Tag: Higher Power

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Stinking Thinking

2-4 min read

It’s easy to sit down to write and come up with nothing. I have typed and deleted so many times, and yet still end up staring at a blank page. It’s at those times that I have to go back to basics and remember why I do this. This blog originally started as a way for me to share pieces of my recovery journey and talk about hard things that otherwise are difficult to share. This is also meant as a connection for others to relate to. I know there are parts of my journey that are dark and elicit heavy feelings of shame. When I speak those things out loud, that shame reduces, and the burden starts to lighten. Even more so when you’re in a safe environment to speak freely without judgment. That’s where the real power of healing comes. There are so many things that I can do for myself to aid my overall well-being. It’s my connection to others that levels me up. How do you get there though? It’s hard to connect to others, especially so when we have personal experience of being let down, getting hurt, being betrayed, and any other way that has deterred us from allowing others in. The thing is, once we are in the right environment with the right people, that changes. It takes a lot of trust and courage, in others and within ourselves. How can I even trust myself when I’ve always steered myself wrong? I no longer trust myself on my own. I trust myself with the help and guidance of those I trust who have my best interest at heart and can see things as I am, not as they perceive them. My Higher Power included. I don’t take action without using my tools and reasoning things out with another person. That helps keep me grounded and out of my stinking thinking. I have a history of anxiety, anger and fear driving my thoughts and behaviors. That’s something I have worked really hard to be aware of and change the way I react to the things in my life, my thoughts included. Of course, I still have days where I am compromised and struggle a little more with the negative thinking than I would on a normal day, but I bounce back way quicker than I did in the past. It helps to have so many people I can call to keep me healthy.

Look, I get it, it’s hard to even consider sharing openly with another person those dark thoughts that I feel ashamed of. I was lucky to find a program that specifically creates safe spaces for people to share the hard things. By sharing, I can heal. I have spoken out loud the very things I thought I would take to the grave with me, and I am a better version of myself because I have the courage to speak shameful things. Even when my voice shakes. Shame cannot survive spoken words when spoken in trust.

I imagine for many that the thought of trust makes your stomach turn or chills run up your spine. A small word, yet with big impact. Trust has been the topic this week for me. I talk about trust often, because it’s an important part of the healing process and I know how hard it is to build, especially so after trust has been broken. I hope you give yourself an opportunity to explore why the word trust shakes your core, and that you find forgiveness along the way.

Amber

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Picking up the Pieces

3-4 min read

Recently, I moved to a little place in the woods. I’m surrounded by trees and fresh air. It’s been quite a grounding experience. In the short amount of time that I’ve been here, I feel like I have more mental clarity and am finally able to stabilize in ways that I wasn’t even expecting. I lost a piece of myself after my car accident. Some days it feels like I lose a little piece of myself with every pain, with every added hardship, with every doubt. Hope can be hard to find, that was especially true at the beginning. I’ve come out of that experience with more gratitude and humility… probably trust too. On the days where hope didn’t exist, there was a darkness that felt impossible and heavy. Over the last two months, I got to walk alongside that darkness. It was hard to do but ultimately, I feel so much stronger now. I feel like I’ve been gifted this opportunity to heal and in order for me to be successful in my healing, I needed to embrace the pain. That is what strengthens my recovery… every single time. My ability to sit in the ugly, dark, painful truth and still find hope.

“The degree to which you are willing to embrace the pain of recovery,
is the degree to which you will recover.”

