It’s been a couple months since I wrote. Creating the space to sit down and write (with intention), has proven to be challenging. Between the new job, the recent move, the holidays, and my physical health, I have not had much else to give. Everything I do have goes to taking care of mine and my son’s well-being. That is the most important thing. As you can probably imagine with everything, it takes a lot of hard work. It’s important to me that he sees me being a healthy individual who works hard to behave in healthy ways so that he can learn how to do the same. And he is learning. It melts my heart when I see him growing too. The fact is, he learns based on what he sees, not what I say. The complete opposite as I was raised. I was always told “Do as I say, not as I do.”. Many of us have probably heard some version of this. I’m guilty of having said it in the past, I’m sure. The reality is though, that we learn what we see in action. Once I realized that, it changed the way I behaved and saw the world. I grew up knowing all the things I saw around me, and that’s how I ended up behaving. It took me breaking the cycle and unlearning what I knew, to learn new ways of being.
“Intention is one with cause and effect. Intention determines outcome. And if you’re stuck and not moving forward, you have to check the thought and the action that created the circumstance.”
– Oprah Winfrey
I am filled with much gratitude that I was delivered awareness and given an opportunity to do different. I took that chance and haven’t turned back since. Growing the way I have, I now vibrate at a different frequency. I know others can feel it too. The process hasn’t been easy; quite frankly, it’s uncomfortable in a lot of ways. I’ve even lost relationships. I’ve had to grieve those relationships because I realize that we may never vibrate at the same frequency if there is no awareness or acceptance. We can’t grow if we do not practice the three A’s: Awareness. Acceptance. Action. And I cannot lower my vibration to match another’s. That would be unhealthy. I can, however, continue to lead by example and put in the work to grow as an individual; this could give others the chance to vibrate at my frequency. The process of healing and growing is not something that happens overnight. It takes time. And truly is a lifelong journey. To start, one must wake up (with intention) and put in the work to do better, while purposefully seeking understanding of what drives our behaviors and actually working on those things (with intention). We must also set aside time to take care of ourselves; that is where we find the solutions to our problems. If we can be mindful and truly take care of our own needs, we create ourselves the space to see the whole picture. Space is grace. Giving ourselves grace is a different perspective for those of us who have grown up with the mindset that taking care of oneself is selfish. It is not selfish. It is absolutely necessary. So, give yourself grace and practice self-care (with intention).
By now I’m sure you can see there is a theme for today’s post. It will actually be my word of the upcoming year. INTENTION. But what does intention mean?
Oxford Languages has two definitions for intention:
1. (noun) A thing intended; an aim or plan.
2. (Medicine definition) the healing process of a wound.
Interesting definitions. I had no idea how perfect this word really would be for my year coming up, but that second definition really says it all. It makes me proud that I am on the right track and would use something as simple as intention, as my way to heal through things that need healing. Because that’s what I intend to do. I intend to practice forgiveness; I intend to offer myself and others grace; I intend to reflect on what drives my behaviors & feelings; I intend to improve my physical health; I intend to ask for what I need; I intend to listen with an open mind and heart; I intend to be a voice for those who do not have a voice of their own; I intend to be mindful in all areas of my life; I intend to take care of myself every day; I intend to enjoy the little things; I intend to be a present parent; I intend to get out of my comfort zone; I intend to set boundaries; I intend to stand up for myself; I intend to behave kindly; I intend to give back to my community. The list goes on… the idea is that I intend to behave in all of the positive ways that I have learned how. I have had years of practicing these things, and I intend to make them all a normal part of my daily habits from now until forever. Intention is an attitude. Intention is action. Intention is how we grow and heal through those parts of us that are broken. Intention is how we help future generations be healthy and thrive. So, for me, this is a way of life, which helps me vibrate at a frequency I am proud of. My hope for those of you reading this and those who I care for, is that you too vibrate at a frequency that you’re proud of. And if you aren’t there yet, give yourself grace. Just know that if you practice Awareness, Acceptance and Action (with intention of course), you’ll get there. And until then, lean on your supportive community and honor what you are going through. The best has yet to come.
I’ve probably started and erased this blog post more than 30 times in the last few weeks. It’s been hard finding the space to really be vulnerable and share anything of value. I’ve had to get real with myself. It hasn’t been easy. These last few weeks I continue to block myself from pushing forward in my writing because I get too overwhelmed with emotion, and I just don’t have the mental capacity to add anything to what I’m already going through. My eye is literally twitching uncontrollably because I am giving more than I have to offer as it is. My life is already at the bare, bare minimum of what I can carry right now. So, I’ve been working hard to hand things over. I’ve had lots of opportunities to practice, which I am grateful for. The thing is, it’s getting harder and harder to be honest about how I’m feeling without crying… I know it will make people even more uncomfortable than they already are around me. And I’ve been so worried about how I’m going to make other people feel, when this isn’t even about them, it’s about me. It’s about what I’m going through and using my tools to heal through things in positive ways. Writing is a tool I use to express myself. It just is requiring much self-care ahead of time, to truly find the courage to write publicly right now. I’ve been prepping for a couple days now to write this post. And I’ll tell ya, I worked hard at taking care of myself, being vulnerable with people about what I’m going through, and having lots of conversations with my Higher Power. Funny too because if I’m not specific about my needs, my Higher Power has a really great sense of humor, and he will absolutely get my attention. Which he has… often. Now here I am, because my Higher Power told me this is exactly what I should be doing in this moment to take care of myself, and it’s the thing that my heart is drawing me to. I know that has a lot to do with how much lighter I will feel when I finally let things out, and it’s an easier platform to be open about what I’m going through, without worry of shame or judgment. Now, where to begin…
