It’s easy to sit down to write and come up with nothing. I have typed and deleted so many times, and yet still end up staring at a blank page. It’s at those times that I have to go back to basics and remember why I do this. This blog originally started as a way for me to share pieces of my recovery journey and talk about hard things that otherwise are difficult to share. This is also meant as a connection for others to relate to. I know there are parts of my journey that are dark and elicit heavy feelings of shame. When I speak those things out loud, that shame reduces, and the burden starts to lighten. Even more so when you’re in a safe environment to speak freely without judgment. That’s where the real power of healing comes. There are so many things that I can do for myself to aid my overall well-being. It’s my connection to others that levels me up. How do you get there though? It’s hard to connect to others, especially so when we have personal experience of being let down, getting hurt, being betrayed, and any other way that has deterred us from allowing others in. The thing is, once we are in the right environment with the right people, that changes. It takes a lot of trust and courage, in others and within ourselves. How can I even trust myself when I’ve always steered myself wrong? I no longer trust myself on my own. I trust myself with the help and guidance of those I trust who have my best interest at heart and can see things as I am, not as they perceive them. My Higher Power included. I don’t take action without using my tools and reasoning things out with another person. That helps keep me grounded and out of my stinking thinking. I have a history of anxiety, anger and fear driving my thoughts and behaviors. That’s something I have worked really hard to be aware of and change the way I react to the things in my life, my thoughts included. Of course, I still have days where I am compromised and struggle a little more with the negative thinking than I would on a normal day, but I bounce back way quicker than I did in the past. It helps to have so many people I can call to keep me healthy.
Look, I get it, it’s hard to even consider sharing openly with another person those dark thoughts that I feel ashamed of. I was lucky to find a program that specifically creates safe spaces for people to share the hard things. By sharing, I can heal. I have spoken out loud the very things I thought I would take to the grave with me, and I am a better version of myself because I have the courage to speak shameful things. Even when my voice shakes. Shame cannot survive spoken words when spoken in trust.
I imagine for many that the thought of trust makes your stomach turn or chills run up your spine. A small word, yet with big impact. Trust has been the topic this week for me. I talk about trust often, because it’s an important part of the healing process and I know how hard it is to build, especially so after trust has been broken. I hope you give yourself an opportunity to explore why the word trust shakes your core, and that you find forgiveness along the way.
I’ve probably started and erased this blog post more than 30 times in the last few weeks. It’s been hard finding the space to really be vulnerable and share anything of value. I’ve had to get real with myself. It hasn’t been easy. These last few weeks I continue to block myself from pushing forward in my writing because I get too overwhelmed with emotion, and I just don’t have the mental capacity to add anything to what I’m already going through. My eye is literally twitching uncontrollably because I am giving more than I have to offer as it is. My life is already at the bare, bare minimum of what I can carry right now. So, I’ve been working hard to hand things over. I’ve had lots of opportunities to practice, which I am grateful for. The thing is, it’s getting harder and harder to be honest about how I’m feeling without crying… I know it will make people even more uncomfortable than they already are around me. And I’ve been so worried about how I’m going to make other people feel, when this isn’t even about them, it’s about me. It’s about what I’m going through and using my tools to heal through things in positive ways. Writing is a tool I use to express myself. It just is requiring much self-care ahead of time, to truly find the courage to write publicly right now. I’ve been prepping for a couple days now to write this post. And I’ll tell ya, I worked hard at taking care of myself, being vulnerable with people about what I’m going through, and having lots of conversations with my Higher Power. Funny too because if I’m not specific about my needs, my Higher Power has a really great sense of humor, and he will absolutely get my attention. Which he has… often. Now here I am, because my Higher Power told me this is exactly what I should be doing in this moment to take care of myself, and it’s the thing that my heart is drawing me to. I know that has a lot to do with how much lighter I will feel when I finally let things out, and it’s an easier platform to be open about what I’m going through, without worry of shame or judgment. Now, where to begin…
