Tag: overcome

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Practice Trust

5-7 min read

When I sit down to write, I like to be intentional about what I share out. Part of what I do is create a space to allow myself to be vulnerable. Open up about my feelings. Practice tools I’ve learned. And share my own Experience, Strength, and Hope. Often it comes with me putting words down but then realizing there is more work to be done before I can truly be intentional. It’s quite a process but it seems to work. Sometimes creating the space for me to be vulnerable means that I have to get through the mud to figure out what it is that I’m even feeling. Putting it into words isn’t an easy thing to do. It’s taken me years of practice, and I’m still a human being that gets it wrong. Recently I’ve had a lot going on which has given me lots of opportunities to feel my feelings. So much so, that it’s taking daily intentional work to overcome and teaches me something new about myself everyday. I have been experiencing three intense feelings all at once. I feel insecure. I feel abandoned. I feel unworthy. With one comes the other. Each causing the other to intensify. When I feel insecure, I find more reasons I feel abandoned or unworthy. When I feel unworthy, I start to feel more insecure and abandoned. When I feel abandoned, I feel unworthy and insecure. It’s a vicious cycle that requires a lot of work to stand up to. I’m blessed to have many tools and support that allow me to move through these feelings, rather than live in them. Currently, I’m in the midst of turning these negative feelings of insecurity, abandonment, and unworthiness, to faith, hope, and trust. To do that, I have to let go. Let go of the idea that I have any control at all. Let go of expectations I might have. Let go of any fantasies. Let go of my ego. Let go of my pride, guilt, and shame. Let go and hand it over. Whatever “it” is. But what does the act of letting go even look or feel like?

“Trust opens up new and unimagined possibilities.”

– Robert C Solomon

A friend of mine described it to me like this… “It’s like dropping a pencil. You just let the pencil go and everything is fine.”. I really appreciated her approach. We talked about what it means if that pencil represents something else such as anger, resentment, or something that’s bothering you. It was a great conversation. I always appreciate a program conversation in the wild. It inspired me to take some time to practice letting go further. Here’s what I learned. When the pencil was a pencil, it was easy to let go. My fingers would release, and the pencil would safely land. I did this over and over again, just to make sure I had the hang of it. Now, when the pencil represented sadness, I couldn’t let the pencil go. Immediately I thought to myself that means I would have to practice acceptance. When the pencil represented anger, I couldn’t let the pencil go. Immediately I thought to myself that means I would need to practice forgiveness. When the pencil represented my insecurities, I couldn’t let the pencil go. I’d need to practice trust. When the pencil represented my feelings of abandonment, I couldn’t let the pencil go. I knew I needed to practice faith. When the pencil represented unworthiness, I couldn’t let the pencil go. I knew what I needed to practice… I thought it was silly. I decided to practice anyways. Hope. I hoped that I could find a way to let go of feeling unworthy. I just sat there hoping at this pencil that I would find the will to just open my fingers and let it drop. And after repeating my hope to this pencil about five times, the pencil dropped from my fingers! It felt like a total accident. Honestly, I was blown away that the pencil dropped out of my fingers, and hope was exactly what was achieved. I became hopeful that I could let go of these feelings of sadness, anger, insecurities, abandonment, unworthiness, by practicing what I’ve learned. What a great example. The fact is it doesn’t come naturally to practice acceptance, forgiveness, trust, faith, and hope. It takes hard, intentional work. Every time I feel sadness, I have to practice acceptance. Every time I feel anger, I have to practice forgiveness. Every time I feel insecure, I have to practice trust. You get the picture. It is up to me to put in the work to come out of the negative feelings on the other side. Part of moving through the healing process is to embrace the feelings and try to understand what it is that they are telling you. Consider the feeling an opportunity to learn something new about yourself. When I picked up the pencil again, this time I chose acceptance instead of sadness, and I was able to let the pencil go. Forgiveness instead of anger, I let the pencil go. Trust instead of insecurities, I let the pencil go. And so forth. Letting go takes practice. Lots and lots of practice. Maybe next time you can’t figure out how to let something go, grab a pencil. See what it’s trying to tell you. Practice letting go of the pencil while it’s a pencil and once you’ve got the hang of it, let the pencil represent whatever “it” is that you are going through and try to learn what it’s telling you. What a fun experiment that was. Letting go keeps me healthy. I often hand things over to my Higher Power; I find that helpful. When I care about the outcome of something, the more I try to hang onto it, the more of a mess I seem to make. I’ve come to find that by letting go, I create the space for something better, beyond what I could even imagine. When I first started practicing letting go, I started with trust. Trust in myself. Trust in others. Trust in my Higher Power. Just as hard as it was to let the pencil go when it represented my insecurities, it was just as hard when the pencil represented trust. It was, however, much easier to get to the letting go part when the pencil represented trust. A lesson learned from the pencil. It takes less energy, to focus on trust. So, for now, I’m just a girl with her #2 pencil, practicing acceptance, forgiveness, faith, hope, and trust, until I come out on the other side.

