trust and courage, in others and within ourselves. How can I even trust myself when I’ve always steered myself wrong? I no longer trust myself on my own. I trust myself with the help and guidance of those I trust who have my best interest at heart and can see things as I am, not as they perceive them. My Higher Power included. I don’t take action without using my tools and reasoning things out with another person. That helps keep me grounded and out of my stinking thinking. I have a history of anxiety, anger and fear driving my thoughts and behaviors. That’s something I have worked really hard to be aware of and change the way I react to the things in my life, my thoughts included. Of course, I still have days where I am compromised and struggle a little more with the negative thinking than I would on a normal day, but I bounce back way quicker than I did in the past. It helps to have so many people I can call to keep me healthy.
Look, I get it, it’s hard to even consider sharing openly with another person those dark thoughts that I feel ashamed of. I was lucky to find a program that specifically creates safe spaces for people to share the hard things. By sharing, I can heal. I have spoken out loud the very things I thought I would take to the grave with me, and I am a better version of myself because I have the courage to speak shameful things. Even when my voice shakes. Shame cannot survive spoken words when spoken in trust.
I imagine for many that the thought of trust makes your stomach turn or chills run up your spine. A small word, yet with big impact. Trust has been the topic this week for me. I talk about trust often, because it’s an important part of the healing process and I know how hard it is to build, especially so after trust has been broken. I hope you give yourself an opportunity to explore why the word trust shakes your core, and that you find forgiveness along the way.
When I sit down to write, I like to be intentional about what I share out. Part of what I do is create a space to allow myself to be vulnerable. Open up about my feelings. Practice tools I’ve learned. And share my own Experience, Strength, and Hope. Often it comes with me putting words down but then realizing there is more work to be done before I can truly be intentional. It’s quite a process but it seems to work. Sometimes creating the space for me to be vulnerable means that I have to get through the mud to figure out what it is that I’m even feeling. Putting it into words isn’t an easy thing to do. It’s taken me years of practice, and I’m still a human being that gets it wrong. Recently I’ve had a lot going on which has given me lots of opportunities to feel my feelings. So much so, that it’s taking daily intentional work to overcome and teaches me something new about myself everyday. I have been experiencing three intense feelings all at once. I feel insecure. I feel abandoned. I feel unworthy. With one comes the other. Each causing the other to intensify. When I feel insecure, I find more reasons I feel abandoned or unworthy. When I feel unworthy, I start to feel more insecure and abandoned. When I feel abandoned, I feel unworthy and insecure. It’s a vicious cycle that requires a lot of work to stand up to. I’m blessed to have many tools and support that allow me to move through these feelings, rather than live in them. Currently, I’m in the midst of turning these negative feelings of insecurity, abandonment, and unworthiness, to faith, hope, and trust. To do that, I have to let go. Let go of the idea that I have any control at all. Let go of expectations I might have. Let go of any fantasies. Let go of my ego. Let go of my pride, guilt, and shame. Let go and hand it over. Whatever “it” is. But what does the act of letting go even look or feel like?
“Trust opens up new and unimagined possibilities.”
