It sometimes proves to be difficult to not allow those negative thoughts of inadequacy to creep in. They just come out of nowhere. Today was a little different though. I work really hard to be self aware and to always take my own inventory. It’s really important to me so that I can continue my journey of growth. When the feelings of inadequacy hit me today, I shared them with another person. I gave myself a few minutes to feel my feelings, then I set it aside and went about my day. That’s hard to do sometimes. There was a day that I was not able to do that, but instead it would all weigh heavy on me and turn my whole day into a crapshoot. I’m grateful for the many tools and support I have today. Well throughout the day today, those feelings kept coming to my brain and I would ask myself “why do I feel this way?”. I recognize that I am breaking 30+ years of bad habits and living a particular lifestyle. I am breaking a lifetime of what a knew, and instead trying to lead a better life, and in doing so, I question whether or not I have ever truly been cared about. That was a rough thing to ask myself. I know that I am cared for by many today, but it feels different than what I was once upon a time used to know as being cared for, which also makes me wonder if I was ever truly cared for. That’s a hard pill to swallow… the thought that the love I’ve known wasn’t real because those people were not capable of loving another person. And honestly, it’s hard not to feel cared about when I am on my own so often. It gives me time to allow doubt to settle in. It’s yet another cycle I am working hard to overcome. Growing so frequently is quite the chore some days. But thankfully with practice, it gets easier and easier, and it’s always totally worth it. I know I’m not alone in feeling these ways… feeling inadequate or unloved. It’s hard. Especially when trying to stay strong all the time and lead by example for other people going through the same thing. I am grateful that part of this journey is talking about these things and reminding folks they aren’t alone… it allows space for even more support which is pretty amazing. Anyways, I mainly just wanted to share how I felt today. I’ve been working hard on getting the candle stuff going. Though it may not seem like it, I have been, and it also hasn’t been helping with feeling the way I have. After spending as many years as I have not feeling good enough, it takes more than a few weeks to feel better about oneself so I just work hard at it everyday and am slowly getting better and making progress. Soon I will be where I should be. Stay tuned!