Tag: acceptance

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Practice Trust

5-7 min read

When I sit down to write, I like to be intentional about what I share out. Part of what I do is create a space to allow myself to be vulnerable. Open up about my feelings. Practice tools I’ve learned. And share my own Experience, Strength, and Hope. Often it comes with me putting words down but then realizing there is more work to be done before I can truly be intentional. It’s quite a process but it seems to work. Sometimes creating the space for me to be vulnerable means that I have to get through the mud to figure out what it is that I’m even feeling. Putting it into words isn’t an easy thing to do. It’s taken me years of practice, and I’m still a human being that gets it wrong. Recently I’ve had a lot going on which has given me lots of opportunities to feel my feelings. So much so, that it’s taking daily intentional work to overcome and teaches me something new about myself everyday. I have been experiencing three intense feelings all at once. I feel insecure. I feel abandoned. I feel unworthy. With one comes the other. Each causing the other to intensify. When I feel insecure, I find more reasons I feel abandoned or unworthy. When I feel unworthy, I start to feel more insecure and abandoned. When I feel abandoned, I feel unworthy and insecure. It’s a vicious cycle that requires a lot of work to stand up to. I’m blessed to have many tools and support that allow me to move through these feelings, rather than live in them. Currently, I’m in the midst of turning these negative feelings of insecurity, abandonment, and unworthiness, to faith, hope, and trust. To do that, I have to let go. Let go of the idea that I have any control at all. Let go of expectations I might have. Let go of any fantasies. Let go of my ego. Let go of my pride, guilt, and shame. Let go and hand it over. Whatever “it” is. But what does the act of letting go even look or feel like?

“Trust opens up new and unimagined possibilities.”

– Robert C Solomon

A friend of mine described it to me like this… “It’s like dropping a pencil. You just let the pencil go and everything is fine.”. I really appreciated her approach. We talked about what it means if that pencil represents something else such as anger, resentment, or something that’s bothering you. It was a great conversation. I always appreciate a program conversation in the wild. It inspired me to take some time to practice letting go further. Here’s what I learned. When the pencil was a pencil, it was easy to let go. My fingers would release, and the pencil would safely land. I did this over and over again, just to make sure I had the hang of it. Now, when the pencil represented sadness, I couldn’t let the pencil go. Immediately I thought to myself that means I would have to practice acceptance. When the pencil represented anger, I couldn’t let the pencil go. Immediately I thought to myself that means I would need to practice forgiveness. When the pencil represented my insecurities, I couldn’t let the pencil go. I’d need to practice trust. When the pencil represented my feelings of abandonment, I couldn’t let the pencil go. I knew I needed to practice faith. When the pencil represented unworthiness, I couldn’t let the pencil go. I knew what I needed to practice… I thought it was silly. I decided to practice anyways. Hope. I hoped that I could find a way to let go of feeling unworthy. I just sat there hoping at this pencil that I would find the will to just open my fingers and let it drop. And after repeating my hope to this pencil about five times, the pencil dropped from my fingers! It felt like a total accident. Honestly, I was blown away that the pencil dropped out of my fingers, and hope was exactly what was achieved. I became hopeful that I could let go of these feelings of sadness, anger, insecurities, abandonment, unworthiness, by practicing what I’ve learned. What a great example. The fact is it doesn’t come naturally to practice acceptance, forgiveness, trust, faith, and hope. It takes hard, intentional work. Every time I feel sadness, I have to practice acceptance. Every time I feel anger, I have to practice forgiveness. Every time I feel insecure, I have to practice trust. You get the picture. It is up to me to put in the work to come out of the negative feelings on the other side. Part of moving through the healing process is to embrace the feelings and try to understand what it is that they are telling you. Consider the feeling an opportunity to learn something new about yourself. When I picked up the pencil again, this time I chose acceptance instead of sadness, and I was able to let the pencil go. Forgiveness instead of anger, I let the pencil go. Trust instead of insecurities, I let the pencil go. And so forth. Letting go takes practice. Lots and lots of practice. Maybe next time you can’t figure out how to let something go, grab a pencil. See what it’s trying to tell you. Practice letting go of the pencil while it’s a pencil and once you’ve got the hang of it, let the pencil represent whatever “it” is that you are going through and try to learn what it’s telling you. What a fun experiment that was. Letting go keeps me healthy. I often hand things over to my Higher Power; I find that helpful. When I care about the outcome of something, the more I try to hang onto it, the more of a mess I seem to make. I’ve come to find that by letting go, I create the space for something better, beyond what I could even imagine. When I first started practicing letting go, I started with trust. Trust in myself. Trust in others. Trust in my Higher Power. Just as hard as it was to let the pencil go when it represented my insecurities, it was just as hard when the pencil represented trust. It was, however, much easier to get to the letting go part when the pencil represented trust. A lesson learned from the pencil. It takes less energy, to focus on trust. So, for now, I’m just a girl with her #2 pencil, practicing acceptance, forgiveness, faith, hope, and trust, until I come out on the other side.

