Almost everyday for over a month now I have sat at this computer screen and attempted to write this blog post. Every single time I have struggled with finding the courage to be vulnerable and actually share anything of value. I was doing so good there for the first month, writing every week. It’s about Progress, Not Perfection right? I was using my tools and calling all my support people. And even though I was going through something heavy, I was still pushing forward. The holidays were making it a little more difficult so I was falling a bit short around then as well, but what really set me back was a car accident. The weekend after Thanksgiving I was rear-ended, leaving me in pain these last few weeks. I’ve lived with chronic pain for 8 years now because of another car accident, and I was getting so much better with my physical therapy and daily yoga. It was finally manageable after all these years. Now after this most recent accident, I am unable to do most of my daily activities and I’m busy with daily exercises, appointments of chiropractic and physical therapy. Then my mental health started to decline. Before the accident I was doing my best to keep my head up high even though I was battling depression, but once I was in high pain again like before, I just couldn’t push through it anymore. Now I am susceptible to exposure in any situation because in any moment I might breakdown and cry, because being in pain and having to do all the things, just doesn’t seem possible and it’s extremely overwhelming. I keep getting stuck in the thought that I am going to feel this way for years to come and it just makes everything else feel so much heavier. I am so truly grateful for all of the support that I have had this last month. The support who have driven me to my appointments, cleaned my house, gone grocery shopping for me, bought us gifts, listened to me when I was hitting my lows. That first couple weeks after the accident were a test for me. Accepting help is not something I have ever done well. And asking for help was even more foreign. Now here I am these last few weeks, getting in lots of practice because my only other choice would be to hurt myself trying to take care of everything on my own like I normally do. Accepting and asking for help is extremely vulnerable for me. And frankly that has been the only type of vulnerability I could handle this last month, making it difficult for me in other areas of my life. Anything outside of my immediate pain, I have had to set aside my healing or growth so that I can focus on my physical healing, because I do not want to live with this pain for years like I did with my last accident, nor have I had the mental capacity to handle anything outside of that. I want to heal and recover, so that I can excel in my future goals, not hurt myself. Pain has a way of bringing a person down. Even the strongest of people will break down when the pain is coupled with too many of life’s burdens. Anyone who lives with chronic pain might understand that sometimes when it gets bad enough, we just want it to end because thinking about living with that pain for years to come, seems unbearable. Nobody wants to think that way, but that’s a reality for those of us who have pain we don’t know how to heal, with no resolve. I’ve had to give myself space to accept that in order for me to get better, I have to move really slow, focus on myself, and really advocate for my care. I have to set aside all of my goals and adjust my plan to work only on the things that will help my recovery, not hinder it. My mind wants to move fast and just be done with it all, and sometimes even want to give up because recovery doesn’t seem possible and I’m exhausted from trying to be heard, but I know that is not true, that I will get better and that my pain is not in my head. So I’ve had to be extra kind with myself and slow down to a pace I didn’t know I was capable of. And with this new pace of mine, I am finding that I am constantly out of my comfort zone; having to say no more often, asking for & accepting help, not accomplishing things I normally would, and just all around having to re-prioritize things. I know that with all of this comes growth, and I am looking forward to getting better and sharing it all with you. It’s just been quite the journey, showing me just how blessed I am to have all the tools and support that I do. I wouldn’t be able to do this and recover the way that I am, if it wasn’t for that. In the past I probably would have fallen much farther back. Instead I am focusing on my long-term recovery, healing my body and mind equally. I am so glad too because slowly I am getting a little better. In the past I wouldn’t have had the support or resilience to push through and get the answers needed in order to get better. I would have given up the first time I got frustrated. Slowly I am getting answers to the next steps I have to take for a full recovery. Slowly I am learning new tools and really finding out what it means to be vulnerable in other areas of my life. It is vulnerable to ask for and accept help. It is vulnerable to call a friend in tears because you are hurting. It is vulnerable to say “I am not capable” of something you’ve done a thousand times before. It is vulnerable to say “I’m focusing on me right now” because brain fog is a real thing; I couldn’t focus on anything else if I wanted to. It is vulnerable to tell your doctor over and over again that you are hurting. It is vulnerable to admit that you are not okay. And it is okay to not be okay. It’s about what we do when we are down. It’s even okay to stay there for a short while. What’s important is that we get up, even if that means we have to take someone’s hand to pull us up, and we put one foot in front of the other, taking things One Step At A Time if we have to. And what’s so wonderful about it all, is that through recovery these last few years, I have found an army of amazingly strong people who are willing to help lift me up when I am down, and walk through the journey with me so that I am not doing it, nor feel like I have to, on my own. There were times in my life that I did not have the support I do now. Instead I surrounded myself around folks who were not healthy and only concerned about themselves or their agendas. They were not capable of helping others. I accepted poor behavior and unhealthy friendships because it was all I knew and their behavior was ‘normal’ to me. It wasn’t until I separated myself, worked my own recovery, and started setting healthy boundaries, did I know that I deserved to be surrounded around folks who genuinely cared about me and my wellbeing. I sure am glad to know different now. One thing I have come to learn is that good things always come when I put in the hard work to be the best version of myself. That goes the same with my recovery, those people in my life, and this project. I get what I give. If I give myself only the best, I will receive the best in return. I am so grateful that I finally learned that I am deserving of only the best, and I know what that looks like now more than ever. Sure took me long enough. I also get how hard it is to see any different when we are in the thick of it. I’ve been there. It gets better… it really does. If you work for it. There will always be setbacks. Life will always show up and give us something that is heavy. With lots of time, practice and the right support, those heavy things life throws at us, become lighter and lighter because we no longer carry it alone. Thank you to all of my support who have helped me this last few weeks, months and years really. Because of the support you offer me, I am able to pick up these setbacks and keep moving forward, without everything feeling as heavy as I once remember. Lows come and go, but our growth stays with us always. This entire experience, even in the worse of pain, has helped motivate me and reminded me why I am on this path to bring support and hope to those who are feeling hopeless and unsupported. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.