– Robert C Solomon
A friend of mine described it to me like this… “It’s like dropping a pencil. You just let the pencil go and everything is fine.”. I really appreciated her approach. We talked about what it means if that pencil represents something else such as anger, resentment, or something that’s bothering you. It was a great conversation. I always appreciate a program conversation in the wild. It inspired me to take some time to practice letting go further. Here’s what I learned. When the pencil was a pencil, it was easy to let go. My fingers would release, and the pencil would safely land. I did this over and over again, just to make sure I had the hang of it. Now, when the pencil represented sadness, I couldn’t let the pencil go. Immediately I thought to myself that means I would have to practice acceptance. When the pencil represented anger, I couldn’t let the pencil go. Immediately I thought to myself that means I would need to practice forgiveness. When the pencil represented my insecurities, I couldn’t let the pencil go. I’d need to practice trust. When the pencil represented my feelings of abandonment, I couldn’t let the pencil go. I knew I needed to practice faith. When the pencil represented unworthiness, I couldn’t let the pencil go. I knew what I needed to practice… I thought it was silly. I decided to practice anyways. Hope. I hoped that I could find a way to let go of feeling unworthy. I just sat there hoping at this pencil that I would find the will to just open my fingers and let it drop. And after repeating my hope to this pencil about five times, the pencil dropped from my fingers! It felt like a total accident. Honestly, I was blown away that the pencil dropped out of my fingers, and hope was exactly what was achieved. I became hopeful that I could let go of these feelings of sadness, anger, insecurities, abandonment, unworthiness, by practicing what I’ve learned. What a great example. The fact is it doesn’t come naturally to practice acceptance, forgiveness, trust, faith, and hope. It takes hard, intentional work. Every time I feel sadness, I have to practice acceptance. Every time I feel anger, I have to practice forgiveness. Every time I feel insecure, I have to practice trust. You get the picture. It is up to me to put in the work to come out of the negative feelings on the other side. Part of moving through the healing process is to embrace the feelings and try to understand what it is that they are telling you. Consider the feeling an opportunity to learn something new about yourself. When I picked up the pencil again, this time I chose acceptance instead of sadness, and I was able to let the pencil go. Forgiveness instead of anger, I let the pencil go. Trust instead of insecurities, I let the pencil go. And so forth. Letting go takes practice. Lots and lots of practice. Maybe next time you can’t figure out how to let something go, grab a pencil. See what it’s trying to tell you. Practice letting go of the pencil while it’s a pencil and once you’ve got the hang of it, let the pencil represent whatever “it” is that you are going through and try to learn what it’s telling you. What a fun experiment that was. Letting go keeps me healthy. I often hand things over to my Higher Power; I find that helpful. When I care about the outcome of something, the more I try to hang onto it, the more of a mess I seem to make. I’ve come to find that by letting go, I create the space for something better, beyond what I could even imagine. When I first started practicing letting go, I started with trust. Trust in myself. Trust in others. Trust in my Higher Power. Just as hard as it was to let the pencil go when it represented my insecurities, it was just as hard when the pencil represented trust. It was, however, much easier to get to the letting go part when the pencil represented trust. A lesson learned from the pencil. It takes less energy, to focus on trust. So, for now, I’m just a girl with her #2 pencil, practicing acceptance, forgiveness, faith, hope, and trust, until I come out on the other side.
With everything going on, I figured giving an update on my medical stuff would help me feel better and give others perspective about what’s going on in my life. This has been many months in the making and it’s been over a year since the car accident. As of this last week, I am officially scheduled to have surgery on my hip in just two short weeks. My Orthopedic Surgeon will be performing Hip Arthroscopy surgery, while also repairing my labral tear. Basically, she is reshaping the femoral head by shaving it down to remove bone that is causing an impingement, and will also be repairing the labrum, so that my joint will sit in the socket properly. Depending on how the surgery goes and what it looks like, there is a chance that they will need to perform micro-drilling as well (where they create little mini fractures to help increase blood flow to stimulate cartilage growth if needed), but I just won’t know until I come out of surgery if it was performed or not. That will depend on the condition of my joint when they get in there; as of now, I do have fluid buildup in my bone marrow, indicating my bone is not getting enough blood flow, which has caused further damage. It definitely hasn’t helped my ability to heal. My recovery is expected to look like 6-8 weeks on crutches. The micro-drilling happening or not will determine if it’ll be 2 or 8 weeks non-weightbearing. Directly after the surgery, they will perform Radiation Therapy on my hip (don’t worry, I won’t feel a thing, it’s low-risk & very effective) to help prevent excessive bone growth and over healing, then I will go home that night. By the time I get home that night, I will get on a spin cycle… twice a day for the duration of my recovery (the goal is to keep it up permanently), gradually increasing my time on the bike. I will also engage in a very strict 18-page Physical Therapy regimen over that timeframe. It’s intensive. It’ll help get me where I need to be though, to hopefully walk unassisted again. That is the hope. There is also a 50% chance that we will need to do the same thing on the other side, but we won’t know until after the full recovery time has passed for this initial surgery. I’ve also been continuously warned that there is damage to my nerves coming out of the base of my spinal cord, however I am already seeing improvement through my meditation and lifestyle changes, which is super positive. I am hopeful that will continue to improve as I grow in my practices and as I heal physically. Oh, how I look forward to doing yoga again! Every part of me needs yoga. I also plan to continue to maintain good self-care and include things like massage, acupuncture, float tanks and other practices, that require being present and mindful. This journey will be far from easy, but I am glad to share that I have been eating a healthy (and delicious) diet, specifically designed to help keep inflammation down, that should be maintainable through this process. I have support to call or video chat with. I have support that will come over. I have support that is willing to help pick up groceries, meal prep with me, pick me up and take me to go bake cookies, people to pray with, support groups I can attend virtually, support that will be there for me in many ways, so that I can be successful. I am also blessed to be able to take the time off work, so that I can focus only on my physical recovery and maintaining good mental health. Though this may be a challenging journey, the view that comes after should be pretty amazing.