Amber T

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Practicing Acceptance Through Powerlessness

Practicing Acceptance Through Powerlessness

8-9 min read

It’s been over two months since I wrote last. I’ve been taking the time I need to recover Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally, And Spiritually (known as PIES). There is still much work to be done. As of now though, my hip is doing well. The surgeon was very optimistic at my 3-month post-op appointment. She even cleared me for exploring alternative low-impact cardio and jogging in the pool. That’s very exciting. I’m still in physical therapy and will be for some time. It’s going good for the most part. I still overdo it occasionally, but overall, I’m finding balance with my hip and my back. Now that the hip is doing well, my nerve damage is prominent, so we are exploring ways to change the way I live with the pain and practicing ways to quiet the nerves signals. We have been doing yoga stretches, and started some nerve desensitization work which has been very challenging. Last week I got about 40 minutes of partial relief using desensitization techniques, and when the relief faded, the pain returned higher than it was before. It took me days to recover from it. On Friday I felt relief during the float tank session I had. I honestly had about 50 minutes of complete pain relief. What they don’t tell you about pain, is that when you have it constantly making noise in your brain and you never get relief, when you finally do get relief, it’s going to hit like a ton of bricks. It’ll flood you with clarity, a new perspective so to speak, high emotions of grief and sadness, solutions to problems, and an abundance of more things to think about. For someone like me who lives with this constant high pain, those pain-free moments are divine. That’s where I connect most with my Higher Power and where I can deeply meditate, to a place of temporary tranquility. It’s the after affects that are the hardest.

You see, I can literally count on both hands the number of hours of pain relief that I have had in the last 534 days. There was the 1 hour after getting a steroid injection in my hip; after the hour was up, my pain became so intense I was bed ridden after. It hurt to stand, walk, or drive. And that night, I bawled like a baby I was so overwhelmed with all of the emotions that hit me during that hour. Then there were the 3 hours I had during my surgery. They gave me the anesthesia (it’s funny, I refused to count down and chatted them all up until I was knocked out), and then I woke up. I may not remember those 3 hours, but I never once had pain on the brain. It’s just a blip of darkness in my memory bank, with no benefit that I can identity outside of the obvious… surgery on the hip. Then there was the 1.5 hours I got this last week. That hour and a half deserves a much better explanation and I’ll tell ya why here shortly. Before then, I want to point out that that is a total of 5.5 hours of pain relief… out of 12,816 hours since the pain started. Feel free to do the math to find out the percentage of time that I live pain-free. And as much as I am grateful for those hours, I hope my share today can offer insight and understanding for those who do not live with chronic pain like this. But maybe you know someone who does. I have been challenged in ways I never thought I’d have to face. I have had to accept things I wish I didn’t have to. Recently it’s even come to my attention that I will never be able to go back to the way things were, because even if I work hard at it, the amount of time it’s going to take me to get to where I’m striving for is going to come with its own set of behaviors, challenges, and trauma. Things I have to be super vigilant about in this journey, or just things I’ll have to overcome when I get to where I’m going. And since my capacity is so limited, I’m not sure I can keep up so there’s bound to be work that needs to be done. It’s going to be really important that I make myself a priority… always. My brain doesn’t work the same way anymore. There are literal times when the pain is so high, I don’t even recognize my surroundings. Collecting a complete thought becomes impossible. I forget words. It’s like I hit a wall and then bam, I’m mush. My brain is different now, and I’m still trying to figure out how to adapt to this new way of life.

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”

– JK Rowling

Now back to the hour and a half of pain relief I had. I felt this needed more explanation to offer clarity for those interested in deeper understanding. It was time split between two activities. The first was my physical therapy session; as mentioned above, we started working on desensitizing the nerves. I may have received some relief but the after affects might not have been worth it. I’m still taking inventory on that. The days following were very challenging, in all areas of my being. Though I do have the tools I need to do that work at home now, let me make it clear… it is hard work. But I can now introduce the desensitization work into my life, slow and steady. It’s just going to take time. We’ll probably do that work again in PT here in the next few weeks, but the homework I’m doing won’t be nearly as intense as those sessions. Hopefully by that time, I’ll have built up some tolerance by then. The second activity was the float tank. An hour session gives me about 50 minutes of relief, where I literally have no pain as I am floating. I am beyond grateful that I found something that helps me have pain relief in this way so that I can take a mental break when needed. It’s not something I can do all the time right now, but once every couple of weeks is reasonable. I look forward to my next session. In time, I’m positive and hopeful that I’ll find other ways to get relief. Nerve damage is a challenging thing to navigate. I don’t know if I will ever get relief in the sense that I’ll have pain-free days, and that’s a hard thing to accept. But I do plan to continue to work in the direction of healing, whatever that might look like.

As of now, I’m still recovering from that pain-free time from the float tank. My brain is mush. So, I have no choice but to take extra good care of myself. Being that I am a mother and its Mother’s Day, I’m choosing to stay in sweatpants and do nothing short of what I want. In this moment, that’s to write this out so that I can move through to further healing. My hope is to do this again sooner now that I know what I’m up against. Acceptance is something that takes time and practice. I’m grateful for all the opportunities I’ve had that helped me work through this current journey. It allows me to put acceptance into practice with more ease. And when we can practice acceptance, we open up the space for us to have peace and serenity, in the middle of any storm. I encourage you to check out my latest YouTube video above, “Five Seconds of Courage”. I talked about powerlessness. I couldn’t have got myself to this place of clarity so quickly without admitting I was powerless and truly accepting what is. To practice powerlessness is to practice acceptance, and that is hard work. But not impossible. For many of us, powerlessness and acceptance do not come naturally. It takes hard, intentional work to practice those things. It’s like a muscle. You have to use it to build muscle strength and endurance. And if you’re not aware of the fact that you are or are not practicing powerlessness and acceptance, trust me when I say that you are causing harm to yourself and others. It might be time to take a personal inventory. Maybe ask yourself “Am I trying to control the outcome?” or “Is this something I have control over?” or how about “Is this my Higher Power’s will or my own?”. Asking yourself these questions might offer you some insight. I for one, am glad to be in a place where I can identify and let go of the things that are out of my control. I’m glad I have the courage to change the things I can. It sure helps lighten the load of all the burdens I do carry. There’s no point of me carrying burdens that I have no control over. Plus, it helps me stay healthy enough so that I can more easily identify when I’m maybe not operating at my best, so that I can tend to my own needs and continue on in my journey of healing. For now, I will Listen and Learn about myself and the things around me, so that I can mindfully and intentionally grow through what I go through, no matter the difficulties. Stay tuned, the best has yet to come.