Let me just start with the one thing that I am struggling with the most… my physical health. It’s a couple of things really. One, being in pain all day every day, is hard. Two, recently my doctor told me that the odds of success if they operate on my hip, is less than half. I think she was being generous with her words. She told me that she wants me to prepare for this being a permanent disability. That’s a lot to take in. For the last few months, I’ve been working hard on forgiveness towards my medical care team, and I’ve finally been heard by my primary after all this time. The quality of care that I received at my last visit, really made a difference in how I received that information. It was the first time I had seen my doctor have compassion. We are now working on trying to figure out how to find balance, without the use of narcotics. I do have a consult with an Orthopedic Surgeon on Halloween to have more scans done and go over any options I might have. The thing is, that any surgery to repair my hip won’t help a spinal cord injury, which they continue to suspect. And I do too. Hopefully I’ll have an update to share after the consult. It’s hard not to carry resentment about the fact that they likely neglected to diagnose me correctly, which caused permanent damage, making it nearly impossible for me to walk unassisted without lots of pain, if at all. I miss walking. I miss activities. I miss candle making. I miss feeling functional. I miss so many things. I know that I will get some of these things back. It will just take time and continuing to find balance. This whole process has been a grieving process. Every day, I grieve. And since I’ve learned to honor grief and truly embrace what it has to offer, I honor each opportunity. That’s how I know I will get the most out of the experience. There is an art to grieving, and it’s a journey to figure out how to navigate it. What I do know, is that gratitude is an important part of grief. There was this grief opportunity I was presented with, and I ended up with so much forgiveness and gratitude in the end, it’s hard to believe that it was even grief. Hard to believe, isn’t it? It’s totally true though. I worked on forgiveness and gratitude every single day, and that’s what I got. I needed that lesson. Since grief is a journey, it continuously comes up for me, and every time, I am filled with forgiveness and gratitude, because that is what I seek. I welcome the feelings in, embrace them, then let them leave. I don’t live in them, not anymore. I honor them and politely ask them to go. You see, grief, has a way of making itself at home in us. That’s when the most damage is done, without us even knowing it. By honoring the feelings and letting them go, we are creating a safe space to process grief and practicing tools that help us heal and grow. And the good thing is, that no one is ever in it alone. There is a world of people out there waiting to help someone in their journey… grief included. I am blessed to be surrounded by a very supportive community who uplifts me and keeps me growing in positive ways. Everyone is deserving of that.
Another thing that has been hard, is raising a teenager with mental health challenges. I feel so helpless these last few weeks… months… year really. All I can do, is to continue to show up for him. Continue to work hard at being my healthiest self, so that I can help him navigate what he is going through. I can only imagine how hard all of this has been for him. Our worlds got turned around and we have been pushed to limits, we didn’t even know we had. That kid carries way more than he should. And he isn’t willing to lighten the load knowing I am physically hurting. So, I just do anything and everything I can, to help him through this and make sure that he is doing stuff for himself, keeping himself healthy. We continue to work to find balance every day. This requires that I remain a present parent. And there are just some days, that I am barely capable of doing that… so it takes all I have, and everything else gets put on hold. Balance is a difficult thing to find in chaos. And let me tell you, the more you put on hold, the more there is to pick up when the time comes. I just have to offer myself lots of grace and trust that by taking things One Step At A Time, I’m doing the right thing for me to get through this. Sometimes that’s not an easy thing to trust… because on the outside I am holding back tears, and on the inside, I am screaming and pleading “how am I going to get through this?!”. Other times the tears come uncontrollably with no way to organize my thoughts. Then there are days like now, where I’ve had to let go of so much, my eye is literally twitching, for weeks now. No amount of self-care is helping with everything going on. I know I am on the verge of a transformation; I can feel it. There was even a dragonfly in front of me while I drove down the driveway recently. He just hovered there, and the word transformation came to mind. It would make sense. It feels like a lot of work though. I don’t know how I would be able to handle a transformation, while also balancing physical health, parenting, work, and all the things, but I guess bring it on since my Higher Power seems to believe I can handle it. That’s so much stuff, in this moment, I just don’t think I have it in me. As it is already, anything that feels like too much, just makes me sleep. I get exhausted from any amount of added stress, then I just don’t function well. I will literally just fall asleep. And truth be told, I am no longer capable of what I once was. It seems like every time I get something figured out, another thing comes. It’s been a revolving door of stuff to carry. When things get too heavy, in comes grief again. Oh, and did I mention that grief doesn’t always mean that someone died… grief can be very complex. It can be relationships, trauma, the loss of support. Grief is an overwhelming sadness and a series of goodbyes. That’s why it’s not healthy to let grief be at home with us. Being exposed to chronic grief, will affect who you are as a person, and not in a positive way. It’s so important for us to take care of ourselves, and truly understand what emotion is driving our behaviors. Welcoming grief to visit, can be a good way to get perspective… just don’t let it live there. Instead, try to practice finding gratitude in the grief when the visit is over. Gratitude really is a key. Prayer helps too.