Amber T

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Taking My Time…

7-8 min read

It’s been just over six weeks since I wrote last. I’ve found it quite challenging to sit down and let myself get vulnerable with everything I have going on. As many of my followers may know, I was in a car accident back at the end of November. The first few months were quite rough. My pain levels were at the top of the chart by the end of each day. It was physically and mentally exhausting. I had to work hard every day to take extra care of myself in order to keep any serenity in my life. After so long, I eventually hit my wall. That happened just a couple of weeks ago. By that point, I could take no more and was in need of crutches in order to maintain my life in any normal capacity. It has now been two weeks on crutches. The first week on crutches was rough, because I was overly emotional. My pain levels were finally coming down, but then everything that has happened over the last few months weighed heavy on me because I had finally been able to see things more clearly. The pain fog was lifting. I understand that I did not operate at my best for the months after the accident. How could I? I was in excruciating pain… every day. That really does something to a person. On top of that, I lost my income, my housing, my car, my independence, and people along the way. I wasn’t able to focus on anything long enough to be productive in anything, so my business and this project took a hit. My child started to feel the effects. With all of that, my mental health took a hit. I did everything I could over those few months to take really good care of myself. I had to set uncomfortable boundaries. I had to say no more often. I had to give up things I enjoy. So many things happened that were hard. And now that my pain levels are less, I have been able to process everything more and really accept things for how they are. I am starting to feel more hopeful now. Through this entire process, I am so grateful for the people who stuck by my side and helped carry me through. My amazing supportive community of recovery that I have built, really has showed up for me. I have been reminded over and over again that I am worthy, that I will overcome these challenges, and that no matter the circumstances, I have people who will love me and support me. What I am going through will help people one day. And though this has all been very difficult, I know that this chapter of my story may help save the lives of others.

“In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.”

– Albert Einstein

Over the last few weeks… months really… I have been taking the much needed time to pray and meditate for acceptance, healing, strength, awareness, and much, much more. I have allowed myself to be vulnerable with my Higher Power. To really have the much needed conversations in order for me to find the solutions I have needed through this trial. And of course, He continues to show up for me. Slowly I am starting to work things out in positive ways. Through this time, I have not faltered so much that I have given up on the mission. Instead I have had to prioritize and take small baby steps in any direction. I am still working to put things together where I can. Some exciting things are in the works. Maybe I can’t produce candles at the moment, but other things truly are coming together. And the candles will come soon. Once my housing stabilizes and I move into my new office space, I will be ready to take those next steps. I just need to clear a few things off of my plate first. I will say however, that it is pretty likely that I will be on crutches for a few more months, so it will be important for me to maintain these new healthy boundaries for myself. And I don’t really mind the crutches, since it decreases my pain levels so significantly. It’s brought my pain down from an 8-10, to a 2! That’s a pretty amazing change. Being at a 2 allows me to do my physical therapy exercises and to just really focus on things that need to get done. It was really hard to advocate for myself the first few months, especially when I was told over and over again that it was just a flare up. I’m grateful that I kept advocating though, because eventually I was heard and now I’m just a few short weeks away from seeing the specialist that is going to help me make a plan of recovery. There is hope in sight.