Amber T

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Five Seconds of Courage

Five Seconds of Courage

4-5 min read

Fear and anxiety can at times be crippling. But where do we begin when fear and anxiety have hit that point? Over the years I have gained many tools and support that help me during those times. Most of the time before they become crippling, but not always. Recently I had something come up for me that was emotionally and spiritually important to me, and that fear started to take over. It was a lot of work to continuously overcome those negative thoughts and not let it drive my behaviors. Afterall, fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. Thankfully with the help of my tools and support, it never did hit me in a crippling way. I knew I would regret not listening to my heart so I put in a lot of hard work to ensure that didn’t happen. And I am beyond grateful that I put in the work to take care of myself (over days mind you) and truly prepare myself to be my strongest self before finally having just five seconds of courage to push through my fear and anxiety. Because truth be told, that’s all it takes for us to take big leaps. As many of you might know, fear and anxiety can prevent us from ever getting to the point of having those five seconds of courage. And that’s okay. It’ll be more fulfilling if you put in the work to behave in healthy ways versus reacting out of emotions. For myself, with this particular emotional and spiritual important thing to me (it was an amends to someone), it required that I took time to reflect on my emotions, reflect of my motives, reflect on whether I had any expectations, reflect on whether I am healthy enough in my recovery, reflect on the past, reflect on whether there might be harm done, you name it. There was a lot of work I put in to ensure that I was doing the right thing. During the process, there were many fearful and anxious thoughts that would try to take over. Instead of letting those thoughts live in my head, I handed them over and would say the Serenity Prayer, have a conversation with my Higher Power or a trusted friend, write it out, and truly take care of myself. I gave myself time to understand my fear. I gave myself time to understand my anxiety. And what it came down to was that it was important to me. It makes total sense that through the process I got worked up about possible outcomes. I also know from experience that I could come up with a thousand different scenarios that might happen and not one of them would be correct. The next best thing was to accept that I was powerless over how another person responds to me or how they react. The only thing I have control over are my own actions and words, and it’s important to me that I honor my authentic self. I’ve learned over the years that if I work my recovery, use my tools and support, I have a better chance of coming out stronger and healthier. And let me tell you, that’s exactly what happened. Not only was the experience positive in really big ways, but I also came to really see (and feel) how far I have come over the years. Chasing recovery has a way of really paying off in unexpected ways. Of course, the process is scary and unknown, but trust me when I say, it is totally worth it.

“The best way out is always through.”

– Robert Frost

Recovery often feels like starting all over. Rediscovering who you really are, without hiding behind that one thing that has kept you from being your true, authentic self. To learn new behaviors and beliefs, while placing our problems in its true perspective, allows us an opportunity to grow and heal in really big ways. The longer I practice what I learn and reach out to my support, the more I can see the growth in my life, providing strong support in times of doubt, and bringing me great strength and courage I didn’t have before. I may have been skeptical at first, but I paid attention to what was happening around me, and in my life, bringing me perspective that helped me build trust in myself and in the process of recovery. Time somehow offers us insight and gives us an opportunity to be more informed, so if I can offer you anything, I offer you this… keep showing up to put in the work, giving yourself time to see how it shows up for you in your life. Same when it comes to using new tools… practice the tools for a short time before giving up on them for not working. Just as a new habit takes time to build, learning new behaviors and ways of coping deserves the same time to implement into your life. Give yourself lots of grace and remember that you are a beautifully pieced together masterpiece that came together through Progress, Not Perfection. For me, I look forward to seeing more about how my recovery helps me to keep taking the leap and finding that five seconds of courage it takes to change my life in unexpected (and beautiful) ways!

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Back to Basics

5-6 min read

The last week has been the hardest since the surgery. I was beyond irritable, snapping at everything, and the anger was just building up. I knew something wasn’t right. I made the decision to take myself off of my pain meds. It was necessary. As soon as I was able to be more clear headed, I was hit with waves of grief. I spent two days in bed, trying to feel my feelings. There were lots of tears, and honestly, I’m still working through it all. It always amazes me how grief likes to sneak up when we are at our most vulnerable. Grief is something that I have come to embrace and process in healthy ways. It looks much different now in my life than it did for all the years before my recovery. It was so uncomfortable at first, I wanted nothing to do with it. It was scary, stressful, painful, sad. All things I didn’t want to feel. Nor did I have the tools or support to grieve in any healthy way. After knowing how to shove it down for so many years, being healthy about it was not something I knew anything about. I sure came to learn though how not grieving showed up in my life… through anger, irritability, depression, fear, overthinking, obsession, poor coping. I could go on. What matters now is that I have all the tools and support to help me identify when I’m not doing well and how to move through grief in ways that don’t affect my life in negative ways any longer. Learning about the different stages of grief was a big part of the process of learning to cope in a positive manner. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. And each of those stages has unique ways of working through them. Even after all these years, I still move through the stages of grief of things I thought I’d accepted, and I have to work through the process all over again. You see, grief is overwhelming sadness and a series of goodbyes. It comes in waves. Just when you think that you moved through something, there is a chance of being re-triggered and having to start the process all over again. As long as you are aware enough to come out of denial, you will be able to move through the next stages that much easier. And it truly does get easier each time. The recent days I was feeling irritable, I knew that I was feeling something that I wasn’t processing properly. Every little thing was making me angry and sensitive. By taking myself off of my pain meds, I gave myself the headspace to truly see what was going on. Grief. Grieving something I’ve worked on grieving for many years, and somehow every time I am vulnerable, it comes up again and I’m working through it all over again. Something will pop up and it’s back to step one… back to basics. That’s okay. I sure am grateful that I have the ability to pick myself up when I am back there again, because I’ve come to learn that it’s a normal part of the process of working through our emotions in healthy ways. And you know what? It’s okay to not be okay. As long as we don’t stay there. Grief is meant to visit. It’s what helps us grow. I for one, wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for the grief that I’ve experienced. Grief is proof that love existed and the loss of whatever it is, was painful because that love was there. By denying grief and not working through it properly, we deny love. We deny honoring what the love gave us. Why would we do that? It might be uncomfortable to truly feel grief, I get it. But by denying it, we are denying our true, raw, authentic feelings. So… for the next few days, I plan to take extra care of myself and really feel my feelings. Work through the grief. And honor what it is giving to me. I know it will fade again, as it always does. I also know that the grief will be back again, as it always is. And that’s okay. Because honoring grief, and truly letting it show up in my life, is proof that love existed. That’s something I need because there are more days that I have forgotten that, than there are days I remember it. Just for today, I will go back to basics, taking things one day at a time, accepting I am powerless, and using the tools I have been so blessed to receive.