Category: Part of the Journey
Recovery is possible.
As I said last week, my goal is to write on a weekly basis… so here we are, eight days later. Hey, I’m improving, it wasn’t a month between posts. Go me. I have been giving it thought all week, trying to figure out what I will write about but really putting my fingers to the keyboard seems like the best way to go for now so here goes. I have worked hard this last week to stay on track and really work at getting things in line for this business. It’s nice having something positive to put my feelings into. That is how I got started with this business in the first place. Funny how things come around full circle. I am pretty excited for what is to come. I have worked hard both in this business and on myself these last few years, to really get to this place that I finally feel ready to take this all on. And I do feel ready. Of course I am way nervous, but I know I am capable of doing this. I finally have some confidence. I am a very skilled individual. I also have a lot of people standing behind me, believing in me. That really helps. This week has really been helpful in taking steps forward because I’ve been able to get my production process down and really finetune a lot of details. It’s a work in progress, and it’s coming together, One Step At A Time. Supporting people I care about has been a big part of this process as well. Knowing that sharing my Experience, Strength & Hope helps people I love and care for, makes all the difference. Knowing that people I care about are lacking the support they need in their lives in order to lead more fulfilling lives, is a big motivator for where this business is heading. When I started my recovery journey, I was on my own. I had a few friends that supported me, but I later realized how much I outgrew them because much of the support that was offered, was not healthy which was making matters worse. So I felt even more alone and just had a really hard time finding help. It wasn’t until I found my twelve step program a few years after working to get better, that I finally started to make progress. That really changed things for me because it gave me positive support and lots of tools. Which led to even more support and even more tools. Now I feel supported in many areas of my life, through friends, family, support groups and organizations. It makes all the difference. Knowing I am not alone. Knowing that I can make a phone call and reason things out with another person, helps me to get better and find solutions that work for me, that will help guide me toward positive change. Especially so if my support is healthy, coming from a place of love and selflessness. I strive to be that positive support for others, that I wish I had had when I started my journey. That’s also why this last few weeks have been so difficult for me. I am the one needing support, which means I have not been able to be there fully for people I really care about and I’m having to refill my cup in other, more simple ways. Thankfully everyone understands, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. Though I am blessed to have so many wonderful people who help encourage me and respect my need for healing, that’s pretty amazing. Because right now I am much more sensitive than normal, requiring even more care. One of the most important things that I have learned when it comes to supporting people, especially when it pulls on my heart strings, is to take extra good care of myself so that I can keep being there for people. And setting boundaries so that I am not giving too much of myself. That’s a lot of what I have had to do these last few weeks in order to get better. It’s hard though too because that means I can’t be there at times. Yesterday I wanted so badly to be there for a friend of mine but I just was not able. I am getting better, but the situation hit too close to home for me to be of any help. Instead I had to take extra care of myself and really reflect on my healing. You see, my dear friend made the decision to chase recovery, which meant she had to leave her best friend and partner behind because he is not yet ready to put in the work. I have been through that very same thing… more than once and in varying ways. Having to leave behind a loved one who we so badly want to help and want to have join our journey of recovery, is such a heartbreaking experience. Knowing our loved ones are in pain and there is nothing we can do about it except to take care of ourselves, that’s a hard choice for most to feel good about in the moment. And anyone who is capable of stepping back and letting their loved one figure it out for themselves, while working to be strong enough to be there for them, is such a strong being. To carry the weight of one’s own journey while staying strong for those we love, that is what unconditional love is all about. When I went through similar the first time, I was not healthy about how I chose to fight. I