– Unknown

I took a leap of faith moving out into the woods, and it only took 3 short weeks to get me to this place that I feel ready. Ready for what, I don’t know. But I know that this time has been necessary to help me prepare myself for how the rest of this journey shows up. I know that the trees can take away my worries and fears. I know that the fresh mountain water can cleanse away the burdens that are not mine to carry. I know that the songs the birds are singing are sung just for me. These blessings are a gift of life and hope. When I think about where I am in this moment, I get overwhelmed with fear and excitement. The fear probably comes from a place of not feeling good enough or like I’ll fail, which I’m just going to hand right on over to my Higher Power and not let that drive my behaviors. Instead, I’ll sit in the excitement and have gratitude that I get to go on this journey. If you had ever told me that I would be right where I am, I wouldn’t have believed you. And yet here I am living it. I can’t attribute any of it to me being lucky or the stars aligning in my favor. I can attribute it to blind faith. Because when I had no other options, faith was what brought me through. It was all the years of practice that made it possible for me to even consider faith in my darkest times. Now it is a part of my testimony. I know from lived experience that you can turn around any negative, into a positive, and any darkness into light. In the past, fear is what carried me through most things… now, it’s faith. So, I will continue to show up in my faith, with both confidence and conviction.

Amber

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Life As I Know It

6-7 min read

Over the last couple of months, I have finally had the capacity to do some reflection on everything that has occurred over the last two years. I have been taking much needed time to heal and recover Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally, and Spiritually. What a journey it’s been. It’s brought up many feelings and lots of questions. Some of the things that stand out to me are pain, sadness, grief, resilience, forgiveness, serenity, gratitude, and joy. I don’t think I’ll be able to put it into words in a way that can give it justice. What I can do, is share with you pieces of the journey that might offer some clarity. The thing that comes to mind first is to share my most recent doctor’s appointment and some of the challenges I’m still having. Before even going into the doctor’s office, I pretty much begged the doctor’s medical team to have the doctor review my medical history before meeting with me, with the emphasis that I want to rebuild trust to continue my care. My anxiety about that appointment was through the roof, but my therapist had assigned this task as homework for me to do before our next session and I knew it needed to be done. I had reservations though. I didn’t want to be treated the way I had in the past. I wanted them to take my request seriously. I just wanted an opportunity to further my healing. I didn’t want to go in there with my dukes up, but my lived experience through this accident stuff had me not trusting anyone in the primary care department. For a week leading up to the appointment, I was a mess every time it came to mind. I had to continuously use my tools, reason things out with my closest support people, and stay in contact with my Higher Power. By the time the morning came, my nerves were wrecked! I pushed through anyways and rehearsed the Serenity Prayer many times leading up to me standing in front of their building. I took a deep breath and made my way in. Somehow, I stayed fully present through the check-in process and walked step by step to the second floor. I sat there for a moment unable to read or concentrate like I was used to in the past. This time I anxiously got up and paced between entry ways not knowing which direction they would be coming out from, until I settled in a spot that gave me a full view where no one could surprise me. Repeating the Serenity Prayer some more and focusing on my breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. Doing my best to keep my heart rate down. They finally called me back to the exam room, and somehow, through this I still managed to be present with each foot forward. They got my weight and vitals, then I sat down. I remember the gal helping me from prior interactions, she always gave me the vibe that she genuinely cares about what she does so I found myself uncontrollably blurting out “I don’t want to be here”. She responded with compassion and asked me questions, so I went on to explain to her some of my experiences that led to the outburst, and she reassured me, gave me helpful advice, and offered me empathy. I appreciated her response to my reaction. She finally left and told me the doctor would be in shortly. I honestly don’t recall how long it took, but it seemed like he was there pretty quickly. I never did see his face since he had a mask on, but I know in my heart that I will always remember him as the person who saw me. And I mean really saw me. He started with an introduction and pleasantries, and quickly announced that he reviewed my chart and then asked me for a picture of what’s going on. I went on to explain to him the surgical history, the important details about the accident, and my physical symptoms (I don’t need to share more about those), that he needed to know to feel good about processing my request for pelvic floor therapy.

“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.”

