It’s easy to sit down to write and come up with nothing. I have typed and deleted so many times, and yet still end up staring at a blank page. It’s at those times that I have to go back to basics and remember why I do this. This blog originally started as a way for me to share pieces of my recovery journey and talk about hard things that otherwise are difficult to share. This is also meant as a connection for others to relate to. I know there are parts of my journey that are dark and elicit heavy feelings of shame. When I speak those things out loud, that shame reduces, and the burden starts to lighten. Even more so when you’re in a safe environment to speak freely without judgment. That’s where the real power of healing comes. There are so many things that I can do for myself to aid my overall well-being. It’s my connection to others that levels me up. How do you get there though? It’s hard to connect to others, especially so when we have personal experience of being let down, getting hurt, being betrayed, and any other way that has deterred us from allowing others in. The thing is, once we are in the right environment with the right people, that changes. It takes a lot of trust and courage, in others and within ourselves. How can I even trust myself when I’ve always steered myself wrong? I no longer trust myself on my own. I trust myself with the help and guidance of those I trust who have my best interest at heart and can see things as I am, not as they perceive them. My Higher Power included. I don’t take action without using my tools and reasoning things out with another person. That helps keep me grounded and out of my stinking thinking. I have a history of anxiety, anger and fear driving my thoughts and behaviors. That’s something I have worked really hard to be aware of and change the way I react to the things in my life, my thoughts included. Of course, I still have days where I am compromised and struggle a little more with the negative thinking than I would on a normal day, but I bounce back way quicker than I did in the past. It helps to have so many people I can call to keep me healthy.
Look, I get it, it’s hard to even consider sharing openly with another person those dark thoughts that I feel ashamed of. I was lucky to find a program that specifically creates safe spaces for people to share the hard things. By sharing, I can heal. I have spoken out loud the very things I thought I would take to the grave with me, and I am a better version of myself because I have the courage to speak shameful things. Even when my voice shakes. Shame cannot survive spoken words when spoken in trust.
I imagine for many that the thought of trust makes your stomach turn or chills run up your spine. A small word, yet with big impact. Trust has been the topic this week for me. I talk about trust often, because it’s an important part of the healing process and I know how hard it is to build, especially so after trust has been broken. I hope you give yourself an opportunity to explore why the word trust shakes your core, and that you find forgiveness along the way.
Over the last couple of months, I have finally had the capacity to do some reflection on everything that has occurred over the last two years. I have been taking much needed time to heal and recover Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally, and Spiritually. What a journey it’s been. It’s brought up many feelings and lots of questions. Some of the things that stand out to me are pain, sadness, grief, resilience, forgiveness, serenity, gratitude, and joy. I don’t think I’ll be able to put it into words in a way that can give it justice. What I can do, is share with you pieces of the journey that might offer some clarity. The thing that comes to mind first is to share my most recent doctor’s appointment and some of the challenges I’m still having. Before even going into the doctor’s office, I pretty much begged the doctor’s medical team to have the doctor review my medical history before meeting with me, with the emphasis that I want to rebuild trust to continue my care. My anxiety about that appointment was through the roof, but my therapist had assigned this task as homework for me to do before our next session and I knew it needed to be done. I had reservations though. I didn’t want to be treated the way I had in the past. I wanted them to take my request seriously. I just wanted an opportunity to further my healing. I didn’t want to go in there with my dukes up, but my lived experience through this accident stuff had me not trusting anyone in the primary care department. For a week leading up to the appointment, I was a mess every time it came to mind. I had to continuously use my tools, reason things out with my closest support people, and stay in contact with my Higher Power. By the time the morning came, my nerves were wrecked! I pushed through anyways and rehearsed the Serenity Prayer many times leading up to me standing in front of their building. I took a deep breath and made my way in. Somehow, I stayed fully present through the check-in process and walked step by step to the second floor. I sat there for a moment unable to read or concentrate like I was used to in the past. This time I anxiously got up and paced between entry ways not knowing which direction they would be coming out from, until I settled in a spot that gave me a full view where no one could surprise me. Repeating the Serenity Prayer some more and focusing on my breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. Doing my best to keep my heart rate down. They finally called me back to the exam room, and somehow, through this I still managed to be present with each foot forward. They got my weight and vitals, then I sat down. I remember the gal helping me from prior interactions, she always gave me the vibe that she genuinely cares about what she does so I found myself uncontrollably blurting out “I don’t want to be here”. She responded with compassion and asked me questions, so I went on to explain to her some of my experiences that led to the outburst, and she reassured me, gave me helpful advice, and offered me empathy. I appreciated her response to my reaction. She finally left and told me the doctor would be in shortly. I honestly don’t recall how long it took, but it seemed like he was there pretty quickly. I never did see his face since he had a mask on, but I know in my heart that I will always remember him as the person who saw me. And I mean really saw me. He started with an introduction and pleasantries, and quickly announced that he reviewed my chart and then asked me for a picture of what’s going on. I went on to explain to him the surgical history, the important details about the accident, and my physical symptoms (I don’t need to share more about those), that he needed to know to feel good about processing my request for pelvic floor therapy.
“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.”