Let me just start with the one thing that I am struggling with the most… my physical health. It’s a couple of things really. One, being in pain all day every day, is hard. Two, recently my doctor told me that the odds of success if they operate on my hip, is less than half. I think she was being generous with her words. She told me that she wants me to prepare for this being a permanent disability. That’s a lot to take in. For the last few months, I’ve been working hard on forgiveness towards my medical care team, and I’ve finally been heard by my primary after all this time. The quality of care that I received at my last visit, really made a difference in how I received that information. It was the first time I had seen my doctor have compassion. We are now working on trying to figure out how to find balance, without the use of narcotics. I do have a consult with an Orthopedic Surgeon on Halloween to have more scans done and go over any options I might have. The thing is, that any surgery to repair my hip won’t help a spinal cord injury, which they continue to suspect. And I do too. Hopefully I’ll have an update to share after the consult. It’s hard not to carry resentment about the fact that they likely neglected to diagnose me correctly, which caused permanent damage, making it nearly impossible for me to walk unassisted without lots of pain, if at all. I miss walking. I miss activities. I miss candle making. I miss feeling functional. I miss so many things. I know that I will get some of these things back. It will just take time and continuing to find balance. This whole process has been a grieving process. Every day, I grieve. And since I’ve learned to honor grief and truly embrace what it has to offer, I honor each opportunity. That’s how I know I will get the most out of the experience. There is an art to grieving, and it’s a journey to figure out how to navigate it. What I do know, is that gratitude is an important part of grief. There was this grief opportunity I was presented with, and I ended up with so much forgiveness and gratitude in the end, it’s hard to believe that it was even grief. Hard to believe, isn’t it? It’s totally true though. I worked on forgiveness and gratitude every single day, and that’s what I got. I needed that lesson. Since grief is a journey, it continuously comes up for me, and every time, I am filled with forgiveness and gratitude, because that is what I seek. I welcome the feelings in, embrace them, then let them leave. I don’t live in them, not anymore. I honor them and politely ask them to go. You see, grief, has a way of making itself at home in us. That’s when the most damage is done, without us even knowing it. By honoring the feelings and letting them go, we are creating a safe space to process grief and practicing tools that help us heal and grow. And the good thing is, that no one is ever in it alone. There is a world of people out there waiting to help someone in their journey… grief included. I am blessed to be surrounded by a very supportive community who uplifts me and keeps me growing in positive ways. Everyone is deserving of that.
Another thing that has been hard, is raising a teenager with mental health challenges. I feel so helpless these last few weeks… months… year really. All I can do, is to continue to show up for him. Continue to work hard at being my healthiest self, so that I can help him navigate what he is going through. I can only imagine how hard all of this has been for him. Our worlds got turned around and we have been pushed to limits, we didn’t even know we had. That kid carries way more than he should. And he isn’t willing to lighten the load knowing I am physically hurting. So, I just do anything and everything I can, to help him through this and make sure that he is doing stuff for himself, keeping himself healthy. We continue to work to find balance every day. This requires that I remain a present parent. And there are just some days, that I am barely capable of doing that… so it takes all I have, and everything else gets put on hold. Balance is a difficult thing to find in chaos. And let me tell you, the more you put on hold, the more there is to pick up when the time comes. I just have to offer myself lots of grace and trust that by taking things One Step At A Time, I’m doing the right thing for me to get through this. Sometimes that’s not an easy thing to trust… because on the outside I am holding back tears, and on the inside, I am screaming and pleading “how am I going to get through this?!”. Other times the tears come uncontrollably with no way to organize my thoughts. Then there are days like now, where I’ve had to let go of so much, my eye is literally twitching, for weeks now. No amount of self-care is helping with everything going on. I know I am on the verge of a transformation; I can feel it. There was even a dragonfly in front of me while I drove down the driveway recently. He just hovered there, and the word transformation came to mind. It would make sense. It feels like a lot of work though. I don’t know how I would be able to handle a transformation, while also balancing physical health, parenting, work, and all the things, but I guess bring it on since my Higher Power seems to believe I can handle it. That’s so much stuff, in this moment, I just don’t think I have it in me. As it is already, anything that feels like too much, just makes me sleep. I get exhausted from any amount of added stress, then I just don’t function well. I will literally just fall asleep. And truth be told, I am no longer capable of what I once was. It seems like every time I get something figured out, another thing comes. It’s been a revolving door of stuff to carry. When things get too heavy, in comes grief again. Oh, and did I mention that grief doesn’t always mean that someone died… grief can be very complex. It can be relationships, trauma, the loss of support. Grief is an overwhelming sadness and a series of goodbyes. That’s why it’s not healthy to let grief be at home with us. Being exposed to chronic grief, will affect who you are as a person, and not in a positive way. It’s so important for us to take care of ourselves, and truly understand what emotion is driving our behaviors. Welcoming grief to visit, can be a good way to get perspective… just don’t let it live there. Instead, try to practice finding gratitude in the grief when the visit is over. Gratitude really is a key. Prayer helps too.
“Gratitude is the gift of sight in the darkest times.”
– Unknown
I feel slightly better now that I’ve been able to share some. I’m a little nervous about hitting the publish button though. This is just such a small snippet of what I am going through. I feel like I haven’t even touched the surface. If I shared everything, you would wonder how it is that I have any serenity in my life. Serenity is not something that is easy to find and maintain… it’s taken years of being in active recovery, with intention, for me to have tools and support that help carry me through the hardships. And right now, these are some big hardships. Don’t mistake my hardships for misery though. The number of positive things that happen in my life is overwhelming to even put in words. Most of the time I just cry from gratitude. I have so much gratitude for everything, even in the grief, I find ways to heal through and gain tools to help me in future endeavors. The thing is, we are so often consumed by the grief we carry with us, that people are so disconnected. Connection is what we need. Connection is what helps people get better. Get uncomfortable. Be vulnerable. Build relationships. Get to know who you are at your core. Ask for help. Slow down and really take your time doing anything at all (that’s a great way to practice). Think about your choices. These are all actionable steps we can take, that will help us make connections, heal, and grow. Not overnight, so patience and grace are equally important components that have to make regular appearances into our lives. Honestly, it’s all a lot of hard work, and I’m not going to sugar coat it for you, you will want to give up often. You will fight with yourself all the time, wondering if it’s really worth the effort. And then one day, you just hit a point where you couldn’t imagine life any other way. You look around you and are surrounded by love and understanding. More of those things that we are all deserving of.
