Category: Part of the Journey

This last week has been quite the week. I am officially full swing into motion. I am scared. I keep doubting my abilities. I keep thinking I’m going to fail. I keep having to call my support people for miniature pep talks. It’s especially hard with added pressure that I’ve been experiencing with some outside influences. But I will remain calm, not engage in unhealthy behaviors and stand tall knowing that I am on a journey of helping people. I am doing my best to keep my head above water and not fall into depression, keeping up the momentum. I have worked too hard to fall backwards. Thank goodness for all of the tools in my toolbox, my many self-care activities, and the support that stands behind me and beside me. It’s amazing how different my life is now compared to only a year ago. I am surrounded by wonderful supportive people who believe in me, more than I believe in myself. There are a few who want to see me fail, and I do struggle sometimes not letting that get to me, but with my support and tools, I am doing it. Some days are just easier than others, with ups and downs. I know that for myself, growing up in alcoholic home, coupled with all of the trauma from prior sexual abuse, domestic violence, and the years of being mistreated, has made moments of being put down and mistreated hard to deal with. It means I have to work harder at reminding myself that I am deserving of good things… that I am enough. Because when someone tries to tear me down or projects their own issues and insecurities onto me, I have a bad habit of carrying that stuff as if it were my own. And thankfully I’ve been working years on recovering from people pleasing and not having a voice. It’s new for me, but I think I’m doing okay. Just means that I sometimes take 3 steps forward, 2 steps back and have to hand it over to my Higher Power. At least I’m still taking steps forward. It’s important to me that I continue growing as a person, and continue to work through my prior bad behaviors… people pleasing and my silence included. I guess in that journey, I’ll be setting boundaries which some people just do not like, but they are necessary and there for a reason. Now with recent life changes, I now have the space to go after what I want. I’ve spent this last year doing Research & Development. I have learned so much about my community and the individuals that occupy this community. This is going to be quite the journey. And I look forward to getting the community involved. I just need to find ways to not allow the stresses of outside forces to bring me down. It will be important that I use my tools and my support to help carry me through this uncomfortable and yet exciting time. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come! Even if I have a hard time believing it, I know that it’s true.

Here I am again. It’s been a little over 6 months since I wrote last. I decided months ago I needed to take some time to do some healing and just really reflect on all the things that were going on in my life. I was pretty overwhelmed with gratitude and lots of trauma was surfacing. Not to mention some events that happened last year, which really brought a lot of things to light for me but also allowed me to finally get some closure. All the things that have happened were meant to happen just the way they did. I know that’s so cliche but the fact of the matter is, I wouldn’t take any of it back. As some may know, I took on a new job a little over a year ago. And I absolutely love what I do. I work side-by-side with people who are active in addiction, working through recovery, or even just folks who have lived experience. I work with them and help them overcome by partnering with them and teaching them how to be strong, capable individuals by just being there for them, teaching them tools I’ve learned, offering support and helping get them connected to resources that will help them meet their goals. It’s the most rewarding work I’ve ever done. It’s really given me a lot of experience and helped me grow as a person. I feel I am a much better person today, than I was a year ago, five years ago, and even fifteen years ago. I never would have imagined I would be where I am today. This journey has definitely taken me off course though, that’s for sure. I just am grateful though because I have gained a lot of support. I have never had the type of support I have now! I am blessed beyond measure. I’ve come to learn that some people are still just angry, hurt people who take their own internal issues out on those who shine, so of course I am still dealing with some issues that I am very familiar with. The only difference now is that I am that much stronger, that it’s easier for me to not take on the issues of others. I no longer feel the need to carry the weight of the world. Instead I have an army of support people who help me carry it. It’s amazing what all of the hard work and perseverance can do. I can say with confidence that I am a better version of myself than I have ever been. Of course I am still working through a lot of things. I am actively working to overcome some childhood trauma that I repressed for over 20 years. I am still working on gaining the confidence to stand tall without needing to constantly lean on my friends or family. I am still learning my own self-worth. I finally am starting to believe that I am loveable. But I am doing all the work and it feels amazing. I still want to help people. I still want to teach others what I have learned. I still want to offer hope and love to those who are lacking it in their life. I just haven’t figured out how it all ties in together. What I do know though, is that I am going to take my own experience, strength and hope, and turn it into something amazing. Over the next couple of months, once school is out for the summer, I plan to work on the candles again. It’d be great to create a little nest egg, and a customer base, that could potentially help me move more into the direction I am hoping to go. I just have to find a way to put my mission down on paper. To find a way to put my words down in a way that I am understood and my intentions are clear. I’m also still really working hard to not let others affect me. Some days are harder than others. But I will continue to keep learning new tools and be a stronger person, so that I too can help teach others to overcome these hard times that I find as well. And together we will grow stronger, building an army of support and hope. Maybe that’s been my intention this whole time… to build an army of support. To build an army of healthy people who want to join the journey of spreading hope and love to every person they come in contact with. I am doing it and it is coming together, little by little. I know I’ve said it before, and this definitely won’t be the last time, but stay tuned followers… the best has yet to come!