– Oprah Winfrey
This doctor was great and truly handled my care with dignity and respect. He saw me as a person and honored everything I have been through since my accident. He validated my anxiety and unease about being in that clinic and told me that I have every right to feel the way I do, and that my PTSD is very real. He verbalized how proud of me he was for getting myself off all the medications and he cleared my med list without pushing more meds on me. I don’t manage my symptoms with narcotics or muscle relaxers anymore; I use a wide array of alternative methods that do not compromise my personality or ability to be present. The list of things I do to help myself to stay healthy is extensive. He asked me some questions to see how much of my daily functioning has been impacted, and he encouraged me to put full effort into the pelvic floor therapy in hopes that I will see improvements. He shared with me the type of practices that may be offered and even shared a personal story of a loved one that regained function after participating in those practices. I felt reassured and hopeful. Then we got into how much of my cognitive functioning has been affected. I shared with him that my therapist was concerned about a TBI. He asked if I hit my head, I said “no”. Then he asked me to share some of the symptoms that lead to that concern. I went on to explain to him that relationships have changed, I don’t recognize familiar people, I forget names and events, I struggle with decision-making and problem solving, words are often hard to find, difficulty expressing thoughts or understanding others, unable to process information, getting overwhelmed easily, forgetting where I am, memory loss, unable to collect thoughts when too much is happening around me, just to name a few. He let me know that the amount of nerve damage I’ve experienced has affected my cognitive functioning and that he cannot guarantee I will get it back but encouraged me to keep doing what I’m doing. I found his approach to me very kind and felt that he met me where I was at by getting on my level. He took the time to understand me instead of just pushing his own will on me or treating me as less than. I am so grateful that I walked into that clinic with courage, and that I asked for what I needed. He helped me regain some hope and trust. Both medical staff I met with gave me the tools I need to get my complex needs met; a much better interaction than I have had in the past.
My journey of recovery and rehabilitation is a work in progress. I continue to find ways to adjust and improve my overall well-being. I find joy more often, that’s good. I have my good days and bad days, and just as I’ve said before, even my bad days mean something. I am blessed that I can walk without assistance. I have a whole community of people standing with me, that I am beyond grateful for. Life as I know it will never be the same, but it is a life worth living after all.
It’s been over two months since I wrote last. I’ve been taking the time I need to recover Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally, And Spiritually (known as PIES). There is still much work to be done. As of now though, my hip is doing well. The surgeon was very optimistic at my 3-month post-op appointment. She even cleared me for exploring alternative low-impact cardio and jogging in the pool. That’s very exciting. I’m still in physical therapy and will be for some time. It’s going good for the most part. I still overdo it occasionally, but overall, I’m finding balance with my hip and my back. Now that the hip is doing well, my nerve damage is prominent, so we are exploring ways to change the way I live with the pain and practicing ways to quiet the nerves signals. We have been doing yoga stretches, and started some nerve desensitization work which has been very challenging. Last week I got about 40 minutes of partial relief using desensitization techniques, and when the relief faded, the pain returned higher than it was before. It took me days to recover from it. On Friday I felt relief during the float tank session I had. I honestly had about 50 minutes of complete pain relief. What they don’t tell you about pain, is that when you have it constantly making noise in your brain and you never get relief, when you finally do get relief, it’s going to hit like a ton of bricks. It’ll flood you with clarity, a new perspective so to speak, high emotions of grief and sadness, solutions to problems, and an abundance of more things to think about. For someone like me who lives with this constant high pain, those pain-free moments are divine. That’s where I connect most with my Higher Power and where I can deeply meditate, to a place of temporary tranquility. It’s the after affects that are the hardest.
You see, I can literally count on both hands the number of hours of pain relief that I have had in the last 534 days. There was the 1 hour after getting a steroid injection in my hip; after the hour was up, my pain became so intense I was bed ridden after. It hurt to stand, walk, or drive. And that night, I bawled like a baby I was so overwhelmed with all of the emotions that hit me during that hour. Then there were the 3 hours I had during my surgery. They gave me the anesthesia (it’s funny, I refused to count down and chatted them all up until I was knocked out), and then I woke up. I may not remember those 3 hours, but I never once had pain on the brain. It’s just a blip of darkness in my memory bank, with no benefit that I can identity outside of the obvious… surgery on the hip. Then there was the 1.5 hours I got this last week. That hour and a half deserves a much better explanation and I’ll tell ya why here shortly. Before then, I want to point out that that is a total of 5.5 hours of pain relief… out of 12,816 hours since the pain started. Feel free to do the math to find out the percentage of time that I live pain-free. And as much as I am grateful for those hours, I hope my share today can offer insight and understanding for those who do not live with chronic pain like this. But maybe you know someone who does. I have been challenged in ways I never thought I’d have to face. I have had to accept things I wish I didn’t have to. Recently it’s even come to my attention that I will never be able to go back to the way things were, because even if I work hard at it, the amount of time it’s going to take me to get to where I’m striving for is going to come with its own set of behaviors, challenges, and trauma. Things I have to be super vigilant about in this journey, or just things I’ll have to overcome when I get to where I’m going. And since my capacity is so limited, I’m not sure I can keep up so there’s bound to be work that needs to be done. It’s going to be really important that I make myself a priority… always. My brain doesn’t work the same way anymore. There are literal times when the pain is so high, I don’t even recognize my surroundings. Collecting a complete thought becomes impossible. I forget words. It’s like I hit a wall and then bam, I’m mush. My brain is different now, and I’m still trying to figure out how to adapt to this new way of life.