On a final note, I am happy to report that as of today secure housing has been found for my family. In just two short weeks, we will be moving into our new temporary home. A step in the right direction. We will be safe, in actual beds in bedrooms with doors. We will be able to rest and stabilize for our next part of this journey. I will be able to recover physically, no matter what that looks like. I am looking forward to sleeping in a bed and being able to walk around with my cane, rather than hanging on to everything in this trailer just to get from one end to the other. Ooh, and floor space for yoga! All of me needs yoga in my life… my physical self, my intellectual self, my emotional self, and my spiritual self. For the last year, my life has been chronically unmanageable. I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. This has been quite the journey. I can’t deny the fact that I am nervous and scared about what is going to happen, but I am also hopeful and excited. I know that no matter what happens, I will be provided for because my Higher Power and my supportive community, are always there for me. Okay one more thing, I am also happy to share that it came to me what I will be doing next with this business. Since I will not be able to make candles and do business as I had previously envisioned, I will be bringing it new life. And the funny thing is, it will be even better than I could have imagined before. It’s just going to take a while before I can get my bearings. Hopefully by this time next year, I will have a solid plan and ready to share with all of you. I think a year is plenty of time. Candle making for me is such a self-care, meditative practice at this point, and I am missing being able to get myself so easily into that type of head space. My self-care needs are not being met. It’s much more challenging these days. I have always used my candle making to express my emotions and work through my healing, by pouring my emotions into something beautiful. It even continues to help the healing process as the candle burns, it’s pretty cool. My hope is that writing can take its place for now. Just as a tool while I am healing. Once we move, it’ll be easier to find the time and space, because I’ll have access to internet again and a private space to write in. Soon I will find balance, I am sure of it. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.
It’s hard to know where to start when it’s been so long since I wrote last. I miss writing. The thing is, I’ve had to step way back and focus only on myself. It’s quite the challenge, but absolutely necessary. It’s meant that I have had to give up things I really enjoy. I’ve had to put dreams on hold. I’ve had to step away from relationships that don’t serve me. I’ve had to take a different path completely. I’ve also had to advocate for myself more than ever. I’ve had to work on forgiveness and acceptance. I’ve had to grow in ways I didn’t know I was capable of. Everything probably happened just the way it did so that I could be sitting right here and typing these exact words for you to read. It’s almost uncomfortable but then again, we grow when we are out of comfort zone.
For a little context, 9 months ago today, I had a car accident that turned my life upside down. It still manages to affect me today, in really big ways, but I have managed to get stronger and grow more each day. I don’t cry in pain anymore like I did… most days anyways. I’ve learned to adapt and work around the pain, so that I can continue to live my life and find any joy or serenity. Some days I don’t move and other days I move mountains. But even my days in bed mean something. Those are the days I am recouping my strength to keep on my journey. Some days I amaze myself that I have managed the way I have. I couldn’t have done it without my supportive community, that’s for sure. I am truly grateful for the support and proud of myself for how I have handled everything. Of course, I know this journey is far from over. There will be a lifetime of learning and growth. Afterall, I am an imperfect human being that has much to learn. I am filled with so much gratitude, I sometimes get overwhelmed that I don’t have enough physical energy to express it. The pain I’m in every waking moment, takes everything I have to give. It drains me often. I’ve been in survival mode now for a long time. I am tired. I’ve been tired. Truth is that my recovery saved me…. And continues to save me. If this would have happened 5-10 years ago, I probably would have ended my life. Then again… there have still been some days the thought has crossed my mind. Not as often anymore, but over the last 9 months, it still happened more times than I can count on both hands. A person in excruciating pain like this every day, can’t live a positive or healthy life without a large village of supporters. So, I’ve had to completely expose myself and allow others to pick up where I am not able. Talk about uncomfortable. I have been helped in more ways than I can express… and yet, there were literally still days it wasn’t enough. Giving things up just to have the mental capacity to survive, was all I could do. And there were days when something would take me off guard, or I wasn’t ready for, or were emotionally heavy, or even multiple things at once coming at me, and then it just made me mush. Almost as if I were incapable of functioning. I would literally beg and pray for any relief at that point. Eventually I gave up everything and said “Okay Higher Power, I’m listening…” and was led to where I am today. After that point, every step of the way I have consulted with my Higher Power. I have handed things over, kicking and screaming sometimes, and somehow everything turns out better than okay. And even though there is still quite a ways to go in my physical recovery, I know that my recovery journey is right on track.
The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.
– Confucius
There are still many opportunities for me to work through forgiveness, acceptance, understanding and much more. All I can do is take things One Step At A Time and keep working my recovery. If I go any faster, I will fall backwards. Honestly, this time down with a physical ailment, is a true blessing. I’m sure I would have been much more resistant otherwise. Amazing how things work out the way they do. Now I am mostly stable. I get through each day with my pain. Some days are hard, but I have lots of support and tools to help me through. And… the doctors finally have a plan to help! That part was hard, and likely an area I need to work on forgiveness. Being told repeatedly that the pain is in your head or that it’s only a flare-up is super frustrating. It took everything I had to advocate for myself this whole time. To finally be heard. And to be kind through the process. There is no way someone feels this much pain 24 hours a day and it’s just nothing. I’m glad I was resilient and stood my ground. I’m glad I kept refusing to take no for an answer. Now that I know what’s wrong, there is some relief. I can carve out the time I need to give my body rest. There is anxiety too. Surgery feels like a big deal. Not to mention, my life is not really set up for surgery. It’s not something I even considered really, because for so long I was told something else. But there is so much hope! Hope for recovery. Hope for pain-free days to come. Hope for putting this hardship behind me. I may have to set aside my business, school, friendships, you name it… but in the end, I will be stronger and more capable when it comes time to pick up where I left off. And maybe most wouldn’t understand what I’m going through but it’s pretty incredible that this hardship… this journey… has given me the practice and strength to be unapologetically me. That sure counts for something.