“Gratitude is the gift of sight in the darkest times.”
– Unknown
I feel slightly better now that I’ve been able to share some. I’m a little nervous about hitting the publish button though. This is just such a small snippet of what I am going through. I feel like I haven’t even touched the surface. If I shared everything, you would wonder how it is that I have any serenity in my life. Serenity is not something that is easy to find and maintain… it’s taken years of being in active recovery, with intention, for me to have tools and support that help carry me through the hardships. And right now, these are some big hardships. Don’t mistake my hardships for misery though. The number of positive things that happen in my life is overwhelming to even put in words. Most of the time I just cry from gratitude. I have so much gratitude for everything, even in the grief, I find ways to heal through and gain tools to help me in future endeavors. The thing is, we are so often consumed by the grief we carry with us, that people are so disconnected. Connection is what we need. Connection is what helps people get better. Get uncomfortable. Be vulnerable. Build relationships. Get to know who you are at your core. Ask for help. Slow down and really take your time doing anything at all (that’s a great way to practice). Think about your choices. These are all actionable steps we can take, that will help us make connections, heal, and grow. Not overnight, so patience and grace are equally important components that have to make regular appearances into our lives. Honestly, it’s all a lot of hard work, and I’m not going to sugar coat it for you, you will want to give up often. You will fight with yourself all the time, wondering if it’s really worth the effort. And then one day, you just hit a point where you couldn’t imagine life any other way. You look around you and are surrounded by love and understanding. More of those things that we are all deserving of.
On a final note, I am happy to report that as of today secure housing has been found for my family. In just two short weeks, we will be moving into our new temporary home. A step in the right direction. We will be safe, in actual beds in bedrooms with doors. We will be able to rest and stabilize for our next part of this journey. I will be able to recover physically, no matter what that looks like. I am looking forward to sleeping in a bed and being able to walk around with my cane, rather than hanging on to everything in this trailer just to get from one end to the other. Ooh, and floor space for yoga! All of me needs yoga in my life… my physical self, my intellectual self, my emotional self, and my spiritual self. For the last year, my life has been chronically unmanageable. I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. This has been quite the journey. I can’t deny the fact that I am nervous and scared about what is going to happen, but I am also hopeful and excited. I know that no matter what happens, I will be provided for because my Higher Power and my supportive community, are always there for me. Okay one more thing, I am also happy to share that it came to me what I will be doing next with this business. Since I will not be able to make candles and do business as I had previously envisioned, I will be bringing it new life. And the funny thing is, it will be even better than I could have imagined before. It’s just going to take a while before I can get my bearings. Hopefully by this time next year, I will have a solid plan and ready to share with all of you. I think a year is plenty of time. Candle making for me is such a self-care, meditative practice at this point, and I am missing being able to get myself so easily into that type of head space. My self-care needs are not being met. It’s much more challenging these days. I have always used my candle making to express my emotions and work through my healing, by pouring my emotions into something beautiful. It even continues to help the healing process as the candle burns, it’s pretty cool. My hope is that writing can take its place for now. Just as a tool while I am healing. Once we move, it’ll be easier to find the time and space, because I’ll have access to internet again and a private space to write in. Soon I will find balance, I am sure of it. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.