“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”
– JK Rowling
Now back to the hour and a half of pain relief I had. I felt this needed more explanation to offer clarity for those interested in deeper understanding. It was time split between two activities. The first was my physical therapy session; as mentioned above, we started working on desensitizing the nerves. I may have received some relief but the after affects might not have been worth it. I’m still taking inventory on that. The days following were very challenging, in all areas of my being. Though I do have the tools I need to do that work at home now, let me make it clear… it is hard work. But I can now introduce the desensitization work into my life, slow and steady. It’s just going to take time. We’ll probably do that work again in PT here in the next few weeks, but the homework I’m doing won’t be nearly as intense as those sessions. Hopefully by that time, I’ll have built up some tolerance by then. The second activity was the float tank. An hour session gives me about 50 minutes of relief, where I literally have no pain as I am floating. I am beyond grateful that I found something that helps me have pain relief in this way so that I can take a mental break when needed. It’s not something I can do all the time right now, but once every couple of weeks is reasonable. I look forward to my next session. In time, I’m positive and hopeful that I’ll find other ways to get relief. Nerve damage is a challenging thing to navigate. I don’t know if I will ever get relief in the sense that I’ll have pain-free days, and that’s a hard thing to accept. But I do plan to continue to work in the direction of healing, whatever that might look like.
As of now, I’m still recovering from that pain-free time from the float tank. My brain is mush. So, I have no choice but to take extra good care of myself. Being that I am a mother and its Mother’s Day, I’m choosing to stay in sweatpants and do nothing short of what I want. In this moment, that’s to write this out so that I can move through to further healing. My hope is to do this again sooner now that I know what I’m up against. Acceptance is something that takes time and practice. I’m grateful for all the opportunities I’ve had that helped me work through this current journey. It allows me to put acceptance into practice with more ease. And when we can practice acceptance, we open up the space for us to have peace and serenity, in the middle of any storm. I encourage you to check out my latest YouTube video above, “Five Seconds of Courage”. I talked about powerlessness. I couldn’t have got myself to this place of clarity so quickly without admitting I was powerless and truly accepting what is. To practice powerlessness is to practice acceptance, and that is hard work. But not impossible. For many of us, powerlessness and acceptance do not come naturally. It takes hard, intentional work to practice those things. It’s like a muscle. You have to use it to build muscle strength and endurance. And if you’re not aware of the fact that you are or are not practicing powerlessness and acceptance, trust me when I say that you are causing harm to yourself and others. It might be time to take a personal inventory. Maybe ask yourself “Am I trying to control the outcome?” or “Is this something I have control over?” or how about “Is this my Higher Power’s will or my own?”. Asking yourself these questions might offer you some insight. I for one, am glad to be in a place where I can identify and let go of the things that are out of my control. I’m glad I have the courage to change the things I can. It sure helps lighten the load of all the burdens I do carry. There’s no point of me carrying burdens that I have no control over. Plus, it helps me stay healthy enough so that I can more easily identify when I’m maybe not operating at my best, so that I can tend to my own needs and continue on in my journey of healing. For now, I will Listen and Learn about myself and the things around me, so that I can mindfully and intentionally grow through what I go through, no matter the difficulties. Stay tuned, the best has yet to come.
Fear and anxiety can at times be crippling. But where do we begin when fear and anxiety have hit that point? Over the years I have gained many tools and support that help me during those times. Most of the time before they become crippling, but not always. Recently I had something come up for me that was emotionally and spiritually important to me, and that fear started to take over. It was a lot of work to continuously overcome those negative thoughts and not let it drive my behaviors. Afterall, fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. Thankfully with the help of my tools and support, it never did hit me in a crippling way. I knew I would regret not listening to my heart so I put in a lot of hard work to ensure that didn’t happen. And I am beyond grateful that I put in the work to take care of myself (over days mind you) and truly prepare myself to be my strongest self before finally having just five seconds of courage to push through my fear and anxiety. Because truth be told, that’s all it takes for us to take big leaps. As many of you might know, fear and anxiety can prevent us from ever getting to the point of having those five seconds of courage. And that’s okay. It’ll be more fulfilling if you put in the work to behave in healthy ways versus reacting out of emotions. For myself, with this particular emotional and spiritual important thing to me (it was an amends to someone), it required that I took time to reflect on my emotions, reflect of my motives, reflect on whether I had any expectations, reflect on whether I am healthy enough in my recovery, reflect on the past, reflect on whether there might be harm done, you name it. There was a lot of work I put in to ensure that I was doing the right thing. During the process, there were many fearful and anxious thoughts that would try to take over. Instead of letting those thoughts live in my head, I handed them over and would say the Serenity Prayer, have a conversation with my Higher Power or a trusted friend, write it out, and truly take care of myself. I gave myself time to understand my fear. I gave myself time to understand my anxiety. And what it came down to was that it was important to me. It makes total sense that through the process I got worked up about possible outcomes. I also know from experience that I could come up with a thousand different scenarios that might happen and not one of them would be correct. The next best thing was to accept that I was powerless over how another person responds to me or how they react. The only thing I have control over are my own actions and words, and it’s important to me that I honor my authentic self. I’ve learned over the years that if I work my recovery, use my tools and support, I have a better chance of coming out stronger and healthier. And let me tell you, that’s exactly what happened. Not only was the experience positive in really big ways, but I also came to really see (and feel) how far I have come over the years. Chasing recovery has a way of really paying off in unexpected ways. Of course, the process is scary and unknown, but trust me when I say, it is totally worth it.
“The best way out is always through.”
