Tag: community

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Life As I Know It

6-7 min read

Over the last couple of months, I have finally had the capacity to do some reflection on everything that has occurred over the last two years. I have been taking much needed time to heal and recover Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally, and Spiritually. What a journey it’s been. It’s brought up many feelings and lots of questions. Some of the things that stand out to me are pain, sadness, grief, resilience, forgiveness, serenity, gratitude, and joy. I don’t think I’ll be able to put it into words in a way that can give it justice. What I can do, is share with you pieces of the journey that might offer some clarity. The thing that comes to mind first is to share my most recent doctor’s appointment and some of the challenges I’m still having. Before even going into the doctor’s office, I pretty much begged the doctor’s medical team to have the doctor review my medical history before meeting with me, with the emphasis that I want to rebuild trust to continue my care. My anxiety about that appointment was through the roof, but my therapist had assigned this task as homework for me to do before our next session and I knew it needed to be done. I had reservations though. I didn’t want to be treated the way I had in the past. I wanted them to take my request seriously. I just wanted an opportunity to further my healing. I didn’t want to go in there with my dukes up, but my lived experience through this accident stuff had me not trusting anyone in the primary care department. For a week leading up to the appointment, I was a mess every time it came to mind. I had to continuously use my tools, reason things out with my closest support people, and stay in contact with my Higher Power. By the time the morning came, my nerves were wrecked! I pushed through anyways and rehearsed the Serenity Prayer many times leading up to me standing in front of their building. I took a deep breath and made my way in. Somehow, I stayed fully present through the check-in process and walked step by step to the second floor. I sat there for a moment unable to read or concentrate like I was used to in the past. This time I anxiously got up and paced between entry ways not knowing which direction they would be coming out from, until I settled in a spot that gave me a full view where no one could surprise me. Repeating the Serenity Prayer some more and focusing on my breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. Doing my best to keep my heart rate down. They finally called me back to the exam room, and somehow, through this I still managed to be present with each foot forward. They got my weight and vitals, then I sat down. I remember the gal helping me from prior interactions, she always gave me the vibe that she genuinely cares about what she does so I found myself uncontrollably blurting out “I don’t want to be here”. She responded with compassion and asked me questions, so I went on to explain to her some of my experiences that led to the outburst, and she reassured me, gave me helpful advice, and offered me empathy. I appreciated her response to my reaction. She finally left and told me the doctor would be in shortly. I honestly don’t recall how long it took, but it seemed like he was there pretty quickly. I never did see his face since he had a mask on, but I know in my heart that I will always remember him as the person who saw me. And I mean really saw me. He started with an introduction and pleasantries, and quickly announced that he reviewed my chart and then asked me for a picture of what’s going on. I went on to explain to him the surgical history, the important details about the accident, and my physical symptoms (I don’t need to share more about those), that he needed to know to feel good about processing my request for pelvic floor therapy.

“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.”

– Oprah Winfrey

This doctor was great and truly handled my care with dignity and respect. He saw me as a person and honored everything I have been through since my accident. He validated my anxiety and unease about being in that clinic and told me that I have every right to feel the way I do, and that my PTSD is very real. He verbalized how proud of me he was for getting myself off all the medications and he cleared my med list without pushing more meds on me. I don’t manage my symptoms with narcotics or muscle relaxers anymore; I use a wide array of alternative methods that do not compromise my personality or ability to be present. The list of things I do to help myself to stay healthy is extensive. He asked me some questions to see how much of my daily functioning has been impacted, and he encouraged me to put full effort into the pelvic floor therapy in hopes that I will see improvements. He shared with me the type of practices that may be offered and even shared a personal story of a loved one that regained function after participating in those practices. I felt reassured and hopeful. Then we got into how much of my cognitive functioning has been affected. I shared with him that my therapist was concerned about a TBI. He asked if I hit my head, I said “no”. Then he asked me to share some of the symptoms that lead to that concern. I went on to explain to him that relationships have changed, I don’t recognize familiar people, I forget names and events, I struggle with decision-making and problem solving, words are often hard to find, difficulty expressing thoughts or understanding others, unable to process information, getting overwhelmed easily, forgetting where I am, memory loss, unable to collect thoughts when too much is happening around me, just to name a few. He let me know that the amount of nerve damage I’ve experienced has affected my cognitive functioning and that he cannot guarantee I will get it back but encouraged me to keep doing what I’m doing. I found his approach to me very kind and felt that he met me where I was at by getting on my level. He took the time to understand me instead of just pushing his own will on me or treating me as less than. I am so grateful that I walked into that clinic with courage, and that I asked for what I needed. He helped me regain some hope and trust. Both medical staff I met with gave me the tools I need to get my complex needs met; a much better interaction than I have had in the past.

My journey of recovery and rehabilitation is a work in progress. I continue to find ways to adjust and improve my overall well-being. I find joy more often, that’s good. I have my good days and bad days, and just as I’ve said before, even my bad days mean something. I am blessed that I can walk without assistance. I have a whole community of people standing with me, that I am beyond grateful for. Life as I know it will never be the same, but it is a life worth living after all.