God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can. And wisdom to know the difference.

– Serenity Prayer

Though grief may not seem like it should be a part of my physical recovery, it plays a much bigger role than you’d think. For me to be intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually healthy, I have to work through it so that I can be strong enough to push through my physical healing. These are important parts of ourselves that need the most tender love and care. Otherwise, I know I risk remaining irritable, angry, and depressed, causing more harm to myself and others around me. If you are struggling with grief, reach out for help. Admit to yourself and someone else that you are struggling. We are not meant to go through grief on our own. Rely on your community, on your family and friends. Let them show up for you. And pray. The grief is worth honoring, no matter what stage or how long ago the loss happened. Grief knows no time limit. If you can practice the things I mentioned above, you will grow, heal, and find gratitude, and that’s a beautiful gift worth working toward.

Through my grief, I have found ways to express myself, self care, and to give back, to ensure I’m honoring everything I’ve received through the healing process and what I’ve learned along the way. I feel called to a higher purpose of sharing my experience, strength, and hope, to help others in their own journey of recovery. And in order for me to be successful in this, I must practice self care every day. An act many of us could do better in. To grieve and grow in healthy ways, we must learn and practice the art of self care. Because self care is the best care we can give ourselves, to help us be successful through the challenging process known as recovery.

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Small Chapter

3-4 min read

Well, I am three days Post-Op and am doing surprisingly well! Honestly, I feel better than I expected. I even feel better now than I did the first six months after the accident. I am feeling pretty optimistic. I have challenges of course, I just had surgery after all. My hip and leg are sore, tender, and weak, however, the pain I had pre-surgery is almost non-existent. That is really promising! It could be the meds I’m on, or it could be that the surgery was much more successful than I anticipated.  Time will tell. I’ve been able to get on the spin bike to keep my hip moving. I’m supposed to ride it twice a day. I started at two minutes and have to increase my time by one minute every other day. It’s not easy by any means, but it’s totally doable. I’m up to three minutes. This morning was difficult, but I took the queues that my body needed rest and that’s what I did. Here in a week, I’ll start physical therapy. That I think will be the hardest part of all of this for me. It was the hardest part after the accident. I have firsthand knowledge of what it will take, and I am prepared to put in the work. My support has been amazing. My mental health is in a good place. Overall, I am doing really well. The last year has prepared me for this part of my journey. Taking things slow and steady is what is helping me operate at my best. Slow and steady was my theme for 2022, so I got a lot of practice. I must say too, that all the time I spent on crutches after the accident, really helped me prepare for this. I am able to get around pretty good and I’m fully present. I’m slow and my hip/leg doesn’t move well, but I anticipate it won’t take long to get some of my mobility back. I feel truly blessed to have my lived experience and a strong supportive community, that help me through this time in my life. When I think back to the challenges I’ve had to face over the last 14 months since the accident, this seems like a small chapter of that story.

“Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our life as it is. A moment of Radical Acceptance is a moment of genuine freedom.”

– Tara Brach, 2004

To be totally transparent, I expected this part of the journey to include way more tears and more moments of wanting to give up. I definitely wasn’t expecting to feel so good and being able to be as present as I have been. That’s not to say I won’t have my moments, but this is a great start to everything I have coming. I’m grateful to have much of my independence through this. I’ve had to set myself up with assisted devices and ask for a lot of help, so that I could maintain my independence. Especially as a single individual. Anyone going through something like this could attest to the fact that losing one’s independence is a hard part of these types of journey’s. I have so many doohickey’s at home to help me though. From a sock aid, toilet riser, body pillow, grabber, to furniture risers, leg lifter strap and shower chair. It’s the little things that make a huge difference in me being able to maintain good mental health. I think if I didn’t have that type of help, I’d be pretty upset and struggle much more. Of course, there are some things that I just have to accept are on hold and will come in time. That’s okay. I’ve been working on acceptance for some time now. It just gets easier and easier with each opportunity. I’m glad I was able to find the space to give an update. Writing is such a helpful way for me to express myself and to work through what I’m going through. Not to mention the opportunity for reflection. I’ll work to give another update within a week or so, especially to check in when the physical therapy starts. In the meantime, I will focus on my healing and my physical recovery, and in this moment, it’s nap time! Stay tuned everyone. More to come!