– Robert Frost
Recovery often feels like starting all over. Rediscovering who you really are, without hiding behind that one thing that has kept you from being your true, authentic self. To learn new behaviors and beliefs, while placing our problems in its true perspective, allows us an opportunity to grow and heal in really big ways. The longer I practice what I learn and reach out to my support, the more I can see the growth in my life, providing strong support in times of doubt, and bringing me great strength and courage I didn’t have before. I may have been skeptical at first, but I paid attention to what was happening around me, and in my life, bringing me perspective that helped me build trust in myself and in the process of recovery. Time somehow offers us insight and gives us an opportunity to be more informed, so if I can offer you anything, I offer you this… keep showing up to put in the work, giving yourself time to see how it shows up for you in your life. Same when it comes to using new tools… practice the tools for a short time before giving up on them for not working. Just as a new habit takes time to build, learning new behaviors and ways of coping deserves the same time to implement into your life. Give yourself lots of grace and remember that you are a beautifully pieced together masterpiece that came together through Progress, Not Perfection. For me, I look forward to seeing more about how my recovery helps me to keep taking the leap and finding that five seconds of courage it takes to change my life in unexpected (and beautiful) ways!
The last week has been the hardest since the surgery. I was beyond irritable, snapping at everything, and the anger was just building up. I knew something wasn’t right. I made the decision to take myself off of my pain meds. It was necessary. As soon as I was able to be more clear headed, I was hit with waves of grief. I spent two days in bed, trying to feel my feelings. There were lots of tears, and honestly, I’m still working through it all. It always amazes me how grief likes to sneak up when we are at our most vulnerable. Grief is something that I have come to embrace and process in healthy ways. It looks much different now in my life than it did for all the years before my recovery. It was so uncomfortable at first, I wanted nothing to do with it. It was scary, stressful, painful, sad. All things I didn’t want to feel. Nor did I have the tools or support to grieve in any healthy way. After knowing how to shove it down for so many years, being healthy about it was not something I knew anything about. I sure came to learn though how not grieving showed up in my life… through anger, irritability, depression, fear, overthinking, obsession, poor coping. I could go on. What matters now is that I have all the tools and support to help me identify when I’m not doing well and how to move through grief in ways that don’t affect my life in negative ways any longer. Learning about the different stages of grief was a big part of the process of learning to cope in a positive manner. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. And each of those stages has unique ways of working through them. Even after all these years, I still move through the stages of grief of things I thought I’d accepted, and I have to work through the process all over again. You see, grief is overwhelming sadness and a series of goodbyes. It comes in waves. Just when you think that you moved through something, there is a chance of being re-triggered and having to start the process all over again. As long as you are aware enough to come out of denial, you will be able to move through the next stages that much easier. And it truly does get easier each time. The recent days I was feeling irritable, I knew that I was feeling something that I wasn’t processing properly. Every little thing was making me angry and sensitive. By taking myself off of my pain meds, I gave myself the headspace to truly see what was going on. Grief. Grieving something I’ve worked on grieving for many years, and somehow every time I am vulnerable, it comes up again and I’m working through it all over again. Something will pop up and it’s back to step one… back to basics. That’s okay. I sure am grateful that I have the ability to pick myself up when I am back there again, because I’ve come to learn that it’s a normal part of the process of working through our emotions in healthy ways. And you know what? It’s okay to not be okay. As long as we don’t stay there. Grief is meant to visit. It’s what helps us grow. I for one, wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for the grief that I’ve experienced. Grief is proof that love existed and the loss of whatever it is, was painful because that love was there. By denying grief and not working through it properly, we deny love. We deny honoring what the love gave us. Why would we do that? It might be uncomfortable to truly feel grief, I get it. But by denying it, we are denying our true, raw, authentic feelings. So… for the next few days, I plan to take extra care of myself and really feel my feelings. Work through the grief. And honor what it is giving to me. I know it will fade again, as it always does. I also know that the grief will be back again, as it always is. And that’s okay. Because honoring grief, and truly letting it show up in my life, is proof that love existed. That’s something I need because there are more days that I have forgotten that, than there are days I remember it. Just for today, I will go back to basics, taking things one day at a time, accepting I am powerless, and using the tools I have been so blessed to receive.
God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can. And wisdom to know the difference.
– Serenity Prayer
Though grief may not seem like it should be a part of my physical recovery, it plays a much bigger role than you’d think. For me to be intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually healthy, I have to work through it so that I can be strong enough to push through my physical healing. These are important parts of ourselves that need the most tender love and care. Otherwise, I know I risk remaining irritable, angry, and depressed, causing more harm to myself and others around me. If you are struggling with grief, reach out for help. Admit to yourself and someone else that you are struggling. We are not meant to go through grief on our own. Rely on your community, on your family and friends. Let them show up for you. And pray. The grief is worth honoring, no matter what stage or how long ago the loss happened. Grief knows no time limit. If you can practice the things I mentioned above, you will grow, heal, and find gratitude, and that’s a beautiful gift worth working toward.
Through my grief, I have found ways to express myself, self care, and to give back, to ensure I’m honoring everything I’ve received through the healing process and what I’ve learned along the way. I feel called to a higher purpose of sharing my experience, strength, and hope, to help others in their own journey of recovery. And in order for me to be successful in this, I must practice self care every day. An act many of us could do better in. To grieve and grow in healthy ways, we must learn and practice the art of self care. Because self care is the best care we can give ourselves, to help us be successful through the challenging process known as recovery.
It’s hard to know where to start when it’s been so long since I wrote last. I miss writing. The thing is, I’ve had to step way back and focus only on myself. It’s quite the challenge, but absolutely necessary. It’s meant that I have had to give up things I really enjoy. I’ve had to put dreams on hold. I’ve had to step away from relationships that don’t serve me. I’ve had to take a different path completely. I’ve also had to advocate for myself more than ever. I’ve had to work on forgiveness and acceptance. I’ve had to grow in ways I didn’t know I was capable of. Everything probably happened just the way it did so that I could be sitting right here and typing these exact words for you to read. It’s almost uncomfortable but then again, we grow when we are out of comfort zone.