It feels like a lifetime ago that I wrote a blog post (it’s been just over 8 weeks). I imagine it feels that way because of how different life is now. So many things have happened, and my journey isn’t close to over. I don’t want to get into all the nitty gritty details, but let’s just say that my recovery has been put to the test in so many ways and now I’m tired… really, really tired. I have had to step back and take real good care of myself and my family. It was the only option I’ve had for survival. I’ve been mostly stabilized for a few weeks now but reality is, I have a long ways to go before I recover from everything that happened after my car accident. There is much to learn from everything I have gone through. Pain has a way of breaking you down. I’m pretty sure I experienced every emotion possible over the last couple of months (7 months really). There have been many tears shed. Lots of conversations and pleas with my Higher Power. My life has fallen apart completely, and now I can pick up the pieces and rebuild. Honestly, I gave up trying to understand how I have made it through all this and why it all has happened the way it has. All I know, is that my recovery is how I survived. The tools I learned, the support I have, my relationship with God. I didn’t have any of those for a really long time. Everything I have ever been through, prepared me for these times. And it’s amazing to me because I feel stronger than ever. How that’s possible, I have no idea. I know deep in my core that I will come out of this with more strength, courage, wisdom, serenity, confidence, understanding, humility, resilience, fearlessness, perspective, hope, forgiveness, faith, acceptance, gratitude, trust, and so much more. Phew, that was a mouth full. These times have given me great opportunity to put my tools to test. Each time I overcome one of these hardships (and there are lots of hardships), I come out feeling stronger. I come out feeling proud of myself for everything I have learned and being able to put my tools to work. I come out having more trust in myself to do the next right thing. It would be so easy for me to focus on the negatives, but instead my recovery has given me an opportunity to do better. I am a work in progress, yet also a masterpiece.
The greatest gift to give the people you love is your recovery.
-Anonymous
Recovery has given me a beautiful gift. A gift of faith, hope and trust. A gift of peace and joy. When I think about life before recovery, I think of an empty shell. I remember feeling lots of anger, hate, humiliation, insecurities, rejection, anxiousness, submission, inadequacy, worthlessness, jealousy, powerlessness, shame, abandonment, and fear… lots and lots of fear. It was awful. I don’t even know if I knew what anything else felt like. I think I tried. I remember feeling love. But then again, I was so broken, I’m not sure I was capable of accepting love if it hit me square in the face. And because of that, I ended up hurting people I care about. I’ve had to work hard at forgiving myself for that. Thank goodness for a living amends; it’s a gift I can give to myself and others, by never going back to where I was. What more can one do when words are never enough? Now I can proudly say that I have worked hard to overcome my past traumas, so that I don’t repeat the same patterns and poor behaviors I did in the past. Of course, I am still only human, so I make mistakes from time to time, but my past no longer drives my behaviors. I pick myself up and keep working hard to do the next right thing. When I think back to my childhood sexual abuse, being strangled, and even the family disease of alcoholism, I don’t remember the horrible things that happened. Instead, I see hope for change. I see hope for recovery. I see my Higher Power hard at work in every moment and every hardship. This is the priceless gift of recovery. Every… single… day… I fight for my recovery. I protect it as if it is the most precious thing to ever exist. Because without my recovery, I wouldn’t be here today, and I wouldn’t be the person I have come to know and love. I still have a long way to go, but at least I wake up everyday and put in the hard work.
These difficult times I’m going through now are far from over. But I can say with confidence, that I am supported, loved and I will make it through stronger than when it all started. My recovery has given me strength beyond measure. As I mentioned, over the last few months I have experienced many emotions that I did not have the tools to manage before. Now I embrace each feeling and work through it with grace. At times I find it quite challenging. It really just depends on what comes up for me. But this part of my journey was meant to happen just as it has; as if I was meant to get thrown into the trenches, so I could fast track my growth and be the leader of change, I know that I am meant to be. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.
This particular title is important to me because it leads to one of the most supportive communities of recovery I ever imagined. Reaching out to other people is a hard task, but once we break our silence and really allow ourselves to be vulnerable about the things we are going through, we open ourselves up to being supported in ways that help us thrive in our journey’s. My life has been complete and utter chaos these last few months and I’ll tell ya, it hasn’t been easy to get myself out of bed everyday and push forward, but it is a whole heck of a lot easier with the supportive community that I have in my life. When I said previously that I isolate for days at a time, I didn’t mean that I isolate away from everyone. I meant that I isolate away from things and people that don’t serve me. Everyday I am in communication with my supportive community of recovery, that help uplift me by not offering advice, sharing tools and wisdom, listening to me cry through what I’m going through, and so much more. It’s important for me to make sure that during those harder moments, I am only sharing with individuals that I know are healthy and able to create a safe space for me to do so. And then days later when a loved one or friend contact me, or when I am ready to reach out, I am able to share with pure vulnerability and with healthy boundaries, what I had been going through during that time, which helps me grow my program. Being vulnerable is not something that the majority of people are comfortable with. Thankfully for myself, I have a large community of individuals who are willing to get in the mud with me, and really help me through when it is needed. By my doing so, I get to share that with others who are not quite ready for it, to show them it’s okay to open ourselves up to others and to really trust. I get to help others figure out how to navigate this uncomfortable journey of being our authentic selves and building deep connection with others… tears and all. It’s pretty incredible.