– Oprah Winfrey

This doctor was great and truly handled my care with dignity and respect. He saw me as a person and honored everything I have been through since my accident. He validated my anxiety and unease about being in that clinic and told me that I have every right to feel the way I do, and that my PTSD is very real. He verbalized how proud of me he was for getting myself off all the medications and he cleared my med list without pushing more meds on me. I don’t manage my symptoms with narcotics or muscle relaxers anymore; I use a wide array of alternative methods that do not compromise my personality or ability to be present. The list of things I do to help myself to stay healthy is extensive. He asked me some questions to see how much of my daily functioning has been impacted, and he encouraged me to put full effort into the pelvic floor therapy in hopes that I will see improvements. He shared with me the type of practices that may be offered and even shared a personal story of a loved one that regained function after participating in those practices. I felt reassured and hopeful. Then we got into how much of my cognitive functioning has been affected. I shared with him that my therapist was concerned about a TBI. He asked if I hit my head, I said “no”. Then he asked me to share some of the symptoms that lead to that concern. I went on to explain to him that relationships have changed, I don’t recognize familiar people, I forget names and events, I struggle with decision-making and problem solving, words are often hard to find, difficulty expressing thoughts or understanding others, unable to process information, getting overwhelmed easily, forgetting where I am, memory loss, unable to collect thoughts when too much is happening around me, just to name a few. He let me know that the amount of nerve damage I’ve experienced has affected my cognitive functioning and that he cannot guarantee I will get it back but encouraged me to keep doing what I’m doing. I found his approach to me very kind and felt that he met me where I was at by getting on my level. He took the time to understand me instead of just pushing his own will on me or treating me as less than. I am so grateful that I walked into that clinic with courage, and that I asked for what I needed. He helped me regain some hope and trust. Both medical staff I met with gave me the tools I need to get my complex needs met; a much better interaction than I have had in the past.

My journey of recovery and rehabilitation is a work in progress. I continue to find ways to adjust and improve my overall well-being. I find joy more often, that’s good. I have my good days and bad days, and just as I’ve said before, even my bad days mean something. I am blessed that I can walk without assistance. I have a whole community of people standing with me, that I am beyond grateful for. Life as I know it will never be the same, but it is a life worth living after all.

Amber T

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Invest in Healing

6-7 min read

The last week has been good. I’ve been able to find some balance in some areas of my life. My main focuses are my physical self, intellectual self, emotional self, and spiritual self. When I have each of those areas balanced, I operate at my best. Since my physical recovery is in progress, that is just something that I have to take my time on and follow all of the recommendations I’ve been given, and then I have to work extra hard in the other three parts of myself. Intellectually I have been doing really well. I’ve been reading some great books, that are challenging me in my healing, goals I have, teaching me more about things I’m passionate about, and keeping me stimulated. Reading has been a positive way for me to not go down any rabbit holes of excessive social media scrolling, overthinking, or distracting myself from reality. It’s been an overall good experience. I’ve also maintained positive interactions with people… with my supports. This keeps me growing and healthy. It also helps me find balance emotionally. Maintaining my community rather than isolating or pushing away, has allowed me to grow my relationships further and truly expose myself to others. I’ve been able to ask for help, be vulnerable, express gratitude, and really open myself up to the love everyone is offering. That has not only been overwhelming, but also so good for my growth. As for balancing my spiritual well-being, I continue to maintain my relationships with those who are on a similar journey as me in faith, I have taken time to study more faith-based teachings, I am in constant contact with my Higher Power, and I have carved out time and space to be still. Practicing these things keeps me spiritually healthy. In all of these areas, I know that there is room for improvement, so I continue to put in the work each day… with intention. Since my most challenging focus area is my physical health, I make it a point to give myself extra time in all of the other areas, so that they can carry me through as my physical health recovers.

“The process of healing does not end when the wounds are no longer visible. It ends when the wounds no longer ache.”