made matters worse. Much worse. I was not capable of detachment or forgiveness, and I had no tools. I just didn’t know any better. I didn’t know that my choices were unhealthy… to me it was normal behavior. Now I know much different. Now I know that we all have our own journey and finding things out for ourselves is how we learn and do better. Nothing I do can make someone do something I want them to, even if it’s for their own good. But I can share my Experience, Strength & Hope, take good care of myself, work my program and really put in the work to get better, showing others that recovery is possible. Because reality is, when someone is not ready, it’s likely they do not have the solutions that work for them and they have no idea where to even start. I get it. I mean really, how does someone do something different from what they know, when they don’t know what else to try because they don’t know it yet? We can’t. Instead we have an opportunity to lead by example and to build healthy support, showing those who are still suffering, that recovery is possible. The journey of recovery, no matter what it looks like or what a person may be in recovery from, it is a challenging and trying experience. You will be tested in ways that will make you want to give up. You will just want the pain to end, and you will beg for relief. You will wish that you were back to being naïve and unaware. And yet something inside you will tell you that you’re on the right path. You will somehow keep pushing forward, putting one foot in front of the other, not knowing where you got the strength. Things will start to become more clear over time, keeping you motivated to stay on track and make better decisions. You will gain phone numbers of people to call, willing to talk things through with you. You will gain Strength, Wisdom and Courage. I know in my heart, that is what my dear friend is doing. This is one of the hardest things she has ever done, but thankfully she has the support and tools to help her be successful in her journey. And now she gets the chance to show her loved one, what that looks like and that it is possible to find contentment, and even happiness, no matter the world around us. I hope that in sharing my story and creating the right message with these candles, I can help more people know that they too can find serenity. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.
Stepping out…
It’s been a while since I wrote. I’ve been going through a lot. I honestly don’t even know where to begin to share really, but the reality is, I have to just start putting my fingers to the keyboard and let things flow. Part of my mission is to be vulnerable and share my journey, in hopes to help other people and to support this mission of change. By sharing my recovery story, I hope to help educate and give people understanding about how our untreated trauma can affect all areas of our lives without even realizing it’s happening. The goal is to keep up on at least one blog post a week, a few short Facebook posts, and maybe some Instagram or TikTok… I haven’t decided yet. But maybe me putting it out there will help keep me accountable, we’ll see. I’m confident that it will all come together in time.
Anyways, so here’s the deal, I am officially capped out. I have nothing left to give. I am making a conscious decision to Keep It Simple… for now. By focusing on me, my recovery and this project, I will heal and get better, so that I am better able to be there for others the way I am meant to be. The thing is, with all the things I am going through, and some most recent happenings, if I don’t slow down, I may relapse. I feel the urge to go back to my old coping habits of anger and destruction. No, thank you. I would much rather choose a healthier path, so instead I am focusing on Gratitude, Trust, Vulnerability and Forgiveness. Four very important virtues that I am still trying to figure out. Part of my journey is to understand and actively practice them in all aspects of my life. In doing so, I will be a healthier version of me. It makes sense though, that anger and destruction are where I want to go back to… it’s what I have known all my life. Growing up in an alcoholic home came with a lot of poor coping habits of not handling our emotions in healthy ways… and we definitely didn’t talk about our feelings. There was no positive communication or addressing conflict in healthy ways. It didn’t exist. To no fault of anyone. They are just not skills any of us ever had. It’s something now that I work hard at every day to change in positive ways. Through the work in my program, I have found new ways of expressing myself. I write a lot about that piece of my journey in my earlier posts. I would encourage all of my readers to check out my other posts over the years. It’ll give you some perspective into who I am on a deeper level and you’re likely to find some helpful tools. Perspective is where I really started to open up.