Being surrounded by people in recovery this last weekend has been quite the experience and really eye-opening to just how difficult that is for so many people. I have found that through my recovery, the more I connect with like-minded people who are also willing to get in the mud with others, I have more compassion for those who are observing from the side lines, wondering how the heck they are supposed to do that too. It’s pretty scary stuff. It’s icky and uncomfortable. But I must say, once you have even just one or two solid support people in your life who are healthy because they take care of themselves, use their tools, take their own inventory, are willing to admit their shortcomings, are emotionally mature, know they are not perfect, admit when they are wrong, really open themselves up to others, know what they do & don’t have control over, are willing to make amends, constantly working to improve their relationship with their Higher Power, and who respect you & your boundaries, you will find a whole new way of life. Sounds almost like a fairytale doesn’t it? It’s not. I have this in my own life… by the handfuls.
Being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure.
– Bob Marley
As I started to grow through what I went through, I managed to find myself a healthy person who did all of those things, that helped me build trust and gave me the time I needed to open myself up to them, by offering me patience and understanding. As I grew, so did my own boundaries. In time, I met another healthy person, and another. Until I looked around and I was surrounded by healthy people. Even the people who weren’t quite there, were following my lead and getting healthier in their own ways. It’s been pretty incredible to be a part of. What we can do for ourselves and others by turning it over to our Higher Power and really trusting the process, is beyond what we could imagine. I know it’s not an easy thing to do. I remember all of the fights with my Higher Power and the resistance I felt in putting in trust. There were lots of tears and angry words. It really came back to knowing that I needed something different. What I was doing wasn’t working. Now I am able to pray and meditate, allowing me the space and clear mind, to make healthy decisions and to build self-awareness. I’m not saying that my way is the only way to build a supportive community, but I do have some knowledge in how to get there. What works for me, won’t necessarily work for other people. But in the end, allowing ourselves to connect with healthy people, is an extremely important part of the process. Learn to reason things out with another person. We even get to learn through the process, how to keep ourselves safe and protect us from the people in our lives that might not be right where we need them as a support person. I know for myself, I have lots of friends and family members I want to keep around but may not be the person that can help me through the heavy hardships I am going through, because they have never been there. It doesn’t mean I end those relationships. It means I learn to set boundaries for myself. And if that means I have to isolate myself away from them while I figure out how to set appropriate boundaries for me, then that’s what I have to do. I always come out of it with great amounts of gratitude when it doesn’t take long for me to figure it out, so that I can keep the people I care about active in my life. It hurts when there are folks that I am still figuring out that safety for myself with and I am not yet able to set the needed boundaries to open myself up to them. Instead I just have to continue working through it with the healthy people in my life, and hope that when the time comes, they will understand and welcome me with open arms knowing that I took the necessary time to take care of myself and create safety as I needed it. Something we are all deserving of.
Just a little tip on where to start… find someone who has qualities and characteristics that you find attractive and you catch yourself saying “I want that” or asking “how do they do it?”, then reach out by striking up a conversation. Get to know them by asking questions and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Not to say that relationship will last forever, but you might learn something that helps you start to navigate how to move forward. It’s got to start somewhere. Start within you and allow yourself to create a deep connection with others. Don’t be afraid to get hurt. Use it as an opportunity to grow and learn a lesson that you can take with you to the next part of your journey.
It’s been just over six weeks since I wrote last. I’ve found it quite challenging to sit down and let myself get vulnerable with everything I have going on. As many of my followers may know, I was in a car accident back at the end of November. The first few months were quite rough. My pain levels were at the top of the chart by the end of each day. It was physically and mentally exhausting. I had to work hard every day to take extra care of myself in order to keep any serenity in my life. After so long, I eventually hit my wall. That happened just a couple of weeks ago. By that point, I could take no more and was in need of crutches in order to maintain my life in any normal capacity. It has now been two weeks on crutches. The first week on crutches was rough, because I was overly emotional. My pain levels were finally coming down, but then everything that has happened over the last few months weighed heavy on me because I had finally been able to see things more clearly. The pain fog was lifting. I understand that I did not operate at my best for the months after the accident. How could I? I was in excruciating pain… every day. That really does something to a person. On top of that, I lost my income, my housing, my car, my independence, and people along the way. I wasn’t able to focus on anything long enough to be productive in anything, so my business and this project took a hit. My child started to feel the effects. With all of that, my mental health took a hit. I did everything I could over those few months to take really good care of myself. I had to set uncomfortable boundaries. I had to say no more often. I had to give up things I enjoy. So many things happened that were hard. And now that my pain levels are less, I have been able to process everything more and really accept things for how they are. I am starting to feel more hopeful now. Through this entire process, I am so grateful for the people who stuck by my side and helped carry me through. My amazing supportive community of recovery that I have built, really has showed up for me. I have been reminded over and over again that I am worthy, that I will overcome these challenges, and that no matter the circumstances, I have people who will love me and support me. What I am going through will help people one day. And though this has all been very difficult, I know that this chapter of my story may help save the lives of others.
“In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.”