This has been one of the hardest times I have ever had in my life. I truly believe that everything I have been through up to now, was to prepare me for this chapter of my life. There had been days that all I could do was cry. I had felt like a failure. I had felt unworthy. I had given up hope. All with what seemed like no light at the end of the tunnel. Things got really dark. The pain was so bad, that I just wanted it to be over, and in the worst of ways. Some days I just wanted a hug so badly, but I just wasn’t capable of asking for one. I had isolated myself for days at a time, just to cry uncontrollably when my loved ones would finally call me out of concern. Being in pain and having to carry everything I was going through, became one of the hardest things I ever had to do. And with each new thing that came my direction, it all got heavier and heavier until I couldn’t carry anymore. I know that I haven’t been operating at my best these last few months. But I must say, I did a darn good job given the circumstances, all thanks to my many tools, healthy practices and the support that I have. I’m pretty proud of myself for making it as long and far as I did. Today I am grateful that people showed up to help me, knowing that was what I needed. I am grateful for the many reminders that I am not in this journey alone. None of us are in this alone. There are people out there waiting to love you. You just have to allow yourself to welcome them in. It’s hard to do, and even more so when we do not believe we are worthy of that love because of what we are going through, but you are worthy. We all are. It’s all even more difficult for those of us who are used to carrying the weight of things on our own because we have been let down so often. But that gets better too, when we are a part of the right community. This whole part of my journey, will be a great testament in my story, and will all help me in this amazing mission of change. Stay tuned followers… the best has yet to come.

Amber T

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Season of Change

5-6 min read

Just as the title reads, this is the Season of Change. At the start of every new year, many people create resolutions and are working hard to stay on track to be successful. What many might not understand, is that change takes time. Often this is why people get discouraged and go back to their old habits. We put expectations on ourselves and when we fail, we will beat ourselves up or even give up completely. The fact of the matter is, it takes us a long time to learn our behaviors. Wouldn’t you think it holds true that it would take just as long (if not longer), to overcome them? Over the years I was one of those that just often set goals and would get frustrated when I didn’t succeed right away or had setbacks. Now after lots of practice and many tools, I am able to recognize that slow and steady wins the race. I work hard every day at being patient with myself so that I don’t fall back into my old habits and that negative self-talk does not take over. It’s a journey. And honestly, it’s easy to get discouraged or drift away from our goals when all the things in life are happening. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. It’s just hard because often we don’t even realize it’s happening until we are in deep and at our breaking point.

Some may warn us but denial is so often our first instinct because then we would have to admit we are sinking. It takes making a conscious decision to take one’s own inventory on a regular basis, in order to make sure we are not creeping back to where we were. It’s hard work, but thankfully I have gained the right support and tools to help me work through it all and grow from everything I learn. There was a day that I would have just continued on in my complaining or negativity, rather than finding gratitude and forgiveness in all things. But now, I find gratitude for my experiences and forgiveness for not knowing any better.

Forgiveness has been topic of conversation the last week or so, which I am thankful for because it is always a good reminder. Growing up, forgiveness is not something that we practiced. Naturally that followed me through adulthood. It was a foreign concept to me when I started my recovery. And it took me years to unpack what forgiveness really means. There were many situations in my life that I look back on, that I realize would have been much different had I known forgiveness then. So instead I practice it now, even for myself, for not knowing any better. Plus now, when I am hurt or angry, I work hard to process my feelings, let things go and practice forgiveness everyday, for others and myself. It’s not about what someone might have done or how they hurt me. This is about freeing up the space in my mind and heart to welcome more positive things. I no longer feel the need to defend myself or try to be heard. Instead I let others make their choices, and then I just practice forgiveness and set healthy boundaries. Which is also such a great way for me to maintain relationships with people I care about. Besides, we are all only human beings, doing what we know in that moment. If we want to help them do different, we should do different. Lead by example, and practice those values in all our affairs. And you know what… no matter what happens, when I practice forgiveness, I win every time.

“Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness.”