For a little context, 9 months ago today, I had a car accident that turned my life upside down. It still manages to affect me today, in really big ways, but I have managed to get stronger and grow more each day. I don’t cry in pain anymore like I did… most days anyways. I’ve learned to adapt and work around the pain, so that I can continue to live my life and find any joy or serenity. Some days I don’t move and other days I move mountains. But even my days in bed mean something. Those are the days I am recouping my strength to keep on my journey. Some days I amaze myself that I have managed the way I have. I couldn’t have done it without my supportive community, that’s for sure. I am truly grateful for the support and proud of myself for how I have handled everything. Of course, I know this journey is far from over. There will be a lifetime of learning and growth. Afterall, I am an imperfect human being that has much to learn. I am filled with so much gratitude, I sometimes get overwhelmed that I don’t have enough physical energy to express it. The pain I’m in every waking moment, takes everything I have to give. It drains me often. I’ve been in survival mode now for a long time. I am tired. I’ve been tired. Truth is that my recovery saved me…. And continues to save me. If this would have happened 5-10 years ago, I probably would have ended my life. Then again… there have still been some days the thought has crossed my mind. Not as often anymore, but over the last 9 months, it still happened more times than I can count on both hands. A person in excruciating pain like this every day, can’t live a positive or healthy life without a large village of supporters. So, I’ve had to completely expose myself and allow others to pick up where I am not able. Talk about uncomfortable. I have been helped in more ways than I can express… and yet, there were literally still days it wasn’t enough. Giving things up just to have the mental capacity to survive, was all I could do. And there were days when something would take me off guard, or I wasn’t ready for, or were emotionally heavy, or even multiple things at once coming at me, and then it just made me mush. Almost as if I were incapable of functioning. I would literally beg and pray for any relief at that point. Eventually I gave up everything and said “Okay Higher Power, I’m listening…” and was led to where I am today. After that point, every step of the way I have consulted with my Higher Power. I have handed things over, kicking and screaming sometimes, and somehow everything turns out better than okay. And even though there is still quite a ways to go in my physical recovery, I know that my recovery journey is right on track.
The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.
– Confucius
There are still many opportunities for me to work through forgiveness, acceptance, understanding and much more. All I can do is take things One Step At A Time and keep working my recovery. If I go any faster, I will fall backwards. Honestly, this time down with a physical ailment, is a true blessing. I’m sure I would have been much more resistant otherwise. Amazing how things work out the way they do. Now I am mostly stable. I get through each day with my pain. Some days are hard, but I have lots of support and tools to help me through. And… the doctors finally have a plan to help! That part was hard, and likely an area I need to work on forgiveness. Being told repeatedly that the pain is in your head or that it’s only a flare-up is super frustrating. It took everything I had to advocate for myself this whole time. To finally be heard. And to be kind through the process. There is no way someone feels this much pain 24 hours a day and it’s just nothing. I’m glad I was resilient and stood my ground. I’m glad I kept refusing to take no for an answer. Now that I know what’s wrong, there is some relief. I can carve out the time I need to give my body rest. There is anxiety too. Surgery feels like a big deal. Not to mention, my life is not really set up for surgery. It’s not something I even considered really, because for so long I was told something else. But there is so much hope! Hope for recovery. Hope for pain-free days to come. Hope for putting this hardship behind me. I may have to set aside my business, school, friendships, you name it… but in the end, I will be stronger and more capable when it comes time to pick up where I left off. And maybe most wouldn’t understand what I’m going through but it’s pretty incredible that this hardship… this journey… has given me the practice and strength to be unapologetically me. That sure counts for something.
It feels like a lifetime ago that I wrote a blog post (it’s been just over 8 weeks). I imagine it feels that way because of how different life is now. So many things have happened, and my journey isn’t close to over. I don’t want to get into all the nitty gritty details, but let’s just say that my recovery has been put to the test in so many ways and now I’m tired… really, really tired. I have had to step back and take real good care of myself and my family. It was the only option I’ve had for survival. I’ve been mostly stabilized for a few weeks now but reality is, I have a long ways to go before I recover from everything that happened after my car accident. There is much to learn from everything I have gone through. Pain has a way of breaking you down. I’m pretty sure I experienced every emotion possible over the last couple of months (7 months really). There have been many tears shed. Lots of conversations and pleas with my Higher Power. My life has fallen apart completely, and now I can pick up the pieces and rebuild. Honestly, I gave up trying to understand how I have made it through all this and why it all has happened the way it has. All I know, is that my recovery is how I survived. The tools I learned, the support I have, my relationship with God. I didn’t have any of those for a really long time. Everything I have ever been through, prepared me for these times. And it’s amazing to me because I feel stronger than ever. How that’s possible, I have no idea. I know deep in my core that I will come out of this with more strength, courage, wisdom, serenity, confidence, understanding, humility, resilience, fearlessness, perspective, hope, forgiveness, faith, acceptance, gratitude, trust, and so much more. Phew, that was a mouth full. These times have given me great opportunity to put my tools to test. Each time I overcome one of these hardships (and there are lots of hardships), I come out feeling stronger. I come out feeling proud of myself for everything I have learned and being able to put my tools to work. I come out having more trust in myself to do the next right thing. It would be so easy for me to focus on the negatives, but instead my recovery has given me an opportunity to do better. I am a work in progress, yet also a masterpiece.
The greatest gift to give the people you love is your recovery.