– Muskan Sharma

To give an update about my physical health, I’m riding my bike twice a day as I was instructed to. I’m up to six minutes each ride! I’m supposed to increase my time by one minute every other day. I started physical therapy today, and though I started with what might appear as the lowest of low exercises, they are challenging for me. Even just completing my first set this evening, I am already a little sore and I know it will take a few days of persistence and repetition, for me to do them with ease. I could focus on the fact that these are literal baby step exercises, and I “should” be able to do them, or how ridiculous it seems that they are “challenging”, or I could lie and tell myself that they will make no difference, but none of those would be conducive to my mental health or my physical recovery. Instead, I will celebrate the fact that I am motivated and putting in the work! It takes great patience, resilience and perseverance to get through a journey like this. And I am beyond hopeful that every single moment of hard work in this journey will be worth it, down to the smallest of details. My mindset is an important part of my success in this. I choose to be positive and if there is anything that starts to get too heavy or feel negative, I hand it over. I call someone and reason things out. I find ways to be still, and to work it out with my Higher Power and my community. I meditate and pray. I slow down and refocus. I’ll be honest, a few days ago when my pain levels went up, I was frustrated and angry for longer than I liked. I had to work extra hard to work through that in a healthy way, so as not to stay there. Coming out of it really didn’t take as much as I expected it to, because of how much practice I have had over the years. My fear no longer took over like it could have in the past. Instead, I was met with so much grace, understanding, patience, encouragement, love and support, that I naturally started to feel the same way. Having a supportive community such as mine can really make all the difference, especially in journeys such as these. Moving into this next phase of my recovery, I know that I will have hard days. Physical therapy is my least favorite thing… ever. To add that on top of everything else, I had to prepare myself mentally for this. And then if anything happens that increases my pain, it can really throw things off. Just this evening after riding the bike and accidentally stepping off with too much weight on my leg, my pain levels went up and I instantly was getting irritated and feeling a bit miserable. After recognizing my mood, I immediately sent a message to a friend, sharing about my pain. They didn’t try to fix it. They didn’t tell me I shouldn’t feel that way. They heard me. They supported me. Within minutes I felt better. Not because my pain went away, but because I knew I wasn’t alone. There are other moments when I ugly cry because someone supports me in ways, I didn’t even know I needed. All because I am seen, and they honor my journey for what it is. That makes all the difference for me. If you as reader take anything from this share, I hope you recognize just how powerful investing in your own healing can be for your past, present and future self. If it wasn’t for the many years of investment that I put into healing in all the areas of my life (physically, intellectually, emotionally & spiritually), this journey would look much different. So, take the leap. Put in the effort. Truly discover yourself and learn to meet your own needs. Get in touch with your Higher Power. Build your community. Find out what drives your behaviors and work on healing with intention. Discover what you like and don’t like about yourself. Learn to trust and truly love yourself. In the end, you will give yourself an amazing gift, that will keep on giving to you and everyone whose life you touch.

Amber T

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Unapologetically Me

Unapologetically Me

5-6 min read

It’s hard to know where to start when it’s been so long since I wrote last. I miss writing. The thing is, I’ve had to step way back and focus only on myself. It’s quite the challenge, but absolutely necessary. It’s meant that I have had to give up things I really enjoy. I’ve had to put dreams on hold. I’ve had to step away from relationships that don’t serve me. I’ve had to take a different path completely. I’ve also had to advocate for myself more than ever. I’ve had to work on forgiveness and acceptance. I’ve had to grow in ways I didn’t know I was capable of. Everything probably happened just the way it did so that I could be sitting right here and typing these exact words for you to read. It’s almost uncomfortable but then again, we grow when we are out of comfort zone.