Hello my dear readers. Today is the start of yet another new year. Twenty-twenty was a chaotic, memorable year for all of us. I know for myself that the last 365 days have proven to be quite triggering for probably years to come. This last year was full of obstacles, setbacks and defeats, in every area of my life. The year was also full of growth, triumphs and joy. Bitter sweet if you will. Just as many others, I hope that the new year brings with it less curveballs and more things to celebrate. I am grateful that through most challenges, I had support to help me through when things got hard. That really helped soften the blow to all the hard things I had to carry. Of course there were good things and bad things that have happened. I meant it when I said that this last year was memorable. One for the record books for sure. Twenty-twenty has brought on new way of life into the new year. I believe many have reflected back on the year we just had, and set forth even better resolutions than years prior. For myself, I hope to overcome my fears and insecurities. I’m not sure how to do that, or if I ever will, but I do know that it will involve more of asking for the things I want… Saying “I love you” more often… Living life more freely… allowing myself to be vulnerable… and not allowing my fear or insecurities to get the best of me. I don’t anticipate that it will be easy. It seems nothing ever is. Oh I’d love for just anything to be easy. But reality is, there is always something, easy or not, that gets heavy after a while. It’s just a matter of how we carry the load. I do my best to carry the load with my head high, and when I can’t do it on my own, I have others to call upon to help me. It’s the gift of Natural Supports… Relationships and personal associations within a community that strengthen and buildup ones quality of life. It’s the one thing that I feel that I was truly missing for the last 35 years, whether that was my inability to appreciate the natural supports around me, or it was my lack of. And now that I have awareness of what it means to have healthy natural supports, I know that it is the basis of what I want to help others learn how to build for themselves within their own communities. It’s what helps people to overcome their struggles. Having a positive, non-judgmental someone to call when times get hard, makes all the difference to anyone’s personal growth and recovery. I’m not sure that in the past I would have been capable of maintaining a relationship with a positive support person. Probably why I am unfamiliar with the territory. That’s the great thing about what I am able to do now in the work I do… I help others get to the point that they are ready for those positive support people. It’s great practice for what my vision is, for the impact I want to make in this community. And when the time comes, it starts with just a candle… made with love. So to conclude, I must say… ultimately, this last year was a gift. A gift indeed. Stay tuned and Happy New Year followers. The best has yet to come.