Amber T

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Back to Basics

5-6 min read

The last week has been the hardest since the surgery. I was beyond irritable, snapping at everything, and the anger was just building up. I knew something wasn’t right. I made the decision to take myself off of my pain meds. It was necessary. As soon as I was able to be more clear headed, I was hit with waves of grief. I spent two days in bed, trying to feel my feelings. There were lots of tears, and honestly, I’m still working through it all. It always amazes me how grief likes to sneak up when we are at our most vulnerable. Grief is something that I have come to embrace and process in healthy ways. It looks much different now in my life than it did for all the years before my recovery. It was so uncomfortable at first, I wanted nothing to do with it. It was scary, stressful, painful, sad. All things I didn’t want to feel. Nor did I have the tools or support to grieve in any healthy way. After knowing how to shove it down for so many years, being healthy about it was not something I knew anything about. I sure came to learn though how not grieving showed up in my life… through anger, irritability, depression, fear, overthinking, obsession, poor coping. I could go on. What matters now is that I have all the tools and support to help me identify when I’m not doing well and how to move through grief in ways that don’t affect my life in negative ways any longer. Learning about the different stages of grief was a big part of the process of learning to cope in a positive manner. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. And each of those stages has unique ways of working through them. Even after all these years, I still move through the stages of grief of things I thought I’d accepted, and I have to work through the process all over again. You see, grief is overwhelming sadness and a series of goodbyes. It comes in waves. Just when you think that you moved through something, there is a chance of being re-triggered and having to start the process all over again. As long as you are aware enough to come out of denial, you will be able to move through the next stages that much easier. And it truly does get easier each time. The recent days I was feeling irritable, I knew that I was feeling something that I wasn’t processing properly. Every little thing was making me angry and sensitive. By taking myself off of my pain meds, I gave myself the headspace to truly see what was going on. Grief. Grieving something I’ve worked on grieving for many years, and somehow every time I am vulnerable, it comes up again and I’m working through it all over again. Something will pop up and it’s back to step one… back to basics. That’s okay. I sure am grateful that I have the ability to pick myself up when I am back there again, because I’ve come to learn that it’s a normal part of the process of working through our emotions in healthy ways. And you know what? It’s okay to not be okay. As long as we don’t stay there. Grief is meant to visit. It’s what helps us grow. I for one, wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for the grief that I’ve experienced. Grief is proof that love existed and the loss of whatever it is, was painful because that love was there. By denying grief and not working through it properly, we deny love. We deny honoring what the love gave us. Why would we do that? It might be uncomfortable to truly feel grief, I get it. But by denying it, we are denying our true, raw, authentic feelings. So… for the next few days, I plan to take extra care of myself and really feel my feelings. Work through the grief. And honor what it is giving to me. I know it will fade again, as it always does. I also know that the grief will be back again, as it always is. And that’s okay. Because honoring grief, and truly letting it show up in my life, is proof that love existed. That’s something I need because there are more days that I have forgotten that, than there are days I remember it. Just for today, I will go back to basics, taking things one day at a time, accepting I am powerless, and using the tools I have been so blessed to receive.

God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can. And wisdom to know the difference.

– Serenity Prayer

Though grief may not seem like it should be a part of my physical recovery, it plays a much bigger role than you’d think. For me to be intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually healthy, I have to work through it so that I can be strong enough to push through my physical healing. These are important parts of ourselves that need the most tender love and care. Otherwise, I know I risk remaining irritable, angry, and depressed, causing more harm to myself and others around me. If you are struggling with grief, reach out for help. Admit to yourself and someone else that you are struggling. We are not meant to go through grief on our own. Rely on your community, on your family and friends. Let them show up for you. And pray. The grief is worth honoring, no matter what stage or how long ago the loss happened. Grief knows no time limit. If you can practice the things I mentioned above, you will grow, heal, and find gratitude, and that’s a beautiful gift worth working toward.

Through my grief, I have found ways to express myself, self care, and to give back, to ensure I’m honoring everything I’ve received through the healing process and what I’ve learned along the way. I feel called to a higher purpose of sharing my experience, strength, and hope, to help others in their own journey of recovery. And in order for me to be successful in this, I must practice self care every day. An act many of us could do better in. To grieve and grow in healthy ways, we must learn and practice the art of self care. Because self care is the best care we can give ourselves, to help us be successful through the challenging process known as recovery.

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Invest in Healing

6-7 min read

The last week has been good. I’ve been able to find some balance in some areas of my life. My main focuses are my physical self, intellectual self, emotional self, and spiritual self. When I have each of those areas balanced, I operate at my best. Since my physical recovery is in progress, that is just something that I have to take my time on and follow all of the recommendations I’ve been given, and then I have to work extra hard in the other three parts of myself. Intellectually I have been doing really well. I’ve been reading some great books, that are challenging me in my healing, goals I have, teaching me more about things I’m passionate about, and keeping me stimulated. Reading has been a positive way for me to not go down any rabbit holes of excessive social media scrolling, overthinking, or distracting myself from reality. It’s been an overall good experience. I’ve also maintained positive interactions with people… with my supports. This keeps me growing and healthy. It also helps me find balance emotionally. Maintaining my community rather than isolating or pushing away, has allowed me to grow my relationships further and truly expose myself to others. I’ve been able to ask for help, be vulnerable, express gratitude, and really open myself up to the love everyone is offering. That has not only been overwhelming, but also so good for my growth. As for balancing my spiritual well-being, I continue to maintain my relationships with those who are on a similar journey as me in faith, I have taken time to study more faith-based teachings, I am in constant contact with my Higher Power, and I have carved out time and space to be still. Practicing these things keeps me spiritually healthy. In all of these areas, I know that there is room for improvement, so I continue to put in the work each day… with intention. Since my most challenging focus area is my physical health, I make it a point to give myself extra time in all of the other areas, so that they can carry me through as my physical health recovers.