– Albert Einstein
Over the last few weeks… months really… I have been taking the much needed time to pray and meditate for acceptance, healing, strength, awareness, and much, much more. I have allowed myself to be vulnerable with my Higher Power. To really have the much needed conversations in order for me to find the solutions I have needed through this trial. And of course, He continues to show up for me. Slowly I am starting to work things out in positive ways. Through this time, I have not faltered so much that I have given up on the mission. Instead I have had to prioritize and take small baby steps in any direction. I am still working to put things together where I can. Some exciting things are in the works. Maybe I can’t produce candles at the moment, but other things truly are coming together. And the candles will come soon. Once my housing stabilizes and I move into my new office space, I will be ready to take those next steps. I just need to clear a few things off of my plate first. I will say however, that it is pretty likely that I will be on crutches for a few more months, so it will be important for me to maintain these new healthy boundaries for myself. And I don’t really mind the crutches, since it decreases my pain levels so significantly. It’s brought my pain down from an 8-10, to a 2! That’s a pretty amazing change. Being at a 2 allows me to do my physical therapy exercises and to just really focus on things that need to get done. It was really hard to advocate for myself the first few months, especially when I was told over and over again that it was just a flare up. I’m grateful that I kept advocating though, because eventually I was heard and now I’m just a few short weeks away from seeing the specialist that is going to help me make a plan of recovery. There is hope in sight.
This has been one of the hardest times I have ever had in my life. I truly believe that everything I have been through up to now, was to prepare me for this chapter of my life. There had been days that all I could do was cry. I had felt like a failure. I had felt unworthy. I had given up hope. All with what seemed like no light at the end of the tunnel. Things got really dark. The pain was so bad, that I just wanted it to be over, and in the worst of ways. Some days I just wanted a hug so badly, but I just wasn’t capable of asking for one. I had isolated myself for days at a time, just to cry uncontrollably when my loved ones would finally call me out of concern. Being in pain and having to carry everything I was going through, became one of the hardest things I ever had to do. And with each new thing that came my direction, it all got heavier and heavier until I couldn’t carry anymore. I know that I haven’t been operating at my best these last few months. But I must say, I did a darn good job given the circumstances, all thanks to my many tools, healthy practices and the support that I have. I’m pretty proud of myself for making it as long and far as I did. Today I am grateful that people showed up to help me, knowing that was what I needed. I am grateful for the many reminders that I am not in this journey alone. None of us are in this alone. There are people out there waiting to love you. You just have to allow yourself to welcome them in. It’s hard to do, and even more so when we do not believe we are worthy of that love because of what we are going through, but you are worthy. We all are. It’s all even more difficult for those of us who are used to carrying the weight of things on our own because we have been let down so often. But that gets better too, when we are a part of the right community. This whole part of my journey, will be a great testament in my story, and will all help me in this amazing mission of change. Stay tuned followers… the best has yet to come.
This last few weeks have been a little bit of a set back with my blog postings. At first I was just trying to keep my focus on the project, then last week I had to work through a complex loss that required me to take a few extra days of self-care. Now I am feeling much better and getting back into my routine, without the worry of needing to focus on extra healing. It’s hard to really know where to start to share the grief that surfaced for me because I am still working on processing it all but what I can say, is that I have a lot of gratitude for my recovery and for my support. I truly know that I am not alone. You see, I am very open about my recovery from the affects of alcoholism in my life, my childhood sexual abuse, living with chronic pain, domestic violence and trauma in the workplace. There is more, but those are the main things that have driven some of my poor coping in my past and what I’ve had to work through in order to be where I am today. Those are the traumas that had me living in fear and anxiety, dissociating from reality, being angry and irritable. I am in a much better place, as I’ve worked through these things and they no longer carry any negative weigh in my life. It’s pretty amazing what recovery can do. Of course there are still things to work through as they come up, but I show up every day to put in the work. This is a lifelong recovery after-all. And though my recovery may look different from yours, it is recovery none the less.
It’s taken years of practice of my tools (plus lots of tears & frustration), to work through the trauma that I am about to share with all of you. I want to start off by expressing how grateful I am for my family. Though we have healing to do, just as every family does, I am blessed to have my parents and my siblings. My biological mom and my dad who adopted me before birth, raised me with my 3 half siblings. We each have different family backgrounds and life experiences, but we love each other still the same and I wouldn’t change it for anything. I am blessed that my parents raised me the best they knew how and I carry only love in my heart for them. And as much as they tried to protect me from harm, there are some things out of our control. Kudos to them for doing a great job.
What came up for me after this recent complex loss, was how far I have come in my recovery from the childhood sexual abuse. You see, my biological father’s family did not play much of a role in my life, and the role they did play, was broken and messed up so it was pretty short lived. For years I was sexually abused by a biological family member. It started with grooming and ended with full on molestation and rape. By the time it came out, years of damage had already been done, and that half of my biological family was in complete denial. In time, I lost my relationship with every one of my immediate biological family members. No more family reunions or summer visits. I grieved those losses for a lot of years. Reality was, it was never going to work if everyone wanted to deny that it happened. Because the truth is, it happened and I was living the nightmare of the effects it had. Not talking about it and pretending it didn’t exist, caused me to shame and blame myself because I just didn’t understand. When I think back, I am shocked that an entire family could live that far in denial. Then again, denial is a dysfunctional attempt to pretend a painful reality doesn’t exist. Over the years, I have shamed and blamed myself so much, that I honestly lived in this negative, awful survival cloud for so long, that I had created this unpleasant reality for myself. I believed I was unlovable, unworthy and that somehow I was to blame for being exiled from that half of my family. When the reality is, no one in that family had the tools or skills to handle the conflict or address the issue, nor did they want to admit something so horrible could happen by a role model in that family. No one wanted to admit that something like that could really take place. Instead it was brushed aside as if it never happened, and I was the one who suffered.
“Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot tolerate having words wrapped around it. What it craves is secrecy, silence and judgment. If you stay quiet, you stay in a lot of self-judgment.