-Anonymous
Recovery has given me a beautiful gift. A gift of faith, hope and trust. A gift of peace and joy. When I think about life before recovery, I think of an empty shell. I remember feeling lots of anger, hate, humiliation, insecurities, rejection, anxiousness, submission, inadequacy, worthlessness, jealousy, powerlessness, shame, abandonment, and fear… lots and lots of fear. It was awful. I don’t even know if I knew what anything else felt like. I think I tried. I remember feeling love. But then again, I was so broken, I’m not sure I was capable of accepting love if it hit me square in the face. And because of that, I ended up hurting people I care about. I’ve had to work hard at forgiving myself for that. Thank goodness for a living amends; it’s a gift I can give to myself and others, by never going back to where I was. What more can one do when words are never enough? Now I can proudly say that I have worked hard to overcome my past traumas, so that I don’t repeat the same patterns and poor behaviors I did in the past. Of course, I am still only human, so I make mistakes from time to time, but my past no longer drives my behaviors. I pick myself up and keep working hard to do the next right thing. When I think back to my childhood sexual abuse, being strangled, and even the family disease of alcoholism, I don’t remember the horrible things that happened. Instead, I see hope for change. I see hope for recovery. I see my Higher Power hard at work in every moment and every hardship. This is the priceless gift of recovery. Every… single… day… I fight for my recovery. I protect it as if it is the most precious thing to ever exist. Because without my recovery, I wouldn’t be here today, and I wouldn’t be the person I have come to know and love. I still have a long way to go, but at least I wake up everyday and put in the hard work.
These difficult times I’m going through now are far from over. But I can say with confidence, that I am supported, loved and I will make it through stronger than when it all started. My recovery has given me strength beyond measure. As I mentioned, over the last few months I have experienced many emotions that I did not have the tools to manage before. Now I embrace each feeling and work through it with grace. At times I find it quite challenging. It really just depends on what comes up for me. But this part of my journey was meant to happen just as it has; as if I was meant to get thrown into the trenches, so I could fast track my growth and be the leader of change, I know that I am meant to be. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.
As I said last week, my goal is to write on a weekly basis… so here we are, eight days later. Hey, I’m improving, it wasn’t a month between posts. Go me. I have been giving it thought all week, trying to figure out what I will write about but really putting my fingers to the keyboard seems like the best way to go for now so here goes. I have worked hard this last week to stay on track and really work at getting things in line for this business. It’s nice having something positive to put my feelings into. That is how I got started with this business in the first place. Funny how things come around full circle. I am pretty excited for what is to come. I have worked hard both in this business and on myself these last few years, to really get to this place that I finally feel ready to take this all on. And I do feel ready. Of course I am way nervous, but I know I am capable of doing this. I finally have some confidence. I am a very skilled individual. I also have a lot of people standing behind me, believing in me. That really helps. This week has really been helpful in taking steps forward because I’ve been able to get my production process down and really finetune a lot of details. It’s a work in progress, and it’s coming together, One Step At A Time. Supporting people I care about has been a big part of this process as well. Knowing that sharing my Experience, Strength & Hope helps people I love and care for, makes all the difference. Knowing that people I care about are lacking the support they need in their lives in order to lead more fulfilling lives, is a big motivator for where this business is heading. When I started my recovery journey, I was on my own. I had a few friends that supported me, but I later realized how much I outgrew them because much of the support that was offered, was not healthy which was making matters worse. So I felt even more alone and just had a really hard time finding help. It wasn’t until I found my twelve step program a few years after working to get better, that I finally started to make progress. That really changed things for me because it gave me positive support and lots of tools. Which led to even more support and even more tools. Now I feel supported in many areas of my life, through friends, family, support groups and organizations. It makes all the difference. Knowing I am not alone. Knowing that I can make a phone call and reason things out with another person, helps me to get better and find solutions that work for me, that will help guide me toward positive change. Especially so if my support is healthy, coming from a place of love and selflessness. I strive to be that positive support for others, that I wish I had had when I started my journey. That’s also why this last few weeks have been so difficult for me. I am the one needing support, which means I have not been able to be there fully for people I really care about and I’m having to refill my cup in other, more simple ways. Thankfully everyone understands, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. Though I am blessed to have so many wonderful people who help encourage me and respect my need for healing, that’s pretty amazing. Because right now I am much more sensitive than normal, requiring even more care. One of the most important things that I have learned when it comes to supporting people, especially when it pulls on my heart strings, is to take extra good care of myself so that I can keep being there for people. And setting boundaries so that I am not giving too much of myself. That’s a lot of what I have had to do these last few weeks in order to get better. It’s hard though too because that means I can’t be there at times. Yesterday I wanted so badly to be there for a friend of mine but I just was not able. I am getting better, but the situation hit too close to home for me to be of any help. Instead I had to take extra care of myself and really reflect on my healing. You see, my dear friend made the decision to chase recovery, which meant she had to leave her best friend and partner behind because he is not yet ready to put in the work. I have been through that very same thing… more than once and in varying ways. Having to leave behind a loved one who we so badly want to help and want to have join our journey of recovery, is such a heartbreaking experience. Knowing our loved ones are in pain and there is nothing we can do about it except to take care of ourselves, that’s a hard choice for most to feel good about in the moment. And anyone who is capable of stepping back and letting their loved one figure it out for themselves, while working to be strong enough to be there for them, is such a strong being. To carry the weight of one’s own journey while staying strong for those we love, that is what unconditional love is all about. When I went through similar the first time, I was not healthy about how I chose to fight. I made matters worse. Much worse. I was not capable of detachment or forgiveness, and I had no tools. I just didn’t know any better. I didn’t know that my choices were unhealthy… to me it was normal behavior. Now I know much different. Now I know that we all have our own journey and finding things out for ourselves is how we learn and do better. Nothing I do can make someone do something I want them to, even if it’s for their own good. But I can share my Experience, Strength & Hope, take good care of myself, work my program and really put in the work to get better, showing others that recovery is possible. Because reality is, when someone is not ready, it’s likely they do not have the solutions that work for them and they have no idea where to even start. I get it. I mean really, how does someone do something different from what they know, when they don’t know what else to try because they don’t know it yet? We can’t. Instead we have an opportunity to lead by example and to build healthy support, showing those who are still suffering, that recovery is possible. The journey of recovery, no matter what it looks like or what a person may be in recovery from, it is a challenging and trying experience. You will be tested in ways that will make you want to give up. You will just want the pain to end, and you will beg for relief. You will wish that you were back to being naïve and unaware. And yet something inside you will tell you that you’re on the right path. You will somehow keep pushing forward, putting one foot in front of the other, not knowing where you got the strength. Things will start to become more clear over time, keeping you motivated to stay on track and make better decisions. You will gain phone numbers of people to call, willing to talk things through with you. You will gain Strength, Wisdom and Courage. I know in my heart, that is what my dear friend is doing. This is one of the hardest things she has ever done, but thankfully she has the support and tools to help her be successful in her journey. And now she gets the chance to show her loved one, what that looks like and that it is possible to find contentment, and even happiness, no matter the world around us. I hope that in sharing my story and creating the right message with these candles, I can help more people know that they too can find serenity. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.