Throughout my time in recovery, I have been working extra hard to overcome (and grow) from the affects of alcoholism in the home and relationships, domestic violence, childhood sexual abuse, work traumas, mental health issues, chronic pain, single-momhood, and so much more. Those top three things are what has really driven my behaviors for so many years, causing the highest level of trauma. Now that I’m in recovery, all I have ever known has changed. It’s all new, uncomfortable and yet feels good. Proof that we do recover. Which is funny because most people hear recovery, and they think recovery from drugs and alcohol. No one ever thinks about the fact that a person has to recover from years of childhood sexual abuse by a family member and the many years of poor coping that follows. And that’s because it goes untalked about and is misunderstood. Just like alcoholism in the home… the family disease that no one ever talks about. Just like domestic violence… it goes untalked about, unreported. Imagine having multiple of these things piling up over years and years, and how damaging it can be to someone’s self-worth, never actually working through it in healthy ways. Yeah, pretty bad right? That’s where I’ve been… until the last few years anyways. Back in January things were getting pretty heavy for me… and dark. Scary dark. I started having really unpleasant, suicidal thoughts. It was a pretty scary time, and honestly sometimes still can be. It’s a work in progress. At least now I know how to pick up the phone and reach out when I start making my way down the dark rabbit hole that does me no good to visit. I used to live there. I am so grateful I made a decision to get better. It’s been quite the journey. But for the first time in all my years of living in trauma, I now no longer go straight to not feeling good enough or feeling unworthy. At least now I give myself space to use the tools I’ve learned and really heal. It’s taken a lot of practice and hard work to get to a place I am able to do that first and foremost… now it is just second nature. It was so much harder to do when I was stuck feeling like I wasn’t enough. For too long I let my self-worth be measured by others. It makes sense though given the fact that safety was taken away from me when I was just a young girl, I grew up in a home where my voice did not matter, I was constantly told that I would never amount to anything, and throughout my lifetime I have been treated/assaulted in ways that made me feel completely insignificant. And when a person is low enough, they accept unacceptable behaviors, making them feel even worse over and over again. Oh the things that will be discussed in time. For now I will focus on why I am sharing all this with you today… Moving forward, I will be sharing details about things I have worked through in my recovery, which can be quite triggering for some, and healing for others. Throughout the year I have worked hard to cope through clusters of my trauma in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing) Therapy; it’s basically a fast track, reframing the trauma and mindset, to more positive thinking/self-talk, reducing the need for many years of talk therapy. So far I have worked through my long-term childhood sexual abuse by a family member, a prior relationship with an alcoholic, and a DV event where I was strangled. Those were all pretty intense traumas that I worked hard to stuff down for a lot of years because I didn’t have the skill to work through them in healthy ways. I did the best I could. I had slowly accepted those things happened to me and that I was getting better, but through the EMDR therapy, I have come out so much stronger and with a much higher level of awareness and growth in healthy ways. It’s a blessing really. I know I am getting better because those are things I am able to talk about now. Maybe not always with ease, but I can do it without the pain they once caused me. I still have quite a bit to work through, and I’ll share along the way if I am feeling up to it. As of a few weeks ago, I switched over to regular talk therapy while I work to navigate a recent traumatic event that caused a pretty significant trigger, which as you can probably imagine, has me at a place that I have no choice but to take care of me before I have a complete breakdown. Triggers are funny like that. While I’m trying to work through feeling my feelings with the traumatic event, it’s causing me more awareness in areas I was not expecting to have to face like this from another event that surfaced and intensifies what I’m going through. And there’s no going back now. I am going to embrace this opportunity for growth, but it is really, really uncomfortable. Which means I have to take extra good care of myself, so that I don’t fall back into that negative self-talk of “I am not good enough” or “I am unworthy”… “I am unlovable”… “I am pathetic”… the list goes on and on. Being there mentally is exhausting. Battling that negative self-talk, also exhausting. It gets even worse when unhealthy, toxic people try to project their negative stuff onto you, which they do because they are uncomfortable within themselves. However, my history of being a people pleaser who likes to carry everyone’s burdens, is a recipe for disaster for those types. I always lose. I sure am glad that I know more about boundaries and detachment now. I am blessed to have my lived experience and extensive toolbox, as they help me be the person I am today.
Thankfully I have great support and I have spent the last couple of weeks setting myself up with the right support people for what I need right now, and I am going to face what I am going through head-on. I sure am proud of my strength. Even when I want to give up, run away, or worse crosses my mind, I put one foot in front of the other and take One Step at a Time. I continue to show up… maybe not with bells on, but I show up and give all I’ve got. We are all survivors. We all only know what we know. It’s important to always be kind to ourselves. Give yourself space to understand who you are as a person. Making a decision to do better is where our power lives. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.
Here is some helpful information about EMDR Therapy in case you are interested in how it works. https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/
Acceptance and trust…
