progress not perfection – Tender Flame Soy Candles

Posted on March 2, 2023March 3, 2023 by TenderFlameSoyCandles — Leave a comment

Five Seconds of Courage

4-5 min read

Fear and anxiety can at times be crippling. But where do we begin when fear and anxiety have hit that point? Over the years I have gained many tools and support that help me during those times. Most of the time before they become crippling, but not always. Recently I had something come up for me that was emotionally and spiritually important to me, and that fear started to take over. It was a lot of work to continuously overcome those negative thoughts and not let it drive my behaviors. Afterall, fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. Thankfully with the help of my tools and support, it never did hit me in a crippling way. I knew I would regret not listening to my heart so I put in a lot of hard work to ensure that didn’t happen. And I am beyond grateful that I put in the work to take care of myself (over days mind you) and truly prepare myself to be my strongest self before finally having just five seconds of courage to push through my fear and anxiety. Because truth be told, that’s all it takes for us to take big leaps. As many of you might know, fear and anxiety can prevent us from ever getting to the point of having those five seconds of courage. And that’s okay. It’ll be more fulfilling if you put in the work to behave in healthy ways versus reacting out of emotions. For myself, with this particular emotional and spiritual important thing to me (it was an amends to someone), it required that I took time to reflect on my emotions, reflect of my motives, reflect on whether I had any expectations, reflect on whether I am healthy enough in my recovery, reflect on the past, reflect on whether there might be harm done, you name it. There was a lot of work I put in to ensure that I was doing the right thing. During the process, there were many fearful and anxious thoughts that would try to take over. Instead of letting those thoughts live in my head, I handed them over and would say the Serenity Prayer, have a conversation with my Higher Power or a trusted friend, write it out, and truly take care of myself. I gave myself time to understand my fear. I gave myself time to understand my anxiety. And what it came down to was that it was important to me. It makes total sense that through the process I got worked up about possible outcomes. I also know from experience that I could come up with a thousand different scenarios that might happen and not one of them would be correct. The next best thing was to accept that I was powerless over how another person responds to me or how they react. The only thing I have control over are my own actions and words, and it’s important to me that I honor my authentic self. I’ve learned over the years that if I work my recovery, use my tools and support, I have a better chance of coming out stronger and healthier. And let me tell you, that’s exactly what happened. Not only was the experience positive in really big ways, but I also came to really see (and feel) how far I have come over the years. Chasing recovery has a way of really paying off in unexpected ways. Of course, the process is scary and unknown, but trust me when I say, it is totally worth it.

“The best way out is always through.”
– Robert Frost

Recovery often feels like starting all over. Rediscovering who you really are, without hiding behind that one thing that has kept you from being your true, authentic self. To learn new behaviors and beliefs, while placing our problems in its true perspective, allows us an opportunity to grow and heal in really big ways. The longer I practice what I learn and reach out to my support, the more I can see the growth in my life, providing strong support in times of doubt, and bringing me great strength and courage I didn’t have before. I may have been skeptical at first, but I paid attention to what was happening around me, and in my life, bringing me perspective that helped me build trust in myself and in the process of recovery. Time somehow offers us insight and gives us an opportunity to be more informed, so if I can offer you anything, I offer you this… keep showing up to put in the work, giving yourself time to see how it shows up for you in your life. Same when it comes to using new tools… practice the tools for a short time before giving up on them for not working. Just as a new habit takes time to build, learning new behaviors and ways of coping deserves the same time to implement into your life. Give yourself lots of grace and remember that you are a beautifully pieced together masterpiece that came together through Progress, Not Perfection. For me, I look forward to seeing more about how my recovery helps me to keep taking the leap and finding that five seconds of courage it takes to change my life in unexpected (and beautiful) ways!

