Tag: one step at a time

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Back to Basics

5-6 min read

The last week has been the hardest since the surgery. I was beyond irritable, snapping at everything, and the anger was just building up. I knew something wasn’t right. I made the decision to take myself off of my pain meds. It was necessary. As soon as I was able to be more clear headed, I was hit with waves of grief. I spent two days in bed, trying to feel my feelings. There were lots of tears, and honestly, I’m still working through it all. It always amazes me how grief likes to sneak up when we are at our most vulnerable. Grief is something that I have come to embrace and process in healthy ways. It looks much different now in my life than it did for all the years before my recovery. It was so uncomfortable at first, I wanted nothing to do with it. It was scary, stressful, painful, sad. All things I didn’t want to feel. Nor did I have the tools or support to grieve in any healthy way. After knowing how to shove it down for so many years, being healthy about it was not something I knew anything about. I sure came to learn though how not grieving showed up in my life… through anger, irritability, depression, fear, overthinking, obsession, poor coping. I could go on. What matters now is that I have all the tools and support to help me identify when I’m not doing well and how to move through grief in ways that don’t affect my life in negative ways any longer. Learning about the different stages of grief was a big part of the process of learning to cope in a positive manner. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. And each of those stages has unique ways of working through them. Even after all these years, I still move through the stages of grief of things I thought I’d accepted, and I have to work through the process all over again. You see, grief is overwhelming sadness and a series of goodbyes. It comes in waves. Just when you think that you moved through something, there is a chance of being re-triggered and having to start the process all over again. As long as you are aware enough to come out of denial, you will be able to move through the next stages that much easier. And it truly does get easier each time. The recent days I was feeling irritable, I knew that I was feeling something that I wasn’t processing properly. Every little thing was making me angry and sensitive. By taking myself off of my pain meds, I gave myself the headspace to truly see what was going on. Grief. Grieving something I’ve worked on grieving for many years, and somehow every time I am vulnerable, it comes up again and I’m working through it all over again. Something will pop up and it’s back to step one… back to basics. That’s okay. I sure am grateful that I have the ability to pick myself up when I am back there again, because I’ve come to learn that it’s a normal part of the process of working through our emotions in healthy ways. And you know what? It’s okay to not be okay. As long as we don’t stay there. Grief is meant to visit. It’s what helps us grow. I for one, wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for the grief that I’ve experienced. Grief is proof that love existed and the loss of whatever it is, was painful because that love was there. By denying grief and not working through it properly, we deny love. We deny honoring what the love gave us. Why would we do that? It might be uncomfortable to truly feel grief, I get it. But by denying it, we are denying our true, raw, authentic feelings. So… for the next few days, I plan to take extra care of myself and really feel my feelings. Work through the grief. And honor what it is giving to me. I know it will fade again, as it always does. I also know that the grief will be back again, as it always is. And that’s okay. Because honoring grief, and truly letting it show up in my life, is proof that love existed. That’s something I need because there are more days that I have forgotten that, than there are days I remember it. Just for today, I will go back to basics, taking things one day at a time, accepting I am powerless, and using the tools I have been so blessed to receive.

God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can. And wisdom to know the difference.

– Serenity Prayer

Though grief may not seem like it should be a part of my physical recovery, it plays a much bigger role than you’d think. For me to be intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually healthy, I have to work through it so that I can be strong enough to push through my physical healing. These are important parts of ourselves that need the most tender love and care. Otherwise, I know I risk remaining irritable, angry, and depressed, causing more harm to myself and others around me. If you are struggling with grief, reach out for help. Admit to yourself and someone else that you are struggling. We are not meant to go through grief on our own. Rely on your community, on your family and friends. Let them show up for you. And pray. The grief is worth honoring, no matter what stage or how long ago the loss happened. Grief knows no time limit. If you can practice the things I mentioned above, you will grow, heal, and find gratitude, and that’s a beautiful gift worth working toward.