That’s been the theme of my life these last few weeks. It’s been really challenging but also has come with a lot of growth. I’ve had more tears than usual that’s for sure. Acceptance is a lot easier for me. It’s something that I’ve worked hard at these last few years. It was a foreign concept before then. Trust on the other hand. That is new. To trust that everything will be okay… to trust that someone is genuine… to trust that I deserve the good things that are happening in my life… to trust myself… these are all things that I fight myself on constantly. I am grateful that I have any level of awareness about trust and have improved my relationship with my Higher Power, otherwise I’m not so sure it’d be as possible as it has been. My mirror reminders are super helpful too. Not to mention the amazing support system that I have developed. You see, I spent the majority of my life surrounding myself around poor quality individuals and accepting much less than I deserved… people wanted to take advantage of me. And they did, let me tell you. So these last five or so years have been rough because I have only allowed very few people in… everyone else has had no possibility of even coming close to me letting my walls down. Now that I trust myself more and have grown as a person, that’s changing. And every time I let my wall down even just a smidge, I cry. It’s so challenging for me to allow myself to be vulnerable. I have been on my own now for so long, and I have been broken for even longer… to trust that someone is not going to take advantage of me, takes every atom in my body to hold myself together and not just run as far away as possible. Just the thought of it has me tearing up. Since trust has been the theme of my life lately, I am extremely sensitive to any situation where I have to trust and be vulnerable. So I just cry. I allow the tears. Sometimes I have to work really hard to hold them back. Not today. Today I let a few tears out here and there, and then when I got home, I bawled. For like an hour. In the moment I was having a hard time being positive. I was wanting to give up on trust. In my brain, everything would have been a lot easier if I could just sell everything I own, run away to another state and never look back. Give up on this whole endeavor. Give up on my friends. Give up on the idea of ever dating again. Give up on helping people in my community. That was a pretty crummy place to be in at that moment… so I just cried. Because the reality is, I want trust. I want what trust has to offer. But trust is not something I am used to. Trust is not easy for someone with the level of trauma that I have. Of course I’m working through it all, but it doesn’t mean I don’t fall sometimes. And I always pick myself up. You see, I work with people almost daily in helping them overcome their own traumas and not getting in their own way of living a fulfilled life. I’d be a total hypocrite if I just ran away. Instead that motivates me. It helps me push through and continue the journey of helping people… being able to help walk with someone in their journey. I teach what I learn, and I also share what I go through as a way to help other people because I can relate to these feelings of shame, guilt, fear, embarrassment, insignificance, worthlessness, abandonment, emptiness, rejection, anxiety, humiliation, anger, resentment, loneliness, the list goes on. And I always try to imagine what it is that I would want from someone that I never got in this journey, and then offer that. Sometimes it’s hard because I’m blessed with this level of awareness that I get to help bring out in other people, whom which are fighting for exactly what I am working through. So I get to be a persons rock, when I need a rock for myself. And these amazingly strong and beautiful people I support, end up holding me up without even knowing it. They push through and don’t even realize how inspiring they are for doing the very thing that is keeping them surviving. And they don’t see it because they get tore down by everyone else in their path. They get barked demands that are unreasonable and not possible for someone with lots of trauma. I’m just grateful that I have come to… I have seen what living in an alcoholic home has done to myself and my family. I have seen what being raped and molested by a family member does to our behaviors, poor coping and accepting of really crappy people and relationships in our lives. I know firsthand what abandonment, single mom-hood, domestic violence, being low-class or bullied, losing important relationships, being strangled, living with chronic pain, can do to a person. There are so many people walking around refusing to accept the fact that these terrible things have happened to them and then they are treating other people terribly. They are contributing to this awful cycle of abuse and they don’t even realize it. No level of awareness at all. And what’s crazy, is that I used to be one of those people. I used to surround myself with those people. And as soon as I got my head out of my butt, started reaching out and taking better care of myself, everything changed. Now I live this crazy, overwhelmingly fulfilling life. Literally I cry all the time just waiting for the shoe to drop. I cry because I can’t believe something positive it happening for me. I even sometimes feel like a fraud because how could anything good happen to me, when I was one of those negative, crappy people for so many years?! It has taken so much acceptance and trust, for me to push through and allow myself to welcome these new, out of my comfort zone feelings, things and people. I also never want to go back to being that empty, angry, submissive little girl, that was capable of hurting other people. Not after experiencing such amazing things. And though this endeavor that I’m on is challenging and just makes me want to scream sometimes, I will continue to push through and fight for what I know is the right thing for myself, my friends and family, and my community. Spreading hope and helping bring awareness to recovery in its many forms, is what is going to help me and anyone struggling with their own traumas or addiction. We grow when we know we are not alone. Stay tuned followers… the best really has yet to come.
What is recovery?
That is the question that was asked of me during my first day of training as a Recovery Coach. The answer seemed a lot easier when writing it in the workbook, at least it seemed easier up until I was asked to write my Recovery Journey anyways. I’ve had to really give it some thought so I’ve just been sitting in this hotel room trying to get lost in my thoughts by reflecting on what my Recovery Journey looks like to me. I have been on my journey now for three years. I have learned so many things and come so far, and I’ve also been writing about my journey in this blog that whole time. Though I don’t actually talk much about many of the details that get me to the new tools or healthy coping. Instead I’ve always been fearful of doing that without knowing who was reading so I’ve just left those details for my face-to-face interactions with people in my community and in my life, as a way to keep myself safe from judgment. For me I guess in order to put down on paper what my Recovery Journey is, it starts with asking myself “in what ways do I believe I am in recovery?”