Posted on December 20, 2021December 21, 2021 by TenderFlameSoyCandles — Leave a comment

Lows come and go…

Almost everyday for over a month now I have sat at this computer screen and attempted to write this blog post. Every single time I have struggled with finding the courage to be vulnerable and actually share anything of value. I was doing so good there for the first month, writing every week. It’s about Progress, Not Perfection right? I was using my tools and calling all my support people. And even though I was going through something heavy, I was still pushing forward. The holidays were making it a little more difficult so I was falling a bit short around then as well, but what really set me back was a car accident. The weekend after Thanksgiving I was rear-ended, leaving me in pain these last few weeks. I’ve lived with chronic pain for 8 years now because of another car accident, and I was getting so much better with my physical therapy and daily yoga. It was finally manageable after all these years. Now after this most recent accident, I am unable to do most of my daily activities and I’m busy with daily exercises, appointments of chiropractic and physical therapy. Then my mental health started to decline. Before the accident I was doing my best to keep my head up high even though I was battling depression, but once I was in high pain again like before, I just couldn’t push through it anymore. Now I am susceptible to exposure in any situation because in any moment I might breakdown and cry, because being in pain and having to do all the things, just doesn’t seem possible and it’s extremely overwhelming. I keep getting stuck in the thought that I am going to feel this way for years to come and it just makes everything else feel so much heavier. I am so truly grateful for all of the support that I have had this last month. The support who have driven me to my appointments, cleaned my house, gone grocery shopping for me, bought us gifts, listened to me when I was hitting my lows. That first couple weeks after the accident were a test for me. Accepting help is not something I have ever done well. And asking for help was even more foreign. Now here I am these last few weeks, getting in lots of practice because my only other choice would be to hurt myself trying to take care of everything on my own like I normally do. Accepting and asking for help is extremely vulnerable for me. And frankly that has been the only type of vulnerability I could handle this last month, making it difficult for me in other areas of my life. Anything outside of my immediate pain, I have had to set aside my healing or growth so that I can focus on my physical healing, because I do not want to live with this pain for years like I did with my last accident, nor have I had the mental capacity to handle anything outside of that. I want to heal and recover, so that I can excel in my future goals, not hurt myself. Pain has a way of bringing a person down. Even the strongest of people will break down when the pain is coupled with too many of life’s burdens. Anyone who lives with chronic pain might understand that sometimes when it gets bad enough, we just want it to end because thinking about living with that pain for years to come, seems unbearable. Nobody wants to think that way, but that’s a reality for those of us who have pain we don’t know how to heal, with no resolve. I’ve had to give myself space to accept that in order for me to get better, I have to move really slow, focus on myself, and really advocate for my care. I have to set aside all of my goals and adjust my plan to work only on the things that will help my recovery, not hinder it. My mind wants to move fast and just be done with it all, and sometimes even want to give up because recovery doesn’t seem possible and I’m exhausted from trying to be heard, but I know that is not true, that I will get better and that my pain is not in my head. So I’ve had to be extra kind with myself and slow down to a pace I didn’t know I was capable of. And with this new pace of mine, I am finding that I am constantly out of my comfort zone; having to say no more often, asking for & accepting help, not accomplishing things I normally would, and just all around having to re-prioritize things. I know that with all of this comes growth, and I am looking forward to getting better and sharing it all with you. It’s just been quite the journey, showing me just how blessed I am to have all the tools and support that I do. I wouldn’t be able to do this and recover the way that I am, if it wasn’t for that. In the past I probably would have fallen much farther back. Instead I am focusing on my long-term recovery, healing my body and mind equally. I am so glad too because slowly I am getting a little better. In the past I wouldn’t have had the support or resilience to push through and get the answers needed in order to get better. I would have given up the first time I got frustrated. Slowly I am getting answers to the next steps I have to take for a full recovery. Slowly I am learning new tools and really finding out what it means to be vulnerable in other areas of my life. It is vulnerable to ask for and accept help. It is vulnerable to call a friend in tears because you are hurting. It is vulnerable to say “I am not capable” of something you’ve done a thousand times before. It is vulnerable to say “I’m focusing on me right now” because brain fog is a real thing; I couldn’t focus on anything else if I wanted to. It is vulnerable to tell your doctor over and over again that you are hurting. It is vulnerable to admit that you are not okay. And it is okay to not be okay. It’s about what we do when we are down. It’s even okay to stay there for a short while. What’s important is that we get up, even if that means we have to take someone’s hand to pull us up, and we put one foot in front of the other, taking things One Step At A Time if we have to. And what’s so wonderful about it all, is that through recovery these last few years, I have found an army of amazingly strong people who are willing to help lift me up when I am down, and walk through the journey with me so that I am not doing it, nor feel like I have to, on my own. There were times in my life that I did not have the support I do now. Instead I surrounded myself around folks who were not healthy and only concerned about themselves or their agendas. They were not capable of helping others. I accepted poor behavior and unhealthy friendships because it was all I knew and their behavior was ‘normal’ to me. It wasn’t until I separated myself, worked my own recovery, and started setting healthy boundaries, did I know that I deserved to be surrounded around folks who genuinely cared about me and my wellbeing. I sure am glad to know different now. One thing I have come to learn is that good things always come when I put in the hard work to be the best version of myself. That goes the same with my recovery, those people in my life, and this project. I get what I give. If I give myself only the best, I will receive the best in return. I am so grateful that I finally learned that I am deserving of only the best, and I know what that looks like now more than ever. Sure took me long enough. I also get how hard it is to see any different when we are in the thick of it. I’ve been there. It gets better… it really does. If you work for it. There will always be setbacks. Life will always show up and give us something that is heavy. With lots of time, practice and the right support, those heavy things life throws at us, become lighter and lighter because we no longer carry it alone. Thank you to all of my support who have helped me this last few weeks, months and years really. Because of the support you offer me, I am able to pick up these setbacks and keep moving forward, without everything feeling as heavy as I once remember. Lows come and go, but our growth stays with us always. This entire experience, even in the worse of pain, has helped motivate me and reminded me why I am on this path to bring support and hope to those who are feeling hopeless and unsupported. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.