“The process of healing does not end when the wounds are no longer visible. It ends when the wounds no longer ache.”

– Muskan Sharma

To give an update about my physical health, I’m riding my bike twice a day as I was instructed to. I’m up to six minutes each ride! I’m supposed to increase my time by one minute every other day. I started physical therapy today, and though I started with what might appear as the lowest of low exercises, they are challenging for me. Even just completing my first set this evening, I am already a little sore and I know it will take a few days of persistence and repetition, for me to do them with ease. I could focus on the fact that these are literal baby step exercises, and I “should” be able to do them, or how ridiculous it seems that they are “challenging”, or I could lie and tell myself that they will make no difference, but none of those would be conducive to my mental health or my physical recovery. Instead, I will celebrate the fact that I am motivated and putting in the work! It takes great patience, resilience and perseverance to get through a journey like this. And I am beyond hopeful that every single moment of hard work in this journey will be worth it, down to the smallest of details. My mindset is an important part of my success in this. I choose to be positive and if there is anything that starts to get too heavy or feel negative, I hand it over. I call someone and reason things out. I find ways to be still, and to work it out with my Higher Power and my community. I meditate and pray. I slow down and refocus. I’ll be honest, a few days ago when my pain levels went up, I was frustrated and angry for longer than I liked. I had to work extra hard to work through that in a healthy way, so as not to stay there. Coming out of it really didn’t take as much as I expected it to, because of how much practice I have had over the years. My fear no longer took over like it could have in the past. Instead, I was met with so much grace, understanding, patience, encouragement, love and support, that I naturally started to feel the same way. Having a supportive community such as mine can really make all the difference, especially in journeys such as these. Moving into this next phase of my recovery, I know that I will have hard days. Physical therapy is my least favorite thing… ever. To add that on top of everything else, I had to prepare myself mentally for this. And then if anything happens that increases my pain, it can really throw things off. Just this evening after riding the bike and accidentally stepping off with too much weight on my leg, my pain levels went up and I instantly was getting irritated and feeling a bit miserable. After recognizing my mood, I immediately sent a message to a friend, sharing about my pain. They didn’t try to fix it. They didn’t tell me I shouldn’t feel that way. They heard me. They supported me. Within minutes I felt better. Not because my pain went away, but because I knew I wasn’t alone. There are other moments when I ugly cry because someone supports me in ways, I didn’t even know I needed. All because I am seen, and they honor my journey for what it is. That makes all the difference for me. If you as reader take anything from this share, I hope you recognize just how powerful investing in your own healing can be for your past, present and future self. If it wasn’t for the many years of investment that I put into healing in all the areas of my life (physically, intellectually, emotionally & spiritually), this journey would look much different. So, take the leap. Put in the effort. Truly discover yourself and learn to meet your own needs. Get in touch with your Higher Power. Build your community. Find out what drives your behaviors and work on healing with intention. Discover what you like and don’t like about yourself. Learn to trust and truly love yourself. In the end, you will give yourself an amazing gift, that will keep on giving to you and everyone whose life you touch.

Amber T

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Fear Without Judgement

6-8 min read

With everything going on, I figured giving an update on my medical stuff would help me feel better and give others perspective about what’s going on in my life. This has been many months in the making and it’s been over a year since the car accident. As of this last week, I am officially scheduled to have surgery on my hip in just two short weeks. My Orthopedic Surgeon will be performing Hip Arthroscopy surgery, while also repairing my labral tear. Basically, she is reshaping the femoral head by shaving it down to remove bone that is causing an impingement, and will also be repairing the labrum, so that my joint will sit in the socket properly. Depending on how the surgery goes and what it looks like, there is a chance that they will need to perform micro-drilling as well (where they create little mini fractures to help increase blood flow to stimulate cartilage growth if needed), but I just won’t know until I come out of surgery if it was performed or not. That will depend on the condition of my joint when they get in there; as of now, I do have fluid buildup in my bone marrow, indicating my bone is not getting enough blood flow, which has caused further damage. It definitely hasn’t helped my ability to heal. My recovery is expected to look like 6-8 weeks on crutches. The micro-drilling happening or not will determine if it’ll be 2 or 8 weeks non-weightbearing. Directly after the surgery, they will perform Radiation Therapy on my hip (don’t worry, I won’t feel a thing, it’s low-risk & very effective) to help prevent excessive bone growth and over healing, then I will go home that night. By the time I get home that night, I will get on a spin cycle… twice a day for the duration of my recovery (the goal is to keep it up permanently), gradually increasing my time on the bike. I will also engage in a very strict 18-page Physical Therapy regimen over that timeframe. It’s intensive. It’ll help get me where I need to be though, to hopefully walk unassisted again. That is the hope. There is also a 50% chance that we will need to do the same thing on the other side, but we won’t know until after the full recovery time has passed for this initial surgery. I’ve also been continuously warned that there is damage to my nerves coming out of the base of my spinal cord, however I am already seeing improvement through my meditation and lifestyle changes, which is super positive. I am hopeful that will continue to improve as I grow in my practices and as I heal physically. Oh, how I look forward to doing yoga again! Every part of me needs yoga. I also plan to continue to maintain good self-care and include things like massage, acupuncture, float tanks and other practices, that require being present and mindful. This journey will be far from easy, but I am glad to share that I have been eating a healthy (and delicious) diet, specifically designed to help keep inflammation down, that should be maintainable through this process. I have support to call or video chat with. I have support that will come over. I have support that is willing to help pick up groceries, meal prep with me, pick me up and take me to go bake cookies, people to pray with, support groups I can attend virtually, support that will be there for me in many ways, so that I can be successful. I am also blessed to be able to take the time off work, so that I can focus only on my physical recovery and maintaining good mental health. Though this may be a challenging journey, the view that comes after should be pretty amazing.