. I often tell people I am in recovery from my codependency and attraction to chaos. But reality is, it is so much deeper than that. Those are just symptoms. I am in recovery from the affects of growing up in an alcoholic home, being sexually abused as a child by a family member, the affects of alcoholism in my relationships and work places, as well as my past sexual assaults in my adult years, the affects of being strangled, emotionally abused, in recovery for my mental health (depression, anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD), homelessness, single-motherhood and physically for chronic pain from a prior car accident. With each of those major events were unhealthy learned behaviors that I am now working hard towards unlearning in order to be healthy. I work an active 12 step program where I am active in service, have a sponsor, and I work the Steps, Traditions & Concepts. I also have a therapist and do active talk therapy & EMDR sessions to work through some of the bigger events in my life that had the most harmful and unhealthy learned behaviors, so that I can work to reframe that trauma and come out with more awareness for change in how I cope. I recently went through a Domestic Violence Support Group for a year before I finally was able to grasp what domestic violence really is. With all of these traumas, I have taken steps towards recovery in some way, so that I can get better and be authentically me. Once I really started to address my early childhood sexual abuse, it really helped open my eyes to my past behaviors, in a way that I now have much more compassion for myself and others. Plus I just end up learning so many things about myself, that it helps me identify more goals and strengths. With all of those traumas came effects such as low self-esteem, low self-worth, low self-value, low confidence, people pleasing, submission, shame & guilt, fear, never feeling good enough, believing I could never amount to anything, believing I didn’t deserve anything good, the list goes on… awful effects that I know I am not alone in feeling. I have walked the journey with so many people who are strong and courageous enough to share their feelings of vulnerability, which has helped me grow further as a person and as a healer. I recognize that no one story is the same, just as no one recovery is the same. We are all on our own paths, in our own ways, but to be able to have someone on the journey with us… that makes all the difference in how we recover. With us… not judging, not bias, not objectifying. Just supporting our decisions to figure things out on their own. It brings a new meaning to ‘Meet them where they’re at’… it’s not about meeting them physically at their tent or on the street. It’s about meeting the person in those deep dark feelings that we have overcome already, and help them through the mud. That is part of what I am hoping to offer that is different than other organizations in my area. Though I do recognize that there are lots of helpers, lots of providers out there doing the work in their own ways, setting myself apart and truly getting in the mud with those suffering, and helping them come out stronger, that is where my passion really lies. I know that walking the journey with them is what is going to help them recover, and in-turn I will come out a better version of myself. And of course I am going to have to take extra care of myself while I do this work. That’s so important. I will have to focus even more on refilling my cup in order to be successful, but thankfully that is just another skill I get to teach other people. There are still many things in my own recovery that I am not yet ready to face, so it will also be important to set appropriate boundaries for myself and the people I serve. I’m grateful for my time working my Al-Anon program; that has helped me learn why boundaries are so necessary. So many things that have happened throughout this journey of recovery, and each one of them has happened in the time that it was needed. Recovery cannot be rushed, pushed or demanded. Recovery is by our own definition, on our own terms, in our own time. It is self-identified and self-driven. What a powerful word, recovery. I look forward to finetuning how I get to encompass being a Recovery Coach into this business and this journey. Stay tuned ya’ll.
Breaking the Cycle
A perfect title for the work that I am doing and for how I try to help the people. Part of what I do to help people is to get to the root cause of why the individual is living an unfulfilled life. I work to help them figure out how their traumas correlate with their unhealthy coping habits of drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, food, you name it. And in the process, we talk about change and how to break the cycle, by sharing new tools to try. It doesn’t stop there though… I work with folks over time by spending time with them and following up on how the tools are working, what things came up, how are they feeling. We just keep going and going until eventually they decide they want to get better. It’s a pretty amazing process. Not an easy process by any means, and definitely doesn’t happen over night. Some people I have partnered with for years. The amazing part is that I get to watch them get better, in the best of ways. I watch them practice new tools and work on building healthier habits. I watch individuals break the cycle all the time. I watch people be vulnerable and courageous in taking back control of their lives, even when it’s really, really hard. I get to stand side-by-side them when the good, bad and ugly occur. All through just giving them my time and sharing my Experience, Strength & Hope. By letting people know they are not alone in their traumas, they are getting better. And it’s worth be vulnerable to watch another person grow.
Last night I had a pretty incredible conversation with a gal I’ve known now for about 2 years. She is someone who has been struggling with drug addiction for quite a few years now and has even lost her daughter to her family. She has been back and forth in recovery but most recently has been back to using. I’ve been partnering with her by helping talk about the family dynamic, the traumas and sharing new tools to try. I spend my time just listening to her and giving her a listening ear. She called me yesterday to let me know that she is back to being motivated and is not using at this time! She is considering going back to treatment and wants to get her life back in order… she wants to Break the Cycle. We had a really good chat about her family. Her learned behaviors are all she has known the majority of her life. That’s something I can relate with. When what we know comes from our family homes growing up and then all of the traumas alone the way, we learned some pretty poor behaviors that we have been living in most of our lives, and those behaviors take time and a lot of hard work to overcome. I always work to remind folks to be patient and compassionate with themselves because we can’t just change over night. I look forward to working with her further and seeing where she goes. Personally I am an individual who works really hard to overcome my traumas and grow as a person, and I still fall back to my old behaviors from time to time. We are all only human. It’s about Progress, Not Perfection.
I am pretty grateful that I get to be on this journey with folks. They are people I have come to care for. They are community members who turned to coping in ways to help them survive the best they knew how. Part of my goal with this business, is to continue helping people to break the cycle by gaining more trainings and bringing individuals into the candle business to partner with them, helping them find a purpose. I sure have quite the journey ahead of me, that’s for sure. After years of never feeling good enough, I now have to put myself out there and really get this business going. Working with folks and seeing their vulnerability helps me be more courageous. Stay tuned followers!