There are lots of things that I plan to focus on to help create distance from all the hard work I will be putting in. Things like forgiveness, humility, grace, trust, patience, understanding, and all of those wonderful things that continue to grow in my life. I plan to embrace those things by journaling, puzzling, coloring, crocheting, reading, listening to podcasts, and truly taking care of myself. I plan to be present in my recovery and in this journey. I plan to soak up everything that it offers me, so that I can maximize my growth and healing. There is always much more that happens behind the scenes than people see. My hope is to share my recovery in some way, whether it be through writing or something else. I’m hoping I will be in a good place to share. I do also know the reality is that there will be some haaaaaard moments/days through this that I may not want to share about or be in a place to. Those moments will be best left for my support people who are prepared to lift me up with faith, hope and trust, because that is what I will need. As of now, I am as prepared as I can be. I’ve asked for help where I need it and I have safety set up with my supports. I am really looking forward to how this experience helps grow my relationships and my faith. There are some things I have fear around, however I just keep handing those things over and using my tools to get through. Fear has a funny way of getting us off course, so I just acknowledge the fear and am open with my Higher Power about how I’m feeling. That really helps. I always feel tons lighter when I am open about my fear. Even when it seems ridiculous. Part of the journey of fear is trust. That can be challenging to navigate for someone like me with trust issues. Sure makes me grateful for my program, my community and the foundation I have built. Makes growing through things much less challenging. Being able to reason things out with another person and put fear in words without judgement, shame or someone trying to fix it, makes a big difference in feeling good about being open and honest about fears, that’s for sure. I recognize not everyone is as fortunate as I am. It takes really building those relationships through boundaries, trust, understanding, patience, vulnerability and intention. If it wasn’t for having some solid relationships in my life, this surgery wouldn’t even be possible. This next step in my healing wouldn’t be possible. And I’m sure that there are many folks out there who do not get the same chance I do. I am truly blessed to have this opportunity to grow and heal, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, so I must honor this amazing gift by jumping in with both feet and no fear. And just maybe, my journey might help someone in their journey. The best has yet to come.
It’s been a couple months since I wrote. Creating the space to sit down and write (with intention), has proven to be challenging. Between the new job, the recent move, the holidays, and my physical health, I have not had much else to give. Everything I do have goes to taking care of mine and my son’s well-being. That is the most important thing. As you can probably imagine with everything, it takes a lot of hard work. It’s important to me that he sees me being a healthy individual who works hard to behave in healthy ways so that he can learn how to do the same. And he is learning. It melts my heart when I see him growing too. The fact is, he learns based on what he sees, not what I say. The complete opposite as I was raised. I was always told “Do as I say, not as I do.”. Many of us have probably heard some version of this. I’m guilty of having said it in the past, I’m sure. The reality is though, that we learn what we see in action. Once I realized that, it changed the way I behaved and saw the world. I grew up knowing all the things I saw around me, and that’s how I ended up behaving. It took me breaking the cycle and unlearning what I knew, to learn new ways of being.
“Intention is one with cause and effect. Intention determines outcome. And if you’re stuck and not moving forward, you have to check the thought and the action that created the circumstance.”
– Oprah Winfrey
I am filled with much gratitude that I was delivered awareness and given an opportunity to do different. I took that chance and haven’t turned back since. Growing the way I have, I now vibrate at a different frequency. I know others can feel it too. The process hasn’t been easy; quite frankly, it’s uncomfortable in a lot of ways. I’ve even lost relationships. I’ve had to grieve those relationships because I realize that we may never vibrate at the same frequency if there is no awareness or acceptance. We can’t grow if we do not practice the three A’s: Awareness. Acceptance. Action. And I cannot lower my vibration to match another’s. That would be unhealthy. I can, however, continue to lead by example and put in the work to grow as an individual; this could give others the chance to vibrate at my frequency. The process of healing and growing is not something that happens overnight. It takes time. And truly is a lifelong journey. To start, one must wake up (with intention) and put in the work to do better, while purposefully seeking understanding of what drives our behaviors and actually working on those things (with intention). We must also set aside time to take care of ourselves; that is where we find the solutions to our problems. If we can be mindful and truly take care of our own needs, we create ourselves the space to see the whole picture. Space is grace. Giving ourselves grace is a different perspective for those of us who have grown up with the mindset that taking care of oneself is selfish. It is not selfish. It is absolutely necessary. So, give yourself grace and practice self-care (with intention).