There are lots of things that I plan to focus on to help create distance from all the hard work I will be putting in. Things like forgiveness, humility, grace, trust, patience, understanding, and all of those wonderful things that continue to grow in my life. I plan to embrace those things by journaling, puzzling, coloring, crocheting, reading, listening to podcasts, and truly taking care of myself. I plan to be present in my recovery and in this journey. I plan to soak up everything that it offers me, so that I can maximize my growth and healing. There is always much more that happens behind the scenes than people see. My hope is to share my recovery in some way, whether it be through writing or something else. I’m hoping I will be in a good place to share. I do also know the reality is that there will be some haaaaaard moments/days through this that I may not want to share about or be in a place to. Those moments will be best left for my support people who are prepared to lift me up with faith, hope and trust, because that is what I will need. As of now, I am as prepared as I can be. I’ve asked for help where I need it and I have safety set up with my supports. I am really looking forward to how this experience helps grow my relationships and my faith. There are some things I have fear around, however I just keep handing those things over and using my tools to get through. Fear has a funny way of getting us off course, so I just acknowledge the fear and am open with my Higher Power about how I’m feeling. That really helps. I always feel tons lighter when I am open about my fear. Even when it seems ridiculous. Part of the journey of fear is trust. That can be challenging to navigate for someone like me with trust issues. Sure makes me grateful for my program, my community and the foundation I have built. Makes growing through things much less challenging. Being able to reason things out with another person and put fear in words without judgement, shame or someone trying to fix it, makes a big difference in feeling good about being open and honest about fears, that’s for sure. I recognize not everyone is as fortunate as I am. It takes really building those relationships through boundaries, trust, understanding, patience, vulnerability and intention. If it wasn’t for having some solid relationships in my life, this surgery wouldn’t even be possible. This next step in my healing wouldn’t be possible. And I’m sure that there are many folks out there who do not get the same chance I do. I am truly blessed to have this opportunity to grow and heal, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, so I must honor this amazing gift by jumping in with both feet and no fear. And just maybe, my journey might help someone in their journey. The best has yet to come.

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Unapologetically Me

Unapologetically Me

5-6 min read

It’s hard to know where to start when it’s been so long since I wrote last. I miss writing. The thing is, I’ve had to step way back and focus only on myself. It’s quite the challenge, but absolutely necessary. It’s meant that I have had to give up things I really enjoy. I’ve had to put dreams on hold. I’ve had to step away from relationships that don’t serve me. I’ve had to take a different path completely. I’ve also had to advocate for myself more than ever. I’ve had to work on forgiveness and acceptance. I’ve had to grow in ways I didn’t know I was capable of. Everything probably happened just the way it did so that I could be sitting right here and typing these exact words for you to read. It’s almost uncomfortable but then again, we grow when we are out of comfort zone.

For a little context, 9 months ago today, I had a car accident that turned my life upside down. It still manages to affect me today, in really big ways, but I have managed to get stronger and grow more each day. I don’t cry in pain anymore like I did… most days anyways. I’ve learned to adapt and work around the pain, so that I can continue to live my life and find any joy or serenity. Some days I don’t move and other days I move mountains. But even my days in bed mean something. Those are the days I am recouping my strength to keep on my journey. Some days I amaze myself that I have managed the way I have. I couldn’t have done it without my supportive community, that’s for sure. I am truly grateful for the support and proud of myself for how I have handled everything. Of course, I know this journey is far from over. There will be a lifetime of learning and growth. Afterall, I am an imperfect human being that has much to learn. I am filled with so much gratitude, I sometimes get overwhelmed that I don’t have enough physical energy to express it. The pain I’m in every waking moment, takes everything I have to give. It drains me often. I’ve been in survival mode now for a long time. I am tired. I’ve been tired. Truth is that my recovery saved me…. And continues to save me. If this would have happened 5-10 years ago, I probably would have ended my life. Then again… there have still been some days the thought has crossed my mind. Not as often anymore, but over the last 9 months, it still happened more times than I can count on both hands. A person in excruciating pain like this every day, can’t live a positive or healthy life without a large village of supporters. So, I’ve had to completely expose myself and allow others to pick up where I am not able. Talk about uncomfortable. I have been helped in more ways than I can express… and yet, there were literally still days it wasn’t enough. Giving things up just to have the mental capacity to survive, was all I could do. And there were days when something would take me off guard, or I wasn’t ready for, or were emotionally heavy, or even multiple things at once coming at me, and then it just made me mush. Almost as if I were incapable of functioning. I would literally beg and pray for any relief at that point. Eventually I gave up everything and said “Okay Higher Power, I’m listening…” and was led to where I am today. After that point, every step of the way I have consulted with my Higher Power. I have handed things over, kicking and screaming sometimes, and somehow everything turns out better than okay. And even though there is still quite a ways to go in my physical recovery, I know that my recovery journey is right on track.