Some exciting things are on the horizon. I may have received my first wholesale customer, and I now have two investors! I am so thankful for the faith and confidence that people have in me and my candles. I also have someone who will be working on my website so that when I’m ready to go live, everything will be done! I’m truly blessed to have so many people help me through this process. Next I’ll be working on borrowing a nice camera so I can take more product photos with props! That should be a lot of fun.
As for today, I’m sending off all of the content I have for the website over to the gal who will be handling it. I may head over to the paint department somewhere so I can pick out the color schemes I want. Just gotta find a ride because both of my vehicles are down for the count… again. In the past, I would have been a mess about it… upset and would find a reason to cope poorly about it, but not anymore. In all truth, the last week has been really rough emotionally dealing with no vehicles on top of everything else but instead of taking it poorly, I am embracing the fact that I don’t have to spend money on gas, and am enjoying that I don’t have to drive since I’m having these medical issues and it hurts to drive anyways. Honestly it’s a win-win. Some people keep telling me to sell more candles to get the money to get my vehicles running but here’s the deal, if I take that money and put it into my cars, then it won’t be going into the business. Every penny I make for my candles, has to go back into my candle business in order for this to be successful. That’s how business works. Until I get my start-up costs back, I won’t be keeping any money for myself, not even for my labor time. It’s an investment I’m willing to make.
This is going to be a fun interesting journey and I’m excited to see where it takes me. I just have to remember that the hardships and hurdles are only temporary. The Serenity Prayer helps every time. Also balancing my work, home, family, business and my personal me time, is all key to my success. It’s a work in progress. Feel free to share things that work for you as I could use all the help I can get. Until next time Tender Flame followers.
Well this last week has been quite challenging. It started off with working 5am shifts on little sleep. Working on my fixer upper every day after work until bed time. Three days in a row of that wore on me and I wasn’t even close to done. My muscle help was not readily available so things took me a bit longer than I anticipated so I took Thur/Fri off work to just work on it to alleviate at least that stress and just get it done. Plus my job is stressing me out so I needed a couple days away before I snapped. So I tore apart the engine, pulled the knock sensor, and put it all back together. I cleaned all the parts up, replaced both the lower & upper intake gaskets, both valve cover gaskets, spark plugs & wires, re-loomed some wiring, tightened everything up, had to replace a few bolts and hoses, and had to get crafty with creating my own fuel injector “insulator” aka the grommet that the injectors sit on because one was damaged and it was a spendy special order part from Nissan! I learned a lot of patience with this vehicle. I worked on it in complete silence for about 11 hours on Thursday before I called it quits for the night. Got back to it first thing Friday morning. By noon I had everything back together! I relocated the knock sensor so it wouldn’t be so darn difficult to replace again if necessary. Fired it up and it started the first try! It started smoking right away from the engine compartment and the exhaust so I turned it off immediately. I was not about to have it catch fire or cause more damage. I had my fire extinguisher on standby just in case. Later I remembered that I had got coolant in the fuel by accident when I released the cooling system so it had to burn off. Phew! Started it again and let it burn off. I test drove it around the neighborhood and found that I had fixed the original issue of the exhaust leak and lack of compression going up hills. Buuuuuuuuuut, now I have a hiss coming from under the upper intake thats likely causing my cylinder 2 misfire and rough idle. Myself and my mechanic friend verified all the hoses are good and clamped tight, gaskets are in place properly, and the spark plugs and wires are all good. we both think the grommets need to just be replaced. I’ll find out more on Sunday. At least I got SOMEWHERE with it and it RUNS!! I’m pretty proud of myself. I saved myself a few hundred dollars in labor costs for a mechanic by doing the work myself. Lucky for me, both my dad and one of my best friends taught me a lot about mechanics and I really did pay attention! Still more to do but for now its running. Anyways, I got that taken care of so went about working Saturday to get caught up on my day job uninterrupted. Afterwards, I decided to go to the fair with one of my best friends! It was him, his coworker and myself. We went and walked around for a bit before we were gonna ride rides! Well lucky for us we didnt head straight for rides because my friend started getting winded from walking around so we sat down for him to rest. As we were resting, I realized this situation was worse than just shortness of breath from walking around, he was having chest pains and couldn’t even speak! So I sent his coworker to get a paramedic I had seen just around the corner. He pulled pills out of his pocket so I gave him one not even knowing what they were for. I later found out it was nitro for this exact moment. He took it and then the paramedics came, took his vitals, gave him oxygen and called for help. Backup came quick! Within minutes he was on a gurney and headed to the hospital so I raced down there. His coworker and I got there before the ambulance did. I asked them to update us right away. Well within minutes of their arrival they called a Code Blue!!! I was a mess!! One of my best friends was in there and I had no clue what was happening… completely helpless. All I could do was pray. I prayed so hard. After about 10 minutes someone came to grab us to update us on his condition. He was stable and they were sending him to another hospital because he had a heart attack in the front of his heart… what they call the Widowmaker. There’s a reason they call it that. How scary. His heart stopped twice. Once in the ambulance and again at the hospital. I am so thankful that he is alive! Of course I called him and told him he can’t die on me lol An experience like that really puts things into perspective. The first thing he told me was that this heart attack was a good reminder to never go to bed angry. You never know when your last moment will be. I hope my family, my loved ones, know how much I love them. Which I guess brings me to why I wanted to share this trying week with you.