It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve written. Honestly I don’t really have anything particular that comes to mind to share but I figured it’d be worth putting my fingers to the keys to see what transpires. These last couple of weeks have been something else. So much so that I really just don’t know how to put it into words. Many things have happened, that all just remind me of why all of this is important to me. For those who don’t know what I currently do for my day job, I’ll give you a little background. I consider my day job ‘Research and Development’ for helping me construct this business and this ‘R&D’ is a very important piece of the puzzle. I work with the vulnerable community and help connect those individuals to resources. Most of what I do is getting to know people, and help encourage them to keep going even when they have all the reasons in the world to give up. I respond to crisis in the community and I partner with local law enforcement. That’s a pretty cool part of my job. I work with my participants to help them rediscover their true selves while they work to overcome their past traumas, addiction, lack of self-worth, and so many other things. It’s some of the most rewarding work I have ever done. I never imagined I would be doing something like this. I also never imagined that I would have the tools that I have today, that I get to share with so many others. This work can also be really, really hard. I’ve lost multiple people this month by both addiction and suicide. That’s never easy. I know for myself, I work really hard to put one foot in front of the other, and take things One Day At A Time. I’m also only human so some days are easier than others. It’s funny how the most hurt people are the best at helping others. I’m grateful for all of the support I have now because without them, I don’t think I would be where I am today. Every single day I think about giving up. I doubt myself. I struggle with it just like many others do. And now that I’m healthier than I was before, thankfully I ask for help… I go to my support people, even when I’m feeling really sad… I allow myself to be vulnerable. Sure I get hurt. It’s kind of part of the process. It’s what I do with it that really matters. About a year ago, I opened myself up again and allowed myself to be vulnerable, which ended in getting hurt. I want to say ‘unfortunately’, but I really can’t, because like I said, I allowed myself to be vulnerable again and that I never thought was gonna be possible. And sure things didn’t work out the way I had hoped but I know that they worked out the way they should have. And it’s taken me the last 6 months to catch my bearings but I think I finally am there. Yesterday was quite the day. Holidays are always really hard. Lonely. It was nice though, just my son and I. And right when I was feeling really down, I got this random phone call from a friend who gave me a little reminder that everything really does happen as it should. And it’s okay to feel sad that things don’t happen the way we want them to. We just have to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and try again. The point is that we don’t stay down. I’ve always admired those who bounce back so quickly. I’ve never been that type. I am truly blessed to have so many support people in my life that put their hand out to help me up when I don’t have the strength to do it on my own. So here I go… I will brush myself off and try again, and again, and again, if that’s what it takes. I hope you as a reader can gain something from my ‘mumbo-jumbo’ nonsense. You see, I am still actively working on finding the right language to share my story in a way that will help other people. In my current employment, I am gaining lots of experience now that I am a Certified Peer Counselor, as well as a Certified Crisis Intervention Specialist-II. Lots of hands-on as you can probably imagine. The training I am receiving will all help me as I continue in this journey of figuring out my place in all of this. What I do know, is that my heart feels strongly to help encourage others in ways that I was not capable of years ago. It took me hitting my own rock-bottom in order for me to get better. And I didn’t have someone there to help me, the way I get to help others. And people don’t have to hit rock-bottom to get better. What I do every day, I consider to be a Living Amends. It feels like the only way worthy enough to show that I am sorry for my past wrong-doings and that I am not the same person I once was, all while not hurting people further. I could be quite hurtful back in the day so there’s much to amend. I hope now you as a reader have a better understanding as to why I do the things that I do and what I hope this business will represent. Apparently I had more to say than I thought I did. I look forward to when I feel ready to take the next steps in this journey. I’m not there yet, but I know it will come and it will be beautiful. Stay tuned followers.

The losses I encounter in the work that I do will never get any easier, especially when related to addiction. Today was a hard day. Lots of tears shed. My heart hurts for those suffering and it just makes me want to hug my loved ones even more than normal and tell them how much I love them. But I also know that hearing that from me while I’m in crisis is not the time. One day I will have the courage to say what’s in my heart. Today I experienced the loss of someone who was an alcoholic but working to take steps to getting better, they just didn’t know how so they stayed active in their addiction, ultimately not being able to make good choices which led to their death. It’s heartbreaking. Addiction is the worse. I’m thankful for my program because every week I am reminded of tools that help me in the hard moments. Tools that remind me that I only have control over myself and how I behave. It’s difficult to detach with love but necessary for ones own serenity. I couldn’t imagine doing anything different than I am already doing. I know that I am doing the right thing because I am inspiring and modeling hope to those who feel hopeless. I know that I made a difference in this persons life. I know that because of me, they smiled more often. I know that because of sharing my own story, this person felt comfortable sharing their story to me which offered them healing. And for those things, it’s all worth it, even on the hardest days like today. Days like today lead me more into figuring out how I can continue what I’m doing and incorporating it into this business. I’m grateful for the individuals this morning that are excited for this project and want to participate in any way to make things happen. It really is just a matter of time. And until that time comes, I shall continue research and development. Stay tuned, more to come!

Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine who asked me if I liked cottage cheese. Random I know but I have a point to sharing this with you. When I went to go answer him, I was hit with memories from my childhood. It reminded me of eating cottage cheese and peaches, as well as many things that I blocked out during that time in my life. This has been going on for a few weeks now. Someone will say something or I’ll see something on social media, at work or in a show, that would have been perfectly fine in the past, and yet now for me it will bring on memories from my childhood that I repressed years and years ago. I don’t remember much of my childhood. There’s a whole block of time I have no recollection of so of course it’s surprising when memories pop up more than 20 years later. Blocking traumatic events out is a fight-flight response. It’s our brains way of protecting itself. These last few weeks have been increasingly difficult because everyday something new is surfacing. A new trigger arises and I am having to cope with it. I am grateful that I have tools now to process the triggers in much healthier ways, but I am exhausted. I am very much aware that my poor coping skills are a big reason as to why things turned out the way they did for me. Had I handled my past better, I think things would be much different. I am working really hard to accept that I am doing better now and I cannot change the past. As things continue to come up, I hope to continue on this path of healthy coping skills and staying above my recovery from the trauma. I hope that in the work that I do with others, that I will somehow be able to make a positive difference in someone’s life so that they don’t learn the hard way like I did. And I am racking my brain as to how I can construct a way to be successful in this business so that others don’t have to go through what I’m going through or have been through, but instead I can share an awe-inspiring story that will help others. I am grateful for the experiences that I have, and I look forward to the day that I am healthy enough that I can share it all with someone so that I’m not going about these scary things all by myself. And until that day comes, I will keep focusing on me and continue to work out details on how I can best help others when they are feeling hopeless much like I have felt the last 20+ years.

It’s been over a month since I wrote last. Life has been quite busy. Thankfully things are starting to slow down… ish. I’m back in school, working my job and still actively working my program. Trauma has been weighing heavy on my mind for the last month, so much so that I started therapy. I’ve personally been experiencing a lot of growth but also I’ve been triggered in big ways so it’s just been a lot of sadness, regret and tears. I’m doing my best to keep my head up and keep moving forward, I’m just definitely feeling my feelings. Letting go is hard. Growing is hard. I often wonder if the triggers will ever get better. It’s been 5 years and still the triggers hit me daily, just as much as they did when everything happened. Recovery from trauma takes a long time, and it’s hard work that’s for sure. As I continue working through my trauma and gaining healthier tools, I am handling the triggers better when they hit. It’s allowing me to hold my composure long enough to get everything done that I need to do and then actually set aside the time to feel my feelings when I have privacy and can process my thoughts. A trigger I had a few days ago hit me pretty unexpectedly, and then it was intensified by other triggers back to back. Who knew peeling boiled eggs could trigger someone. Music and smells are common triggers, but boiled eggs?! It’s things like that, that make me wonder if the triggers will ever stop. I’ve boiled lots of eggs in the last 5 years, so why now? I imagine the triggers may lessen, but likely will never cease to exist. When someone feels something deeply or has a significant loss, that doesn’t just go away. Not to mention finally addressing almost 30 years of trauma is gonna take time. Triggers for me come out of nowhere. I could be doing great, then something will happen, I’ll hear something, see something, watch something, experience something, and then BAM!… I’m in tears with no warning. The other day someone shared what patience meant for them in their recovery and I bawled like a baby. It was a beautiful thing listening to someone openly talk about their addiction, but it definitely triggered me because I would love for my loved ones to overcome their fight with the disease and be able to speak as openly as this gentleman did. And since there’s absolutely nothing I can do besides what I’m already doing, I just have to keep my head up, and pray. So I do just that. Actually, something about prayer came up just today, that inspired me to fill in yet another detail for this business. I know it’s a work in progress, but I’m getting closer and closer to getting things together. I so badly wish everything would happen right now. Of course I have to practice patience in my own recovery, and remember that this is a lifelong journey. The turtle wins the race right? It took me 30 years to create all the trauma, so it only makes sense that it could take that long to overcome it. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come!