The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.

– Confucius

There are still many opportunities for me to work through forgiveness, acceptance, understanding and much more. All I can do is take things One Step At A Time and keep working my recovery. If I go any faster, I will fall backwards. Honestly, this time down with a physical ailment, is a true blessing. I’m sure I would have been much more resistant otherwise. Amazing how things work out the way they do. Now I am mostly stable. I get through each day with my pain. Some days are hard, but I have lots of support and tools to help me through. And… the doctors finally have a plan to help! That part was hard, and likely an area I need to work on forgiveness. Being told repeatedly that the pain is in your head or that it’s only a flare-up is super frustrating. It took everything I had to advocate for myself this whole time. To finally be heard. And to be kind through the process. There is no way someone feels this much pain 24 hours a day and it’s just nothing. I’m glad I was resilient and stood my ground. I’m glad I kept refusing to take no for an answer. Now that I know what’s wrong, there is some relief. I can carve out the time I need to give my body rest. There is anxiety too. Surgery feels like a big deal. Not to mention, my life is not really set up for surgery. It’s not something I even considered really, because for so long I was told something else. But there is so much hope! Hope for recovery. Hope for pain-free days to come. Hope for putting this hardship behind me. I may have to set aside my business, school, friendships, you name it… but in the end, I will be stronger and more capable when it comes time to pick up where I left off. And maybe most wouldn’t understand what I’m going through but it’s pretty incredible that this hardship… this journey… has given me the practice and strength to be unapologetically me. That sure counts for something.

Amber T

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Reaching Out…

6-7 min read

This particular title is important to me because it leads to one of the most supportive communities of recovery I ever imagined. Reaching out to other people is a hard task, but once we break our silence and really allow ourselves to be vulnerable about the things we are going through, we open ourselves up to being supported in ways that help us thrive in our journey’s. My life has been complete and utter chaos these last few months and I’ll tell ya, it hasn’t been easy to get myself out of bed everyday and push forward, but it is a whole heck of a lot easier with the supportive community that I have in my life. When I said previously that I isolate for days at a time, I didn’t mean that I isolate away from everyone. I meant that I isolate away from things and people that don’t serve me. Everyday I am in communication with my supportive community of recovery, that help uplift me by not offering advice, sharing tools and wisdom, listening to me cry through what I’m going through, and so much more. It’s important for me to make sure that during those harder moments, I am only sharing with individuals that I know are healthy and able to create a safe space for me to do so. And then days later when a loved one or friend contact me, or when I am ready to reach out, I am able to share with pure vulnerability and with healthy boundaries, what I had been going through during that time, which helps me grow my program. Being vulnerable is not something that the majority of people are comfortable with. Thankfully for myself, I have a large community of individuals who are willing to get in the mud with me, and really help me through when it is needed. By my doing so, I get to share that with others who are not quite ready for it, to show them it’s okay to open ourselves up to others and to really trust. I get to help others figure out how to navigate this uncomfortable journey of being our authentic selves and building deep connection with others… tears and all. It’s pretty incredible.

Being surrounded by people in recovery this last weekend has been quite the experience and really eye-opening to just how difficult that is for so many people. I have found that through my recovery, the more I connect with like-minded people who are also willing to get in the mud with others, I have more compassion for those who are observing from the side lines, wondering how the heck they are supposed to do that too. It’s pretty scary stuff. It’s icky and uncomfortable. But I must say, once you have even just one or two solid support people in your life who are healthy because they take care of themselves, use their tools, take their own inventory, are willing to admit their shortcomings, are emotionally mature, know they are not perfect, admit when they are wrong, really open themselves up to others, know what they do & don’t have control over, are willing to make amends, constantly working to improve their relationship with their Higher Power, and who respect you & your boundaries, you will find a whole new way of life. Sounds almost like a fairytale doesn’t it? It’s not. I have this in my own life… by the handfuls.

Being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure.