For a little context, 9 months ago today, I had a car accident that turned my life upside down. It still manages to affect me today, in really big ways, but I have managed to get stronger and grow more each day. I don’t cry in pain anymore like I did… most days anyways. I’ve learned to adapt and work around the pain, so that I can continue to live my life and find any joy or serenity. Some days I don’t move and other days I move mountains. But even my days in bed mean something. Those are the days I am recouping my strength to keep on my journey. Some days I amaze myself that I have managed the way I have. I couldn’t have done it without my supportive community, that’s for sure. I am truly grateful for the support and proud of myself for how I have handled everything. Of course, I know this journey is far from over. There will be a lifetime of learning and growth. Afterall, I am an imperfect human being that has much to learn. I am filled with so much gratitude, I sometimes get overwhelmed that I don’t have enough physical energy to express it. The pain I’m in every waking moment, takes everything I have to give. It drains me often. I’ve been in survival mode now for a long time. I am tired. I’ve been tired. Truth is that my recovery saved me…. And continues to save me. If this would have happened 5-10 years ago, I probably would have ended my life. Then again… there have still been some days the thought has crossed my mind. Not as often anymore, but over the last 9 months, it still happened more times than I can count on both hands. A person in excruciating pain like this every day, can’t live a positive or healthy life without a large village of supporters. So, I’ve had to completely expose myself and allow others to pick up where I am not able. Talk about uncomfortable. I have been helped in more ways than I can express… and yet, there were literally still days it wasn’t enough. Giving things up just to have the mental capacity to survive, was all I could do. And there were days when something would take me off guard, or I wasn’t ready for, or were emotionally heavy, or even multiple things at once coming at me, and then it just made me mush. Almost as if I were incapable of functioning. I would literally beg and pray for any relief at that point. Eventually I gave up everything and said “Okay Higher Power, I’m listening…” and was led to where I am today. After that point, every step of the way I have consulted with my Higher Power. I have handed things over, kicking and screaming sometimes, and somehow everything turns out better than okay. And even though there is still quite a ways to go in my physical recovery, I know that my recovery journey is right on track.

The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.

– Confucius

There are still many opportunities for me to work through forgiveness, acceptance, understanding and much more. All I can do is take things One Step At A Time and keep working my recovery. If I go any faster, I will fall backwards. Honestly, this time down with a physical ailment, is a true blessing. I’m sure I would have been much more resistant otherwise. Amazing how things work out the way they do. Now I am mostly stable. I get through each day with my pain. Some days are hard, but I have lots of support and tools to help me through. And… the doctors finally have a plan to help! That part was hard, and likely an area I need to work on forgiveness. Being told repeatedly that the pain is in your head or that it’s only a flare-up is super frustrating. It took everything I had to advocate for myself this whole time. To finally be heard. And to be kind through the process. There is no way someone feels this much pain 24 hours a day and it’s just nothing. I’m glad I was resilient and stood my ground. I’m glad I kept refusing to take no for an answer. Now that I know what’s wrong, there is some relief. I can carve out the time I need to give my body rest. There is anxiety too. Surgery feels like a big deal. Not to mention, my life is not really set up for surgery. It’s not something I even considered really, because for so long I was told something else. But there is so much hope! Hope for recovery. Hope for pain-free days to come. Hope for putting this hardship behind me. I may have to set aside my business, school, friendships, you name it… but in the end, I will be stronger and more capable when it comes time to pick up where I left off. And maybe most wouldn’t understand what I’m going through but it’s pretty incredible that this hardship… this journey… has given me the practice and strength to be unapologetically me. That sure counts for something.

Amber T

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Beautiful gift…

5-6 min read

It feels like a lifetime ago that I wrote a blog post (it’s been just over 8 weeks). I imagine it feels that way because of how different life is now. So many things have happened, and my journey isn’t close to over. I don’t want to get into all the nitty gritty details, but let’s just say that my recovery has been put to the test in so many ways and now I’m tired… really, really tired. I have had to step back and take real good care of myself and my family. It was the only option I’ve had for survival. I’ve been mostly stabilized for a few weeks now but reality is, I have a long ways to go before I recover from everything that happened after my car accident. There is much to learn from everything I have gone through. Pain has a way of breaking you down. I’m pretty sure I experienced every emotion possible over the last couple of months (7 months really). There have been many tears shed. Lots of conversations and pleas with my Higher Power. My life has fallen apart completely, and now I can pick up the pieces and rebuild. Honestly, I gave up trying to understand how I have made it through all this and why it all has happened the way it has. All I know, is that my recovery is how I survived. The tools I learned, the support I have, my relationship with God. I didn’t have any of those for a really long time. Everything I have ever been through, prepared me for these times. And it’s amazing to me because I feel stronger than ever. How that’s possible, I have no idea. I know deep in my core that I will come out of this with more strength, courage, wisdom, serenity, confidence, understanding, humility, resilience, fearlessness, perspective, hope, forgiveness, faith, acceptance, gratitude, trust, and so much more. Phew, that was a mouth full. These times have given me great opportunity to put my tools to test. Each time I overcome one of these hardships (and there are lots of hardships), I come out feeling stronger. I come out feeling proud of myself for everything I have learned and being able to put my tools to work. I come out having more trust in myself to do the next right thing. It would be so easy for me to focus on the negatives, but instead my recovery has given me an opportunity to do better. I am a work in progress, yet also a masterpiece.