By now I’m sure you can see there is a theme for today’s post. It will actually be my word of the upcoming year. INTENTION. But what does intention mean?
Oxford Languages has two definitions for intention:
1. (noun) A thing intended; an aim or plan.
2. (Medicine definition) the healing process of a wound.
Interesting definitions. I had no idea how perfect this word really would be for my year coming up, but that second definition really says it all. It makes me proud that I am on the right track and would use something as simple as intention, as my way to heal through things that need healing. Because that’s what I intend to do. I intend to practice forgiveness; I intend to offer myself and others grace; I intend to reflect on what drives my behaviors & feelings; I intend to improve my physical health; I intend to ask for what I need; I intend to listen with an open mind and heart; I intend to be a voice for those who do not have a voice of their own; I intend to be mindful in all areas of my life; I intend to take care of myself every day; I intend to enjoy the little things; I intend to be a present parent; I intend to get out of my comfort zone; I intend to set boundaries; I intend to stand up for myself; I intend to behave kindly; I intend to give back to my community. The list goes on… the idea is that I intend to behave in all of the positive ways that I have learned how. I have had years of practicing these things, and I intend to make them all a normal part of my daily habits from now until forever. Intention is an attitude. Intention is action. Intention is how we grow and heal through those parts of us that are broken. Intention is how we help future generations be healthy and thrive. So, for me, this is a way of life, which helps me vibrate at a frequency I am proud of. My hope for those of you reading this and those who I care for, is that you too vibrate at a frequency that you’re proud of. And if you aren’t there yet, give yourself grace. Just know that if you practice Awareness, Acceptance and Action (with intention of course), you’ll get there. And until then, lean on your supportive community and honor what you are going through. The best has yet to come.
I’ve probably started and erased this blog post more than 30 times in the last few weeks. It’s been hard finding the space to really be vulnerable and share anything of value. I’ve had to get real with myself. It hasn’t been easy. These last few weeks I continue to block myself from pushing forward in my writing because I get too overwhelmed with emotion, and I just don’t have the mental capacity to add anything to what I’m already going through. My eye is literally twitching uncontrollably because I am giving more than I have to offer as it is. My life is already at the bare, bare minimum of what I can carry right now. So, I’ve been working hard to hand things over. I’ve had lots of opportunities to practice, which I am grateful for. The thing is, it’s getting harder and harder to be honest about how I’m feeling without crying… I know it will make people even more uncomfortable than they already are around me. And I’ve been so worried about how I’m going to make other people feel, when this isn’t even about them, it’s about me. It’s about what I’m going through and using my tools to heal through things in positive ways. Writing is a tool I use to express myself. It just is requiring much self-care ahead of time, to truly find the courage to write publicly right now. I’ve been prepping for a couple days now to write this post. And I’ll tell ya, I worked hard at taking care of myself, being vulnerable with people about what I’m going through, and having lots of conversations with my Higher Power. Funny too because if I’m not specific about my needs, my Higher Power has a really great sense of humor, and he will absolutely get my attention. Which he has… often. Now here I am, because my Higher Power told me this is exactly what I should be doing in this moment to take care of myself, and it’s the thing that my heart is drawing me to. I know that has a lot to do with how much lighter I will feel when I finally let things out, and it’s an easier platform to be open about what I’m going through, without worry of shame or judgment. Now, where to begin…
Let me just start with the one thing that I am struggling with the most… my physical health. It’s a couple of things really. One, being in pain all day every day, is hard. Two, recently my doctor told me that the odds of success if they operate on my hip, is less than half. I think she was being generous with her words. She told me that she wants me to prepare for this being a permanent disability. That’s a lot to take in. For the last few months, I’ve been working hard on forgiveness towards my medical care team, and I’ve finally been heard by my primary after all this time. The quality of care that I received at my last visit, really made a difference in how I received that information. It was the first time I had seen my doctor have compassion. We are now working on trying to figure out how to find balance, without the use of narcotics. I do have a consult with an Orthopedic Surgeon on Halloween to have more scans done and go over any options I might have. The thing is, that any surgery to repair my hip won’t help a spinal cord injury, which they continue to suspect. And I do