– Bob Marley

As I started to grow through what I went through, I managed to find myself a healthy person who did all of those things, that helped me build trust and gave me the time I needed to open myself up to them, by offering me patience and understanding. As I grew, so did my own boundaries. In time, I met another healthy person, and another. Until I looked around and I was surrounded by healthy people. Even the people who weren’t quite there, were following my lead and getting healthier in their own ways. It’s been pretty incredible to be a part of. What we can do for ourselves and others by turning it over to our Higher Power and really trusting the process, is beyond what we could imagine. I know it’s not an easy thing to do. I remember all of the fights with my Higher Power and the resistance I felt in putting in trust. There were lots of tears and angry words. It really came back to knowing that I needed something different. What I was doing wasn’t working. Now I am able to pray and meditate, allowing me the space and clear mind, to make healthy decisions and to build self-awareness. I’m not saying that my way is the only way to build a supportive community, but I do have some knowledge in how to get there. What works for me, won’t necessarily work for other people. But in the end, allowing ourselves to connect with healthy people, is an extremely important part of the process. Learn to reason things out with another person. We even get to learn through the process, how to keep ourselves safe and protect us from the people in our lives that might not be right where we need them as a support person. I know for myself, I have lots of friends and family members I want to keep around but may not be the person that can help me through the heavy hardships I am going through, because they have never been there. It doesn’t mean I end those relationships. It means I learn to set boundaries for myself. And if that means I have to isolate myself away from them while I figure out how to set appropriate boundaries for me, then that’s what I have to do. I always come out of it with great amounts of gratitude when it doesn’t take long for me to figure it out, so that I can keep the people I care about active in my life. It hurts when there are folks that I am still figuring out that safety for myself with and I am not yet able to set the needed boundaries to open myself up to them. Instead I just have to continue working through it with the healthy people in my life, and hope that when the time comes, they will understand and welcome me with open arms knowing that I took the necessary time to take care of myself and create safety as I needed it. Something we are all deserving of.

Just a little tip on where to start… find someone who has qualities and characteristics that you find attractive and you catch yourself saying “I want that” or asking “how do they do it?”, then reach out by striking up a conversation. Get to know them by asking questions and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Not to say that relationship will last forever, but you might learn something that helps you start to navigate how to move forward. It’s got to start somewhere. Start within you and allow yourself to create a deep connection with others. Don’t be afraid to get hurt. Use it as an opportunity to grow and learn a lesson that you can take with you to the next part of your journey.

Amber T

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Taking My Time…

7-8 min read

It’s been just over six weeks since I wrote last. I’ve found it quite challenging to sit down and let myself get vulnerable with everything I have going on. As many of my followers may know, I was in a car accident back at the end of November. The first few months were quite rough. My pain levels were at the top of the chart by the end of each day. It was physically and mentally exhausting. I had to work hard every day to take extra care of myself in order to keep any serenity in my life. After so long, I eventually hit my wall. That happened just a couple of weeks ago. By that point, I could take no more and was in need of crutches in order to maintain my life in any normal capacity. It has now been two weeks on crutches. The first week on crutches was rough, because I was overly emotional. My pain levels were finally coming down, but then everything that has happened over the last few months weighed heavy on me because I had finally been able to see things more clearly. The pain fog was lifting. I understand that I did not operate at my best for the months after the accident. How could I? I was in excruciating pain… every day. That really does something to a person. On top of that, I lost my income, my housing, my car, my independence, and people along the way. I wasn’t able to focus on anything long enough to be productive in anything, so my business and this project took a hit. My child started to feel the effects. With all of that, my mental health took a hit. I did everything I could over those few months to take really good care of myself. I had to set uncomfortable boundaries. I had to say no more often. I had to give up things I enjoy. So many things happened that were hard. And now that my pain levels are less, I have been able to process everything more and really accept things for how they are. I am starting to feel more hopeful now. Through this entire process, I am so grateful for the people who stuck by my side and helped carry me through. My amazing supportive community of recovery that I have built, really has showed up for me. I have been reminded over and over again that I am worthy, that I will overcome these challenges, and that no matter the circumstances, I have people who will love me and support me. What I am going through will help people one day. And though this has all been very difficult, I know that this chapter of my story may help save the lives of others.

“In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.”

– Albert Einstein

Over the last few weeks… months really… I have been taking the much needed time to pray and meditate for acceptance, healing, strength, awareness, and much, much more. I have allowed myself to be vulnerable with my Higher Power. To really have the much needed conversations in order for me to find the solutions I have needed through this trial. And of course, He continues to show up for me. Slowly I am starting to work things out in positive ways. Through this time, I have not faltered so much that I have given up on the mission. Instead I have had to prioritize and take small baby steps in any direction. I am still working to put things together where I can. Some exciting things are in the works. Maybe I can’t produce candles at the moment, but other things truly are coming together. And the candles will come soon. Once my housing stabilizes and I move into my new office space, I will be ready to take those next steps. I just need to clear a few things off of my plate first. I will say however, that it is pretty likely that I will be on crutches for a few more months, so it will be important for me to maintain these new healthy boundaries for myself. And I don’t really mind the crutches, since it decreases my pain levels so significantly. It’s brought my pain down from an 8-10, to a 2! That’s a pretty amazing change. Being at a 2 allows me to do my physical therapy exercises and to just really focus on things that need to get done. It was really hard to advocate for myself the first few months, especially when I was told over and over again that it was just a flare up. I’m grateful that I kept advocating though, because eventually I was heard and now I’m just a few short weeks away from seeing the specialist that is going to help me make a plan of recovery. There is hope in sight.