These last few years have been some of the hardest years I’ve ever had. I mean really hard. And lately things have been extra difficult. There have been many days I didn’t want tomorrow to come because it was just too hard. And yet they still came. All I can do is push through it. I don’t have a choice. I have a family to live for. I have a son to live for. And lucky for me, every time I hit my breaking point, something happens that gives me strength to go on. For instance, how I got started with this whole candle thing in the first place. My family has been affected by alcoholism. In the blink of an eye, without warning, everything changed. That has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. A family that loves each other unconditionally, just lost. It’s devastating for it to just be over without warning when you know the love is there. Alcoholism is a terrible thing. The day I realized what was happening is the day I said my first prayer… February 2nd, 2016. It’s also the day I went to my first meeting. A day I’ll never forget. For the next couple of years when times were hard and when I was so heartbroken that I didn’t want to go on, I did everything I could to stay busy and take my mind off of the easy way out but prayer wasn’t yet something I quite understood and it wasn’t something I did often. I sang, played guitar, worked long hours, played music constantly to distract myself… I crafted, scrubbed my house until there was nothing left to scrub, got out in the garage and built stuff, worked on my car, mowed my lawn, drove for miles and miles, tried to move on, you name it. Nothing was working. Well one day when I was just about to give up, I turned to prayer out of desperation. I prayed for something, anything to help me. It was then that I saw something I just had to try. I got my hands on a DIY candle making kit. When I made my first candle, I knew that was it. That was what I could pour my love into. My heart break into. And it all just came together. However, starting this business has been one of the most trying experiences. Everytime I think I can finally move forward, something else tries to stand in my way. And each time I’ve wanted to just give up. What’s the point right? Yet somehow everytime I hit that point something magical happens and in my darkest of moments, I am given the strength to take another step forward. How it’s been possible is something I didn’t understand at first but now I realize it’s because in those moments, I pray. Every time I want to give up because times are just too difficult to handle and I just want everything to end already, I pray. When I am faced with the most trying of times, I pray. Im finally starting to realize that prayer is powerful. I pray for Serenity. I pray for Courage. I pray for Wisdom. And I pray for Strength. Most of the time I don’t think about praying. I need to figure out how to remind myself to pray more often because without it… well those are definitely my hardest and darkest times. I tend to lose focus on the big picture when all these things happen that keep making everything more challenging. Last time I prayed as hard as I did Saturday was almost two months ago. Two months ago I wanted to give up. I wanted my life to end. I thought that everyone would be better off without me. I thought that I was a failure. I thought that things would just continue to get worse and worse so whats the point. So… I prayed. Nothing happened. I prayed again, nothing happened. And then I thought an awful thought that I convinced myself to not act on and I prayed one last time… desperately. The next day something happened that I wasn’t expecting. Something that I didn’t understand. Something that meant so much to me but yet I was so confused at the same time. And in that moment I was given the strength I needed to survive another day. So, that following Friday night when the work week was over and I could finally breathe, I turned off my phone, locked myself in my house and prayed from Friday to Sunday! I was so thankful that all I could do was pray some more! Praying gave me the strength to trust that everything will be okay and make it through another day. It gave me the strength to get through some of the most challenging obstacles since then. It gave me the courage to stand tall when all I wanted to do was crumble. I have overcame situations that would have normally turned me into a big mess but I persevered and now I am stronger. Saturday I prayed. It helped me hold myself together long enough to save one of my best friends lives! I had no idea about the power of prayer until the day I lost my family to alcoholism. This last couple of years have been by far my hardest and yet I have held myself together enough to gain the strength so I can handle and overcome what’s still to come. Everything truly does happen for a reason, even if I don’t understand. I pray that everything will be okay. I just have to have faith that it will be. I hope and pray that one day I am given the opportunity to tell my loved ones how much I love and care about them. Sometimes things are still really hard and I just want to give up. When I remember, I pray. I just really need to remember more often that when things take a turn, I should pray. This business means a lot to me. It represents the love one has for family and friends. It represents the power of prayer. It represents the trials and tribulations of alcoholism. It represents more than anyone truly knows. I look forward to the day that I can finally kick off and share this experience with the people who matter most to me. So even though things are slow moving, I will do what I can to make this successful because of what it represents.