– Brene Brown
For all that time I went unhealed, I lost my relationship with my Higher Power. I had just accepted things the way they were, but I was angry and confused. So I just lived in anger for many years. I had no idea that there was an opportunity for healing and growth, by finding support and new tools. Over the years I had met a few people here and there that had gone through similar, but never did anyone actually talk about it. It was one of those things of “That happened to me too.” and nothing more. I never had an example from someone who had healed through it. I had no idea that leaving those wounds untreated and un-talked about, was causing me to live with this underlying notion that I was somehow unworthy and undeserving. Instead the women I knew who had it happen to them too, were experiencing the same negative thinking so it became normal. I knew over the years that things didn’t feel right and that what had happened to me was wrong, but that didn’t change my internal dialogue. I was still hard on myself and unable to work through it. Finally one day I woke up, and I needed something different. I didn’t know how, but I woke up everyday to figure it out. I put myself through therapy, support groups, and I built a solid foundation of natural supports. I went through trainings and I researched everything I could in order to understand why I was the way I was. There were lots of stumbles along the way, but I know that my journey happened just the way it was meant to.
Though it may have taken me 24 years to recover fully (forgiveness and all), I am a much stronger person now. I now have the strength to stand up and speak my truth. I now have the strength to share my experience, strength and hope. I now have the strength to stand for change. My experience will help many people for years to come, and though the brokenness of that biological family is extreme, I am grateful that as an individual, I have healed. Now through my recovery, I get to help others in ways that I once needed.
Something I have been working really hard at these last few days is to unapologetically honor my feelings… even when I feel shame or like my feelings are wrong in some way. Honoring my feelings with kindness and really being present to allow myself to feel them fully, is a practice that allows me an opportunity to grow and to heal. To really turn toward them, rather than push away from them, opens things up for self-discovery. It also shows that I respect myself as an individual and that I have compassion for the fact that I am human, with human emotions. Someone asked me, ‘how do you honor your feelings?’. Well, I set aside time and create a space for myself, where I feel comfortable enough to feel my feelings and I allow myself to work through those feelings without judgment. Sadness for instance. I set myself up in a calming, judgment-free zone, with meditative music and plenty of tissues, so that I can work through why I am sad. I write it out in a journal, talk it out with a friend or my Higher Power, practice mindfulness and I let the tears flow. I honor the fact that I might be feeling guilt, abandonment, powerlessness, vulnerability, loneliness or depression. Instead of carrying all of those emotions with me or being in denial that they exist, I allow myself the time to work through them and really honor why they exist to me. This way they do not end up affecting me in negative ways. In the past, I was really good about denying my feelings access to surface. It was the example I had been given… to just push my feelings aside and move forward as if they didn’t exist. Not to mention when a person gets shut down enough, told they’re being too sensitive or even when ridiculed for feeling a particular way, it’s only natural that we shut down. I have come to learn that is not healthy for my well-being, and instead through lots of practice, I allow myself the space to process and dig deep as to why I am feeling a certain way.
All over the place I see people denying access to their feelings and pushing forward as if nothing is bothering them. And in doing so, outsiders can see when those same individuals become irritable and unreasonable, without even knowing it. Much like addiction, when we deny ourselves access to feeling our feelings, we cover it all up in other (unhealthy) ways… without even realizing it. And those same folks are so far deep into their denial, that there is nothing that we can do besides lead by example and practice vulnerability ourselves, to show others that it’s okay. When we create a safe space, we open up the opportunity for us to discover things about ourselves and others, that we likely wouldn’t have seen before. This is now a daily practice for me, to really check in with myself and take a moral inventory, so that I am honoring my feelings and I can work through them without denying them access to surface. This is what helps me to continue on as a healthy individual. This allows me to work through the healing process at a much more efficient pace. I also recognize that I once upon a time ago really struggled with reacting before thinking about how to respond. Letting the pressure build up to the point that all I could do was to snap, not even knowing why because I never even considered allowing myself time to work through anything I was going through. Instead I just pushed it all down deep and put one foot in front of the other in an attempt to push forward. It was an unhealthy, but very natural way of life that so many people lead. It is all around us. And reality is, the majority of people, are denying themselves access to their true feelings. That’s part of why vulnerability is so scary for most people. Being vulnerable means we open ourselves up and have to take a real hard look at ourselves. We might just discover something we have been in denial about, that we won’t like, or something we have yet to know about ourselves. We might discover that we are living a lie, or that we have been covering up true feelings because we are worried about judgment. Lately for me, it’s been guilt and selfishness. Those two negative feelings have been keeping me from really honoring or working through feelings I have… because they feel wrong. Once I realized I was not being true to myself, I took the time to identify those negative feelings and work through them… unapologetically. Reality is, it’s important for us to work through our emotions with honesty and respect, even if we don’t agree with them… our feelings are valid. Our feelings are an authentic expression of who we are on a deeper level. So allow yourself to feel the pain, discomfort and negative feelings, because we can’t have the light without the dark.
“I can transform my feelings by being present with them.”
– Gabby Bernstein
Having a daily practice of vulnerability and honoring one’s feelings, gives us the chance to grow beyond what we believe we are capable of. And to really own our feelings, gives us a possibility to improve our self-worth, self-acceptance and self-love. It’s important that we acknowledge our emotions and look deeply at who we are, so that we can be the best versions of ourselves and truly honor who we are as individuals, rather than denying access to what our deepest part of ourselves truly desires. True healing and really honoring oneself fully, comes when we give ourselves permission to feel what we are truly feeling at our core. And though this exercise takes time and lots of practice, a great place to start is to create a safe space, set aside a specific amount of time, and really give yourself that time to be vulnerable and present with yourself. Let the tears flow even. The rest will come in time. So honor yourself, and get to know your inner truth.
Just as the title reads, this is the Season of Change. At the start of every new year, many people create resolutions and are working hard to stay on track to be successful. What many might not understand, is that change takes time. Often this is why people get discouraged and go back to their old habits. We put expectations on ourselves and when we fail, we will beat ourselves up or even give up completely. The fact of the matter is, it takes us a long time to learn our behaviors. Wouldn’t you think it holds true that it would take just as long (if not longer), to overcome them? Over the years I was one of those that just often set goals and would get frustrated when I didn’t succeed right away or had setbacks. Now after lots of practice and many tools, I am able to recognize that slow and steady wins the race. I work hard every day at being patient with myself so that I don’t fall back into my old habits and that negative self-talk does not take over. It’s a journey. And honestly, it’s easy to get discouraged or drift away from our goals when all the things in life are happening. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. It’s just hard because often we don’t even realize it’s happening until we are in deep and at our breaking point.