too. Hopefully I’ll have an update to share after the consult. It’s hard not to carry resentment about the fact that they likely neglected to diagnose me correctly, which caused permanent damage, making it nearly impossible for me to walk unassisted without lots of pain, if at all. I miss walking. I miss activities. I miss candle making. I miss feeling functional. I miss so many things. I know that I will get some of these things back. It will just take time and continuing to find balance. This whole process has been a grieving process. Every day, I grieve. And since I’ve learned to honor grief and truly embrace what it has to offer, I honor each opportunity. That’s how I know I will get the most out of the experience. There is an art to grieving, and it’s a journey to figure out how to navigate it. What I do know, is that gratitude is an important part of grief. There was this grief opportunity I was presented with, and I ended up with so much forgiveness and gratitude in the end, it’s hard to believe that it was even grief. Hard to believe, isn’t it? It’s totally true though. I worked on forgiveness and gratitude every single day, and that’s what I got. I needed that lesson. Since grief is a journey, it continuously comes up for me, and every time, I am filled with forgiveness and gratitude, because that is what I seek. I welcome the feelings in, embrace them, then let them leave. I don’t live in them, not anymore. I honor them and politely ask them to go. You see, grief, has a way of making itself at home in us. That’s when the most damage is done, without us even knowing it. By honoring the feelings and letting them go, we are creating a safe space to process grief and practicing tools that help us heal and grow. And the good thing is, that no one is ever in it alone. There is a world of people out there waiting to help someone in their journey… grief included. I am blessed to be surrounded by a very supportive community who uplifts me and keeps me growing in positive ways. Everyone is deserving of that.
Another thing that has been hard, is raising a teenager with mental health challenges. I feel so helpless these last few weeks… months… year really. All I can do, is to continue to show up for him. Continue to work hard at being my healthiest self, so that I can help him navigate what he is going through. I can only imagine how hard all of this has been for him. Our worlds got turned around and we have been pushed to limits, we didn’t even know we had. That kid carries way more than he should. And he isn’t willing to lighten the load knowing I am physically hurting. So, I just do anything and everything I can, to help him through this and make sure that he is doing stuff for himself, keeping himself healthy. We continue to work to find balance every day. This requires that I remain a present parent. And there are just some days, that I am barely capable of doing that… so it takes all I have, and everything else gets put on hold. Balance is a difficult thing to find in chaos. And let me tell you, the more you put on hold, the more there is to pick up when the time comes. I just have to offer myself lots of grace and trust that by taking things One Step At A Time, I’m doing the right thing for me to get through this. Sometimes that’s not an easy thing to trust… because on the outside I am holding back tears, and on the inside, I am screaming and pleading “how am I going to get through this?!”. Other times the tears come uncontrollably with no way to organize my thoughts. Then there are days like now, where I’ve had to let go of so much, my eye is literally twitching, for weeks now. No amount of self-care is helping with everything going on. I know I am on the verge of a transformation; I can feel it. There was even a dragonfly in front of me while I drove down the driveway recently. He just hovered there, and the word transformation came to mind. It would make sense. It feels like a lot of work though. I don’t know how I would be able to handle a transformation, while also balancing physical health, parenting, work, and all the things, but I guess bring it on since my Higher Power seems to believe I can handle it. That’s so much stuff, in this moment, I just don’t think I have it in me. As it is already, anything that feels like too much, just makes me sleep. I get exhausted from any amount of added stress, then I just don’t function well. I will literally just fall asleep. And truth be told, I am no longer capable of what I once was. It seems like every time I get something figured out, another thing comes. It’s been a revolving door of stuff to carry. When things get too heavy, in comes grief again. Oh, and did I mention that grief doesn’t always mean that someone died… grief can be very complex. It can be relationships, trauma, the loss of support. Grief is an overwhelming sadness and a series of goodbyes. That’s why it’s not healthy to let grief be at home with us. Being exposed to chronic grief, will affect who you are as a person, and not in a positive way. It’s so important for us to take care of ourselves, and truly understand what emotion is driving our behaviors. Welcoming grief to visit, can be a good way to get perspective… just don’t let it live there. Instead, try to practice finding gratitude in the grief when the visit is over. Gratitude really is a key. Prayer helps too.