Through my grief, I have found ways to express myself, self care, and to give back, to ensure I’m honoring everything I’ve received through the healing process and what I’ve learned along the way. I feel called to a higher purpose of sharing my experience, strength, and hope, to help others in their own journey of recovery. And in order for me to be successful in this, I must practice self care every day. An act many of us could do better in. To grieve and grow in healthy ways, we must learn and practice the art of self care. Because self care is the best care we can give ourselves, to help us be successful through the challenging process known as recovery.

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Unapologetically Me

Unapologetically Me

5-6 min read

It’s hard to know where to start when it’s been so long since I wrote last. I miss writing. The thing is, I’ve had to step way back and focus only on myself. It’s quite the challenge, but absolutely necessary. It’s meant that I have had to give up things I really enjoy. I’ve had to put dreams on hold. I’ve had to step away from relationships that don’t serve me. I’ve had to take a different path completely. I’ve also had to advocate for myself more than ever. I’ve had to work on forgiveness and acceptance. I’ve had to grow in ways I didn’t know I was capable of. Everything probably happened just the way it did so that I could be sitting right here and typing these exact words for you to read. It’s almost uncomfortable but then again, we grow when we are out of comfort zone.

For a little context, 9 months ago today, I had a car accident that turned my life upside down. It still manages to affect me today, in really big ways, but I have managed to get stronger and grow more each day. I don’t cry in pain anymore like I did… most days anyways. I’ve learned to adapt and work around the pain, so that I can continue to live my life and find any joy or serenity. Some days I don’t move and other days I move mountains. But even my days in bed mean something. Those are the days I am recouping my strength to keep on my journey. Some days I amaze myself that I have managed the way I have. I couldn’t have done it without my supportive community, that’s for sure. I am truly grateful for the support and proud of myself for how I have handled everything. Of course, I know this journey is far from over. There will be a lifetime of learning and growth. Afterall, I am an imperfect human being that has much to learn. I am filled with so much gratitude, I sometimes get overwhelmed that I don’t have enough physical energy to express it. The pain I’m in every waking moment, takes everything I have to give. It drains me often. I’ve been in survival mode now for a long time. I am tired. I’ve been tired. Truth is that my recovery saved me…. And continues to save me. If this would have happened 5-10 years ago, I probably would have ended my life. Then again… there have still been some days the thought has crossed my mind. Not as often anymore, but over the last 9 months, it still happened more times than I can count on both hands. A person in excruciating pain like this every day, can’t live a positive or healthy life without a large village of supporters. So, I’ve had to completely expose myself and allow others to pick up where I am not able. Talk about uncomfortable. I have been helped in more ways than I can express… and yet, there were literally still days it wasn’t enough. Giving things up just to have the mental capacity to survive, was all I could do. And there were days when something would take me off guard, or I wasn’t ready for, or were emotionally heavy, or even multiple things at once coming at me, and then it just made me mush. Almost as if I were incapable of functioning. I would literally beg and pray for any relief at that point. Eventually I gave up everything and said “Okay Higher Power, I’m listening…” and was led to where I am today. After that point, every step of the way I have consulted with my Higher Power. I have handed things over, kicking and screaming sometimes, and somehow everything turns out better than okay. And even though there is still quite a ways to go in my physical recovery, I know that my recovery journey is right on track.

The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.

– Confucius

There are still many opportunities for me to work through forgiveness, acceptance, understanding and much more. All I can do is take things One Step At A Time and keep working my recovery. If I go any faster, I will fall backwards. Honestly, this time down with a physical ailment, is a true blessing. I’m sure I would have been much more resistant otherwise. Amazing how things work out the way they do. Now I am mostly stable. I get through each day with my pain. Some days are hard, but I have lots of support and tools to help me through. And… the doctors finally have a plan to help! That part was hard, and likely an area I need to work on forgiveness. Being told repeatedly that the pain is in your head or that it’s only a flare-up is super frustrating. It took everything I had to advocate for myself this whole time. To finally be heard. And to be kind through the process. There is no way someone feels this much pain 24 hours a day and it’s just nothing. I’m glad I was resilient and stood my ground. I’m glad I kept refusing to take no for an answer. Now that I know what’s wrong, there is some relief. I can carve out the time I need to give my body rest. There is anxiety too. Surgery feels like a big deal. Not to mention, my life is not really set up for surgery. It’s not something I even considered really, because for so long I was told something else. But there is so much hope! Hope for recovery. Hope for pain-free days to come. Hope for putting this hardship behind me. I may have to set aside my business, school, friendships, you name it… but in the end, I will be stronger and more capable when it comes time to pick up where I left off. And maybe most wouldn’t understand what I’m going through but it’s pretty incredible that this hardship… this journey… has given me the practice and strength to be unapologetically me. That sure counts for something.

