powerlessness – Tender Flame Soy Candles

Practicing Acceptance Through Powerlessness

8-9 min read

It’s been over two months since I wrote last. I’ve been taking the time I need to recover Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally, And Spiritually (known as PIES). There is still much work to be done. As of now though, my hip is doing well. The surgeon was very optimistic at my 3-month post-op appointment. She even cleared me for exploring alternative low-impact cardio and jogging in the pool. That’s very exciting. I’m still in physical therapy and will be for some time. It’s going good for the most part. I still overdo it occasionally, but overall, I’m finding balance with my hip and my back. Now that the hip is doing well, my nerve damage is prominent, so we are exploring ways to change the way I live with the pain and practicing ways to quiet the nerves signals. We have been doing yoga stretches, and started some nerve desensitization work which has been very challenging. Last week I got about 40 minutes of partial relief using desensitization techniques, and when the relief faded, the pain returned higher than it was before. It took me days to recover from it. On Friday I felt relief during the float tank session I had. I honestly had about 50 minutes of complete pain relief. What they don’t tell you about pain, is that when you have it constantly making noise in your brain and you never get relief, when you finally do get relief, it’s going to hit like a ton of bricks. It’ll flood you with clarity, a new perspective so to speak, high emotions of grief and sadness, solutions to problems, and an abundance of more things to think about. For someone like me who lives with this constant high pain, those pain-free moments are divine. That’s where I connect most with my Higher Power and where I can deeply meditate, to a place of temporary tranquility. It’s the after affects that are the hardest.

You see, I can literally count on both hands the number of hours of pain relief that I have had in the last 534 days. There was the 1 hour after getting a steroid injection in my hip; after the hour was up, my pain became so intense I was bed ridden after. It hurt to stand, walk, or drive. And that night, I bawled like a baby I was so overwhelmed with all of the emotions that hit me during that hour. Then there were the 3 hours I had during my surgery. They gave me the anesthesia (it’s funny, I refused to count down and chatted them all up until I was knocked out), and then I woke up. I may not remember those 3 hours, but I never once had pain on the brain. It’s just a blip of darkness in my memory bank, with no benefit that I can identity outside of the obvious… surgery on the hip. Then there was the 1.5 hours I got this last week. That hour and a half deserves a much better explanation and I’ll tell ya why here shortly. Before then, I want to point out that that is a total of 5.5 hours of pain relief… out of 12,816 hours since the pain started. Feel free to do the math to find out the percentage of time that I live pain-free. And as much as I am grateful for those hours, I hope my share today can offer insight and understanding for those who do not live with chronic pain like this. But maybe you know someone who does. I have been challenged in ways I never thought I’d have to face. I have had to accept things I wish I didn’t have to. Recently it’s even come to my attention that I will never be able to go back to the way things were, because even if I work hard at it, the amount of time it’s going to take me to get to where I’m striving for is going to come with its own set of behaviors, challenges, and trauma. Things I have to be super vigilant about in this journey, or just things I’ll have to overcome when I get to where I’m going. And since my capacity is so limited, I’m not sure I can keep up so there’s bound to be work that needs to be done. It’s going to be really important that I make myself a priority… always. My brain doesn’t work the same way anymore. There are literal times when the pain is so high, I don’t even recognize my surroundings. Collecting a complete thought becomes impossible. I forget words. It’s like I hit a wall and then bam, I’m mush. My brain is different now, and I’m still trying to figure out how to adapt to this new way of life.

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”
– JK Rowling

Now back to the hour and a half of pain relief I had. I felt this needed more explanation to offer clarity for those interested in deeper understanding. It was time split between two activities. The first was my physical therapy session; as mentioned above, we started working on desensitizing the nerves. I may have received some relief but the after affects might not have been worth it. I’m still taking inventory on that. The days following were very challenging, in all areas of my being. Though I do have the tools I need to do that work at home now, let me make it clear… it is hard work. But I can now introduce the desensitization work into my life, slow and steady. It’s just going to take time. We’ll probably do that work again in PT here in the next few weeks, but the homework I’m doing won’t be nearly as intense as those sessions. Hopefully by that time, I’ll have built up some tolerance by then. The second activity was the float tank. An hour session gives me about 50 minutes of relief, where I literally have no pain as I am floating. I am beyond grateful that I found something that helps me have pain relief in this way so that I can take a mental break when needed. It’s not something I can do all the time right now, but once every couple of weeks is reasonable. I look forward to my next session. In time, I’m positive and hopeful that I’ll find other ways to get relief. Nerve damage is a challenging thing to navigate. I don’t know if I will ever get relief in the sense that I’ll have pain-free days, and that’s a hard thing to accept. But I do plan to continue to work in the direction of healing, whatever that might look like.