Lots of lessons have been learned lately… my heart has been weighing heavy with many things. Most recently it’s the lesson that sometimes we hurt the people we love in order to protect them. I never understood that until now. I remember being angry at my partner for making decisions for us. Decisions that affected our future… our family. I used to be so mad at him. Then today as I was watching a movie, there was a scene of two lovers hurting one another to protect the other. I burst into tears because I know how hard that is to do. I can only imagine how hard that must have been for my partner oh so many years ago. I do it everyday now, and it is one of the hardest things a person could do. It’s like breaking your own heart over and over again. But at the end of the day, you know it’s the right thing to do. It’s a hard place to be and I commend anyone strong enough to put their own desires aside for the sake of someone they love. It’s beautiful and the purest of love in my opinion. It’s what motivates me everyday. It’s what keeps me fighting. I could never let that go in vain, and instead I let it guide me. Of course it’s not ideal by any means, but I’d rather experience love lost and break my own heart over and over, than to not experience it at all. My logo represents soulmates… a twin flame union. Two people who love each other unconditionally. The theory is that when they are together, it’s a love so deep that it’s literally explosive. And when they are apart, the two souls are better versions of themselves because no matter the circumstances, they have each other’s love. It is considered the biggest, deepest, soul connection you could experience. It brings peace, harmony, happiness, and love. I’m truly blessed that I have had the opportunity to experience that kind of love. You know, sometimes I fear sharing things like this but it’s a part of me I can’t deny. It’s what has helped me become the person I am today. The mother I am today. I am forever grateful for that, even if it means I break my own heart over and over again, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been debating about no longer posting. The thing is, I’ve been going through a lot and battling depression. Too many things to even construct it into feelings, let alone words. What I know is that I am on the right path. I am doing the right things. And some things aren’t meant to be shared. I also know that by sharing our Experience, Strength and Hope, we help others. That being the whole basis of what this candle business represents, and why it’s turned into something much bigger, tells me I gotta keep doing what I’m doing. I had met with someone who had me doubting myself and my business. They quickly apologized for their part in things and after that, all these things kept happening that assured me that I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. But the doubt just weighed so much more on me. I’ve always struggled with confidence, self-worth, self-value, and self-doubt. Up until about the last year, I didn’t even believe in myself. Now I do, and I fought those negative feelings as much as I could. I have cried every day because I just didn’t want to believe them, but I did. It was a struggle. I have had to reach out for support a lot and thankfully, I have that support now. I have had to use all the tools that I have learned. I have had to be open and tell people I’m struggling, which is never easy to do. I had to ask someone to give me a daily reminder because things were getting dark. I’m still struggling, but I’m getting better by the day. I imagine this is just like all of the things I’ve struggled with in the past, and that the harder I work on me and focus on me, the more likely I will be to overcome it and soon it will be a distant memory. Just as I mentioned, a year ago I didn’t have the confidence I have today, and even though I’m not where I want to be, I’ve gotten better. Same with courage. That’s actually something I wrote about a few days ago but I deleted the post. I had written that I didn’t have courage. But that’s not true. I have a lot more courage now than I ever have. I was just down on myself because I still have a long ways to go before I have the courage I continue to pray for. That doesn’t mean I don’t have any courage. It just means, I still have a lot of growing to do. One day, I hope to have the courage to say what’s in my heart without worrying about F.E.A.R. I admire those who have that courage, even with everything people go through and all the trauma people carry, I’m surrounded by people who are authentically themselves and love fearlessly. This too shall pass, and one day I too will have that courage. Trust me when I say, this part of my journey, directly affects what is to come. I know I’ve been vague about what my plans are with this business, but things are coming together and will hopefully be more public soon. Oh am I nervous about it, but I know it will be great and I have so many supporters standing behind me and joining me in this journey. It’s actually pretty ridiculous I keep doubting myself. I know that it’s internal and awareness is key, so growth is on it’s way. I just have to be patient with myself. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.

How does one make amends to a loved one for past abuse inflicted on them? I bring this up because that is weighing heavy on my mind this week. I know I’ve been doing it the best way I know how by leading a more positive life, I just can’t help but wonder if I could do more. You see, I’ve dealt with a lot of abuse in my life, and over time, I became the abuser. I treated my loved one the only way I knew how, and I definitely didn’t treat him well. I’m grateful that now I have new tools and have grown as a person, but I still have a lot of regret and shame for my part in things. I actively work on forgiveness on a daily basis, it just takes time. So I guess in this moment, the regret and shame are weighing heavy on my heart. A part of me wishes I could say “I’m sorry” but that just doesn’t seem worthy. Or maybe I could write a letter, but what would I say? So instead, I do nothing besides continue to work on being healthy and no longer behaving in a destructive way. It’s what they call a living amends. What that means is that I live my life in a more positive way, and I am committed to that lifestyle, for myself and for the people I have harmed in the past. I started my journey of a living amends, a little over 4 years ago and I am forever grateful for making that change. In the past, I never would have imagined, I’d be where I am today. It never crossed my mind, that I could overcome my past trauma, and yet here I am. Nor did I believe that I could deserve these wonderful things that keep happening in my life. Of course I am still triggered and growing daily. I’m pretty sure that’s gonna be a lifelong thing, and I’m okay with that. I look forward to growing as a person, and with the people I get to help. So even though these last couple of weeks have been quite challenging for me, I am overwhelmed with gratitude from the growth, the opportunity, and the motivation it has given me.