Feelings of inadequacy…
It sometimes proves to be difficult to not allow those negative thoughts of inadequacy to creep in. They just come out of nowhere. Today was a little different though. I work really hard to be self aware and to always take my own inventory. It’s really important to me so that I can continue my journey of growth. When the feelings of inadequacy hit me today, I shared them with another person. I gave myself a few minutes to feel my feelings, then I set it aside and went about my day. That’s hard to do sometimes. There was a day that I was not able to do that, but instead it would all weigh heavy on me and turn my whole day into a crapshoot. I’m grateful for the many tools and support I have today. Well throughout the day today, those feelings kept coming to my brain and I would ask myself “why do I feel this way?”. I recognize that I am breaking 30+ years of bad habits and living a particular lifestyle. I am breaking a lifetime of what a knew, and instead trying to lead a better life, and in doing so, I question whether or not I have ever truly been cared about. That was a rough thing to ask myself. I know that I am cared for by many today, but it feels different than what I was once upon a time used to know as being cared for, which also makes me wonder if I was ever truly cared for. That’s a hard pill to swallow… the thought that the love I’ve known wasn’t real because those people were not capable of loving another person. And honestly, it’s hard not to feel cared about when I am on my own so often. It gives me time to allow doubt to settle in. It’s yet another cycle I am working hard to overcome. Growing so frequently is quite the chore some days. But thankfully with practice, it gets easier and easier, and it’s always totally worth it. I know I’m not alone in feeling these ways… feeling inadequate or unloved. It’s hard. Especially when trying to stay strong all the time and lead by example for other people going through the same thing. I am grateful that part of this journey is talking about these things and reminding folks they aren’t alone… it allows space for even more support which is pretty amazing. Anyways, I mainly just wanted to share how I felt today. I’ve been working hard on getting the candle stuff going. Though it may not seem like it, I have been, and it also hasn’t been helping with feeling the way I have. After spending as many years as I have not feeling good enough, it takes more than a few weeks to feel better about oneself so I just work hard at it everyday and am slowly getting better and making progress. Soon I will be where I should be. Stay tuned!
Conflict is my friend…
Conflict is a very difficult thing to work through when having spent most of ones life not having a voice or being able to stand up for oneself. Conflict has been the theme of these last couple of weeks. It’s part of why I haven’t written. Prepping myself mentally to address conflict is harder for me than most. It requires I take extra self-care, take much needed time, have patience with myself and use my supports so that I don’t act out of anger, say things I don’t mean and make sure that I use my words enough to be heard. And though it is difficult for me, it is getting easier and easier with practice. This week I have had a lot of practice! Thank goodness for all of my support as well. It makes it all that much easier. I get it, conflict is uncomfortable. I would much rather work through the uncomfortableness than to not, especially when it involves people I care about. It’s amazing because this last couple of weeks, I have been presented with many opportunities to address conflict and haven’t given it a second thought… I just work to overcome the conflict. That never would have happened in the past. All of these tools and support really changes everything. I am better equipped to handle the conflict, whereas before I would have ran far, far away from it. I would have ended friendships, relationships, jobs, you name it. Now, I launch into action head first. Sometimes that action for addressing conflict looks different than people would expect. Just as mentioned above, for me it requires time, self-care, patience and reaching out to my supports. Especially if I want to handle the conflict in a constructive manner that helps both parties grow and come out stronger in the end. It’s part of what’s important with doing The Next Right Thing. Easy Does It. Often when conflict arises, I like to use THINK as a tool, as a reminder to be Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary and Kind with my words. I definitely could not have used that tool even a couple of years ago. I was not capable of it. I would just react, which is also how I used to hurt people. Thank goodness those days are over. Of course conflict is still really difficult for me but I no longer dissociate, and instead I stay present in the moment and make right choices. Growth sure is an amazing thing. I also think that is why I am such an advocate for talking through conflict. I always encourage folks to talk about what’s bothering them, and I work hard to create a space for people that helps them feel comfortable to have the uncomfortable conversations, especially for those folks who have never been able to have a voice in the past. Safe words, boundaries, safe spaces, active listening, and then some. Working on this new project will definitely help me gain more tools in Conflict Resolution. Of course I am still human as well. With one of my most recent conflicts, I was triggered and ended up having a trauma response. Which means it took me even longer to work through not reacting out of anger, fear or resentment. The person I was having conflict with was quick to react out of anger, which threw me back to bad relationships I’ve had. And that was mainly because I was already really sensitive and didn’t know how to set boundaries in that moment. What’s important though is that I took the necessary time for me to feel better enough to have a conversation about what happened. It was hard. And even then, I could have used more time but felt pressured into talking sooner than I was comfortable. That’s okay though… it was uncomfortable but came with a lot of growth. I feel better equipped for the next conflict. Because let’s be honest, conflict is going to happen. It’s just a matter of how we handle that conflict. I am so grateful for being in a place that I can continue to grow as a person and continue to work hard on being the person I want to be and that I know I am capable of. Sure has taken me a long time to get here. I find that my flexibility and willingness to grow is what is helping me in this journey of creating this new project. I sure am looking forward to what is to come and am blessed that so many people are a part of the journey with me. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come!