Some may warn us but denial is so often our first instinct because then we would have to admit we are sinking. It takes making a conscious decision to take one’s own inventory on a regular basis, in order to make sure we are not creeping back to where we were. It’s hard work, but thankfully I have gained the right support and tools to help me work through it all and grow from everything I learn. There was a day that I would have just continued on in my complaining or negativity, rather than finding gratitude and forgiveness in all things. But now, I find gratitude for my experiences and forgiveness for not knowing any better.
Forgiveness has been topic of conversation the last week or so, which I am thankful for because it is always a good reminder. Growing up, forgiveness is not something that we practiced. Naturally that followed me through adulthood. It was a foreign concept to me when I started my recovery. And it took me years to unpack what forgiveness really means. There were many situations in my life that I look back on, that I realize would have been much different had I known forgiveness then. So instead I practice it now, even for myself, for not knowing any better. Plus now, when I am hurt or angry, I work hard to process my feelings, let things go and practice forgiveness everyday, for others and myself. It’s not about what someone might have done or how they hurt me. This is about freeing up the space in my mind and heart to welcome more positive things. I no longer feel the need to defend myself or try to be heard. Instead I let others make their choices, and then I just practice forgiveness and set healthy boundaries. Which is also such a great way for me to maintain relationships with people I care about. Besides, we are all only human beings, doing what we know in that moment. If we want to help them do different, we should do different. Lead by example, and practice those values in all our affairs. And you know what… no matter what happens, when I practice forgiveness, I win every time.
“Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness.”
Gerald Jampolsky
Since forgiveness has been playing such a big role in my life, I have the opportunity for all of these amazing positive things now! Even when life happens. Even when someone intentionally hurts me. Even when I have every right to be angry. And yes, even when I don’t follow through on this years resolution. Instead, I get to walk into 2022 knowing that this is the Season of Change, because whatever happens, I have all the tools and support that I need to continue my journey as a healthy individual and conquer it all with grace. Because I will show up to put in the hard work. Every. Single. Day.
I wasn’t going to post quite yet but as I was sitting here, I realized that I kind of need to. I’m going through a lot right now and I always feel better when I get things off my chest. The pressure has been building up. I am doing my best to take care of myself and really using all of my tools and support. It’s just also been quite the journey. Every day I am having to spend quite a bit of time healing physically and emotionally. In getting better, there are days that are harder than others, as sometimes things get worse before they get better, but I continue to push through. Being in pain has a way of wearing on one’s mental health. Which is why I have had to self-care every day, sometimes multiple times a day. It has a way of catching up to a person after so long though. Sitting here I caught myself starting to have negative self-talk and really just started doubting myself. Doubting my abilities, my skills, my parenting, my friendships, my future… it all just came at me at once. That’s how I knew it was time to write and share. Over the years, the gap between when negative self-talk creeps in, to using my tools, has significantly improved to the tiniest little gap. It’s taken years of practice for me to get to this place that I can so easily pull a tool out of my pocket and use it to get better. Not to say that I don’t have my moments, but often that just means I need to call someone and reason things out with another person. It works so often. I have a long list of supportive individuals, who make it easier for me to stay better. When I first started my recovery, picking up the phone and saying out loud what was going on, was by far the hardest thing I think I have ever done. But once I did, and I realized I wasn’t alone in my journey, and came to learn that there were others just like me, I got better. And I kept getting better. And honestly, I have no plan of slowing down any time soon when it comes to my growth. There are so many people in my life and that I care about, that I know are struggling with where I once was, and that helps motivate me to keep doing what I’m doing with this project and with improving my tools and support, so that more support can be available to those who need it. Knowing we are not alone in something, can really help someone overcome. Shame is such a hard part of that process. With shame comes vulnerability, and that can be SO hard to overcome. Especially when there is untreated trauma, addiction, mental illness… it can honestly keep someone sick. I am so glad that I have learned to speak about even things I once thought were unspeakable. Now I have come to learn that there is no shame in our experiences. Instead, we have a chance to overcome and get better, when we reason things out with another person. We can find new ways of handling situations or conflict, new ways of being. When I look back at my life and how I got to where I am today, I don’t see shame… I see strength. I overcame my generational trauma’s and broke the cycle that I grew up in. I have overcome most of my trauma’s that I have gained over the many years. I am no longer stuck where I was; I am now growing in every direction. And where I am still struggling, I practice my tools everyday because I know that in the not so far future, I will be an even better version of myself. I am now a leader of positive change and recovery. Leading by example. Sharing my truth. Being vulnerable in everything I do. Doing something I never thought I’d be strong enough to. And even on the most challenging of days, everything is okay. I’m okay. Because between the tools, support and my Higher Power, I know that everything will work out just the way it should. In regards to how this fits into my project, it has been setback after setback, but I continue to push forward and when I get setback, I always find that it happened for a reason I couldn’t see right away, but ends up working out just as it should. I’d encourage anyone going through a hard time to hang on as tight as you can, call a friend or a lifeline, say a prayer or meditate, and give yourself time and compassion to wait out whatever it is you are going through. Because in the end, you might be surprised. In the meantime, just know that there are people out there who love and care for you, and want to see you get better. There is no shame in going through the motions of life. We are as sick as our secrets. And somewhere out there, someone else has gone through something similar whom is waiting to share their story with you, so you too can get better and realize you are not alone to carry the burden of what you have been through. Keep coming back. The best has yet to come.