“Gratitude is the gift of sight in the darkest times.”
– Unknown
I feel slightly better now that I’ve been able to share some. I’m a little nervous about hitting the publish button though. This is just such a small snippet of what I am going through. I feel like I haven’t even touched the surface. If I shared everything, you would wonder how it is that I have any serenity in my life. Serenity is not something that is easy to find and maintain… it’s taken years of being in active recovery, with intention, for me to have tools and support that help carry me through the hardships. And right now, these are some big hardships. Don’t mistake my hardships for misery though. The number of positive things that happen in my life is overwhelming to even put in words. Most of the time I just cry from gratitude. I have so much gratitude for everything, even in the grief, I find ways to heal through and gain tools to help me in future endeavors. The thing is, we are so often consumed by the grief we carry with us, that people are so disconnected. Connection is what we need. Connection is what helps people get better. Get uncomfortable. Be vulnerable. Build relationships. Get to know who you are at your core. Ask for help. Slow down and really take your time doing anything at all (that’s a great way to practice). Think about your choices. These are all actionable steps we can take, that will help us make connections, heal, and grow. Not overnight, so patience and grace are equally important components that have to make regular appearances into our lives. Honestly, it’s all a lot of hard work, and I’m not going to sugar coat it for you, you will want to give up often. You will fight with yourself all the time, wondering if it’s really worth the effort. And then one day, you just hit a point where you couldn’t imagine life any other way. You look around you and are surrounded by love and understanding. More of those things that we are all deserving of.
On a final note, I am happy to report that as of today secure housing has been found for my family. In just two short weeks, we will be moving into our new temporary home. A step in the right direction. We will be safe, in actual beds in bedrooms with doors. We will be able to rest and stabilize for our next part of this journey. I will be able to recover physically, no matter what that looks like. I am looking forward to sleeping in a bed and being able to walk around with my cane, rather than hanging on to everything in this trailer just to get from one end to the other. Ooh, and floor space for yoga! All of me needs yoga in my life… my physical self, my intellectual self, my emotional self, and my spiritual self. For the last year, my life has been chronically unmanageable. I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. This has been quite the journey. I can’t deny the fact that I am nervous and scared about what is going to happen, but I am also hopeful and excited. I know that no matter what happens, I will be provided for because my Higher Power and my supportive community, are always there for me. Okay one more thing, I am also happy to share that it came to me what I will be doing next with this business. Since I will not be able to make candles and do business as I had previously envisioned, I will be bringing it new life. And the funny thing is, it will be even better than I could have imagined before. It’s just going to take a while before I can get my bearings. Hopefully by this time next year, I will have a solid plan and ready to share with all of you. I think a year is plenty of time. Candle making for me is such a self-care, meditative practice at this point, and I am missing being able to get myself so easily into that type of head space. My self-care needs are not being met. It’s much more challenging these days. I have always used my candle making to express my emotions and work through my healing, by pouring my emotions into something beautiful. It even continues to help the healing process as the candle burns, it’s pretty cool. My hope is that writing can take its place for now. Just as a tool while I am healing. Once we move, it’ll be easier to find the time and space, because I’ll have access to internet again and a private space to write in. Soon I will find balance, I am sure of it. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.
Just as the title reads, this is the Season of Change. At the start of every new year, many people create resolutions and are working hard to stay on track to be successful. What many might not understand, is that change takes time. Often this is why people get discouraged and go back to their old habits. We put expectations on ourselves and when we fail, we will beat ourselves up or even give up completely. The fact of the matter is, it takes us a long time to learn our behaviors. Wouldn’t you think it holds true that it would take just as long (if not longer), to overcome them? Over the years I was one of those that just often set goals and would get frustrated when I didn’t succeed right away or had setbacks. Now after lots of practice and many tools, I am able to recognize that slow and steady wins the race. I work hard every day at being patient with myself so that I don’t fall back into my old habits and that negative self-talk does not take over. It’s a journey. And honestly, it’s easy to get discouraged or drift away from our goals when all the things in life are happening. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. It’s just hard because often we don’t even realize it’s happening until we are in deep and at our breaking point.