Something new…
What a week! I have had to fight feelings of inadequacy, low self-worth, and general feelings of unease. Yet I’ve also been overwhelmed with gratitude for all of the growth I have had and the support that continues to keep me focused. I am beyond blessed. Years ago all of this would not have been made possible. Now I am surrounded by loving, caring human beings, and I finally am starting to feel good about myself. The negative feelings are feelings I’ve been fighting most of my life. That’s what happens with trauma. I grew up in a pretty decent home, however alcohol played a big role. And with alcohol, came the family disease, affecting each one of the members of my family without anyone even knowing it. We are all still working through the affects it has had on us. My trauma goes much further than that as well, as it does for everyone. I was also sexually abused by a family member for many years. Something I have only recently worked through, and still have further to go in my healing but I have come so far! That drove so many of my behaviors and negative thoughts for more years than I want to admit, but what matters now is that I have given myself space to heal. It was no wonder though, that I was once upon a time ago attracted to alcoholics and abusers. Sexual abuse is something that often goes un-talked about. So many women (and men) I know that have been sexually abused, do not want to admit it even happened. They stuff it down deep just like I did. I am so grateful that I have worked through that trauma in ways that now allow me to talk openly about it and show others that it does not define who we are, and we have the strength to work through anything with the right support. Support and connection are key to overcoming and getting better. For years I lived in this cloud… this negative, dark cloud. I didn’t even realize I was there, let alone why. It took a tragic event happening in my life for me to finally see and get healing. I’m not saying it was at all easy, but I am proof that it is possible to get better. What motivates me to share my Experience, Strength & Hope, as well as Lead By Example for others, is that so many people are living in their trauma. All of their behaviors are driven by it, and the majority of folks don’t even know it’s happening. I have been there, and I remember how it felt. There was no level of awareness until something big happened. And so I want to be there, showing others what this positive life looks like, so that when they are ready, or when they need the support because things fall apart for them, someone will be there to help support them through. That is not something I had when it happened to me. It would have made such a difference and would have weighed much less. Part of what I have had to face these last few weeks, and years really, is that those individuals who are still sitting in their trauma, whose behaviors are driven by it, unknowingly treat those who are healing poorly. I have come to learn that it is no fault of their own. These are the affects of trauma. It makes people uncomfortable, and with vulnerability comes shame. With shame comes anger, which more times than not, comes out in fight, flight or freeze responses. These are primal responses, to lash out at others, lash in at oneself, or completely avoid conflict. It’s just natural behavior. And so, no matter how poorly those individuals may treat me, I will do my best to take extra care of myself and not take things personally, so that I can have compassion for those still suffering. This is the work that I want to do, to incorporate into my daily life. Helping those still suffering from the affects of their trauma, by sharing tools and new coping behaviors. Sharing hope for recovery. It’s what I’m passionate about. There is so much more to come followers, stay tuned!
The next right thing…
A new tool I learned just the other day… the next right thing. This is one I have unconsciously been following for some time now but when I heard it said out loud, it really just put things into perspective for me. I have been dealing with some negative energy being projected in my direction and have had to work hard not to allow it to bring me down, but instead drive me to continue to do… the next right thing. Thank goodness for so many positive support people in my life, not allowing me to just give up. It has taken me years of working my recovery and actively working my program, allowing me to have healthier tools and better support in my life. If all of the things that are happening now, happened to me a few years ago or even just 6 months ago, I would have been in a much different spot mentally. I would likely be suffering and falling back into depression. And now I have worked so hard, which has paid off, helping me gain confidence and finally knowing my self-worth. It’s what drives me to do the work I enjoy, and to help others who struggle with the same issues I have worked so hard to overcome. So many people I know are sitting in the same place I was 5 years ago, without support to help them through. Or so they thought. Now myself and a team of other amazing, healthy individuals, are out there spreading Experience, Strength & Hope, reminding them they are cared for, and helping them find connection and purpose. Out of all the conversations I have had with folks, a lack of support and purpose are why it’s so hard to overcome ones addiction, homelessness, mental health issues and their drive to help themselves. And that is the difference of what we will offer in this community. Though things may be starting out small, these little positive actions we are taking are what will be helping us in Creating Change, One Day At A Time. And so this coming week, we will focus on continuing our connections to partners and the community in order to put the right people in the right place, as well as putting the mission down on paper. Still much more to do, but in time everything will come together just as it should. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come!