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Vibrations

5 min read

It’s been a couple months since I wrote. Creating the space to sit down and write (with intention), has proven to be challenging. Between the new job, the recent move, the holidays, and my physical health, I have not had much else to give. Everything I do have goes to taking care of mine and my son’s well-being. That is the most important thing. As you can probably imagine with everything, it takes a lot of hard work. It’s important to me that he sees me being a healthy individual who works hard to behave in healthy ways so that he can learn how to do the same. And he is learning. It melts my heart when I see him growing too. The fact is, he learns based on what he sees, not what I say. The complete opposite as I was raised. I was always told “Do as I say, not as I do.”. Many of us have probably heard some version of this. I’m guilty of having said it in the past, I’m sure. The reality is though, that we learn what we see in action. Once I realized that, it changed the way I behaved and saw the world. I grew up knowing all the things I saw around me, and that’s how I ended up behaving. It took me breaking the cycle and unlearning what I knew, to learn new ways of being.

“Intention is one with cause and effect. Intention determines outcome. And if you’re stuck and not moving forward, you have to check the thought and the action that created the circumstance.”

– Oprah Winfrey

I am filled with much gratitude that I was delivered awareness and given an opportunity to do different. I took that chance and haven’t turned back since. Growing the way I have, I now vibrate at a different frequency. I know others can feel it too. The process hasn’t been easy; quite frankly, it’s uncomfortable in a lot of ways. I’ve even lost relationships. I’ve had to grieve those relationships because I realize that we may never vibrate at the same frequency if there is no awareness or acceptance. We can’t grow if we do not practice the three A’s: Awareness. Acceptance. Action. And I cannot lower my vibration to match another’s. That would be unhealthy. I can, however, continue to lead by example and put in the work to grow as an individual; this could give others the chance to vibrate at my frequency. The process of healing and growing is not something that happens overnight. It takes time. And truly is a lifelong journey. To start, one must wake up (with intention) and put in the work to do better, while purposefully seeking understanding of what drives our behaviors and actually working on those things (with intention). We must also set aside time to take care of ourselves; that is where we find the solutions to our problems. If we can be mindful and truly take care of our own needs, we create ourselves the space to see the whole picture. Space is grace. Giving ourselves grace is a different perspective for those of us who have grown up with the mindset that taking care of oneself is selfish. It is not selfish. It is absolutely necessary. So, give yourself grace and practice self-care (with intention).

By now I’m sure you can see there is a theme for today’s post. It will actually be my word of the upcoming year. INTENTION. But what does intention mean?

Oxford Languages has two definitions for intention:

1. (noun) A thing intended; an aim or plan.

2. (Medicine definition) the healing process of a wound.

Interesting definitions. I had no idea how perfect this word really would be for my year coming up, but that second definition really says it all. It makes me proud that I am on the right track and would use something as simple as intention, as my way to heal through things that need healing. Because that’s what I intend to do. I intend to practice forgiveness; I intend to offer myself and others grace; I intend to reflect on what drives my behaviors & feelings; I intend to improve my physical health; I intend to ask for what I need; I intend to listen with an open mind and heart; I intend to be a voice for those who do not have a voice of their own; I intend to be mindful in all areas of my life; I intend to take care of myself every day; I intend to enjoy the little things; I intend to be a present parent; I intend to get out of my comfort zone; I intend to set boundaries; I intend to stand up for myself; I intend to behave kindly; I intend to give back to my community. The list goes on… the idea is that I intend to behave in all of the positive ways that I have learned how. I have had years of practicing these things, and I intend to make them all a normal part of my daily habits from now until forever. Intention is an attitude. Intention is action. Intention is how we grow and heal through those parts of us that are broken. Intention is how we help future generations be healthy and thrive. So, for me, this is a way of life, which helps me vibrate at a frequency I am proud of. My hope for those of you reading this and those who I care for, is that you too vibrate at a frequency that you’re proud of. And if you aren’t there yet, give yourself grace. Just know that if you practice Awareness, Acceptance and Action (with intention of course), you’ll get there. And until then, lean on your supportive community and honor what you are going through. The best has yet to come.

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Unapologetically Me

Unapologetically Me

5-6 min read

It’s hard to know where to start when it’s been so long since I wrote last. I miss writing. The thing is, I’ve had to step way back and focus only on myself. It’s quite the challenge, but absolutely necessary. It’s meant that I have had to give up things I really enjoy. I’ve had to put dreams on hold. I’ve had to step away from relationships that don’t serve me. I’ve had to take a different path completely. I’ve also had to advocate for myself more than ever. I’ve had to work on forgiveness and acceptance. I’ve had to grow in ways I didn’t know I was capable of. Everything probably happened just the way it did so that I could be sitting right here and typing these exact words for you to read. It’s almost uncomfortable but then again, we grow when we are out of comfort zone.

For a little context, 9 months ago today, I had a car accident that turned my life upside down. It still manages to affect me today, in really big ways, but I have managed to get stronger and grow more each day. I don’t cry in pain anymore like I did… most days anyways. I’ve learned to adapt and work around the pain, so that I can continue to live my life and find any joy or serenity. Some days I don’t move and other days I move mountains. But even my days in bed mean something. Those are the days I am recouping my strength to keep on my journey. Some days I amaze myself that I have managed the way I have. I couldn’t have done it without my supportive community, that’s for sure. I am truly grateful for the support and proud of myself for how I have handled everything. Of course, I know this journey is far from over. There will be a lifetime of learning and growth. Afterall, I am an imperfect human being that has much to learn. I am filled with so much gratitude, I sometimes get overwhelmed that I don’t have enough physical energy to express it. The pain I’m in every waking moment, takes everything I have to give. It drains me often. I’ve been in survival mode now for a long time. I am tired. I’ve been tired. Truth is that my recovery saved me…. And continues to save me. If this would have happened 5-10 years ago, I probably would have ended my life. Then again… there have still been some days the thought has crossed my mind. Not as often anymore, but over the last 9 months, it still happened more times than I can count on both hands. A person in excruciating pain like this every day, can’t live a positive or healthy life without a large village of supporters. So, I’ve had to completely expose myself and allow others to pick up where I am not able. Talk about uncomfortable. I have been helped in more ways than I can express… and yet, there were literally still days it wasn’t enough. Giving things up just to have the mental capacity to survive, was all I could do. And there were days when something would take me off guard, or I wasn’t ready for, or were emotionally heavy, or even multiple things at once coming at me, and then it just made me mush. Almost as if I were incapable of functioning. I would literally beg and pray for any relief at that point. Eventually I gave up everything and said “Okay Higher Power, I’m listening…” and was led to where I am today. After that point, every step of the way I have consulted with my Higher Power. I have handed things over, kicking and screaming sometimes, and somehow everything turns out better than okay. And even though there is still quite a ways to go in my physical recovery, I know that my recovery journey is right on track.