Gerald Jampolsky

Since forgiveness has been playing such a big role in my life, I have the opportunity for all of these amazing positive things now! Even when life happens. Even when someone intentionally hurts me. Even when I have every right to be angry. And yes, even when I don’t follow through on this years resolution. Instead, I get to walk into 2022 knowing that this is the Season of Change, because whatever happens, I have all the tools and support that I need to continue my journey as a healthy individual and conquer it all with grace. Because I will show up to put in the hard work. Every. Single. Day.

Amber T

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Perspective

Well this last week has been quite challenging. It started off with working 5am shifts on little sleep. Working on my fixer upper every day after work until bed time. Three days in a row of that wore on me and I wasn’t even close to done. My muscle help was not readily available so things took me a bit longer than I anticipated so I took Thur/Fri off work to just work on it to alleviate at least that stress and just get it done. Plus my job is stressing me out so I needed a couple days away before I snapped. So I tore apart the engine, pulled the knock sensor, and put it all back together. I cleaned all the parts up, replaced both the lower & upper intake gaskets, both valve cover gaskets, spark plugs & wires, re-loomed some wiring, tightened everything up, had to replace a few bolts and hoses, and had to get crafty with creating my own fuel injector “insulator” aka the grommet that the injectors sit on because one was damaged and it was a spendy special order part from Nissan! I learned a lot of patience with this vehicle. I worked on it in complete silence for about 11 hours on Thursday before I called it quits for the night. Got back to it first thing Friday morning. By noon I had everything back together! I relocated the knock sensor so it wouldn’t be so darn difficult to replace again if necessary. Fired it up and it started the first try! It started smoking right away from the engine compartment and the exhaust so I turned it off immediately. I was not about to have it catch fire or cause more damage. I had my fire extinguisher on standby just in case. Later I remembered that I had got coolant in the fuel by accident when I released the cooling system so it had to burn off. Phew! Started it again and let it burn off. I test drove it around the neighborhood and found that I had fixed the original issue of the exhaust leak and lack of compression going up hills. Buuuuuuuuuut, now I have a hiss coming from under the upper intake thats likely causing my cylinder 2 misfire and rough idle. Myself and my mechanic friend verified all the hoses are good and clamped tight, gaskets are in place properly, and the spark plugs and wires are all good. we both think the grommets need to just be replaced. I’ll find out more on Sunday. At least I got SOMEWHERE with it and it RUNS!! I’m pretty proud of myself. I saved myself a few hundred dollars in labor costs for a mechanic by doing the work myself. Lucky for me, both my dad and one of my best friends taught me a lot about mechanics and I really did pay attention! Still more to do but for now its running. Anyways, I got that taken care of so went about working Saturday to get caught up on my day job uninterrupted. Afterwards, I decided to go to the fair with one of my best friends! It was him, his coworker and myself. We went and walked around for a bit before we were gonna ride rides! Well lucky for us we didnt head straight for rides because my friend started getting winded from walking around so we sat down for him to rest. As we were resting, I realized this situation was worse than just shortness of breath from walking around, he was having chest pains and couldn’t even speak! So I sent his coworker to get a paramedic I had seen just around the corner. He pulled pills out of his pocket so I gave him one not even knowing what they were for. I later found out it was nitro for this exact moment. He took it and then the paramedics came, took his vitals, gave him oxygen and called for help. Backup came quick! Within minutes he was on a gurney and headed to the hospital so I raced down there. His coworker and I got there before the ambulance did. I asked them to update us right away. Well within minutes of their arrival they called a Code Blue!!! I was a mess!! One of my best friends was in there and I had no clue what was happening… completely helpless. All I could do was pray. I prayed so hard. After about 10 minutes someone came to grab us to update us on his condition. He was stable and they were sending him to another hospital because he had a heart attack in the front of his heart… what they call the Widowmaker. There’s a reason they call it that. How scary. His heart stopped twice. Once in the ambulance and again at the hospital. I am so thankful that he is alive! Of course I called him and told him he can’t die on me lol An experience like that really puts things into perspective. The first thing he told me was that this heart attack was a good reminder to never go to bed angry. You never know when your last moment will be. I hope my family, my loved ones, know how much I love them. Which I guess brings me to why I wanted to share this trying week with you.