This has been one of the hardest times I have ever had in my life. I truly believe that everything I have been through up to now, was to prepare me for this chapter of my life. There had been days that all I could do was cry. I had felt like a failure. I had felt unworthy. I had given up hope. All with what seemed like no light at the end of the tunnel. Things got really dark. The pain was so bad, that I just wanted it to be over, and in the worst of ways. Some days I just wanted a hug so badly, but I just wasn’t capable of asking for one. I had isolated myself for days at a time, just to cry uncontrollably when my loved ones would finally call me out of concern. Being in pain and having to carry everything I was going through, became one of the hardest things I ever had to do. And with each new thing that came my direction, it all got heavier and heavier until I couldn’t carry anymore. I know that I haven’t been operating at my best these last few months. But I must say, I did a darn good job given the circumstances, all thanks to my many tools, healthy practices and the support that I have. I’m pretty proud of myself for making it as long and far as I did. Today I am grateful that people showed up to help me, knowing that was what I needed. I am grateful for the many reminders that I am not in this journey alone. None of us are in this alone. There are people out there waiting to love you. You just have to allow yourself to welcome them in. It’s hard to do, and even more so when we do not believe we are worthy of that love because of what we are going through, but you are worthy. We all are. It’s all even more difficult for those of us who are used to carrying the weight of things on our own because we have been let down so often. But that gets better too, when we are a part of the right community. This whole part of my journey, will be a great testament in my story, and will all help me in this amazing mission of change. Stay tuned followers… the best has yet to come.

Amber T

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Acceptance and trust…

That’s been the theme of my life these last few weeks. It’s been really challenging but also has come with a lot of growth. I’ve had more tears than usual that’s for sure. Acceptance is a lot easier for me. It’s something that I’ve worked hard at these last few years. It was a foreign concept before then. Trust on the other hand. That is new. To trust that everything will be okay… to trust that someone is genuine… to trust that I deserve the good things that are happening in my life… to trust myself… these are all things that I fight myself on constantly. I am grateful that I have any level of awareness about trust and have improved my relationship with my Higher Power, otherwise I’m not so sure it’d be as possible as it has been. My mirror reminders are super helpful too. Not to mention the amazing support system that I have developed. You see, I spent the majority of my life surrounding myself around poor quality individuals and accepting much less than I deserved… people wanted to take advantage of me. And they did, let me tell you. So these last five or so years have been rough because I have only allowed very few people in… everyone else has had no possibility of even coming close to me letting my walls down. Now that I trust myself more and have grown as a person, that’s changing. And every time I let my wall down even just a smidge, I cry. It’s so challenging for me to allow myself to be vulnerable. I have been on my own now for so long, and I have been broken for even longer… to trust that someone is not going to take advantage of me, takes every atom in my body to hold myself together and not just run as far away as possible. Just the thought of it has me tearing up. Since trust has been the theme of my life lately, I am extremely sensitive to any situation where I have to trust and be vulnerable. So I just cry. I allow the tears. Sometimes I have to work really hard to hold them back. Not today. Today I let a few tears out here and there, and then when I got home, I bawled. For like an hour. In the moment I was having a hard time being positive. I was wanting to give up on trust. In my brain, everything would have been a lot easier if I could just sell everything I own, run away to another state and never look back. Give up on this whole endeavor. Give up on my friends. Give up on the idea of ever dating again. Give up on helping people in my community. That was a pretty crummy place to be in at that moment… so I just cried. Because the reality is, I want trust. I want what trust has to offer. But trust is not something I am used to. Trust is not easy for someone with the level of trauma that I have. Of course I’m working through it all, but it doesn’t mean I don’t fall sometimes. And I always pick myself up. You see, I work with people almost daily in helping them overcome their own traumas and not getting in their own way of living a fulfilled life. I’d be a total hypocrite if I just ran away. Instead that motivates me. It helps me push through and continue the journey of helping people… being able to help walk with someone in their journey. I teach what I learn, and I also share what I go through as a way to help other people because I can relate to these feelings of shame, guilt, fear, embarrassment, insignificance, worthlessness, abandonment, emptiness, rejection, anxiety, humiliation, anger, resentment, loneliness, the list goes on. And I always try to imagine what it is that I would want from someone that I never got in this journey, and then offer that. Sometimes it’s hard because I’m blessed with this level of awareness that I get to help bring out in other people, whom which are fighting for exactly what I am working through. So I get to be a persons rock, when I need a rock for myself. And these amazingly strong and beautiful people I support, end up holding me up without even knowing it. They push through and don’t even realize how inspiring they are for doing the very thing that is keeping them surviving. And they don’t see it because they get tore down by everyone else in their path. They get barked demands that are unreasonable and not possible for someone with lots of trauma. I’m just grateful that I have come to… I have seen what living in an alcoholic home has done to myself and my family. I have seen what being raped and molested by a family member does to our behaviors, poor coping and accepting of really crappy people and relationships in our lives. I know firsthand what abandonment, single mom-hood, domestic violence, being low-class or bullied, losing important relationships, being strangled, living with chronic pain, can do to a person. There are so many people walking around refusing to accept the fact that these terrible things have happened to them and then they are treating other people terribly. They are contributing to this awful cycle of abuse and they don’t even realize it. No level of awareness at all. And what’s crazy, is that I used to be one of those people. I used to surround myself with those people. And as soon as I got my head out of my butt, started reaching out and taking better care of myself, everything changed. Now I live this crazy, overwhelmingly fulfilling life. Literally I cry all the time just waiting for the shoe to drop. I cry because I can’t believe something positive it happening for me. I even sometimes feel like a fraud because how could anything good happen to me, when I was one of those negative, crappy people for so many years?! It has taken so much acceptance and trust, for me to push through and allow myself to welcome these new, out of my comfort zone feelings, things and people. I also never want to go back to being that empty, angry, submissive little girl, that was capable of hurting other people. Not after experiencing such amazing things. And though this endeavor that I’m on is challenging and just makes me want to scream sometimes, I will continue to push through and fight for what I know is the right thing for myself, my friends and family, and my community. Spreading hope and helping bring awareness to recovery in its many forms, is what is going to help me and anyone struggling with their own traumas or addiction. We grow when we know we are not alone. Stay tuned followers… the best really has yet to come.