The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.

– Confucius

There are still many opportunities for me to work through forgiveness, acceptance, understanding and much more. All I can do is take things One Step At A Time and keep working my recovery. If I go any faster, I will fall backwards. Honestly, this time down with a physical ailment, is a true blessing. I’m sure I would have been much more resistant otherwise. Amazing how things work out the way they do. Now I am mostly stable. I get through each day with my pain. Some days are hard, but I have lots of support and tools to help me through. And… the doctors finally have a plan to help! That part was hard, and likely an area I need to work on forgiveness. Being told repeatedly that the pain is in your head or that it’s only a flare-up is super frustrating. It took everything I had to advocate for myself this whole time. To finally be heard. And to be kind through the process. There is no way someone feels this much pain 24 hours a day and it’s just nothing. I’m glad I was resilient and stood my ground. I’m glad I kept refusing to take no for an answer. Now that I know what’s wrong, there is some relief. I can carve out the time I need to give my body rest. There is anxiety too. Surgery feels like a big deal. Not to mention, my life is not really set up for surgery. It’s not something I even considered really, because for so long I was told something else. But there is so much hope! Hope for recovery. Hope for pain-free days to come. Hope for putting this hardship behind me. I may have to set aside my business, school, friendships, you name it… but in the end, I will be stronger and more capable when it comes time to pick up where I left off. And maybe most wouldn’t understand what I’m going through but it’s pretty incredible that this hardship… this journey… has given me the practice and strength to be unapologetically me. That sure counts for something.

Amber T

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Beautiful gift…

5-6 min read

It feels like a lifetime ago that I wrote a blog post (it’s been just over 8 weeks). I imagine it feels that way because of how different life is now. So many things have happened, and my journey isn’t close to over. I don’t want to get into all the nitty gritty details, but let’s just say that my recovery has been put to the test in so many ways and now I’m tired… really, really tired. I have had to step back and take real good care of myself and my family. It was the only option I’ve had for survival. I’ve been mostly stabilized for a few weeks now but reality is, I have a long ways to go before I recover from everything that happened after my car accident. There is much to learn from everything I have gone through. Pain has a way of breaking you down. I’m pretty sure I experienced every emotion possible over the last couple of months (7 months really). There have been many tears shed. Lots of conversations and pleas with my Higher Power. My life has fallen apart completely, and now I can pick up the pieces and rebuild. Honestly, I gave up trying to understand how I have made it through all this and why it all has happened the way it has. All I know, is that my recovery is how I survived. The tools I learned, the support I have, my relationship with God. I didn’t have any of those for a really long time. Everything I have ever been through, prepared me for these times. And it’s amazing to me because I feel stronger than ever. How that’s possible, I have no idea. I know deep in my core that I will come out of this with more strength, courage, wisdom, serenity, confidence, understanding, humility, resilience, fearlessness, perspective, hope, forgiveness, faith, acceptance, gratitude, trust, and so much more. Phew, that was a mouth full. These times have given me great opportunity to put my tools to test. Each time I overcome one of these hardships (and there are lots of hardships), I come out feeling stronger. I come out feeling proud of myself for everything I have learned and being able to put my tools to work. I come out having more trust in myself to do the next right thing. It would be so easy for me to focus on the negatives, but instead my recovery has given me an opportunity to do better. I am a work in progress, yet also a masterpiece.

The greatest gift to give the people you love is your recovery.

-Anonymous

Recovery has given me a beautiful gift. A gift of faith, hope and trust. A gift of peace and joy. When I think about life before recovery, I think of an empty shell. I remember feeling lots of anger, hate, humiliation, insecurities, rejection, anxiousness, submission, inadequacy, worthlessness, jealousy, powerlessness, shame, abandonment, and fear… lots and lots of fear. It was awful. I don’t even know if I knew what anything else felt like. I think I tried. I remember feeling love. But then again, I was so broken, I’m not sure I was capable of accepting love if it hit me square in the face. And because of that, I ended up hurting people I care about. I’ve had to work hard at forgiving myself for that. Thank goodness for a living amends; it’s a gift I can give to myself and others, by never going back to where I was. What more can one do when words are never enough? Now I can proudly say that I have worked hard to overcome my past traumas, so that I don’t repeat the same patterns and poor behaviors I did in the past. Of course, I am still only human, so I make mistakes from time to time, but my past no longer drives my behaviors. I pick myself up and keep working hard to do the next right thing. When I think back to my childhood sexual abuse, being strangled, and even the family disease of alcoholism, I don’t remember the horrible things that happened. Instead, I see hope for change. I see hope for recovery. I see my Higher Power hard at work in every moment and every hardship. This is the priceless gift of recovery. Every… single… day… I fight for my recovery. I protect it as if it is the most precious thing to ever exist. Because without my recovery, I wouldn’t be here today, and I wouldn’t be the person I have come to know and love. I still have a long way to go, but at least I wake up everyday and put in the hard work.