Some may warn us but denial is so often our first instinct because then we would have to admit we are sinking. It takes making a conscious decision to take one’s own inventory on a regular basis, in order to make sure we are not creeping back to where we were. It’s hard work, but thankfully I have gained the right support and tools to help me work through it all and grow from everything I learn. There was a day that I would have just continued on in my complaining or negativity, rather than finding gratitude and forgiveness in all things. But now, I find gratitude for my experiences and forgiveness for not knowing any better.
Forgiveness has been topic of conversation the last week or so, which I am thankful for because it is always a good reminder. Growing up, forgiveness is not something that we practiced. Naturally that followed me through adulthood. It was a foreign concept to me when I started my recovery. And it took me years to unpack what forgiveness really means. There were many situations in my life that I look back on, that I realize would have been much different had I known forgiveness then. So instead I practice it now, even for myself, for not knowing any better. Plus now, when I am hurt or angry, I work hard to process my feelings, let things go and practice forgiveness everyday, for others and myself. It’s not about what someone might have done or how they hurt me. This is about freeing up the space in my mind and heart to welcome more positive things. I no longer feel the need to defend myself or try to be heard. Instead I let others make their choices, and then I just practice forgiveness and set healthy boundaries. Which is also such a great way for me to maintain relationships with people I care about. Besides, we are all only human beings, doing what we know in that moment. If we want to help them do different, we should do different. Lead by example, and practice those values in all our affairs. And you know what… no matter what happens, when I practice forgiveness, I win every time.
“Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness.”
Gerald Jampolsky
Since forgiveness has been playing such a big role in my life, I have the opportunity for all of these amazing positive things now! Even when life happens. Even when someone intentionally hurts me. Even when I have every right to be angry. And yes, even when I don’t follow through on this years resolution. Instead, I get to walk into 2022 knowing that this is the Season of Change, because whatever happens, I have all the tools and support that I need to continue my journey as a healthy individual and conquer it all with grace. Because I will show up to put in the hard work. Every. Single. Day.
It’s been a while since I wrote. I’ve been going through a lot. I honestly don’t even know where to begin to share really, but the reality is, I have to just start putting my fingers to the keyboard and let things flow. Part of my mission is to be vulnerable and share my journey, in hopes to help other people and to support this mission of change. By sharing my recovery story, I hope to help educate and give people understanding about how our untreated trauma can affect all areas of our lives without even realizing it’s happening. The goal is to keep up on at least one blog post a week, a few short Facebook posts, and maybe some Instagram or TikTok… I haven’t decided yet. But maybe me putting it out there will help keep me accountable, we’ll see. I’m confident that it will all come together in time.
Anyways, so here’s the deal, I am officially capped out. I have nothing left to give. I am making a conscious decision to Keep It Simple… for now. By focusing on me, my recovery and this project, I will heal and get better, so that I am better able to be there for others the way I am meant to be. The thing is, with all the things I am going through, and some most recent happenings, if I don’t slow down, I may relapse. I feel the urge to go back to my old coping habits of anger and destruction. No, thank you. I would much rather choose a healthier path, so instead I am focusing on Gratitude, Trust, Vulnerability and Forgiveness. Four very important virtues that I am still trying to figure out. Part of my journey is to understand and actively practice them in all aspects of my life. In doing so, I will be a healthier version of me. It makes sense though, that anger and destruction are where I want to go back to… it’s what I have known all my life. Growing up in an alcoholic home came with a lot of poor coping habits of not handling our emotions in healthy ways… and we definitely didn’t talk about our feelings. There was no positive communication or addressing conflict in healthy ways. It didn’t exist. To no fault of anyone. They are just not skills any of us ever had. It’s something now that I work hard at every day to change in positive ways. Through the work in my program, I have found new ways of expressing myself. I write a lot about that piece of my journey in my earlier posts. I would encourage all of my readers to check out my other posts over the years. It’ll give you some perspective into who I am on a deeper level and you’re likely to find some helpful tools. Perspective is where I really started to open up.