Posted on August 11, 2021August 11, 2021 by TenderFlameSoyCandles — Leave a comment

Breaking the Cycle

A perfect title for the work that I am doing and for how I try to help the people. Part of what I do to help people is to get to the root cause of why the individual is living an unfulfilled life. I work to help them figure out how their traumas correlate with their unhealthy coping habits of drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, food, you name it. And in the process, we talk about change and how to break the cycle, by sharing new tools to try. It doesn’t stop there though… I work with folks over time by spending time with them and following up on how the tools are working, what things came up, how are they feeling. We just keep going and going until eventually they decide they want to get better. It’s a pretty amazing process. Not an easy process by any means, and definitely doesn’t happen over night. Some people I have partnered with for years. The amazing part is that I get to watch them get better, in the best of ways. I watch them practice new tools and work on building healthier habits. I watch individuals break the cycle all the time. I watch people be vulnerable and courageous in taking back control of their lives, even when it’s really, really hard. I get to stand side-by-side them when the good, bad and ugly occur. All through just giving them my time and sharing my Experience, Strength & Hope. By letting people know they are not alone in their traumas, they are getting better. And it’s worth be vulnerable to watch another person grow.

Last night I had a pretty incredible conversation with a gal I’ve known now for about 2 years. She is someone who has been struggling with drug addiction for quite a few years now and has even lost her daughter to her family. She has been back and forth in recovery but most recently has been back to using. I’ve been partnering with her by helping talk about the family dynamic, the traumas and sharing new tools to try. I spend my time just listening to her and giving her a listening ear. She called me yesterday to let me know that she is back to being motivated and is not using at this time! She is considering going back to treatment and wants to get her life back in order… she wants to Break the Cycle. We had a really good chat about her family. Her learned behaviors are all she has known the majority of her life. That’s something I can relate with. When what we know comes from our family homes growing up and then all of the traumas alone the way, we learned some pretty poor behaviors that we have been living in most of our lives, and those behaviors take time and a lot of hard work to overcome. I always work to remind folks to be patient and compassionate with themselves because we can’t just change over night. I look forward to working with her further and seeing where she goes. Personally I am an individual who works really hard to overcome my traumas and grow as a person, and I still fall back to my old behaviors from time to time. We are all only human. It’s about Progress, Not Perfection.

I am pretty grateful that I get to be on this journey with folks. They are people I have come to care for. They are community members who turned to coping in ways to help them survive the best they knew how. Part of my goal with this business, is to continue helping people to break the cycle by gaining more trainings and bringing individuals into the candle business to partner with them, helping them find a purpose. I sure have quite the journey ahead of me, that’s for sure. After years of never feeling good enough, I now have to put myself out there and really get this business going. Working with folks and seeing their vulnerability helps me be more courageous. Stay tuned followers!