Amber T

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Lows come and go…

Almost everyday for over a month now I have sat at this computer screen and attempted to write this blog post. Every single time I have struggled with finding the courage to be vulnerable and actually share anything of value. I was doing so good there for the first month, writing every week. It’s about Progress, Not Perfection right? I was using my tools and calling all my support people. And even though I was going through something heavy, I was still pushing forward. The holidays were making it a little more difficult so I was falling a bit short around then as well, but what really set me back was a car accident. The weekend after Thanksgiving I was rear-ended, leaving me in pain these last few weeks. I’ve lived with chronic pain for 8 years now because of another car accident, and I was getting so much better with my physical therapy and daily yoga. It was finally manageable after all these years. Now after this most recent accident, I am unable to do most of my daily activities and I’m busy with daily exercises, appointments of chiropractic and physical therapy. Then my mental health started to decline. Before the accident I was doing my best to keep my head up high even though I was battling depression, but once I was in high pain again like before, I just couldn’t push through it anymore. Now I am susceptible to exposure in any situation because in any moment I might breakdown and cry, because being in pain and having to do all the things, just doesn’t seem possible and it’s extremely overwhelming. I keep getting stuck in the thought that I am going to feel this way for years to come and it just makes everything else feel so much heavier. I am so truly grateful for all of the support that I have had this last month. The support who have driven me to my appointments, cleaned my house, gone grocery shopping for me, bought us gifts, listened to me when I was hitting my lows. That first couple weeks after the accident were a test for me. Accepting help is not something I have ever done well. And asking for help was even more foreign. Now here I am these last few weeks, getting in lots of practice because my only other choice would be to hurt myself trying to take care of everything on my own like I normally do. Accepting and asking for help is extremely vulnerable for me. And frankly that has been the only type of vulnerability I could handle this last month, making it difficult for me in other areas of my life. Anything outside of my immediate pain, I have had to set aside my healing or growth so that I can focus on my physical healing, because I do not want to live with this pain for years like I did with my last accident, nor have I had the mental capacity to handle anything outside of that. I want to heal and recover, so that I can excel in my future goals, not hurt myself. Pain has a way of bringing a person down. Even the strongest of people will break down when the pain is coupled with too many of life’s burdens. Anyone who lives with chronic pain might understand that sometimes when it gets bad enough, we just want it to end because thinking about living with that pain for years to come, seems unbearable. Nobody wants to think that way, but that’s a reality for those of us who have pain we don’t know how to heal, with no resolve. I’ve had to give myself space to accept that in order for me to get better, I have to move really slow, focus on myself, and really advocate for my care. I have to set aside all of my goals and adjust my plan to work only on the things that will help my recovery, not hinder it. My mind wants to move fast and just be done with it all, and sometimes even want to give up because recovery doesn’t seem possible and I’m exhausted from trying to be heard, but I know that is not true, that I will get better and that my pain is not in my head. So I’ve had to be extra kind with myself and slow down to a pace I didn’t know I was capable of. And with this new pace of mine, I am finding that I am constantly out of my