The greatest gift to give the people you love is your recovery.

-Anonymous

Recovery has given me a beautiful gift. A gift of faith, hope and trust. A gift of peace and joy. When I think about life before recovery, I think of an empty shell. I remember feeling lots of anger, hate, humiliation, insecurities, rejection, anxiousness, submission, inadequacy, worthlessness, jealousy, powerlessness, shame, abandonment, and fear… lots and lots of fear. It was awful. I don’t even know if I knew what anything else felt like. I think I tried. I remember feeling love. But then again, I was so broken, I’m not sure I was capable of accepting love if it hit me square in the face. And because of that, I ended up hurting people I care about. I’ve had to work hard at forgiving myself for that. Thank goodness for a living amends; it’s a gift I can give to myself and others, by never going back to where I was. What more can one do when words are never enough? Now I can proudly say that I have worked hard to overcome my past traumas, so that I don’t repeat the same patterns and poor behaviors I did in the past. Of course, I am still only human, so I make mistakes from time to time, but my past no longer drives my behaviors. I pick myself up and keep working hard to do the next right thing. When I think back to my childhood sexual abuse, being strangled, and even the family disease of alcoholism, I don’t remember the horrible things that happened. Instead, I see hope for change. I see hope for recovery. I see my Higher Power hard at work in every moment and every hardship. This is the priceless gift of recovery. Every… single… day… I fight for my recovery. I protect it as if it is the most precious thing to ever exist. Because without my recovery, I wouldn’t be here today, and I wouldn’t be the person I have come to know and love. I still have a long way to go, but at least I wake up everyday and put in the hard work.

These difficult times I’m going through now are far from over. But I can say with confidence, that I am supported, loved and I will make it through stronger than when it all started. My recovery has given me strength beyond measure. As I mentioned, over the last few months I have experienced many emotions that I did not have the tools to manage before. Now I embrace each feeling and work through it with grace. At times I find it quite challenging. It really just depends on what comes up for me. But this part of my journey was meant to happen just as it has; as if I was meant to get thrown into the trenches, so I could fast track my growth and be the leader of change, I know that I am meant to be. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.

Amber T

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Reaching Out…

6-7 min read

This particular title is important to me because it leads to one of the most supportive communities of recovery I ever imagined. Reaching out to other people is a hard task, but once we break our silence and really allow ourselves to be vulnerable about the things we are going through, we open ourselves up to being supported in ways that help us thrive in our journey’s. My life has been complete and utter chaos these last few months and I’ll tell ya, it hasn’t been easy to get myself out of bed everyday and push forward, but it is a whole heck of a lot easier with the supportive community that I have in my life. When I said previously that I isolate for days at a time, I didn’t mean that I isolate away from everyone. I meant that I isolate away from things and people that don’t serve me. Everyday I am in communication with my supportive community of recovery, that help uplift me by not offering advice, sharing tools and wisdom, listening to me cry through what I’m going through, and so much more. It’s important for me to make sure that during those harder moments, I am only sharing with individuals that I know are healthy and able to create a safe space for me to do so. And then days later when a loved one or friend contact me, or when I am ready to reach out, I am able to share with pure vulnerability and with healthy boundaries, what I had been going through during that time, which helps me grow my program. Being vulnerable is not something that the majority of people are comfortable with. Thankfully for myself, I have a large community of individuals who are willing to get in the mud with me, and really help me through when it is needed. By my doing so, I get to share that with others who are not quite ready for it, to show them it’s okay to open ourselves up to others and to really trust. I get to help others figure out how to navigate this uncomfortable journey of being our authentic selves and building deep connection with others… tears and all. It’s pretty incredible.

