I wasn’t going to post quite yet but as I was sitting here, I realized that I kind of need to. I’m going through a lot right now and I always feel better when I get things off my chest. The pressure has been building up. I am doing my best to take care of myself and really using all of my tools and support. It’s just also been quite the journey. Every day I am having to spend quite a bit of time healing physically and emotionally. In getting better, there are days that are harder than others, as sometimes things get worse before they get better, but I continue to push through. Being in pain has a way of wearing on one’s mental health. Which is why I have had to self-care every day, sometimes multiple times a day. It has a way of catching up to a person after so long though. Sitting here I caught myself starting to have negative self-talk and really just started doubting myself. Doubting my abilities, my skills, my parenting, my friendships, my future… it all just came at me at once. That’s how I knew it was time to write and share. Over the years, the gap between when negative self-talk creeps in, to using my tools, has significantly improved to the tiniest little gap. It’s taken years of practice for me to get to this place that I can so easily pull a tool out of my pocket and use it to get better. Not to say that I don’t have my moments, but often that just means I need to call someone and reason things out with another person. It works so often. I have a long list of supportive individuals, who make it easier for me to stay better. When I first started my recovery, picking up the phone and saying out loud what was going on, was by far the hardest thing I think I have ever done. But once I did, and I realized I wasn’t alone in my journey, and came to learn that there were others just like me, I got better. And I kept getting better. And honestly, I have no plan of slowing down any time soon when it comes to my growth. There are so many people in my life and that I care about, that I know are struggling with where I once was, and that helps motivate me to keep doing what I’m doing with this project and with improving my tools and support, so that more support can be available to those who need it. Knowing we are not alone in something, can really help someone overcome. Shame is such a hard part of that process. With shame comes vulnerability, and that can be SO hard to overcome. Especially when there is untreated trauma, addiction, mental illness… it can honestly keep someone sick. I am so glad that I have learned to speak about even things I once thought were unspeakable. Now I have come to learn that there is no shame in our experiences. Instead, we have a chance to overcome and get better, when we reason things out with another person. We can find new ways of handling situations or conflict, new ways of being. When I look back at my life and how I got to where I am today, I don’t see shame… I see strength. I overcame my generational trauma’s and broke the cycle that I grew up in. I have overcome most of my trauma’s that I have gained over the many years. I am no longer stuck where I was; I am now growing in every direction. And where I am still struggling, I practice my tools everyday because I know that in the not so far future, I will be an even better version of myself. I am now a leader of positive change and recovery. Leading by example. Sharing my truth. Being vulnerable in everything I do. Doing something I never thought I’d be strong enough to. And even on the most challenging of days, everything is okay. I’m okay. Because between the tools, support and my Higher Power, I know that everything will work out just the way it should. In regards to how this fits into my project, it has been setback after setback, but I continue to push forward and when I get setback, I always find that it happened for a reason I couldn’t see right away, but ends up working out just as it should. I’d encourage anyone going through a hard time to hang on as tight as you can, call a friend or a lifeline, say a prayer or meditate, and give yourself time and compassion to wait out whatever it is you are going through. Because in the end, you might be surprised. In the meantime, just know that there are people out there who love and care for you, and want to see you get better. There is no shame in going through the motions of life. We are as sick as our secrets. And somewhere out there, someone else has gone through something similar whom is waiting to share their story with you, so you too can get better and realize you are not alone to carry the burden of what you have been through. Keep coming back. The best has yet to come.