These difficult times I’m going through now are far from over. But I can say with confidence, that I am supported, loved and I will make it through stronger than when it all started. My recovery has given me strength beyond measure. As I mentioned, over the last few months I have experienced many emotions that I did not have the tools to manage before. Now I embrace each feeling and work through it with grace. At times I find it quite challenging. It really just depends on what comes up for me. But this part of my journey was meant to happen just as it has; as if I was meant to get thrown into the trenches, so I could fast track my growth and be the leader of change, I know that I am meant to be. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.

Amber T

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Taking My Time…

7-8 min read

It’s been just over six weeks since I wrote last. I’ve found it quite challenging to sit down and let myself get vulnerable with everything I have going on. As many of my followers may know, I was in a car accident back at the end of November. The first few months were quite rough. My pain levels were at the top of the chart by the end of each day. It was physically and mentally exhausting. I had to work hard every day to take extra care of myself in order to keep any serenity in my life. After so long, I eventually hit my wall. That happened just a couple of weeks ago. By that point, I could take no more and was in need of crutches in order to maintain my life in any normal capacity. It has now been two weeks on crutches. The first week on crutches was rough, because I was overly emotional. My pain levels were finally coming down, but then everything that has happened over the last few months weighed heavy on me because I had finally been able to see things more clearly. The pain fog was lifting. I understand that I did not operate at my best for the months after the accident. How could I? I was in excruciating pain… every day. That really does something to a person. On top of that, I lost my income, my housing, my car, my independence, and people along the way. I wasn’t able to focus on anything long enough to be productive in anything, so my business and this project took a hit. My child started to feel the effects. With all of that, my mental health took a hit. I did everything I could over those few months to take really good care of myself. I had to set uncomfortable boundaries. I had to say no more often. I had to give up things I enjoy. So many things happened that were hard. And now that my pain levels are less, I have been able to process everything more and really accept things for how they are. I am starting to feel more hopeful now. Through this entire process, I am so grateful for the people who stuck by my side and helped carry me through. My amazing supportive community of recovery that I have built, really has showed up for me. I have been reminded over and over again that I am worthy, that I will overcome these challenges, and that no matter the circumstances, I have people who will love me and support me. What I am going through will help people one day. And though this has all been very difficult, I know that this chapter of my story may help save the lives of others.

“In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.”

– Albert Einstein

Over the last few weeks… months really… I have been taking the much needed time to pray and meditate for acceptance, healing, strength, awareness, and much, much more. I have allowed myself to be vulnerable with my Higher Power. To really have the much needed conversations in order for me to find the solutions I have needed through this trial. And of course, He continues to show up for me. Slowly I am starting to work things out in positive ways. Through this time, I have not faltered so much that I have given up on the mission. Instead I have had to prioritize and take small baby steps in any direction. I am still working to put things together where I can. Some exciting things are in the works. Maybe I can’t produce candles at the moment, but other things truly are coming together. And the candles will come soon. Once my housing stabilizes and I move into my new office space, I will be ready to take those next steps. I just need to clear a few things off of my plate first. I will say however, that it is pretty likely that I will be on crutches for a few more months, so it will be important for me to maintain these new healthy boundaries for myself. And I don’t really mind the crutches, since it decreases my pain levels so significantly. It’s brought my pain down from an 8-10, to a 2! That’s a pretty amazing change. Being at a 2 allows me to do my physical therapy exercises and to just really focus on things that need to get done. It was really hard to advocate for myself the first few months, especially when I was told over and over again that it was just a flare up. I’m grateful that I kept advocating though, because eventually I was heard and now I’m just a few short weeks away from seeing the specialist that is going to help me make a plan of recovery. There is hope in sight.

This has been one of the hardest times I have ever had in my life. I truly believe that everything I have been through up to now, was to prepare me for this chapter of my life. There had been days that all I could do was cry. I had felt like a failure. I had felt unworthy. I had given up hope. All with what seemed like no light at the end of the tunnel. Things got really dark. The pain was so bad, that I just wanted it to be over, and in the worst of ways. Some days I just wanted a hug so badly, but I just wasn’t capable of asking for one. I had isolated myself for days at a time, just to cry uncontrollably when my loved ones would finally call me out of concern. Being in pain and having to carry everything I was going through, became one of the hardest things I ever had to do. And with each new thing that came my direction, it all got heavier and heavier until I couldn’t carry anymore. I know that I haven’t been operating at my best these last few months. But I must say, I did a darn good job given the circumstances, all thanks to my many tools, healthy practices and the support that I have. I’m pretty proud of myself for making it as long and far as I did. Today I am grateful that people showed up to help me, knowing that was what I needed. I am grateful for the many reminders that I am not in this journey alone. None of us are in this alone. There are people out there waiting to love you. You just have to allow yourself to welcome them in. It’s hard to do, and even more so when we do not believe we are worthy of that love because of what we are going through, but you are worthy. We all are. It’s all even more difficult for those of us who are used to carrying the weight of things on our own because we have been let down so often. But that gets better too, when we are a part of the right community. This whole part of my journey, will be a great testament in my story, and will all help me in this amazing mission of change. Stay tuned followers… the best has yet to come.