As of now, I’m still recovering from that pain-free time from the float tank. My brain is mush. So, I have no choice but to take extra good care of myself. Being that I am a mother and its Mother’s Day, I’m choosing to stay in sweatpants and do nothing short of what I want. In this moment, that’s to write this out so that I can move through to further healing. My hope is to do this again sooner now that I know what I’m up against. Acceptance is something that takes time and practice. I’m grateful for all the opportunities I’ve had that helped me work through this current journey. It allows me to put acceptance into practice with more ease. And when we can practice acceptance, we open up the space for us to have peace and serenity, in the middle of any storm. I encourage you to check out my latest YouTube video above, “Five Seconds of Courage”. I talked about powerlessness. I couldn’t have got myself to this place of clarity so quickly without admitting I was powerless and truly accepting what is. To practice powerlessness is to practice acceptance, and that is hard work. But not impossible. For many of us, powerlessness and acceptance do not come naturally. It takes hard, intentional work to practice those things. It’s like a muscle. You have to use it to build muscle strength and endurance. And if you’re not aware of the fact that you are or are not practicing powerlessness and acceptance, trust me when I say that you are causing harm to yourself and others. It might be time to take a personal inventory. Maybe ask yourself “Am I trying to control the outcome?” or “Is this something I have control over?” or how about “Is this my Higher Power’s will or my own?”. Asking yourself these questions might offer you some insight. I for one, am glad to be in a place where I can identify and let go of the things that are out of my control. I’m glad I have the courage to change the things I can. It sure helps lighten the load of all the burdens I do carry. There’s no point of me carrying burdens that I have no control over. Plus, it helps me stay healthy enough so that I can more easily identify when I’m maybe not operating at my best, so that I can tend to my own needs and continue on in my journey of healing. For now, I will Listen and Learn about myself and the things around me, so that I can mindfully and intentionally grow through what I go through, no matter the difficulties. Stay tuned, the best has yet to come.

Amber T

Speak your truth…

6-7 min read

Something I have been working really hard at these last few days is to unapologetically honor my feelings… even when I feel shame or like my feelings are wrong in some way. Honoring my feelings with kindness and really being present to allow myself to feel them fully, is a practice that allows me an opportunity to grow and to heal. To really turn toward them, rather than push away from them, opens things up for self-discovery. It also shows that I respect myself as an individual and that I have compassion for the fact that I am human, with human emotions. Someone asked me, ‘how do you honor your feelings?’. Well, I set aside time and create a space for myself, where I feel comfortable enough to feel my feelings and I allow myself to work through those feelings without judgment. Sadness for instance. I set myself up in a calming, judgment-free zone, with meditative music and plenty of tissues, so that I can work through why I am sad. I write it out in a journal, talk it out with a friend or my Higher Power, practice mindfulness and I let the tears flow. I honor the fact that I might be feeling guilt, abandonment, powerlessness, vulnerability, loneliness or depression. Instead of carrying all of those emotions with me or being in denial that they exist, I allow myself the time to work through them and really honor why they exist to me. This way they do not end up affecting me in negative ways. In the past, I was really good about denying my feelings access to surface. It was the example I had been given… to just push my feelings aside and move forward as if they didn’t exist. Not to mention when a person gets shut down enough, told they’re being too sensitive or even when ridiculed for feeling a particular way, it’s only natural that we shut down. I have come to learn that is not healthy for my well-being, and instead through lots of practice, I allow myself the space to process and dig deep as to why I am feeling a certain way.

All over the place I see people denying access to their feelings and pushing forward as if nothing is bothering them. And in doing so, outsiders can see when those same individuals become irritable and unreasonable, without even knowing it. Much like addiction, when we deny ourselves access to feeling our feelings, we cover it all up in other (unhealthy) ways… without even realizing it. And those same folks are so far deep into their denial, that there is nothing that we can do besides lead by example and practice vulnerability ourselves, to show others that it’s okay. When we create a safe space, we open up the opportunity for us to discover things about ourselves and others, that we likely wouldn’t have seen before. This is now a daily practice for me, to really check in with myself and take a moral inventory, so that I am honoring my feelings and I can work through them without denying them access to surface. This is what helps me to continue on as a healthy individual. This allows me to work through the healing process at a much more efficient pace. I also recognize that I once upon a time ago really struggled with reacting before thinking about how to respond. Letting the pressure build up to the point that all I could do was to snap, not even knowing why because I never even considered allowing myself time to work through anything I was going through. Instead I just pushed it all down deep and put one foot in front of the other in an attempt to push forward. It was an unhealthy, but very natural way of life that so many people lead. It is all around us. And reality is, the majority of people, are denying themselves access to their true feelings. That’s part of why vulnerability is so scary for most people. Being vulnerable means we open ourselves up and have to take a real hard look at ourselves. We might just discover something we have been in denial about, that we won’t like, or something we have yet to know about ourselves. We might discover that we are living a lie, or that we have been covering up true feelings because we are worried about judgment. Lately for me, it’s been guilt and selfishness. Those two negative feelings have been keeping me from really honoring or working through feelings I have… because they feel wrong. Once I realized I was not being true to myself, I took the time to identify those negative feelings and work through them… unapologetically. Reality is, it’s important for us to work through our emotions with honesty and respect, even if we don’t agree with them… our feelings are valid. Our feelings are an authentic expression of who we are on a deeper level. So allow yourself to feel the pain, discomfort and negative feelings, because we can’t have the light without the dark.

“I can transform my feelings by being present with them.”
– Gabby Bernstein

Having a daily practice of vulnerability and honoring one’s feelings, gives us the chance to grow beyond what we believe we are capable of. And to really own our feelings, gives us a possibility to improve our self-worth, self-acceptance and self-love. It’s important that we acknowledge our emotions and look deeply at who we are, so that we can be the best versions of ourselves and truly honor who we are as individuals, rather than denying access to what our deepest part of ourselves truly desires. True healing and really honoring oneself fully, comes when we give ourselves permission to feel what we are truly feeling at our core. And though this exercise takes time and lots of practice, a great place to start is to create a safe space, set aside a specific amount of time, and really give yourself that time to be vulnerable and present with yourself. Let the tears flow even. The rest will come in time. So honor yourself, and get to know your inner truth.

Amber T