Throughout my time in recovery, I have been working extra hard to overcome (and grow) from the affects of alcoholism in the home and relationships, domestic violence, childhood sexual abuse, work traumas, mental health issues, chronic pain, single-momhood, and so much more. Those top three things are what has really driven my behaviors for so many years, causing the highest level of trauma. Now that I’m in recovery, all I have ever known has changed. It’s all new, uncomfortable and yet feels good. Proof that we do recover. Which is funny because most people hear recovery, and they think recovery from drugs and alcohol. No one ever thinks about the fact that a person has to recover from years of childhood sexual abuse by a family member and the many years of poor coping that follows. And that’s because it goes untalked about and is misunderstood. Just like alcoholism in the home… the family disease that no one ever talks about. Just like domestic violence… it goes untalked about, unreported. Imagine having multiple of these things piling up over years and years, and how damaging it can be to someone’s self-worth, never actually working through it in healthy ways. Yeah, pretty bad right? That’s where I’ve been… until the last few years anyways. Back in January things were getting pretty heavy for me… and dark. Scary dark. I started having really unpleasant, suicidal thoughts. It was a pretty scary time, and honestly sometimes still can be. It’s a work in progress. At least now I know how to pick up the phone and reach out when I start making my way down the dark rabbit hole that does me no good to visit. I used to live there. I am so grateful I made a decision to get better. It’s been quite the journey. But for the first time in all my years of living in trauma, I now no longer go straight to not feeling good enough or feeling unworthy. At least now I give myself space to use the tools I’ve learned and really heal. It’s taken a lot of practice and hard work to get to a place I am able to do that first and foremost… now it is just second nature. It was so much harder to do when I was stuck feeling like I wasn’t enough. For too long I let my self-worth be measured by others. It makes sense though given the fact that safety was taken away from me when I was just a young girl, I grew up in a home where my voice did not matter, I was constantly told that I would never amount to anything, and throughout my lifetime I have been treated/assaulted in ways that made me feel completely insignificant. And when a person is low enough, they accept unacceptable behaviors, making them feel even worse over and over again. Oh the things that will be discussed in time. For now I will focus on why I am sharing all this with you today… Moving forward, I will be sharing details about things I have worked through in my recovery, which can be quite triggering for some, and healing for others. Throughout the year I have worked hard to cope through clusters of my trauma in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing) Therapy; it’s basically a fast track, reframing the trauma and mindset, to more positive thinking/self-talk, reducing the need for many years of talk therapy. So far I have worked through my long-term childhood sexual abuse by a family member, a prior relationship with an alcoholic, and a DV event where I was strangled. Those were all pretty intense traumas that I worked hard to stuff down for a lot of years because I didn’t have the skill to work through them in healthy ways. I did the best I could. I had slowly accepted those things happened to me and that I was getting better, but through the EMDR therapy, I have come out so much stronger and with a much higher level of awareness and growth in healthy ways. It’s a blessing really. I know I am getting better because those are things I am able to talk about now. Maybe not always with ease, but I can do it without the pain they once caused me. I still have quite a bit to work through, and I’ll share along the way if I am feeling up to it. As of a few weeks ago, I switched over to regular talk therapy while I work to navigate a recent traumatic event that caused a pretty significant trigger, which as you can probably imagine, has me at a place that I have no choice but to take care of me before I have a complete breakdown. Triggers are funny like that. While I’m trying to work through feeling my feelings with the traumatic event, it’s causing me more awareness in areas I was not expecting to have to face like this from another event that surfaced and intensifies what I’m going through. And there’s no going back now. I am going to embrace this opportunity for growth, but it is really, really uncomfortable. Which means I have to take extra good care of myself, so that I don’t fall back into that negative self-talk of “I am not good enough” or “I am unworthy”… “I am unlovable”… “I am pathetic”… the list goes on and on. Being there mentally is exhausting. Battling that negative self-talk, also exhausting. It gets even worse when unhealthy, toxic people try to project their negative stuff onto you, which they do because they are uncomfortable within themselves. However, my history of being a people pleaser who likes to carry everyone’s burdens, is a recipe for disaster for those types. I always lose. I sure am glad that I know more about boundaries and detachment now. I am blessed to have my lived experience and extensive toolbox, as they help me be the person I am today.
Thankfully I have great support and I have spent the last couple of weeks setting myself up with the right support people for what I need right now, and I am going to face what I am going through head-on. I sure am proud of my strength. Even when I want to give up, run away, or worse crosses my mind, I put one foot in front of the other and take One Step at a Time. I continue to show up… maybe not with bells on, but I show up and give all I’ve got. We are all survivors. We all only know what we know. It’s important to always be kind to ourselves. Give yourself space to understand who you are as a person. Making a decision to do better is where our power lives. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.