comfort zone; having to say no more often, asking for & accepting help, not accomplishing things I normally would, and just all around having to re-prioritize things. I know that with all of this comes growth, and I am looking forward to getting better and sharing it all with you. It’s just been quite the journey, showing me just how blessed I am to have all the tools and support that I do. I wouldn’t be able to do this and recover the way that I am, if it wasn’t for that. In the past I probably would have fallen much farther back. Instead I am focusing on my long-term recovery, healing my body and mind equally. I am so glad too because slowly I am getting a little better. In the past I wouldn’t have had the support or resilience to push through and get the answers needed in order to get better. I would have given up the first time I got frustrated. Slowly I am getting answers to the next steps I have to take for a full recovery. Slowly I am learning new tools and really finding out what it means to be vulnerable in other areas of my life. It is vulnerable to ask for and accept help. It is vulnerable to call a friend in tears because you are hurting. It is vulnerable to say “I am not capable” of something you’ve done a thousand times before. It is vulnerable to say “I’m focusing on me right now” because brain fog is a real thing; I couldn’t focus on anything else if I wanted to. It is vulnerable to tell your doctor over and over again that you are hurting. It is vulnerable to admit that you are not okay. And it is okay to not be okay. It’s about what we do when we are down. It’s even okay to stay there for a short while. What’s important is that we get up, even if that means we have to take someone’s hand to pull us up, and we put one foot in front of the other, taking things One Step At A Time if we have to. And what’s so wonderful about it all, is that through recovery these last few years, I have found an army of amazingly strong people who are willing to help lift me up when I am down, and walk through the journey with me so that I am not doing it, nor feel like I have to, on my own. There were times in my life that I did not have the support I do now. Instead I surrounded myself around folks who were not healthy and only concerned about themselves or their agendas. They were not capable of helping others. I accepted poor behavior and unhealthy friendships because it was all I knew and their behavior was ‘normal’ to me. It wasn’t until I separated myself, worked my own recovery, and started setting healthy boundaries, did I know that I deserved to be surrounded around folks who genuinely cared about me and my wellbeing. I sure am glad to know different now. One thing I have come to learn is that good things always come when I put in the hard work to be the best version of myself. That goes the same with my recovery, those people in my life, and this project. I get what I give. If I give myself only the best, I will receive the best in return. I am so grateful that I finally learned that I am deserving of only the best, and I know what that looks like now more than ever. Sure took me long enough. I also get how hard it is to see any different when we are in the thick of it. I’ve been there. It gets better… it really does. If you work for it. There will always be setbacks. Life will always show up and give us something that is heavy. With lots of time, practice and the right support, those heavy things life throws at us, become lighter and lighter because we no longer carry it alone. Thank you to all of my support who have helped me this last few weeks, months and years really. Because of the support you offer me, I am able to pick up these setbacks and keep moving forward, without everything feeling as heavy as I once remember. Lows come and go, but our growth stays with us always. This entire experience, even in the worse of pain, has helped motivate me and reminded me why I am on this path to bring support and hope to those who are feeling hopeless and unsupported. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.