Being surrounded by people in recovery this last weekend has been quite the experience and really eye-opening to just how difficult that is for so many people. I have found that through my recovery, the more I connect with like-minded people who are also willing to get in the mud with others, I have more compassion for those who are observing from the side lines, wondering how the heck they are supposed to do that too. It’s pretty scary stuff. It’s icky and uncomfortable. But I must say, once you have even just one or two solid support people in your life who are healthy because they take care of themselves, use their tools, take their own inventory, are willing to admit their shortcomings, are emotionally mature, know they are not perfect, admit when they are wrong, really open themselves up to others, know what they do & don’t have control over, are willing to make amends, constantly working to improve their relationship with their Higher Power, and who respect you & your boundaries, you will find a whole new way of life. Sounds almost like a fairytale doesn’t it? It’s not. I have this in my own life… by the handfuls.

Being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure.

– Bob Marley

As I started to grow through what I went through, I managed to find myself a healthy person who did all of those things, that helped me build trust and gave me the time I needed to open myself up to them, by offering me patience and understanding. As I grew, so did my own boundaries. In time, I met another healthy person, and another. Until I looked around and I was surrounded by healthy people. Even the people who weren’t quite there, were following my lead and getting healthier in their own ways. It’s been pretty incredible to be a part of. What we can do for ourselves and others by turning it over to our Higher Power and really trusting the process, is beyond what we could imagine. I know it’s not an easy thing to do. I remember all of the fights with my Higher Power and the resistance I felt in putting in trust. There were lots of tears and angry words. It really came back to knowing that I needed something different. What I was doing wasn’t working. Now I am able to pray and meditate, allowing me the space and clear mind, to make healthy decisions and to build self-awareness. I’m not saying that my way is the only way to build a supportive community, but I do have some knowledge in how to get there. What works for me, won’t necessarily work for other people. But in the end, allowing ourselves to connect with healthy people, is an extremely important part of the process. Learn to reason things out with another person. We even get to learn through the process, how to keep ourselves safe and protect us from the people in our lives that might not be right where we need them as a support person. I know for myself, I have lots of friends and family members I want to keep around but may not be the person that can help me through the heavy hardships I am going through, because they have never been there. It doesn’t mean I end those relationships. It means I learn to set boundaries for myself. And if that means I have to isolate myself away from them while I figure out how to set appropriate boundaries for me, then that’s what I have to do. I always come out of it with great amounts of gratitude when it doesn’t take long for me to figure it out, so that I can keep the people I care about active in my life. It hurts when there are folks that I am still figuring out that safety for myself with and I am not yet able to set the needed boundaries to open myself up to them. Instead I just have to continue working through it with the healthy people in my life, and hope that when the time comes, they will understand and welcome me with open arms knowing that I took the necessary time to take care of myself and create safety as I needed it. Something we are all deserving of.

Just a little tip on where to start… find someone who has qualities and characteristics that you find attractive and you catch yourself saying “I want that” or asking “how do they do it?”, then reach out by striking up a conversation. Get to know them by asking questions and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Not to say that relationship will last forever, but you might learn something that helps you start to navigate how to move forward. It’s got to start somewhere. Start within you and allow yourself to create a deep connection with others. Don’t be afraid to get hurt. Use it as an opportunity to grow and learn a lesson that you can take with you to the next part of your journey.