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What is recovery?

That is the question that was asked of me during my first day of training as a Recovery Coach. The answer seemed a lot easier when writing it in the workbook, at least it seemed easier up until I was asked to write my Recovery Journey anyways. I’ve had to really give it some thought so I’ve just been sitting in this hotel room trying to get lost in my thoughts by reflecting on what my Recovery Journey looks like to me. I have been on my journey now for three years. I have learned so many things and come so far, and I’ve also been writing about my journey in this blog that whole time. Though I don’t actually talk much about many of the details that get me to the new tools or healthy coping. Instead I’ve always been fearful of doing that without knowing who was reading so I’ve just left those details for my face-to-face interactions with people in my community and in my life, as a way to keep myself safe from judgment. For me I guess in order to put down on paper what my Recovery Journey is, it starts with asking myself “in what ways do I believe I am in recovery?”. I often tell people I am in recovery from my codependency and attraction to chaos. But reality is, it is so much deeper than that. Those are just symptoms. I am in recovery from the affects of growing up in an alcoholic home, being sexually abused as a child by a family member, the affects of alcoholism in my relationships and work places, as well as my past sexual assaults in my adult years, the affects of being strangled, emotionally abused, in recovery for my mental health (depression, anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD), homelessness, single-motherhood and physically for chronic pain from a prior car accident. With each of those major events were unhealthy learned behaviors that I am now working hard towards unlearning in order to be healthy. I work an active 12 step program where I am active in service, have a sponsor, and I work the Steps, Traditions & Concepts. I also have a therapist and do active talk therapy & EMDR sessions to work through some of the bigger events in my life that had the most harmful and unhealthy learned behaviors, so that I can work to reframe that trauma and come out with more awareness for change in how I cope. I recently went through a Domestic Violence Support Group for a year before I finally was able to grasp what domestic violence really is. With all of these traumas, I have taken steps towards recovery in some way, so that I can get better and be authentically me. Once I really started to address my early childhood sexual abuse, it really helped open my eyes to my past behaviors, in a way that I now have much more compassion for myself and others. Plus I just end up learning so many things about myself, that it helps me identify more goals and strengths. With all of those traumas came effects such as low self-esteem, low self-worth, low self-value, low confidence, people pleasing, submission, shame & guilt, fear, never feeling good enough, believing I could never amount to anything, believing I didn’t deserve anything good, the list goes on… awful effects that I know I am not alone in feeling. I have walked the journey with so many people who are strong and courageous enough to share their feelings of vulnerability, which has helped me grow further as a person and as a healer. I recognize that no one story is the same, just as no one recovery is the same. We are all on our own paths, in our own ways, but to be able to have someone on the journey with us… that makes all the difference in how we recover. With us… not judging, not bias, not objectifying. Just supporting our decisions to figure things out on their own. It brings a new meaning to ‘Meet them where they’re at’… it’s not about meeting them physically at their tent or on the street. It’s about meeting the person in those deep dark feelings that we have overcome already, and help them through the mud. That is part of what I am hoping to offer that is different than other organizations in my area. Though I do recognize that there are lots of helpers, lots of providers out there doing the work in their own ways, setting myself apart and truly getting in the mud with those suffering, and helping them come out stronger, that is where my passion really lies. I know that walking the journey with them is what is going to help them recover, and in-turn I will come out a better version of myself. And of course I am going to have to take extra care of myself while I do this work. That’s so important. I will have to focus even more on refilling my cup in order to be successful, but thankfully that is just another skill I get to teach other people. There are still many things in my own recovery that I am not yet ready to face, so it will also be important to set appropriate boundaries for myself and the people I serve. I’m grateful for my time working my Al-Anon program; that has helped me learn why boundaries are so necessary. So many things that have happened throughout this journey of recovery, and each one of them has happened in the time that it was needed. Recovery cannot be rushed, pushed or demanded. Recovery is by our own definition, on our own terms, in our own time. It is self-identified and self-driven. What a powerful word, recovery. I look forward to finetuning how I get to encompass being a Recovery Coach into this business and this journey. Stay tuned ya’ll.