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Recovery is possible.

As I said last week, my goal is to write on a weekly basis… so here we are, eight days later. Hey, I’m improving, it wasn’t a month between posts. Go me. I have been giving it thought all week, trying to figure out what I will write about but really putting my fingers to the keyboard seems like the best way to go for now so here goes. I have worked hard this last week to stay on track and really work at getting things in line for this business. It’s nice having something positive to put my feelings into. That is how I got started with this business in the first place. Funny how things come around full circle. I am pretty excited for what is to come. I have worked hard both in this business and on myself these last few years, to really get to this place that I finally feel ready to take this all on. And I do feel ready. Of course I am way nervous, but I know I am capable of doing this. I finally have some confidence. I am a very skilled individual. I also have a lot of people standing behind me, believing in me. That really helps. This week has really been helpful in taking steps forward because I’ve been able to get my production process down and really finetune a lot of details. It’s a work in progress, and it’s coming together, One Step At A Time. Supporting people I care about has been a big part of this process as well. Knowing that sharing my Experience, Strength & Hope helps people I love and care for, makes all the difference. Knowing that people I care about are lacking the support they need in their lives in order to lead more fulfilling lives, is a big motivator for where this business is heading. When I started my recovery journey, I was on my own. I had a few friends that supported me, but I later realized how much I outgrew them because much of the support that was offered, was not healthy which was making matters worse. So I felt even more alone and just had a really hard time finding help. It wasn’t until I found my twelve step program a few years after working to get better, that I finally started to make progress. That really changed things for me because it gave me positive support and lots of tools. Which led to even more support and even more tools. Now I feel supported in many areas of my life, through friends, family, support groups and organizations. It makes all the difference. Knowing I am not alone. Knowing that I can make a phone call and reason things out with another person, helps me to get better and find solutions that work for me, that will help guide me toward positive change. Especially so if my support is healthy, coming from a place of love and selflessness. I strive to be that positive support for others, that I wish I had had when I started my journey. That’s also why this last few weeks have been so difficult for me. I am the one needing support, which means I have not been able to be there fully for people I really care about and I’m having to refill my cup in other, more simple ways. Thankfully everyone understands, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. Though I am blessed to have so many wonderful people who help encourage me and respect my need for healing, that’s pretty amazing. Because right now I am much more sensitive than normal, requiring even more care. One of the most important things that I have learned when it comes to supporting people, especially when it pulls on my heart strings, is to take extra good care of myself so that I can keep being there for people. And setting boundaries so that I am not giving too much of myself. That’s a lot of what I have had to do these last few weeks in order to get better. It’s hard though too because that means I can’t be there at times. Yesterday I wanted so badly to be there for a friend of mine but I just was not able. I am getting better, but the situation hit too close to home for me to be of any help. Instead I had to take extra care of myself and really reflect on my healing. You see, my dear friend made the decision to chase recovery, which meant she had to leave her best friend and partner behind because he is not yet ready to put in the work. I have been through that very same thing… more than once and in varying ways. Having to leave behind a loved one who we so badly want to help and want to have join our journey of recovery, is such a heartbreaking experience. Knowing our loved ones are in pain and there is nothing we can do about it except to take care of ourselves, that’s a hard choice for most to feel good about in the moment. And anyone who is capable of stepping back and letting their loved one figure it out for themselves, while working to be strong enough to be there for them, is such a strong being. To carry the weight of one’s own journey while staying strong for those we love, that is what unconditional love is all about. When I went through similar the first time, I was not healthy about how I chose to fight. I made matters worse. Much worse. I was not capable of detachment or forgiveness, and I had no tools. I just didn’t know any better. I didn’t know that my choices were unhealthy… to me it was normal behavior. Now I know much different. Now I know that we all have our own journey and finding things out for ourselves is how we learn and do better. Nothing I do can make someone do something I want them to, even if it’s for their own good. But I can share my Experience, Strength & Hope, take good care of myself, work my program and really put in the work to get better, showing others that recovery is possible. Because reality is, when someone is not ready, it’s likely they do not have the solutions that work for them and they have no idea where to even start. I get it. I mean really, how does someone do something different from what they know, when they don’t know what else to try because they don’t know it yet? We can’t. Instead we have an opportunity to lead by example and to build healthy support, showing those who are still suffering, that recovery is possible. The journey of recovery, no matter what it looks like or what a person may be in recovery from, it is a challenging and trying experience. You will be tested in ways that will make you want to give up. You will just want the pain to end, and you will beg for relief. You will wish that you were back to being naïve and unaware. And yet something inside you will tell you that you’re on the right path. You will somehow keep pushing forward, putting one foot in front of the other, not knowing where you got the strength. Things will start to become more clear over time, keeping you motivated to stay on track and make better decisions. You will gain phone numbers of people to call, willing to talk things through with you. You will gain Strength, Wisdom and Courage. I know in my heart, that is what my dear friend is doing. This is one of the hardest things she has ever done, but thankfully she has the support and tools to help her be successful in her journey. And now she gets the chance to show her loved one, what that looks like and that it is possible to find contentment, and even happiness, no matter the world around us. I hope that in sharing my story and creating the right message with these candles, I can help more people know that they too can find serenity. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.