These last few years have been some of the hardest years I’ve ever had. I mean really hard. And lately things have been extra difficult. There have been many days I didn’t want tomorrow to come because it was just too hard. And yet they still came. All I can do is push through it. I don’t have a choice. I have a family to live for. I have a son to live for. And lucky for me, every time I hit my breaking point, something happens that gives me strength to go on. For instance, how I got started with this whole candle thing in the first place. My family has been affected by alcoholism. In the blink of an eye, without warning, everything changed. That has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. A family that loves each other unconditionally, just lost. It’s devastating for it to just be over without warning when you know the love is there. Alcoholism is a terrible thing. The day I realized what was happening is the day I said my first prayer… February 2nd, 2016. It’s also the day I went to my first meeting. A day I’ll never forget. For the next couple of years when times were hard and when I was so heartbroken that I didn’t want to go on, I did everything I could to stay busy and take my mind off of the easy way out but prayer wasn’t yet something I quite understood and it wasn’t something I did often. I sang, played guitar, worked long hours, played music constantly to distract myself… I crafted, scrubbed my house until there was nothing left to scrub, got out in the garage and built stuff, worked on my car, mowed my lawn, drove for miles and miles, tried to move on, you name it. Nothing was working. Well one day when I was just about to give up, I turned to prayer out of desperation. I prayed for something, anything to help me. It was then that I saw something I just had to try. I got my hands on a DIY candle making kit. When I made my first candle, I knew that was it. That was what I could pour my love into. My heart break into. And it all just came together. However, starting this business has been one of the most trying experiences. Everytime I think I can finally move forward, something else tries to stand in my way. And each time I’ve wanted to just give up. What’s the point right? Yet somehow everytime I hit that point something magical happens and in my darkest of moments, I am given the strength to take another step forward. How it’s been possible is something I didn’t understand at first but now I realize it’s because in those moments, I pray. Every time I want to give up because times are just too difficult to handle and I just want everything to end already, I pray. When I am faced with the most trying of times, I pray. Im finally starting to realize that prayer is powerful. I pray for Serenity. I pray for Courage. I pray for Wisdom. And I pray for Strength. Most of the time I don’t think about praying. I need to figure out how to remind myself to pray more often because without it… well those are definitely my hardest and darkest times. I tend to lose focus on the big picture when all these things happen that keep making everything more challenging. Last time I prayed as hard as I did Saturday was almost two months ago. Two months ago I wanted to give up. I wanted my life to end. I thought that everyone would be better off without me. I thought that I was a failure. I thought that things would just continue to get worse and worse so whats the point. So… I prayed. Nothing happened. I prayed again, nothing happened. And then I thought an awful thought that I convinced myself to not act on and I prayed one last time… desperately. The next day something happened that I wasn’t expecting. Something that I didn’t understand. Something that meant so much to me but yet I was so confused at the same time. And in that moment I was given the strength I needed to survive another day. So, that following Friday night when the work week was over and I could finally breathe, I turned off my phone, locked myself in my house and prayed from Friday to Sunday! I was so thankful that all I could do was pray some more! Praying gave me the strength to trust that everything will be okay and make it through another day. It gave me the strength to get through some of the most challenging obstacles since then. It gave me the courage to stand tall when all I wanted to do was crumble. I have overcame situations that would have normally turned me into a big mess but I persevered and now I am stronger. Saturday I prayed. It helped me hold myself together long enough to save one of my best friends lives! I had no idea about the power of prayer until the day I lost my family to alcoholism. This last couple of years have been by far my hardest and yet I have held myself together enough to gain the strength so I can handle and overcome what’s still to come. Everything truly does happen for a reason, even if I don’t understand. I pray that everything will be okay. I just have to have faith that it will be. I hope and pray that one day I am given the opportunity to tell my loved ones how much I love and care about them. Sometimes things are still really hard and I just want to give up. When I remember, I pray. I just really need to remember more often that when things take a turn, I should pray. This business means a lot to me. It represents the love one has for family and friends. It represents the power of prayer. It represents the trials and tribulations of alcoholism. It represents more than anyone truly knows. I look forward to the day that I can finally kick off and share this experience with the people who matter most to me. So even though things are slow moving, I will do what I can to make this successful because of what it represents.