Amber T

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Taking My Time…

7-8 min read

It’s been just over six weeks since I wrote last. I’ve found it quite challenging to sit down and let myself get vulnerable with everything I have going on. As many of my followers may know, I was in a car accident back at the end of November. The first few months were quite rough. My pain levels were at the top of the chart by the end of each day. It was physically and mentally exhausting. I had to work hard every day to take extra care of myself in order to keep any serenity in my life. After so long, I eventually hit my wall. That happened just a couple of weeks ago. By that point, I could take no more and was in need of crutches in order to maintain my life in any normal capacity. It has now been two weeks on crutches. The first week on crutches was rough, because I was overly emotional. My pain levels were finally coming down, but then everything that has happened over the last few months weighed heavy on me because I had finally been able to see things more clearly. The pain fog was lifting. I understand that I did not operate at my best for the months after the accident. How could I? I was in excruciating pain… every day. That really does something to a person. On top of that, I lost my income, my housing, my car, my independence, and people along the way. I wasn’t able to focus on anything long enough to be productive in anything, so my business and this project took a hit. My child started to feel the effects. With all of that, my mental health took a hit. I did everything I could over those few months to take really good care of myself. I had to set uncomfortable boundaries. I had to say no more often. I had to give up things I enjoy. So many things happened that were hard. And now that my pain levels are less, I have been able to process everything more and really accept things for how they are. I am starting to feel more hopeful now. Through this entire process, I am so grateful for the people who stuck by my side and helped carry me through. My amazing supportive community of recovery that I have built, really has showed up for me. I have been reminded over and over again that I am worthy, that I will overcome these challenges, and that no matter the circumstances, I have people who will love me and support me. What I am going through will help people one day. And though this has all been very difficult, I know that this chapter of my story may help save the lives of others.

“In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.”

– Albert Einstein

Over the last few weeks… months really… I have been taking the much needed time to pray and meditate for acceptance, healing, strength, awareness, and much, much more. I have allowed myself to be vulnerable with my Higher Power. To really have the much needed conversations in order for me to find the solutions I have needed through this trial. And of course, He continues to show up for me. Slowly I am starting to work things out in positive ways. Through this time, I have not faltered so much that I have given up on the mission. Instead I have had to prioritize and take small baby steps in any direction. I am still working to put things together where I can. Some exciting things are in the works. Maybe I can’t produce candles at the moment, but other things truly are coming together. And the candles will come soon. Once my housing stabilizes and I move into my new office space, I will be ready to take those next steps. I just need to clear a few things off of my plate first. I will say however, that it is pretty likely that I will be on crutches for a few more months, so it will be important for me to maintain these new healthy boundaries for myself. And I don’t really mind the crutches, since it decreases my pain levels so significantly. It’s brought my pain down from an 8-10, to a 2! That’s a pretty amazing change. Being at a 2 allows me to do my physical therapy exercises and to just really focus on things that need to get done. It was really hard to advocate for myself the first few months, especially when I was told over and over again that it was just a flare up. I’m grateful that I kept advocating though, because eventually I was heard and now I’m just a few short weeks away from seeing the specialist that is going to help me make a plan of recovery. There is hope in sight.

This has been one of the hardest times I have ever had in my life. I truly believe that everything I have been through up to now, was to prepare me for this chapter of my life. There had been days that all I could do was cry. I had felt like a failure. I had felt unworthy. I had given up hope. All with what seemed like no light at the end of the tunnel. Things got really dark. The pain was so bad, that I just wanted it to be over, and in the worst of ways. Some days I just wanted a hug so badly, but I just wasn’t capable of asking for one. I had isolated myself for days at a time, just to cry uncontrollably when my loved ones would finally call me out of concern. Being in pain and having to carry everything I was going through, became one of the hardest things I ever had to do. And with each new thing that came my direction, it all got heavier and heavier until I couldn’t carry anymore. I know that I haven’t been operating at my best these last few months. But I must say, I did a darn good job given the circumstances, all thanks to my many tools, healthy practices and the support that I have. I’m pretty proud of myself for making it as long and far as I did. Today I am grateful that people showed up to help me, knowing that was what I needed. I am grateful for the many reminders that I am not in this journey alone. None of us are in this alone. There are people out there waiting to love you. You just have to allow yourself to welcome them in. It’s hard to do, and even more so when we do not believe we are worthy of that love because of what we are going through, but you are worthy. We all are. It’s all even more difficult for those of us who are used to carrying the weight of things on our own because we have been let down so often. But that gets better too, when we are a part of the right community. This whole part of my journey, will be a great testament in my story, and will all help me in this amazing mission of change. Stay tuned followers… the best has yet to come.

Amber T