Amber T

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Lows come and go…

Almost everyday for over a month now I have sat at this computer screen and attempted to write this blog post. Every single time I have struggled with finding the courage to be vulnerable and actually share anything of value. I was doing so good there for the first month, writing every week. It’s about Progress, Not Perfection right? I was using my tools and calling all my support people. And even though I was going through something heavy, I was still pushing forward. The holidays were making it a little more difficult so I was falling a bit short around then as well, but what really set me back was a car accident. The weekend after Thanksgiving I was rear-ended, leaving me in pain these last few weeks. I’ve lived with chronic pain for 8 years now because of another car accident, and I was getting so much better with my physical therapy and daily yoga. It was finally manageable after all these years. Now after this most recent accident, I am unable to do most of my daily activities and I’m busy with daily exercises, appointments of chiropractic and physical therapy. Then my mental health started to decline. Before the accident I was doing my best to keep my head up high even though I was battling depression, but once I was in high pain again like before, I just couldn’t push through it anymore. Now I am susceptible to exposure in any situation because in any moment I might breakdown and cry, because being in pain and having to do all the things, just doesn’t seem possible and it’s extremely overwhelming. I keep getting stuck in the thought that I am going to feel this way for years to come and it just makes everything else feel so much heavier. I am so truly grateful for all of the support that I have had this last month. The support who have driven me to my appointments, cleaned my house, gone grocery shopping for me, bought us gifts, listened to me when I was hitting my lows. That first couple weeks after the accident were a test for me. Accepting help is not something I have ever done well. And asking for help was even more foreign. Now here I am these last few weeks, getting in lots of practice because my only other choice would be to hurt myself trying to take care of everything on my own like I normally do. Accepting and asking for help is extremely vulnerable for me. And frankly that has been the only type of vulnerability I could handle this last month, making it difficult for me in other areas of my life. Anything outside of my immediate pain, I have had to set aside my healing or growth so that I can focus on my physical healing, because I do not want to live with this pain for years like I did with my last accident, nor have I had the mental capacity to handle anything outside of that. I want to heal and recover, so that I can excel in my future goals, not hurt myself. Pain has a way of bringing a person down. Even the strongest of people will break down when the pain is coupled with too many of life’s burdens. Anyone who lives with chronic pain might understand that sometimes when it gets bad enough, we just want it to end because thinking about living with that pain for years to come, seems unbearable. Nobody wants to think that way, but that’s a reality for those of us who have pain we don’t know how to heal, with no resolve. I’ve had to give myself space to accept that in order for me to get better, I have to move really slow, focus on myself, and really advocate for my care. I have to set aside all of my goals and adjust my plan to work only on the things that will help my recovery, not hinder it. My mind wants to move fast and just be done with it all, and sometimes even want to give up because recovery doesn’t seem possible and I’m exhausted from trying to be heard, but I know that is not true, that I will get better and that my pain is not in my head. So I’ve had to be extra kind with myself and slow down to a pace I didn’t know I was capable of. And with this new pace of mine, I am finding that I am constantly out of my comfort zone; having to say no more often, asking for & accepting help, not accomplishing things I normally would, and just all around having to re-prioritize things. I know that with all of this comes growth, and I am looking forward to getting better and sharing it all with you. It’s just been quite the journey, showing me just how blessed I am to have all the tools and support that I do. I wouldn’t be able to do this and recover the way that I am, if it wasn’t for that. In the past I probably would have fallen much farther back. Instead I am focusing on my long-term recovery, healing my body and mind equally. I am so glad too because slowly I am getting a little better. In the past I wouldn’t have had the support or resilience to push through and get the answers needed in order to get better. I would have given up the first time I got frustrated. Slowly I am getting answers to the next steps I have to take for a full recovery. Slowly I am learning new tools and really finding out what it means to be vulnerable in other areas of my life. It is vulnerable to ask for and accept help. It is vulnerable to call a friend in tears because you are hurting. It is vulnerable to say “I am not capable” of something you’ve done a thousand times before. It is vulnerable to say “I’m focusing on me right now” because brain fog is a real thing; I couldn’t focus on anything else if I wanted to. It is vulnerable to tell your doctor over and over again that you are hurting. It is vulnerable to admit that you are not okay. And it is okay to not be okay. It’s about what we do when we are down. It’s even okay to stay there for a short while. What’s important is that we get up, even if that means we have to take someone’s hand to pull us up, and we put one foot in front of the other, taking things One Step At A Time if we have to. And what’s so wonderful about it all, is that through recovery these last few years, I have found an army of amazingly strong people who are willing to help lift me up when I am down, and walk through the journey with me so that I am not doing it, nor feel like I have to, on my own. There were times in my life that I did not have the support I do now. Instead I surrounded myself around folks who were not healthy and only concerned about themselves or their agendas. They were not capable of helping others. I accepted poor behavior and unhealthy friendships because it was all I knew and their behavior was ‘normal’ to me. It wasn’t until I separated myself, worked my own recovery, and started setting healthy boundaries, did I know that I deserved to be surrounded around folks who genuinely cared about me and my wellbeing. I sure am glad to know different now. One thing I have come to learn is that good things always come when I put in the hard work to be the best version of myself. That goes the same with my recovery, those people in my life, and this project. I get what I give. If I give myself only the best, I will receive the best in return. I am so grateful that I finally learned that I am deserving of only the best, and I know what that looks like now more than ever. Sure took me long enough. I also get how hard it is to see any different when we are in the thick of it. I’ve been there. It gets better… it really does. If you work for it. There will always be setbacks. Life will always show up and give us something that is heavy. With lots of time, practice and the right support, those heavy things life throws at us, become lighter and lighter because we no longer carry it alone. Thank you to all of my support who have helped me this last few weeks, months and years really. Because of the support you offer me, I am able to pick up these setbacks and keep moving forward, without everything feeling as heavy as I once remember. Lows come and go, but our growth stays with us always. This entire experience, even in the worse of pain, has helped motivate me and reminded me why I am on this path to bring support and hope to those who are feeling hopeless and unsupported. Stay tuned followers, the best has yet to come.